Feeling like a walk over today, how do I feel good again?

[tiredcommuter]

Hi,

Bit of back ground, have been with DP for around 18 months, we have been friends longer but got together quite soon after his (and mine was similar time too) marriage break up.
He has a DD from this marriage.

We have been living together for 8 months.

I was on mumsnet a couple of weeks ago and saw a post from his EXW, it was clearly from her as it was about a situation we were currently dealing with. I clicked on her user name and (I know I shouldn't have looked, curiosity like that never ends well) looked at some of her old posts. I discovered that she and my DP slept together (yes she posted about it!) About a month after we got together.

I was hugely upset, DP came straight home from work, I screamed at him for quite a while, I cried quite a lot and then didn't eat or sleep for about 3 days.

To me this is pretty huge, nothing like this has ever happened to me before, god even my marriage break up wasn't all that hard as we were just friends that had grown apart, split up and are still now friends.

So that was two weeks ago and I'm still angry, still feel shit about it. I am most upset by the fact he didn't tell me, that's where I have lost the trust in him.

I just can't stop thinking about it, how he did it and then acted like nothing happened for so long, how he looked me in the face the day after.

I got a big email from his EXW telling me how it was understandable how it happened and that I shouldn't be jealous of her and she never wants it to happen again. That hasn't helped either.

So its my day off, normally I love going to buy flowers, cooking something lovely for dinner, making the house look nice, I liked doing this like this but today I think 'fuck it' why should I make things nice for him, why should I do anything for him.

I don't want to keep bringing it up though, I need to keep venting because its still bothering me but if I keep doing that and directing it at him it will never go away! I don't know what's normal, how long will I stay angry? Do I even have a right to be angry? I mean some people of here have been through 10 times worse. Am I being self indlugent?

Sorry its long and ramberling and I'm not even sure what I'm asking!

God it the EXW sees this she will 100% know its me! I don't care if she does to be honest

Yes nkf his EXW is the mother. What do you think feels off?

Your post is very correct, its not bad to learn that about yourself and yes it clearly very important, I hate dishonestly, I'd rather deal with a hard situation than lie about it.

Its interesting, people that know us think we're well matched so I'm quite shocked to find we clearly have different values. Once again thank you all for this, you are helping me think so much

The fact that he has had a conversation with his ex about this just further undermines you doesn't it?

and again he is shifting the blame onto someone else. If he hadn't had sex with her it wouldn't have ben on FB!

What would it take for you to trust him enough to have children with him? You may be waiting too long for the answer to that.

glasscompletelybroken, I don't like that he told her, she does like meddleing quite a lot (although this isn't about her at all) hence why she then sent me an email. I didn't even think of it at the time, but yes (in a slightly defeated tone) he was trying to shift the blame, at least for that moment when he clearly paniced.

I'm not sure what he can do to rebuild the trust, I have been racking my brains, he asked what he could do to prove it would never happen again but the only thing I can think will prove it is to not do it again and that takes time.

I know it was only the once and I know nothing like that happened again (because she never mentioned anything like that again on her mumsnet posts that I read after that incident 18 months ago) so in away he has proved he can be faithful for the last 17 months of our relationship! Do I take that in to concideration?

Well only you can decide that. 17 months is not long - I would think if you stay together and have kids you will want him to be faithful forever and there's not any evidence that he is capable. I think the most worrying thing is that he doesn't actually consider that he has cheated. I think in your shoes I would have to see him admit that he has cheated on you and previously on his ex and also that it is wrong and that he shouldn't expect that you should just get over it.

It will all be a lot more difficult if he is unfaithful 5 years down the line and you have children.

glasscompletelybroken you are totally right (thank you) admitting it all would be a good start, it would seem real then and he would have to deal with it. I find it so fustrating!!! Like he can't hear what he is saying, how can you have sex with someone while your in a relationship (no matter how bad) and not think that is cheating?!!

I'm going to have another chat with him, I'm going to tell him I'm still bothered by what happened, he cannot just expect it to go away because he has had 18 months of denying to himself and that he has to own up to what he has done. Only then can we start to move forward.

I don't really want to think about it if he doesn't but I'll come to that bridge (and probably mumsnet!) If it comes to it.

I don't want us to split up, I love him and I thought we had a lovely future together, I also love his DD so much, it would kill me to not see her again but everyone is right, he does have form and I don't want to be 5 yrs and two DC's down the line have mine and my DC's world explode because he is a selfish man

I really wish you luck with whatever you decide. It's a hard decision but of you can get him to see that he has cheated on you and hurt you that would be a small step in the right direction.

I know if I told you all the things he had done in the last 18 months you would tell me to leave, I know I probably should but I have a nagging feeling that it could be great.

God reading this thread back I sound quite weak and I'm really not, I have a good job, manage a lot of people, travel the world but something makes me feel so unsure of whether to stay or go. He is hard work and hasn't treated me amazingly but still I'm here! It does make me worn out though.

Thanks again

Can I just ask, and this may be way off and sorry in advance if so, could there be an element of fear you'll be a "failure" if your second big relationship fails? Are you maybe putting pressure on yourself after one divorce to "get it right" this time?

Or, looking at the times you've given, it looks like you haven't really been single since you were 18. You moved on to your DP really soon after splitting from your husband. Could there be an element of fear of being alone?

Sorry if all of that is way off base.

There is probably some truth in what you say HoldMeCloserTonyDanza and yes your right I have never been on my own as an adult, I moved out of home to live with my first BF at 17 then met my husband straight after was with him 10 yrs and had a month on my own before starting a relationship with DP.

I was emotionly ready for a new relationship as my marriage had been over for a long time but I only lived on my own for a year before DP and I moved in together and then I wasn't really on my own.

It true I have no idea how to be single, I never have been! It is probably why I put up with more than a lot of women would. I don't really like the idea of that but you are probably right.

I have always been very confident, I'm not bad looking or old so I don't think 'this is it, I won't find anyone else' but this happening has knocked my confidence a lot, I'm much quieter and do smile a lot less.

I have a great family and they would support me no matter what, they always have so I have that and that should give me more confidence.

I'm going to see a film tonight, on my own! As DP is at band practice, let's see how I do on a night out on my own.

Thanks

God today he is being a dick! He just wants it all to go away, doesn't want months of this and thinks if I keep going on about it then it will split us up.

So I'm not allowed to be upset!

Where do men get off?!

If it was a one-off isolated event, maybe you could accept it but his denial that it is cheating coupled with his tantrums don't bode well. Plus you say that hr is hard work and has done other things. Don't stick it out because you think you should. It might be good to be on your own for a bit.

Aparently its only a small thing and not an affair so I should just be fine.

He's hard work because he has deppresion (that's not what's hard work, he's had it for 5 yrs) and randomly stops taking his ad's and doesn't tell me. It all goes a bit mental then.

Just annoyed he is an inconciderate twat today!

Thank you bleedingheart

It's not where men get off. Most men have no trouble seeing that sleeping with someone other than your current partner is cheating, and have no trouble understanding that somebody would be very hurt and angry when they discover said cheating.

If you want a partner that understands that, you will find one easily.

The reason your partner doesn't understand it is because he is a serial cheater and it's not convenient for him to understand it.

Every relationship involves compromise but you don't have to put up with a massive flaw like cheating, involving an ex wife in your relationship to the extent he has, confiding in her about incredibly personal stuff, and now telling you to basically shut up about how badly he has hurt you.

Someone who does all that is NOT a catch. You are lovely, you can do so much better.

Incidentally, do you think he cheated on his wife while he was with her? Do you think he'd tell you if he had?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza, sorry I thought this thread had gone dead and didn't see this.

I don't think he did cheat on his ex, I mean I can't be 100% sure but had to meet her before I was allowed to meet his DD and she had too much fun trashing him, I really think she would have said if he had cheated.

He admitted he cheated on me but says that his past is not as black and white as I'm making out, I think he only really sees it as cheating if the relationship isn't broken and its only an affair if it goes on for ages. From what I can tell he has only ever cheated with his EX, I was the third person he cheated on with her. That makes me feel so gross.

Everything you say is true, I could find a man that treats me so much better, I hate that my stupid love for him makes me waver on leaving!

When I look back at the last 18 months he hasn't treated me very well, I always thought it would get better, like there was always a reason for him doing that or being like that, its probably down to him not being that great isn't it?!

Thank you, I don't like what everyone has told me on here but its good to hear it