Is it me or my parents?

[Lulu1984]

I've posted before about my parents. Everything was fine until my DH and I had our DD who is now 2.6. We would see them regularly, go out for dinner with them, my DH helped my dad out on several occassions, never had any rows. We've been together 10 yrs so over 7 yrs of no problems.

In 2010 we had our DD and got married and since then it seems like my mum particularly has turned on me, she started telling me how I didnt do things with our wedding right, how I did more stuff with MIL (which wasn't true, there was 2 occassions i did things with her and it was because she was looking after our niece so we took the kids out together). Everything I seem to do isn't right. She moans she doesn't see DD enough when she sees her every week for at least a whole day since shes been born, most weeks its 2 days.

We've obviously had to go out for meals out etc a lot less now due to lack of money and as they tend to go late in evenings which DD doesnt deal with well and its just not relaxing for us. But other than that we don't think we've done anything out of order or anything to purposely hurt their feelings, we're just trying to put DD first.

My mum has been suffering from depression since then and I seem to get from my parents, if you go out with us at the weekends more on day trips or came over every week for dinner she'll be fine. We have over the last 2 years tried doing more with them and its never been good enough and we still get made to feel guilty that my mum is so depressed she cant sleep and is in tears all the time.

We have got to the stage where we really just dont want to put the effort in any more. My DH is really angry at her now as he can see how much it effects me and in turn our DD is picking up on the tension. Unfortunately I cant just reduce contact as she babysits 2 days a week for us and I work for her so see her at least 2/3 days a week.

I've tried talking to my dad about her behaviour and just get told to talk to her (which is hard to do as she cries and tells me how horrible i am to her). He seems to think its me making her so upset and if I just agree to see her and do more things with her it will all magically be better. Though in the same conversation he told me if he thought she wouldnt do anything silly he would leave her as he's had enough!

I'm just getting so confused. Is it me causing her to be depressed? I haven't done anything to hurt her on purpose, i'm just trying to raise my daughter the best we can. No one else in my family really talks to me anymore as they see my mum regularly and they either dont want to get involved or shes being saying bad things about me. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Sorry its so long xx

Do you spend a disproportionate amount of time with your MIL or your DH's family though, in comparison to time spent with your parents? It sounds as though your mother is grieving a bit at losing her 'baby' once you had your own baby to focus on, and she is feeling needy and wants more time with you and her DGDD. I think she seems a bit jealous of something or other.

No we've always spent more time with my family than DH and that hasn't changed. When I was on mat leave i went out a couple of times with mil as she had our niece. I was still seeing my mum at least once a week with DD as well so it hadn't changed anything.

I do agree she seems jealous and seems to be trying to get between my and DH, even telling me she wished we never got married. She just doesnt seem to realise i'm working, studying, have a toddler, I don't have as much time as I used to and i'm exhausted.

Are you an only child, or at least an only daughter?

I have an older brother who lives several hours away. They have had similar issues but the whole time I've had it portrayed (by my parents) as my bro and sil being unreasonable etc but we have since managed to see them alone and sil especially has confirmed shes felt the same way as me. Funnily enough I think their trouble started after they got married.

I think your parents are stuggling to deal with empty nest syndrome. They mananged to cling onto their adult children before partners and babies appeared, and they slid down the leader board of importance! Don't know what to suggest to solve it though.

I've not read your other posts and I might be stating the obvious here but if your mum is suffering from depression she is not seeing the world in a rational way. This is not your fault. You are not causing her depression any more than you would be causing her to suffer from anything else eg diabetes.

IMO your father is wrong to think that more contact from you would help her feel better. It puts pressure on you, when your first concern must be YOUR child now.

I see my family a couple of times a YEAR. I'm amazed how often some people see their families.

I have personal experience of depression and it can make people 1. Very selfish 2. Very quarrelsome/argumentative . 3. Very angry.
This is the illness. It's not a result of your behaviour or contact or how you are as a daughter.

Don't feel pressured into spending time with them. Maybe have a regular once a fortnight Sunday lunch? Be assertive about plans that are not in your daughter's best interest, eg going out for evening meals. Don't be blackmailed

Can you encourage your parents to seek more help for her depression?

It sounds as if you do your best for your mum and in fact do a lot more than an awful lot of people.
Good luck.

I think your mum is depressed and tbh Im not sure that there is anything you could do to change her behaviour.

Is she getting treatment for the depression?

My mum sounds extremely similar. My solution was to cut her out (shes not depressed, just toxic) but I dont think you need to go as far.

Can you get your DB and SIL on board and stage a kind of intervention. Maybe if theres several people saying the same thing she might take it on board better. Obviously at the time she will accuse you all of ganging up etc etc but maybe when she thinks it over she might realise what shes doing.

The comments about you shouldnt have got married etc are vile and you really need to address these at the time. Ask her does she realise how hurtful she is being. Say you wont listen to her negativity.

Its so difficult to deal with someone like this. But you deserve a supportive mother.

Thanks spanglemum that has really helped. I've been over run with guilt as they make out i'm such a rubbish daughter. My DH and I have been trying to say she needs to get some counselling or something but my dad just wants to bury his head in the sand.

We have made sure we put DD first but they don't seem to understand that. It also doesn't help that my aunts children are ridiculously close to their parents and one of my cousins has a baby who is very laid back and is happy to sit in a restaurant for several hrs.

My DH has been great its just whenever I talk to my dad about the situation I always end up doubting myself.

wannabe - when she made those comments I was so gobsmacked I didnt know what to say, when she makes comments like that she says them when no one else can hear then walks off so I can't really respond!

She's on anti Ds but thats it. She has some other health issues that probably don't help, and is another thing used to make me feel guilty.

An intervention may be a good thing. We haven't discussed her behaviour with anyone else until recently with bro and sil. I have considered talking to my nan and have tried to broach the subject a few times but feel she tries to miminise it to keep the peace and she has quite a lot to deal with as it is so don't blame her.

Have to echo spanglemum, is your DM seeing anyone about her depression? Because it sounds to me like most of the problems your experiencing with her are directly related to that.

I think that whatever you do you must keep telling yourself that none of it is your fault. Its easy for your dad to blame you instead of himself or your mum. It doesnt sound like their relationship is a happy one.

You got married, you have a lovely little family. Whats wrong about that? You are not responsible for your parents happiness.

wannabe thats just what my DH keeps saying to me, its just nice to hear someone not involved to be saying the same!

I think I will try to talk to my mum tomorrow, if she wont listen my dad. If they still refuse to address it then I think all I can do is gradually reduce contact. I'm also getting increasingly worried leaving my mum in charge of DD as shes getting so scatty im scared she'll get hurt

Sounds like your Bro and SIL might have had a similar experience. Can you and they encourage your mum to go back to the GP to ask for more help? You don't have to specify what help, just keep suggesting firmly and kindly 'I think you need to go and see the doctor again to talk about your depression'. Then it's down to her not your Dad and also up to the doctor what she or he suggests.

My MIL is a bit like your mum, though she actually has a case in that one of her sons and his wife do very little and what they do, is done with very bad grace and massive resentment. My MIL suffers from depression and is very very difficult. She doesn't realise how she alienates people. I'm sure your mum doesn't realise either.

You sound like you are very busy trying to make everyone happy. Look after yourself and see if you can get a book on being assertive. I know you've got enough to do but it will help.

Just remember this is an illness and it's not your fault

spanglemum

thanks spanglemum x

Hope things improve Lulu! x

Your mum is emotionally blackmailing you- her illness is not a result of anything you have done- it's an illness and she is responsible for dealing with it.

How old is she?

Is she going through the menopause?

Does she have a job, hobbies, friends of her own? If not, why not?

She seems to be wanting to hang on to you in an unhealthy way.

Lots of similarities to my mum (both parents actually). Still treat me like a baby, expect me to be at their beck and call, hardly ever come to visit me as they see it's my job to visit them, show hardly any interest in my life etc etc. I can relate to so much to your feeling that this is 'all your fault', your guilt about being a 'bad daughter' and that it's 'your job' to fix it. It isn't. It really isn't. I know it's horrible seeing your parents in emotional pain and unhappy but it is really truly not your problem to fix OP.

You need to put yourself first here. As other posters have said, it's not your job to make your parents happy - please hold on to that and over time you will start to really believe it. It's just not fair for your mum or dad to expect you to solve all their problems. Also hold on to your feeling that actually nothing will ever be quite good enough. This is the truth and it will set you free

I don't meant to make light of any of this - your feelings are real and it's horrible to feel things like guilt and disappointment. Please try to stay focused on what you need. You need to be all about the boundaries so think about what you can accept from your parents and what you can't.

'Also hold on to your feeling that actually nothing will ever be quite good enough' - for them

ameliagrey - I think she did start going through the menopause at the same time and there was also health issues so prob explain why it all started but its been like this for over 2 years now and getting worse!
She does have a job, i work for her, and has friends and hobbies and she does do things. I think she has this ideal in her head of what a perfect family should be and act like and I def dont live up to it!

Lotta - I can relate to a lot of the things about your parents too, especially still being treated like a child. Have you managed to resolve any issues with them or just distanced yourself a bit?

I'm finding it hard to trust her as she neglects to tell me things, sometimes important stuff re work or even just invites to family events which she'll wait til last minute to mention and then make me look bad when i can't make it due to the short notice.

Lulu, things got better for me when I got myself a good therapist I see her weekly and it's hard work, agonising at times but it's helping me so much to separate from them emotionally. Luckily, I live in a different country to my parents - the single best thing that ever happened to me was moving here - so don't see them very often (they visit me about once every 2 years). I have cut phone contact down to once a month. I never ever hear from them in between these calls - they are so angry at me for growing up and not being a baby anymore and now reducing contact and not being available to listen to all their crap and be their emotional toilet.

I still struggle with guilt sometimes and the 'bad daughter' thing, but I'm really starting to see them for what they are, and letting go of the hope that they will ever see me for who I am. It's the hardest thing I've ever done but I can feel myself becoming a happier, more contented person bit by bit

Ok I tried talking to my mum about all this yesterday which is a big thing as i'm not very good at getting my feelings across without being a blubbering wreck.

It was an interesting experience. I found out how some stupid things shes been holding against me and DH, things we didn't even know where issues and wouldnt be issues to most people.

During the whole discussion she did listen but didn't really seem to accept what i was saying and spent most of the time telling me how rude and disrespectful my DH is. I feel positive that I didnt make any promises to make an effort to see her more or anything.

The only thing I did say and now i'm not sure if its a good idea or not is that I said maybe if we went to counselling together we may be able to sort things out a bit. My thinking behind this was to have someone impartial and I guess kind of refereeing/guiding any discussions.

Do you think its worth a chance?

If that doesnt work I just don't know what else to do anymore. DH almost broke my heart last night by saying he just wants his happy wife back and cant bare to see me getting hurt like this. I used to be so carefree and happy and i want to get back to that so bad.

I think it might help actually because it doesn't require challenging her "bad daughter" belief but I think in the long term when someone is so toxic you need to work out how much effort you are going to put in. Then you need to stop when you reach that point.

Has she had a thyroid test? What are the other health problems?

I feel like this is the last effort i am prepared to put in and if we can't achieve something through this then I don't think things will ever change or improve.

Its so hard, I get things sorted in my head, then talk to her and she has me doubting everything again by turning everything back on me which again gets me thinking have i really been so bad.

She was knocked over by a car when i was little which resulted in her having to have a hip replacement and this had to be replaced again around the time i got married/ had dd and all the trouble started. She has also been diagnosed with depression and i think has been going through the menopause.