Fall out from cheating boyfriend...

[wrinklyraisin]

Long story short: my boyfriend cheated on me with a friend of ours, the weekend I moved in. I caught them out from his emails. I came this close to ending it but I love him, he cried, was remorseful, ended the friendship with her and promised me I was the one etc etc.

Fast forward 6 months. We are still together, very happily so. 99% of the time any way. I just have moments of suspicion/distrust and am wondering how to deal with it? He's not giving me any reason to be suspicious now. We have a good sex life, we communicate loads, I feel generally pretty good about "us". But there's always that niggle that just won't go away, thanks to him stupidly getting drunk and sleeping with this other woman twice. I want to close the book on it soooooo much. I want to believe he's totally committed to me. But he's "only" my boyfriend, and I feel like there's no security for me. He's living life all smiley and happy, he's moved on from what he did. Why can't I do the same thing?!?

Marriage won't secure anything; only time and honesty and plenty more good experiences will do that.

I don't agree with the 'once a cheater, always a cheater...' school of thought. Nice people can do stupid things; they learn from them and never repeat them.

Ok, well the standard advice is to make sure he listens to your fears - without giving you any of the old "Move on already" crap. Someone who loves you respects your feelings enough to care when you are hurt, and to help you feel more loved & secure. Another part of this is giving you any and all assurances you need. If you get nervy when he's out with friends, work out what will help - a phone call every hour? Not going out without you? He needs to do whatever it takes to prove you can trust him.

If he finds all this too much hassle - and it should be a hassle, tbh - then he isn't caring about you as much as you deserve to be cared for. Should that happen, get back on here and have your confidence built enough to dump him! If you want to keep posting while you work on your trust project, I'm sure Mumsnet will help you there, too :)

Thanks garlicnuts :)

The first few weeks after I found out, I questioned him, nagged him, bitched at him, etc etc etc about every little detail. I wanted to know his every move for a while. I had contact with the OW and her husband. Between the 4 of us we decided a course of action: zero contact between my OH and the OW, and her husband and I talked in private until we were satisfied we knew all the truth. This was good as it meant I felt I knew everything and I was happy the OW was suffering too. After all, she is married and ought to have known better too!!! Now, they're not a part of our lives at all, a huge relief. My OH and I haven't told anyone in his family except one sister, who was astounded that he did something so pathetic and stupid. I feel like I have been a royal painin his ass and rightly so, he deserved everything I could throw at him for what he did! However, now it feels like time to move on. I do trust him, generally. I have odd moments of doubt which is why I'm seeking advice. Rebuilding the trust is important to me, to him too. I see him working on it, being so considerate, patient when I waver, etc. I appreciate his efforts and just want to move on now and enjoy whats next iyswim without a black cloud over me.

That all sounds very good :) I agree with everyone who said it's nuts to put pressure on yourself to be 'over it'. It happened. You dealt with it, and deserve to be proud of the way you did, but that doesn't make it un-happen! In some ways, what you and your boyfriend now have is a new relationship: one where you know you can't trust him 100% (a mature attitude, imo) and he knows he can't take you for granted like an old teddy bear (equally wise, imo). With that in mind, much of what remains is about building that new relationship - doing stuff together, having real conversations, and so on. Wishing you well.

I meant to add a quote from a wise Mumsnetter on a recent thread: "You will never make a man the centre of your life again." Very grown-up and empowering, when you think about it :)

Yes yes, that's so true! He fell off his pedestal pretty damn fast. Now I see him as a flawed human who, despite his sins, I love. It might make me a fool to some people but honestly, I see people stand by their man for MUCH worse than a weekend fling. The emotions are difficult to deal with but my situation as a whole is not unpleasant or sad. I'm dealing with this to suit my own needs/wants and I know I risk getting hurt down the line. But don't we all?

As an aside I've been reading the Shirley Glass book and it is amazingly astute. I recognize both of us in it. Especially him though. Playing the rescuer to a damsel in distress. Their friendship went too far and she read it one way, he intended it another, then they got drunk one night and kissed etc. totally makes sense in a weird way. Not that this excuses him or her in any way. But to read it so well put is immensely helpful to me!

It sounds like you've talked, honestly, which is the key.

If you've decided to stay with him - that's your decision; ask the nay sayers here if they would recommend that any women who's ever had a stupid affair deserves immediately dumping?

I had an affair; I left my wife. She later found out, which was upsetting for her - but she's left me mentally many years before.

"Not just friends" is really good, isn't it, Wrinkly! Will DP read it, too?