Feeling guilty about not wanting to emigrate with DH

[Regbooboo]

I met my DH in Cuba while on holiday - me from London and DH from Quebec. We have been married for 9 years but he hates living in the UK. He is always comparing the lifestyle we could have in Quebec to the one we have here. He also hates his job. He was a French university lecturer in Quebec but now has a mundane office job that doesn't push him at all (French speaking office). He has tried teaching here but says English kids are too hard to handle and teachers here aren't given enough authority to punish kids if necessary (to be fair he has been physically attacked twice while teaching here). We live in a very built up area which is pretty rough. He says there is no space and he always feels on edge when out in the evenings. He says our life together in Canada would be relatively stress free (we have already bought a small house in Quebec in the country which his Mum rents so pays the mortgage). We have no children together (I have a daughter in her mid-thirties and a son in his late twenties and a darling grandson of 14 weeks). I know my "kids" wouldn't be keen on me emigrating (and my DD has never liked my DH). I have told him in the past that I may consider going one day but have recently told him that I'll probably never want to go. Various reasons ... DD, DS and grandson, health concerns, complete change of lifestyle and all his family, friends and 95% of the town are French speaking (which I'm not). My DH keeps saying I may change my mind in a couple of years but that he will definitely be returning to Quebec at some point in the next 2-3 years as he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life here and also financially as he will need to sort out a Canadian pension as he will not be entitled to one in the UK).

My husband is 40 and I am 55 and I don't want him hanging around (wasting his time in a place he hates) waiting for me to change my mind. I do feel guilty as he looks so sad at times. Do you think I should just tell him to go now and get on with his life or just let him stay until he can take it no longer? Sorry for long post but I have no-one to discuss this with and am feeling very low.

He has spent 9 years in the uk. Could you not go to Canada and try it for a year or so, to give your marriage a chance? Otherwise it sounds as though he is going to go without you and that will be curtains for you, no? Unless of course you've already decided that the relationship is over, in which case, perhaps kinder to let him go now?
Sorry, it sounds awful for you, but if he is so unhappy, I can understand him wanting to leave. Is there nothing about living in Canada that appeals to you? Leaving your kids/grand kids would be a wrench, but if you stay for their sake, will you be living your life through them, rather than having a life of your own?

It is such a sad and difficult predicament to be in. But, if you really want me to be honest, you have to let him go.

His love for you must be so strong though to have kept him here for so long and endure the unhappiness in his job.

Would you not at least try learning to speak French as a hobby and then give it 6-12 months out there to see how you get on?

How do you feel about living without him? Your post is all about him hating living here, but not about your feelings. Other than guilt at keeping him in UK.

Could you spend the term time in Canada, and the holidays in UK?

It is very tricky, because reluctant expats are usually the ones who return home within a year or so. You would really have to commit to giving it your best shot if you were to go.

Would options to try include changing some of your circumstances here in the UK? You highlight lots of issues that make him unhappy....his job, where you live.....I can sympathise with him comparing this to the life he imagines in Canada. Before you change your lives drastically, can you maybe move and seek alternative work?

Ultimately, from my perspective, it comes down to if you want to preserve your marriage...do you love each other enough to find a solution?

Was the plan to always end up living there? was it something he made clear on your marriage and you agreed too?

If it was then i really think that you owe it to him and your marriage to try, as you always knew he would want to do this and married him on the understanding that you would. If the plan was to live in the UK and visit Canada and then he changed his mind, well I think that you have to let him go.

do you love each other enough to find a solution?

Good question because from the OP I am not getting the feeling that she does. It seems that they either stay here as they are or they split up. I would be fighting harder if I truly loved him, and would try and find a compromise if I could.

Do not go to Quebec. Your marriage is very shaky and your H is a miserable sad sack who will not improve magically once he returns. You don't love him enough to make the huge change that life in Quebec would be.

You will be 65 in ten years and you will have a lot of retirement time on your hands. Unless you learn French, get to love snow and freezing winters and a different way of life then you will be sunk. I have a friend who is Russian, speaks little or no English, doesn't drive -- she used to be a university lecturer in Russian lit back in the USSR. Her DH speaks enough English to hold down a good job in IT and he is gone all day at work. Her two grown daughters are both married, professionals, have children and nannies - my friend has only her children, the grandchildren and a few people like me who can provide a bit of conversation now and then. She would far prefer to have stayed in Russia but during the Yeltsin years it wasn't at all clear that there would be much of a quality of life for the family there and she had reluctantly agreed to go. She and her H have a lovely relationship; they were childhood sweethearts - the sort of people who die within a month of each other. Without that strong bond they would not have made it this far.

The best compromise destination would be western France if you and he could get jobs there. However, he needs to address his basic unhappiness first.

Why didn't he stay in academia?

your H is a miserable sad sack

Thats a bit harsh. There have been many posts on here about women who are unhappy in their OH's home country who are advised to come home with or without him, or atleast giving an ultimatum.

Did you ever promise him you'd go with him? I think you owe it him to try if you truly love him but if deep down you don't want to, you owe it to him to be honest that you cannot go.

Continuing this way isn't fair on anyone.

He complains a lot. The mundane office job doesn't push him (I wonder if that is his statement there or RegBooBoo's). English children are unmanageable, the area is rough and built up. It seems to me all of this is a step down for him from university lecturer in Canada. Unless he has plans to return to some fabulous job in Quebec he will be basically starting up all over again there, and from what Reg says this is someone who seems to be in search of elusive happiness, beginning with a holiday in Cuba (nothing is as different from Cuba as Quebec) marriage to someone he met on a holiday and moving to another country - a move that involved ditching his career in academia and trying his hand at jobs that are not at all of the same status, or related much to each other. He comes across to me as a basically unsatisfied and unhappy person. Sad sack is a bit harsh though, I'll admit that. However, I don't think the change of scenery will make him happy. He left Quebec for Cuba and then for England..

Thats a bit of a stretch!

He was on holiday! Can people not go on holiday unless they are searching for some unattainable happiness?

Have you thought about a third country, closer to home but with less of a grim situation in terms of his career? South of France maybe?

It's really hard work starting over in new country, you need to build an entire social circle from scratch, learn the language, find a job... on top of everything else. And if you are particularly close to your family that support network vanishing is quite upsetting. I really miss my school/uni/work/postnatal group friends. The friends I'm making now are more acquaintances than anything else. It's isolating and my DH is the only "true" friend I have here at the moment.

But your DH has been in the UK for 9 years and he's still not settled so it's not going to happen. I can see both sides of this, there's no easy answer.

If you really have no intention of going then you need to tell DH now and talk it through.

In my book a 'sad sack' is someone who sits on their arse and does bugger all to improve their lot in life.

Obviously, your dh once had some get and go to the extent he went on holiday to Cuba where you met and he was smitten willing to forego his career in academia in order to move to the UK to be with you.

I'm guessing this came about because you weren't willing to go live with him in Canada even though your dc were adults at the time of your marriage.

After 9 years of UK living, he's had enough and I for one don't blame him.

Frankly, Reg, you sound as if you've got one foot in the grave, sinking into premature old age whle waiting for the inevitable.

I get that you've got a new dgs and most probably you'll have more in the future, but you can be a much loved dgm who Skypes at least once a week and flies in a couple of times a year to spoil her dgcs to pieces.

Why not give Montreal a whirl for a couple of years? It's a vibrant city, French isn't a particulary difficult language to acquire, and if you relocate south of Montreal towards the Vermont border you'll find no shortage of solely English speakers.

If you don't feel that you can raise your game and support your dh in re-establishing his career in the country of his birth, let him go now with your blessing.

Alternatively, you could encourage your dh to look for a teaching post in the private education system where there tends to be greater emphasis placed on orderly conduct, or consider relocating to France,

However, this may not resolve the question of his future pension entitlement and I get the feeling that you're unwilling to consider any move from your present location. If this is the case, you are best advised to set him free before he begins to resent you.

I have been living in Australia for over three years now. There's nothing wrong with it but it's not my home and it's not where I want to be. It's very wearing being an immigrant.

I love my dh very much, he is great, but I won't live here forever to be with him and I have said to him just what your dh has said to you. I will be going home in the next couple of years. Our marriage is not shaky and neither of us are twats. Or losers. We are just in an impossible situation. It's like when one of you wants a baby and the other one doesn't.

I think if you are sure that you don't want to do it, you need to leave him so he can go home.

How much are you involved in your DCs and grandchild's life on a weekly or monthly basis? If you see them once a week, do a lot of babysittting etc then I can understand you not wanting to leave.

If, however, you see them more like once every couple of months, why not try a relocation? Canada is lovely and the East Coast isn't far from the UK. Could you compromise and say that you'll go but you want to come back to the UK for trips 3-4 times a year, plus one longer trip?

French is quite easy to pick up and that area of Canada is particularly nice.

If you never try, you might always wonder what it would have been like. You're only 55, you've still got years and years of fun and active life ahead of you.

Could you not compromise and go somewhere nearer but still with the kind of vibe he needs. France? Your kids could still see you every month or so.

Believe me, as someone whose mother had a long distance intercontinental relationship with grandchildren for many, many years, skype is not the same, not for the grandparent and not for the grandchildren. And speaking personally from my own immigrant experience in N America, settling in is difficult enough when you speak the language.

Getting a job in Montreal would not be a stroll in the park for a 55 year old foreigner who doesn't speak French. I think Reg would find herself very isolated. Scenery wears thin when it's all you have.

I don't see this man doing much to improve his lot in life. I see someone who likes to whine and who thinks the grass is greener elsewhere.

Well you could move to a beautiful part of the UK. Or you could move to an english and french speaking part of Canada.

Life doesn't sound much fun for him at present. I would have a look at other places in Britain first.

Obviously money might be an issue but why are you choosing to live in such a dump?

Scenery wears thin when it's all you have. Amen to that.

Some people find it easier to adapt and settle into a new country than others. If your dh hasn't yet, he probably won't. Have you tried it? You may find that some of the relationship dynamics really change when you switch roles from home country to migrant. If you have enough financial security to give it a go, I would recommend trying it. Are you at a stage in life where you have more freedom? If you are tied down by child care or paying off a mortgage or caring for elderly parents, you don't have the freedom to try it. If you are not, then embrace life!

Could you try moving out of grim area into lovely one? Could he get a different job? I can understand his feeling homesick but if you really aren't going to go it might be worth trying a few changes here first.

He has given the UK almost a decade of a try. If you want to be with him you could at least give Canada a go.

Couldn't you just try Canada for a couple of years? Something needs to give- either:

1. You try going with him.

2.you tell him you are never going, so he needs to go back alone 3 You tell him you will try but want anEnglish speaking part. 4 You move to a part of UK that he likes.

I think if you say 'can we try another part of the UK?' he'll be furious TBH. He's said from the beginning he doesn't want to live in the UK. It won't matter what part, he's not happy there.

Either go with him, or set him free to go alone.