Is it me or my parents?

[Lulu1984]

I've posted before about my parents. Everything was fine until my DH and I had our DD who is now 2.6. We would see them regularly, go out for dinner with them, my DH helped my dad out on several occassions, never had any rows. We've been together 10 yrs so over 7 yrs of no problems.

In 2010 we had our DD and got married and since then it seems like my mum particularly has turned on me, she started telling me how I didnt do things with our wedding right, how I did more stuff with MIL (which wasn't true, there was 2 occassions i did things with her and it was because she was looking after our niece so we took the kids out together). Everything I seem to do isn't right. She moans she doesn't see DD enough when she sees her every week for at least a whole day since shes been born, most weeks its 2 days.

We've obviously had to go out for meals out etc a lot less now due to lack of money and as they tend to go late in evenings which DD doesnt deal with well and its just not relaxing for us. But other than that we don't think we've done anything out of order or anything to purposely hurt their feelings, we're just trying to put DD first.

My mum has been suffering from depression since then and I seem to get from my parents, if you go out with us at the weekends more on day trips or came over every week for dinner she'll be fine. We have over the last 2 years tried doing more with them and its never been good enough and we still get made to feel guilty that my mum is so depressed she cant sleep and is in tears all the time.

We have got to the stage where we really just dont want to put the effort in any more. My DH is really angry at her now as he can see how much it effects me and in turn our DD is picking up on the tension. Unfortunately I cant just reduce contact as she babysits 2 days a week for us and I work for her so see her at least 2/3 days a week.

I've tried talking to my dad about her behaviour and just get told to talk to her (which is hard to do as she cries and tells me how horrible i am to her). He seems to think its me making her so upset and if I just agree to see her and do more things with her it will all magically be better. Though in the same conversation he told me if he thought she wouldnt do anything silly he would leave her as he's had enough!

I'm just getting so confused. Is it me causing her to be depressed? I haven't done anything to hurt her on purpose, i'm just trying to raise my daughter the best we can. No one else in my family really talks to me anymore as they see my mum regularly and they either dont want to get involved or shes being saying bad things about me. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Sorry its so long xx

I think i would have disengaged by now if I didnt work for her and if she wasnt looking after my DD while I work. I can't afford to not work and as i'm not fully qualified yet i can't look for a job elsewhere. I have a deadline in my head of this time next year as by then I should have completed my studying and my DD will also be getting the free childcare so i will be free to look for opportunities elsewhere and have childcare in place.

I just think i'm trying any last attempts to sort things before then in a hope that we can get things back to how they used to be.

"I just think i'm trying any last attempts to sort things before then in a hope that we can get things back to how they used to be".

That won't happen because the dynamics have changed and you now have your own family unit. Your parents still want and have wanted to control you, many problems like this often come to the fore when the children now adults themselves have children. You are perhaps caught up now in the FOG re your parents - fear, obligation, guilt.

I would not let your Dad off the hook here; he seems to be acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life like many bystanders.

Counselling with both you and they present is definitely NOT, repeat NOT recommended here; they won't go and will not listen to anyone anyway because they think they are not doing anything wrong.

Counselling for your own self alone re your relationship with your parents is definitely a good idea. You may want to read the book entitled Toxic Parents written by Susan Forward as it gives more insight into dysfunctional families and how and why they operate.

You are not and never have been responsible for your mother's happiness.
This is not your responsibility here (your parents also have to want to play ball and I very much doubt they will be reasonable, again another reason not to go into any joint counselling). I also note your brother has had issues with them as well, was not too surprised to read that unfortunately. Is often the case. I would be interested to hear what their relationship is like with his parents these days.

Do you really still have to work for your mother, is there really no other alternative?.

I rarely get to see/talk to my bro about things and he is always reluctant to say anything bad about them (this may be due to them regularly giving him money whenever hes short). His wife, my sil has confirmed shes felt similar to me. My parents deny there was ever an issue involving them and all problems were down to relationship probs between bro an sil which i only have their word on.

Maybe counselling alone is the better option, i have emailed a few places re our situation and asked if they think we used come together or not so i'll see what they say.

I cant afford to not work. I work 3 days for my mum and 2 of those days she babysits. If i cut her out and stop working for her and using her as childcare I only have one day covered and really dont think I can afford to pay for nursery. And it would also be dependent on me finding another job, again i'd have to rely on a reference from my mum for. We have gone through a lot of options including emigrating, moving city etc. When i finsh my course i can go self employed which will give me more flexibility.

We have cut down all social meet ups and dinners which is the main thing she tries to make me feel guilty for. I can just see it building up and I get to the point the night before i'm next working with her or have to see her i'm almost having a panic attack as i worry what shes going to take offence on or get upset by.

My DH has been a good listener though that has resulted in him being furious with the way shes treated me so he hasnt seen her at all for the last 3 months. Which I'm kind of jealous of.

I do like the sound of a glass barrier to distance myself.

Do you still see your mum raspberry?

Have they done blood/other tests to see if there is an underlying problem causing/contributing to her low mood and paranoia? It is common for women to get low thyroid around menopause, that should always be excluded whenever some presents with depression before Meds are prescribed because some; Sertraline increase the need for thyroxine and make the problem worse.

You know, what helped me when I was very depressed was my family being supportive but also quite clear and having very strong boundaries. If I was out of line they said so.

Pandering to depressed people (as your father wants you to do) by never challenging their beliefs and perceptions and doing everything they say is much more likely to make them worse than better. So I think you can afford to be quite firm with your mother without feeling guilty.

And you have to look after yourself too. Don't take on your mother's feelings or let her make you feel guilty, if you know you're doing the right thing. It doesn't sound as though she or your father are offering much in the way of compromise, e.g. the restaurant thing. Most involved grandparents I know would naturally change arrangements (e.g. to lunch or tea meets, or earlier evening meals) once grandchildren came along. It is quite odd not to make any accommodation when babies come along then complain about contact. Offer contact that suits you, and when you know you've been fair and done enough, let the guilt-tripping go in one ear and out the other.