Feeling guilty about not wanting to emigrate with DH

[Regbooboo]

I met my DH in Cuba while on holiday - me from London and DH from Quebec. We have been married for 9 years but he hates living in the UK. He is always comparing the lifestyle we could have in Quebec to the one we have here. He also hates his job. He was a French university lecturer in Quebec but now has a mundane office job that doesn't push him at all (French speaking office). He has tried teaching here but says English kids are too hard to handle and teachers here aren't given enough authority to punish kids if necessary (to be fair he has been physically attacked twice while teaching here). We live in a very built up area which is pretty rough. He says there is no space and he always feels on edge when out in the evenings. He says our life together in Canada would be relatively stress free (we have already bought a small house in Quebec in the country which his Mum rents so pays the mortgage). We have no children together (I have a daughter in her mid-thirties and a son in his late twenties and a darling grandson of 14 weeks). I know my "kids" wouldn't be keen on me emigrating (and my DD has never liked my DH). I have told him in the past that I may consider going one day but have recently told him that I'll probably never want to go. Various reasons ... DD, DS and grandson, health concerns, complete change of lifestyle and all his family, friends and 95% of the town are French speaking (which I'm not). My DH keeps saying I may change my mind in a couple of years but that he will definitely be returning to Quebec at some point in the next 2-3 years as he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life here and also financially as he will need to sort out a Canadian pension as he will not be entitled to one in the UK).

My husband is 40 and I am 55 and I don't want him hanging around (wasting his time in a place he hates) waiting for me to change my mind. I do feel guilty as he looks so sad at times. Do you think I should just tell him to go now and get on with his life or just let him stay until he can take it no longer? Sorry for long post but I have no-one to discuss this with and am feeling very low.

Just let him go now. No point delaying the inevitable. It will hurt for a bit bit you have no kids together so can rebuild your lives easily enough.
He has a point with kids in this country.

i think you should give Canada a go. Then if you don't like it come back without him. I know of several British people who own second homes in Canada and they plan on emigrating there as they love it.
If you really can't face that then let him go now. Its not fair on him.

I feel bad for your DH, it sounds like you have made up your mind and are ready for a divorce.

I'd jump at the chance to move to Canada!
My mum up sticks & moved to a village in the middle of France a few years ago & has never been happier. She has picked up French really easily, has a wide circle of both French & ex pat friends. We speak on the phone most days & she sees my son 3-4 times a year. We Skype the rest of the time.

It just seems you're totally closed minded about even trying Quebec & the choices are he stays & is miserable or you split up. Only you can decide if you love him enough to give it a go. If it were me I'd agree to try it for a year say rather than get divorced.

55 isn't old imo and 14 week old GC will be busy with school etc before you know it, unless you are planning to be the CMinder on a regular basis, and then might not be desperate to spend time with DG. You could go to Canada for 20 years and still return and do your bit as the doting Grandma.

My 20 year+ old DCs would me most put out if I cleared off abroad but partly because they couldn't come and slob about at my expense visit once in a while.

Did you make it clear from the outset he'd be doing all the sacrificing and compromising or did you spring it on him when he was already stuck here op?

Actually OP, your life does sound like hell to me too so no suprise your husband is struggling. Canada is beyond beautiful and the people are very lovely. Having to live in a shitty, rough area and go to the same shitty job day in and day out because your partner won't even consider moving (and have you even been to Canada, for a holiday?) sounds beyond awful. Jesus, I would be slitting my wrists if that was my life.

You need to tell him straight you don't love him enough to try living in Canada, so that he can move and get some kind of a life back for himself.

I don't think there's much mileage in going to a different part of Canada, is there? If I told DH I wanted to go back home to the UK, I wouldn't be moving to a far different part of the country from where we lived before, because where we lived before is where my family are. Similarly, when we moved over to Australia, there wasn't any point in moving 100s of miles away from where DH's mother lives, the main reason for coming here was to be near her.

I have a lot of sympathy with the OP - leaving family is hard, especially where young ones are involved (we emigrated with a 20mo DS, took him away from his grandpa, aunt and cousins) and making new friends isn't necessarily easy, although I had DS to help me socialise (playgroups). Work isn't easy to find when you're older - and 55 isn't old but it's not a good age to be looking for work!

I don't know OP - I think in your position I'd let him go, offer to go and stay with him for maybe 3m at a time (if you can afford to) and see how it's going after a year - make a more concrete decision then?

If you feel that there is no way that you would want to go, then tell him now. He can then decide whether he wants to stay here with you for a few years, or make the break now.

But it's not fair to withhold that information. He needs it. You've already said "probably never", but that isn't final enough. He needs to know never never

I don't think there's much mileage in going to a different part of Canada, is there?

I just thought that Canada is slightly difficult because of the language. If I emigrated I would want an English speaking part.

How come your DD doesn't like him?

No, I understand that POV, exotic - just not sure it would work for the OP's DH.

Maybe not - but worth thinking about and discussing.