Is this going anywhere or should I end it?

[Boondoggle]

More of a WWYD really. Have been in relationship with DP for 3 years, prior to which he was not long out of a 10 year relationship (which he ended as she wanted to start a family and he wanted a "lifestyle"). During the second year we started to talk about "the next step". I have 2 DCs and DP spends every weekend Fri night-Mon morning with us and the DCs started to ask as well when we would live together (we currently live quite a way apart and my house is further from his work than where he lives). As background, my DCs' dad is very present in their lives and pays maintenance regularly and DP has never had to financially support the DCs.

Whenever this came up, DP would always say he wanted to live together but it was always in another couple of months. When I asked him why he kept delaying and if, perhaps, he really meant he didn't want to move in but was afraid saying so would be the end of our relationship, he denied it every time. He did want to move in, but he just had to do XYZ at work first, or we'd discuss it after our holiday, or whatever.

Into the third year, this continued. I then decided (for other reasons, to do with better schools for the DCs) to relocate next year to an area that is more convenient for DP's work (and mine). In about May, I told him about this and asked if he would move in with us when we move. He said no. He had other priorities. He wanted to get on the property ladder, couldn't afford to on his own, and decided to buy a place with a family member. Said he couldn't consider buying with me because we've both been in LTRs that haven't worked out and have lost our footing on the property ladder so I should understand that he needs his own investment that is "secure" in the event of any break-up. I should make my own arrangements re moving. We had a massive bust-up. A couple of weeks later we reconciled as he didn't want the relationship to end and neither did I. However, the living together thing was the elephant in the room.

Two months later he said he thought he might like to move in with us when we move to the new town next year, and as preparation for this, he should move in where we are now, to see how it goes, "and then if it doesn't work out, you'll be moving anyway so you won't have to change your plans so nothing ventured nothing gained". I thought this was the least romantic proposition ever. Surely moving in together happens when you both feel you can't bear NOT to be with the other person, not on the basis of seeing if you can tolerate each other full time?

As a result of this I now do not want to live with him at all. My DCs adore him and if he were to move in and move out again, they would be devastated. I can't risk that. For my own part, I feel - perhaps childishly? - that he should be desperate to move in with me and my fantastic DCs, who he is brilliant with and does so much for, as we have been together for 3 years now and it is time. The fact that he is couching everything in terms of what happens if we break up leaves me stone cold. I have been left high and dry myself after a LTR with 2 DCs so I'm not all rosy-eyed about it but I do think you can't go into a relationship planning for the end of it.

So my questions are:

1. would you feel that DP's "offer" to move in was rather back-handed?

1. if I do not want to live with him at all on the basis that he is so fixated on "protecting his position", should I end the relationship now?

50shades - the man in question ended his last relationship cos he didn't want kids and hasn't mentioned wanting them as far as OP has said. I think you need to read the thread properly, that's quite a ranty post that doesn't fit with the info we've been given at all.

50shades (ex)DP has expressly said he never wants his own kids. I have said that, although I have no burning desire for more, if he did want one, I would. It's not that I would never have another, but It's not a relationship-driving factor.

Aw honey, I didn't expect it to end up in the knacker's yard quite so soon but a manchild rarely behaves in a mature manner when his toys have been taken away from him.

And I suspect that he is a manchild. A charming, boyish, pie in the sky, head in the clouds, commitment-phobe who believes that he's immortal got all the time in the world to make life-changing decisions such as having dc.

Of course, being male, he can afford to defer this particular decision and I further suspect that you've been spared a future heartbreak scenario where he decides that, apart from the Aston Martin, what he wants above all things is dc after you are no longer biologically able to make his desire come true naturally.

As advised by others, be age-appropriately honest with your dc who may be less upset than you fear. Nature abhors a vacuum and I have no doubt that they'll shortly be happily focused on the ever-changing kaleidoscope of their childhoods and he'll be a fond memory that is rarely brought to mind.

What you don't want is for your dc to be unsettled by break-ups and make-ups and, to that end, I suggest you resolve to make this break final.

I'm with numberlock.

I'm puzzled too as to why when he told you hed left a LTR becaause he didn't want to 'settle down' and wanted a 'lifestyle' why you were expecting him to want to settle down with you and your children?

He told you from the outset but he's the badguy for sticking to his word?

Amberleaf I don't think you can have read the thread. He doesn't want HIS OWN children, because he doesn't want that financial commitment. He loves my children and has always done loads with them, of his own volition and when I am not there as well.

Erm no I read the entire thread and I still think (based on OPs posts) that this man made clear what he did/didnt want.

OP he may well have loved your children and enjoyed time with them but he clearly didn't want to live with them/you full time which seems to have been the main issue.

Izzyin. Reread my first post. You'll notice I write in the past tense so I was well aware that the OPs relationship was over albeit very recently.

He doesn't want HIS OWN children, because he doesn't want that financial commitment

Maybe he thought that moving in with you and your children would then mean he would have some financial respobsibility to your children? I know that's how it works for lots of people in that situation.

No Amberleaf, he knew there would be no financial element. My DCs' father is quite wealthy and pays for them.

I agree it seems he did not want to live with us. However, he kept saying he did, just not yet. And more recently he said he did want to, NOW, but on a trial basis.

Either way it seems like you've had a lucky escape. As his level of commitment (or lack of) is a bit off.

This man thinks he's got a gold-plated cock and any woman should be willing to wait patiently and stay on the back burner for as long as it takes him to make his mind up. You're well rid.

Boondoggle, frankly, this guy has had his trail run for three years, he is not interested in anything more, but has become comfortable with having some companionship and sex over the weekends and continue to act as a single man with no responsibilities towards you during the rest of the time.

I am in such a relationship, but probably a little bit ahead of where you are. I got tired of waiting), I know now he is not going to change, and he will never be fully there for me or my child (no matter how well they get along, I know he wouldn't be fussed about moving out of my child's life). So I am no longer in love with him and can see him for what he is: Someone who needs some company over the weekends, someone to talk on the phone at night, sex, and to stay as single and free of any mundane things like sharing bills, and taking responsibility for each other, etc. So... after ending it in several occasions, we are now in this comfortable "agreement" where we do things together in the weekends but I don't have sex with him.

He thinks he's romancing me into going back to him. I know he is just removing part the boredom of long weekends until I find another person.

Nice one, Athendof. I love poetic justice

Oh, that reminds me, must mention the marriage word to DP when I'm next parched, it normally has him running to make a brew to get over the trauma ...!

Athendorf: Good on you, nothing at all wrong with taking the enjoyable bits but not putting yourself out. Sometimes it's actually better to have someone who is pleasant company but who you don't have to look after/be financially tied to/ service domestically. If he stops being enjoyable company, you can just bin him and move on.