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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fall out from cheating boyfriend...

33 replies

wrinklyraisin · 13/08/2012 20:27

Long story short: my boyfriend cheated on me with a friend of ours, the weekend I moved in. I caught them out from his emails. I came this close to ending it but I love him, he cried, was remorseful, ended the friendship with her and promised me I was the one etc etc.

Fast forward 6 months. We are still together, very happily so. 99% of the time any way. I just have moments of suspicion/distrust and am wondering how to deal with it? He's not giving me any reason to be suspicious now. We have a good sex life, we communicate loads, I feel generally pretty good about "us". But there's always that niggle that just won't go away, thanks to him stupidly getting drunk and sleeping with this other woman twice. I want to close the book on it soooooo much. I want to believe he's totally committed to me. But he's "only" my boyfriend, and I feel like there's no security for me. He's living life all smiley and happy, he's moved on from what he did. Why can't I do the same thing?!?

OP posts:

Houseofplain · 13/08/2012 20:34

With all due respect you sound rather young, or needy, in the way you talk.

Why would you continue to move in someone, when you've found out they've cheated? Where's the consequences? The incentive to not do it again?

Are you suggesting only a boyfriend is not secure enough? You want marriage? A ring won't stop him falling amd tripping into other women when drunk. It will just cost you am awful lot of money.

RecklessRat · 13/08/2012 20:50

Of course he's all smiley and happy, he's had his cake and is eating it too.

What a tool.

You can't move on because you don't trust him because he cheated on you. If you put up with it, then that's how it's going to be for you.

You do seem to be implying marriage when you talk about wanting more commitment. That would be a huge mistake (even if he did want the same thing -and I suspect he won't!).

Mum2Fergus · 13/08/2012 21:06

Hmm because he's given you at least teo reasons to not move on from it...sorry OP, once a cheater, always a cheater. Do yourself a favour and get out while he's still only a boyfriend...cheaters cheat regardless of their status.

ImperialBlether · 13/08/2012 21:07

Don't you think his infidelity (particularly as it was twice) was a message to both of you that he isn't ready for a serious relationship?

Just because he cries, it doesn't mean he's going to be faithful.

Original poster

wrinklyraisin · 13/08/2012 21:42

I'm neither young nor needy. Just trying to figure out why I'm still in love and wanting a future with somebody who appears to want the same and yet they did something so so stupid. :(

OP posts:

Houseofplain · 13/08/2012 21:47

The clue is in your post they appeared to want the same. They don't.

By moving in straight away, you've given him the green light to carry on throughout your relationship, you know that right? So instead of going the other way. You reward him by moving in and giving each other an awesome sex life. Great if you want sex. But making a commitment to him the weekend he cheated? Asking for trouble.

I asked that question as it was the sooooooo and the fact you somehow think more commitment marriage will keep his dick in his trousers. It won't.

Houseofplain · 13/08/2012 21:49

Also the question of why you can't move on and he can. Well he shagged behind your back twice, you still moved in with him and give him great sex. Win, win for him.

Where as you, you never addressed it properly, took time to mull it over. You went head long into moving in with him at all costs.

Flosie1989 · 13/08/2012 21:53

I agree with the others here. You're better off without him.

Put it this way, life is way too short to be spending your time with a bloke who can't even be faithful. I assume you'd want to get married at some point?? Stop wasting your time with this loser and go find yourself a proper man. Your wasting time in your precious life hoping that he'll commit when he won't.

Best of luck to you

Original poster

wrinklyraisin · 13/08/2012 22:01

I've done nothing but talk/mull. We have talked about everything over and over. I don't want to talk any more. I found out 6 weeks after I moved in. I moved countries to be with him. So when he professed such remorse etc I chose to give him a second chance. I don't regret this. What I'm asking is: do those who've CHOSEN to stay in a relationship after infidelity, ever truly move past what happened?

Yes he cheated. He gave no good reason as there is no good reason. It's a calculated decision to stay. He's not evil or bad. He made a stupid decision. I feel our relationship is worth more than a brief silly fling. And we are happy. I am happy. I just have a distant weird feeling sometimes of suspicion. It's not unbearable or I would have left.

OP posts:

Houseofplain · 13/08/2012 22:03

You aren't happy. You didn't chose to stay with him, you had to really didn't you?

Yes people move on and can be happy. But unfortunately it does not sound like you've done any of the work necessary or spent any time apart to think, so no I don't think you'll ever be sure.

Flosie1989 · 13/08/2012 22:10

Sorry I misunderstood your initial post.

Original poster

wrinklyraisin · 13/08/2012 22:13

What work can we do other than talk candidly about what happened and both choose to move on? I seriously want to know? I mean, if he said he didn't want to be with me then fine I would leave and deal. But he has put so much work into "us" to help me heal, to help us get stronger. He wants marriage and kids. I did leave for a time. I went back. I have thought long and hard about what I want. I also believe that a silly mistake is NOT the same as a long term affair. We aren't married. We both want that to happen though and I am prepared for everyone to say Ditch the Tool. If I choose not to, what can I do to get over the cheating? Leaving him is not what I want. People move past this. I just need advise about how they cope with the emotions.

OP posts:

pollyontheshore · 13/08/2012 22:17

Don't want to be flamed as this seems to go against the general opinion but I have been in a very similar situation - boyfriend cheated on me in a drunken fling while away, just after we moved into our own place together. He told me about it as soon as he got back, we decided we wanted to stay together, did loads of talking, for months(!), and eventually moved on. It wasn't easy and I did have nagging suspicions for about a year but I was able to completely trust him eventually.

We got married last year (about 3 years after the fling), expecting first baby and couldn't be happier to honest! Actually, I'd forgotten how much the affair had affected me at the time until recently when we moved and I found my old diaries. I very rarely think about it now.

I'm not saying it's necessarily right for you but just to let you know it worked for us, but we put loads of effort into it and really talked about what we both wanted and needed from each other.

Good luck whatever you decide!

Original poster

wrinklyraisin · 13/08/2012 22:21

Thank you Polly! I need to hear from people who've been there and survived together and not just dumped the guy iyswim?

OP posts:

pollyontheshore · 13/08/2012 22:21

Just to add it was only really time and my (now) DH treating me fantastically and never giving me any reason to be suspicious that I began to trust him again. I know it's not easy!

MissyMessy · 13/08/2012 22:22

Clearly you have trust issues with him, but have sacrificed a lot to be with him. It's hard but I remember someone saying if you continue to pick a scab it won't heal.

Houseofplain · 13/08/2012 22:25

Well maybe start another thread? If people don't read the whole thing. Then your op is not suggesting that's the advice you are after. Which is why you got the responses you did.

RecklessRat · 13/08/2012 22:26

Why are you even thinking about marriage to a man you don't trust and are suspicious of? Who has cheated on you twice (two silly mistakes? Or as it was with the same woman, a short-term affair?) only 6 months ago?

Original poster

wrinklyraisin · 13/08/2012 22:29

I agree missy. I am picking at a scab that both of us want to be a distant memory.

He has done everything he can to treat me well. He's apologized and said words don't matter, at the end of the day it's up to him to prove he wants to be with me. He knows I'll leave if he does it again. He hasn't given me any cause to be suspicious. It's just that one stupid mistake he made shattered the implicit trust. I know I'll never have that feeling back. I'll settle for not wondering what if every now and then, that makes me feel so sad.

OP posts:

Original poster

wrinklyraisin · 13/08/2012 22:31

He had sexual contact with the same woman twice in one weekend. I know her and I also know she's adamant nothing else happened. She's no longer my friend. Nor his.

I think this thread is more of a brain dump than anything. I appreciate all replies no matter if I agree with them or not.

OP posts:

henrysmama2012 · 13/08/2012 22:36

Wrinkly raisin, I don't think there is an easy answer to this - at the time he cheated, he probably felt like he loved you and wanted commitment and the whole package but there is a massive difference between wanting commitment and being ready for it. So your boyfriend really wanted commitment as he asked you to move in with him but by that weekend he blatantly wasnt ready. You are best placed to know whether he is now much more ready for commitment AS WELL as being in love with you, or whether he still isn't ready for it (maybe this is a source of your recent suspicions?) so bottom line is, he loves you, cries if you threaten to leave, but those things are separate from his ability to commit. I'd keep your eyes open for sure-but maybe he has really learnt his lesson after almost leaving you when he cheated.

NervousAt20 · 13/08/2012 22:41

Sorry but I agree with house of pains on this one

RecklessRat · 13/08/2012 22:47

OP you asked originally why you couldn't move on and people have expressed their views.

But you don't actually want to hear this, you want to hear that everything's going to be alright, you can marry this cheating man who makes you feel suspicious and it'll all be happy ever after.

Sorry, but I don't think it will. He spent a whole weekend screwing someone else the weekend you moved in with him. He didn't admit to it, you found out by reading his emails. When eventually confronted he cried and you forgave him.

If he'd had the balls to be honest with you about what had happened you could at least take some comfort from that. But he didn't, did he?

No wonder you're suspicious of him.

Original poster

wrinklyraisin · 13/08/2012 22:51

I know reckless. If I turn my heart off, I would have left straight away for good. But I didn't and I haven't. And yes I do believe he's faithful now, and I am optimistic things will be ok. This might make me a fool. Probably it does.

OP posts:

RecklessRat · 13/08/2012 22:56

You've evidently decided to stay with him despite how you feel about it, so all I would say is that marriage will NOT make this situation better.

Good luck.

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