I really don't have any strength left and I need to get rid - now

[OrangeClub]

I have lurked on here for a while but never dared to post. This weekend has been horrendous and I need to vent to people who don't know me.

I have been seeing this man on and off for nearly five years. He has done everything you can think of during this time. He was on around four different dating and sex sites and lied about this until he was blue in the face. He hated my friends and family and slagged them off constantly. He lied about everything and I mean everything. At Christmas last year something snapped and I ended it. During the following five months I just wanted him back. Stupid. But I thought that it was all my fault it had gone wrong and I was so lonely.

Anyway in May I contacted him and for three months it has been great. He has been great.

He moans and moans that I treat my friends better than him, that I don't include him in anything. Every single time he has met my friends he has kicked off and caused a row and then stormed off. For about two years he didn't see them at all because of his moods.

So this Saturday we went to my friends party. She had a similar party four years ago and he kicked off at that party and stormed off home. He did exactly the same at this one. He did not contact me at all yesterday and this morning I got a text with seven things on that I had done 'wrong'. All of these things were trivial. For example I am taking Champix to quit smoking. I had said to him that I wouldn't be telling anyone about me quitting so I put less pressure on myself. At the party I told one of my friends. This apparently was wrong.

I have just had a twenty minute conversation with him and I feel like my brain is filled with glue. At the party he told me that he was on Facebook under another name but that it was fuck all to do with me what he did. I reminded him of this during the telephone call and he denied ever saying it.

Why on earth do I feel so miserable when I am not with him? My brain tells me that he is an arse and I know he is. But I just can't seem to say fuck off and mean it.

You feel miserable when you're not with him. And yet you clearly feel miserable when you're with him.

Perhaps you're feeling miserable full stop? Have you stopped to really think about yourself outside the context of this toxic mess of a "relationship"?

Why is your self-esteem so low? Why are you letting yourself be treated so appallingly by this awful, awful man?

Why do you feel lonely and miserable when your not with him?

Probably because he is successfully convincing you that your in the wrong. Your not. He is and he is a bullying arsehole.

Seriously dump this prick. Enjoy your friends and family. Lick your wounds and concentrate on your self esteem. Sounds like he's destroying it.

5 years is a long time to be with someone, you will miss them even if that person is a knob. You will get over it though.

It's hard to explain without sounding like a complete idiot. I feel shit about myself. I always have. On Saturday after he had gone I just sat there with all of my friends around me and I just kept saying 'What's wrong with me?' They were all saying it's not you it's him and I know they are right in my head but I still feel shit.

When I met this man I thought he was my soul mate. He liked everything I liked, we had so much in common and he was wonderful with my little boy. Then when it started to go wrong I thought it must be me. I tried doing things so as not to upset him but then the rules would suddenly change.

People I know are amazed I am putting up with this shit. For years and even when I was with him I went out with my friends and their respective boyfriends and husbands and I was always, always the gooseberry. Even when I am with people I feel completely alone if that makes sense. I just wanted someone who cared about me and I thought him and me had this connection, even if it was crap sometimes.

I wonder if something happened to you before you met this dickhead, which convinced you that you aren't worth much if you're single. It might help to get yourself some counselling, as a way of seeing why you're stuck in such a destructive way of thinking.

Because you don't need this man, he's horrible and no good for you or anyone else.

Sounds like my ex-boyfriend. I had such low self esteem I thought this was as good as it gets and it was a very emotionally abusive relationship.
Leave, leave, leave - i did and 2 months later met my absolute soul mate.

This man does not care about you - he has shown you no respect.

Good luck OP.

"I feel like my brain is filled with glue".

For years I've tried to describe that feeling when you are being mentally abused and twisted around. I know that feeling very well .

You've had good advice but I would like to add that glue like feeling ended up leading to a nervous breakdown for me because there is only so much rationalising and understanding and boundary loosening you can do before you lose yourself. I think you should get out of this fast.

Solid - Yes I think you're right. I am sure that having a father that was married three times, had six children, was a drinker and a bit of an all round womaniser who then died when I was 14 may have got something to do with my shite choice in men!

However I can't make excuses for my own choices now. I feel like I have absolutely no self respect left. I can have simultaneous conversations. One in my head which is telling me to put the phone down on the self righteous prick and another one which convinces me that I can talk him round and then the actual conversation I am having with him, where he is twisting everything that I say.

I get the impression that he actually hates me. He picks apart everything I say and do and he finds me lacking. Then he says I am the love of his life. How does that work? It goes from massive highs where I am so happy to the worst feeling in the world and this can happen in a couple of hours, depending on what mood he is in.

And by the way, thank you, to all of you. I can't talk about this to anyone else. I just end up crying

Love, please park this abuser where he needs to be

in the past

You can do it.

I should. I know I should. He is killing me. Not in a physical way but mentally.

Apparently all of his friends hate me and that's why I am never invited to do anything with his friends. He says that my friends are boring and he couldn't think of anything worse than spending time with them.

According to him I am selfish and only think about myself. Not him.

I remember saying that to my Mum. "He hates me Mum, he just hates me". I knew he hated me, my Husband the man who is supposed to love me but I still didn't leave him. What's that all about?

Please get out of this op. I know it seems impossible but it really isn't. It will make you ill in the end .

orange it does sound to me like getting some counselling would help you. Have you ever talked to your GP about how you're feeling?

You must get this appalling man out of your life.

Yes, you CAN do it.

It's a cliche, but it sums up your situation

it's not you, it's him

never has a saying been so fitting

Next time you are having one of your twisty abusive conversations just say "oh fuck off" and put the phone down/walk out. You can do it I promise. You sound like me three years ago. Everything you are saying is resonating with me . I got out of it and so can you.

aka - that's the stupid thing though. At least you have the excuse that you were married. I don't even live with this twat. We have no kids together and no financial ties. On a purely logical basis I can get rid very very easily. And it is making me ill.

I said to my mum the other week, who will want me? And she was shocked that I felt that way. But I do feel that way. I have spent my whole life feeling second best. I look at couples and I think it would be wonderful to be loved but I have never had that. Ever.

I know this all sounds pathetic and I know that it is pathetic. I think that part of the problem is that I have always felt alone. Then I meet this wonderful man. And for once I feel part of life. Then it goes badly wrong and I keep trying to get it back to what it was when I first met him. Ridiculous.

Yes I have been to my GP before. He offered me tablets to make me feel better. I can't afford to pay for counselling as I am a single parent on a low wage.

I have put the phone down on him loads of times. He never, ever calls me back or apologies. I always phone him. I think that is the hardest thing to get my head round. To me, if you love someone and you upset them you make an effort to contact them to sort things out. He never, ever contacts me when we argue. Never.

I know that I mean absolutely nothing to him. That's really hard to say, even to type. I have spent five years on someone who doesn't care whether I contact them or not. He says he loves me. It's just words though because I wouldn't treat anyone like that.

But that's how he sucked you in. He liked what you liked, he was perfect, nice to your child and now you're in he is showing the real him. It won't go back to that because that wasn't real. You need a book by Lundy Bancroft called inside the mind of the angry and controlling man. This man is in there.

No kids, not married, you can be gone. You never have to listen to a moment if his toxic shit again. You have been loved by the way, with real love from your family and friends. You are searching for the Happy Ever After soulmate myth and it doesn't exist. solidgoldbrass needs to come back and explain all this to you, she is far better at it than I am .

I cannot tell you how much I understand what you are going through. But the only way is OUT.

he isn't wonderful

he never was

the face he showed you at the beginning was to reel you in

since then, he has systematically knocked your already shaky self-esteem and attempted to isolate you from friends and family

he targeted you, love, that's what these men do

it doesn't mean you are a victim though, far from it

you stayed away from him before, you can do it again

do it, and keep doing it until a lot of time has passed by

enagage the help of those lovely-sounding friends of yours

get some counselling, look into the Freedom Programme, speak to Woman's Aid

just because he didn't punch you in the face, doesn't mean he hasn't abused you

there is support for you....but you have to reach out and accept it

this man is the last person in the world you should turn to now

Yes I know what you are saying. And I read the Lundy Bancroft book so many times it's falling to bits! This isn't about him really. It's about how I let him treat me, because he can, because he knows how low I am now.

The thing is I don't want a boyfriend for having a boyfriends sake if you know what I mean. I want him to be the man I thought he was. I also know that it is never going to happen.

If I never contacted him again, to him, it would be the equivalent of swatting a fly. He feels nothing for me. And that is really, really hard to get my head around. Because if I am such a bad person why has he wasted five years of his life on me?

It's not because you're a bad person, it's because he's a bad person. He enjoys hurting and upsetting you. Some men just get their kicks from abusing women, and he's one of them.

AF - my friends are amazing, the best. If they knew how upset I was and how depressed they would be mortified. I don't let anyone know how I feel. Ever. I can't just sit and cry in front of them. I don't know why, I just can't.

I know that this has to be over. If I don't contact him then he won't contact me. That I know for a fact.

Hi Orange

To be honest in counsellor speak, it sounds like you have abandonement issues, because of your Dad, it has a knock on effect all through your life, unless explored and aired.

Please do go back to the docs, tablets wont help in the long term, they have a waiting list somewhere for people needing counselling, either that or contact any of you local mental health charities such as mind, if you are under 25/26 then contact the local YMCA and they might be able to set you up with a trainee counsellor such as myself.

It can get worse before it gets better, as a lot can come out in counselling that you werent expecting. But please do try, this counselling is normally free
if you want to pm me your county or town I am happy to look up something local to you if I can.

Solid- I think he does. He actually laughs at me when I cry in front of him, which I think has happened four times in five years. He shouts over me. When I ask him a direct question he never answers it. He never tells me I look nice. He will spend hours on end picking apart every time I have apparently done something to upset him. But when we talk about the past and things he has done to me, apparently I am just raking up the past.

God. He is a nightmare. Just writing this stuff down is making me feel a bit better.

Guilty- Yes I am sure that you are right about that. I am in Nottingham. And unfortunately I am 38, so old enough to know better really!

Counselling/therapy should be available to you free or very reduced in price please ask your GP for an urgent referral. SIL just paid a £5 contribution for hers as a single parent on a low income etc.

Anti-depressents can help in the short term lift your mood enough to get through the weeks whilst therapy does the long term work. Your local woman's aid may help you with a list of charitable counselling organisations.