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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling like a walk over today, how do I feel good again?

40 replies

tiredcommuter · 14/08/2012 13:29

Hi,

Bit of back ground, have been with DP for around 18 months, we have been friends longer but got together quite soon after his (and mine was similar time too) marriage break up.
He has a DD from this marriage.

We have been living together for 8 months.

I was on mumsnet a couple of weeks ago and saw a post from his EXW, it was clearly from her as it was about a situation we were currently dealing with. I clicked on her user name and (I know I shouldn't have looked, curiosity like that never ends well) looked at some of her old posts. I discovered that she and my DP slept together (yes she posted about it!) About a month after we got together.

I was hugely upset, DP came straight home from work, I screamed at him for quite a while, I cried quite a lot and then didn't eat or sleep for about 3 days.

To me this is pretty huge, nothing like this has ever happened to me before, god even my marriage break up wasn't all that hard as we were just friends that had grown apart, split up and are still now friends.

So that was two weeks ago and I'm still angry, still feel shit about it. I am most upset by the fact he didn't tell me, that's where I have lost the trust in him.

I just can't stop thinking about it, how he did it and then acted like nothing happened for so long, how he looked me in the face the day after.

I got a big email from his EXW telling me how it was understandable how it happened and that I shouldn't be jealous of her and she never wants it to happen again. That hasn't helped either.

So its my day off, normally I love going to buy flowers, cooking something lovely for dinner, making the house look nice, I liked doing this like this but today I think 'fuck it' why should I make things nice for him, why should I do anything for him.

I don't want to keep bringing it up though, I need to keep venting because its still bothering me but if I keep doing that and directing it at him it will never go away! I don't know what's normal, how long will I stay angry? Do I even have a right to be angry? I mean some people of here have been through 10 times worse. Am I being self indlugent?

Sorry its long and ramberling and I'm not even sure what I'm asking!

God it the EXW sees this she will 100% know its me! I don't care if she does to be honest

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredcommuter · 14/08/2012 13:32

Sorry about typos and spelling mistakes, I am on my phone.

Thanks

OP posts:
puds11 · 14/08/2012 13:35

It shouldn't of happened, but i can see why it did too. It sounds like a 'farewell fuck' tbh, and i doubt it was anything more. They split for a reason. He should have told you, but i guess he was worried that it would jeprodise his relationship with you (rightly so) and has made things worse with his dishonesty.

Does he have a track record of cheating/lying?

LookBehindYou · 14/08/2012 13:38

How long had he and his exw been together? If it had been a long time I can understand revisiting the past even if it's a very very bad idea. How did he react when you found out? Did you both split up with your respective ex partners to get together?

Original poster
tiredcommuter · 14/08/2012 13:41

I know, its not so much the act (it wasn't an affair or anything) its the not telling me and hoping I wouldn't find out.

He said he didn't tell me because it ment nothing but I think I had a right to know and make my own choice about whether to stay or not.

He had affairs with his EXW twice, once years ago and he broke it off and stayed with the other GF (although did teLl her) and again when they got together properly.

He is the kind of person who if caught will tell you everything, he was honest with me once I found out and was honest with his EX GF's about his affairs with his EXW. He doest see them as affairs though he just thinks he ended his relationships in very messy ways. That makes me uncomfortable

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredcommuter · 14/08/2012 13:45

Sorry LookBehindYou missed your post, they were together 5 yrs. I was with my EXH 10 yrs. We didn't leave our partners for each other, we just got together a bit too soon after our break ups. But I had had feelings for him since I first met him and him for me

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredcommuter · 14/08/2012 14:40

Just to add, when I told him he came straight home from work and was quite shook up, he took everything I said to him and said apologiseing just isn't enough. He kind of ignored me for the next couple of days, said the hurt look on my face just made him want to die.

It settled down and felt a bit more normal untill 5 days after, we went to a gig, I got drunk because if felt weird being so normal made a snidey comment and when we got home he went balistic, screaming, hitting the walls, I went outside to have a fag and get away from him, he followed me, compleatly naked and still shouting. Total pity party 'why aren't I over it yet', 'why am I still going on a bout it' ect ect

He has since then just gone back to like it never happened. Think that's why I feel walked over, I want him to know he can't be dishonest with me and get away with it but if I keep going on about it, it will never go away!

OP posts:
glasscompletelybroken · 14/08/2012 15:22

On it's own this wouldn't have to be the end for me - I may be able to get over it and think it was a 'farewell fuck'. But his track record is poor isn't it? He doesn't seem to be the faithful type and his inability to understand why you are not over it doesn't bode well.

It may be the case that once caught he will tell you everything but what else hasn't he been caught at yet?

I'm sorry but in your shoes I would be contemplating an exit plan.

glasscompletelybroken · 14/08/2012 15:24

Sorry also meant to say that you don't have to feel responsible for getting over it and feeling good again. You are entitled to feel badly treated and you will need to go over it during the process of moving on from it - whether you stay together or not.

LookBehindYou · 14/08/2012 15:25

I'm not sure what to say OP. This doesn't sound like a very nice situation. Is he worth forgiving?

Original poster
tiredcommuter · 14/08/2012 15:39

I know, he doesn't sound like the faithful type does he. I have been thinking over the last week, will I spend forever with him wondering when he will meet someone else?

He just doesn't see it as an affair if the relationship was broken to start with, I can't get through to him that if your not happy you leave and then sort out a new relationship. Its hard for me to understand as I wasn't there, I don't know what really happened.

Thing is I love him, we get on so well, he makes me laugh, he can be so kind and thoughtful. I know he really does love me but I can't garentte that will last forever.

He says this isn't a big enough thing to split us up and his past is his past, he says he won't repeat those mistakes. I don't know whether this happening is a sign I should get out now or whether he knows himself best and when he says he it wasn't like that, it wasn't. Like I should give him another chance

Thank you for your replys, its good to hear for someone who doesn't know me ot us. My friends have said they can see how happy he makes me and I should try and move forward with our relationship

OP posts:
glasscompletelybroken · 14/08/2012 15:48

But he's not making you happy is he? You can't trust him, he doesn't have the same values as you do and he is trying to make you feel in the wrong for feeling bad that he cheated on you.

He says his past is his past and he won't repeat those mistakes but he has repeated them and doesn't even seem to think they are mistakes.

LookBehindYou · 14/08/2012 15:52

I do believe that people can change. Are you happy with him? He had a one night stand with an old partner that might have just been nostalgia and security of knowing the person.

Bottom line. Are you happy?

Original poster
tiredcommuter · 14/08/2012 15:56

Oh god glasscompletelybroken I know you are totally right. He did cheat on me didn't he? I have had him and his EXW telling me its not cheating and that it was just an understandable mistake, this is why I feel wrong being so upset and angry. Like I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

To me it is a big deal, no one has cheated on me before (I'm 30 so only really had two proper relationships before as was with EXH 10yrs). He thinks looking at his past like that is being negative and people change but your right, he didn't change then why should I expect him to change now.

Thank you again for your replys, I do need to hear this

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredcommuter · 14/08/2012 15:58

LookBehindYou up until two weeks ago I was happy

OP posts:
TheBirderer · 14/08/2012 16:01

"when we got home he went balistic, screaming, hitting the walls, I went outside to have a fag and get away from him, he followed me, compleatly naked and still shouting. Total pity party 'why aren't I over it yet', 'why am I still going on a bout it' ect ect"

You know, I find this more disturbing then the cheating (and it was cheating). This is a very bad reaction. VERY bad. Why was he shouting at you? Why was he hitting things? Why was he screaming at you and asking why you weren't over it when it was him who'd done wrong?

I wouldn't be happy with this reaction at all.

EldritchCleavage · 14/08/2012 16:02

when we got home he went balistic, screaming, hitting the walls, I went outside to have a fag and get away from him, he followed me, compleatly naked and still shouting. Total pity party 'why aren't I over it yet', 'why am I still going on a bout it' ect ect

Very nasty. I second the question 'Is he worth forgiving?' because that reaction is a big red flag right there. He doesn't sound sorry, just annoyed you won't shut up about it.

Original poster
tiredcommuter · 14/08/2012 16:04

Your point about different values really means something. I want to bring it up again with him, explain that he HAS cheated on other people and he DID cheat on me, that it is horrible behavoiur and does he want to spend the rest of his life being that person or does he want to build something that will last.

I'm worried if I do though he will think I'm draging up the past and not being posotive and looking forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredcommuter · 14/08/2012 16:12

The night he was shouting at me felt like a nevous breakdown, like all the stress of the last 5 days had built up and he just let it out. It was horrible, he clearly doesn't handle guilt well.

I know I didn't cause this but feel like I'm making it worse by still feeling like this, like a bigger person would have just got over it

OP posts:
nkf · 14/08/2012 16:16

The wall banging and screaming sounds scary.

glasscompletelybroken · 14/08/2012 16:18

You can't be positive about the future though unless you are absolutely certain that he would never do this again. He doesn't even seem to accept that he has done wrong. He doesn't think of it as cheating - it is cheating and his attitude would not make me think he was sorry and would never do it again.

It is all about values. I really don't think you can sustain a long term relationship with someone with such different values to yours. Sorry if it is inappropriate to ask but is it a possibility that you would have children together? If it is then this is even more true.

nkf · 14/08/2012 16:20

How does Ex know that you know?

Original poster
tiredcommuter · 14/08/2012 16:21

nkf it was slightly more pitiful to be honest, coupled with the crying and being naked. I didn't feel intimidated, he wouldn't actually hurt me. But its still not good I know.

Am thinking about going to stay at my parents for a few days, maybe sometime away would be good

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredcommuter · 14/08/2012 16:27

Yes glasscompletelybroken there is a big possibilty of DC's, we had been looking for a bigger house to move before we started ttc this coming jan. Obviously that is off the cards at the moment (which makes me so sad as I'm dying to have DC's and he is a great dad despite all of this plus I was and still am very much in love with him)

It just feels like something that in other context and with another man could be forgiven but because of his past I seriously have to reconcider our future together. I want to put my head in the sand going la la la and hope it will all go away but that won't lead to a happy life

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredcommuter · 14/08/2012 16:29

nkf because DP told her, I think he was annoyed that she had put something so intimate on the internet.

OP posts:
nkf · 14/08/2012 16:31

Is this ex the mother of his daughter? I'm sorry but there is something off about it all to my mind. At the simplest level, you've learned some things about him. About how he handles feeling under pressure/guilt. You've also learned about yourself. That fidelity and honesty is very important to you. One thing I would say is that you only have to "get over it" if you stay with him. You could decide that you'd rather leave.