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Original poster

Dating a woman in the closet

29 replies

paula900 · 13/08/2012 20:45

I have been seeing a woman for 3 months now and we are getting on really well and i know she is not out to her friends, Mum and Dad. Do you think you can have a strong healthy relationship with someone who is not out but you are?

OP posts:
Flosie1989 · 13/08/2012 22:02

Hiya.

I'm afraid I don't have much experience here although I do have several gay/lesbian friends all with partners.

Do you think she has much intention to come out to her friends and family? If she does then she may just need your support and time as I'm sure it's a very nerve wracking thing!

If she doesn't want to come out for other reasons and really has no intention to then I would probably move on. I'm sure having a secret relationship wouldn't get either of you anywhere and would put pressure on you both. You're both in a new relationship and should be beaming! Grin

OhNoMyFoot · 13/08/2012 22:06

I always think this must be like having an affair with someone who is married.

Does she want to come out?

TDada · 13/08/2012 22:17

Take it slowly I think

Original poster
paula900 · 14/08/2012 10:40

I don't think she wants to come out at all. Her parents don't know so that puts pressure on me and i know for certain i could not deal with being referred to as 'friend'. I have been through coming out period and don't want to do it again. I am a lot younger than her, me am 31 and she is 49. I don't see the need to meet her family or friends but neither do i want a secret relationship.

OP posts:
PrettyAnaphase · 14/08/2012 10:44

I think that's a personal choice as to whether or not you could put up with it. I know some people who have put up with it for a certain length of time, in those cases it has put some strain on the relationship but they have not broken up because of it.
Ultimately it's her life, you can't try to get her to do something she doesn't want to do. Personally I would take each person on an individual basis, and decide whether or not I could live with it. I would certainly not be thrilled about it though.

Original poster
paula900 · 14/08/2012 10:47

I know for a fact i could NOT live with it. However if she intended to come out that would be entirely different and would help her but to never come out then that would be a deal breaker for me and would leave.

OP posts:
confusedgypsychick · 14/08/2012 10:48

If she wasn't close to her family, than perhaps yes, you could. But if she's not out with her friends? You would be constantly living a lie.

If she has no intentions of coming out, then I would say no, not much chance of a solid relationship.

Original poster
paula900 · 14/08/2012 10:52

Im only out to my parents and friends. Extended family don't know about me then again i don't like them lol Past relationships i have met the other halfs parents and family and hit it off. Makes life so much easier and i for one can't pretend something im not. I know being gay/lesbian is not easy but life isn't even if your straight but you can't live a lie can you.

OP posts:
confusedgypsychick · 14/08/2012 10:58

My DB isn't out to extended family, and I don't expect he ever will. Most of them wouldn't accept and he knows it, and since he doesn't spend much time with them (perhaps see's them every few years) it's not an issue.

However, before he came out to me and my DM & DD (last year, when he was 28), he told me was never really able to maintain a relationship because it was never a "real" relationship, because by definition a real relationship is one he would introduce to his family.

And I know that before he came out with his friends he didn't even casually date anyone because...well what are you going to do besides hang out with each other? Relationships like that can't last very long. Eventually you need to move past just seeing each other.

Anyhoo, his current DP is the one who made him finally bite the bullet and tell our parents, because he was sick of living a lie with him.

Original poster
paula900 · 14/08/2012 11:00

What does db mean? dear brother?

OP posts:
confusedgypsychick · 14/08/2012 11:29

Yup :)

DM is Dear Mother, DD is Dear Dad and DP is Dear Partner.

Flosie1989 · 14/08/2012 11:56

Have you put the question to her?

Gay40 · 14/08/2012 14:29

It will, eventually, drive you mad and you'll regret the wasted years. Sorry to be so negative, but further down the line when you are not acknowledged, it will damage your self-esteem and erode the feelings you have for her.

When her family and friends start matching her up with blokes while you are sat there, you'll realise what a price you are paying (it's too high for your self-worth)

I'm not saying everyone has to burst out of the closet, but I would move on and let her do the same.

Original poster
paula900 · 14/08/2012 17:59

@ Flosie1989 i am going to see her this week and ask her if she intends to come out to her family. @Gay40 do you have personal experience of this? I am sure that if her family and friends love her then they will accept her no matter what. To be honest if they can't then are they really that important? The way i look at it is life is way too short to worry about other people's approval. My parents and close friends are fine with me but if they weren't then that would be their problem. One cannot live their life for another person can they.

OP posts:
ickywickyyicky · 14/08/2012 20:17

I have had alot of friends who I knew before they came out. Often one bad experience was enough to put them off - often they thought they might be judged by stereotypes.

The only one that made me really sad was because they were worried that I would have a problem with it - I wasn't sad they were gay - but I was very sad that they could think that their friends might have a problem with it. I couldn't give a toss who any of my friends are dating (including if the bf or gf in question doesn't like me or my DH) as long as my friend is happy.

I think hiding things puts a toll on you - and to my knowledge they are happier than before they came out - simply because they are not trying to conceal any clues IYSWIM. They were also shocked that some of their immediate family had worked it out, and had taken the attitude that it was none of their business unless the person in question brought it up.

Hope that helps.

Gay40 · 14/08/2012 21:56

I have been the "friend" and I said never again. It's soul-destroying.

Original poster
paula900 · 14/08/2012 22:08

@ Gay40 i have been seeing this woman for 3 months so won't give up on her yet but i would like to know if she does intend to come out. I can't see how you can keep things like that secret for long especially from parents. I am just going to ask her and tell her not to refer me to 'friend' and just introduce me as Paula should i ever meet her parents or friends. Hope that works.

OP posts:
Original poster
paula900 · 16/08/2012 14:15

@Gay40 i saw my partner last night and we discussed about her being in the closet. She said that she is out with he close friends but she is NEVER going to tell her parents as she feels it would jeapardise what relationship she has with them. Her parents are both in their mid to late 70's. She says that her parents may already know but sees it as none of their business. I have told her though if and a big IF i met her parents she is not to introduce me as a friend but just my name. They can suss it out for themselves. She said that if people ask her about her sexuality she tells them to mind their own business which is what i do anyway. I guess i am looking for reassurance that this relationship can work as we have a lot in common and would like it to work.

OP posts:
Gay40 · 16/08/2012 19:39

I can only wish you good luck but I think heartbreak is on the horizon. After a few years you will be heartily sick of the situation.

likeatonneofbricks · 16/08/2012 20:26

Op, I think it's different with old parents of different generation - I could live with that! couldn't live with no one knowing, i.e. friends or younger relatives, but with parents it's hard if they aer old fashioned and judgemental. They don't have that long to live probably , why risk a fallout and possibly upset them towards the end of her daughters time with them? if parents were younger (at least 60) - that's different. Also depends how often she contacts them - more of a problem is very close, but I personally could live with that. If I end up with a woman, I couldn't tell my father, or my half sister, I just know he's narrow minded on many issue but as they live abroad, and i see them once a year it wouldn't bother anyone. Why would i want alienation from him though. You have to be sensitive to old parents' feelings too.

likeatonneofbricks · 16/08/2012 20:32

obviously if parents were horrid enough to issue ultimatums (either us of her/him) then I'd go with a partner (my mother definitely wouldn't do that).

HotTinRoof · 16/08/2012 20:43

If she's out with her friends, it will be a lot easier as it won't be completely secret. Having a relationship that your parents don't know about is viable and won't hurt your self-esteem. I agree with Gay40 - a completely secret relationship is soul-destroying and exhausting.

likeatonneofbricks · 16/08/2012 20:47

Hottin - but she is out with her close friends already. Doon't know why OP thinks parents aer more important than that, unless they are extremely close in everyday life.

chubbasmum · 16/08/2012 20:57

hi OP i think 3 months in my book is very good, get to know each other and the rest will follow i wouldnt push it she will do it in her own time its not as if its another woman. You should enjoy the thrill of enjoying your own little secret for the time being besides you are not hurting anyone. Good luck to both of you xx

motherinferior · 16/08/2012 21:01

I'm sorry, darling, but I think a woman of 49 (I'm 49!) who isn't out to her wider circle and/or parents isn't very likely to come out to them at all.

And late 70s...well, paint me pink and call me Sappho, there have been lesbians around for centuries Grin.