I really don't have any strength left and I need to get rid - now

[OrangeClub]

I have lurked on here for a while but never dared to post. This weekend has been horrendous and I need to vent to people who don't know me.

I have been seeing this man on and off for nearly five years. He has done everything you can think of during this time. He was on around four different dating and sex sites and lied about this until he was blue in the face. He hated my friends and family and slagged them off constantly. He lied about everything and I mean everything. At Christmas last year something snapped and I ended it. During the following five months I just wanted him back. Stupid. But I thought that it was all my fault it had gone wrong and I was so lonely.

Anyway in May I contacted him and for three months it has been great. He has been great.

He moans and moans that I treat my friends better than him, that I don't include him in anything. Every single time he has met my friends he has kicked off and caused a row and then stormed off. For about two years he didn't see them at all because of his moods.

So this Saturday we went to my friends party. She had a similar party four years ago and he kicked off at that party and stormed off home. He did exactly the same at this one. He did not contact me at all yesterday and this morning I got a text with seven things on that I had done 'wrong'. All of these things were trivial. For example I am taking Champix to quit smoking. I had said to him that I wouldn't be telling anyone about me quitting so I put less pressure on myself. At the party I told one of my friends. This apparently was wrong.

I have just had a twenty minute conversation with him and I feel like my brain is filled with glue. At the party he told me that he was on Facebook under another name but that it was fuck all to do with me what he did. I reminded him of this during the telephone call and he denied ever saying it.

Why on earth do I feel so miserable when I am not with him? My brain tells me that he is an arse and I know he is. But I just can't seem to say fuck off and mean it.

Oh hunni

Weve all been there, feck me I could write a book lol , I'll have a look round and come back to you.

www.cca-ltd.co.uk/about-cca/previous-projects/free-counselling-service/ Have a look at this site they are local and offer free counselling.

38 is young

you will meet someone else, a better person than him

it would be best to have a proper break from dating though, and do some work on yourself, so you don't get dragged into another horrible situation like this one

and talk to your friends girl

I bet they are dying to help you more. On this you must believe me.

I wish I could go back and not meet him. But it's not that easy. The six months I didn't talk to him at all was awful. I thought it would get easier. It didn't, it got worse. How fucked up is that?

You didn't wait long enough. Wait longer. Much longer. Or maybe this time it will be easier. You seem pretty clear how damaging he is to you.

www.clpnottingham.co.uk/resources.aspx?id=1499

both of these sites offer free counselling sessions with trainees such as myself who are working towards our diplomas, they wouldnt let us practice if we were'nt competent.

best of luck

Guilty - thank you. I will get some counselling, I know I need it.

AF - my friends are always trying to talk to me about it but I just can't seem to open up to them. I put on a front and pretend I am ok, which couldn't be further from the truth. I have made it very difficult for myself to show them just how unhappy I am. And as for dating, no chance. I never meet anyone anyway in my line of work and I rarely get out because of my son. So even if I wanted to (which I don't) I couldn't

even if you don't ever meet anyone else (which I doubt) having no relationship is better than this damaging one

I am not going to text him or phone him. I can't now anyway because I have deleted his number. I think it's just going to be very hard for the next few months. The week days will be ok. The weekends will be much harder. My friends are all in couples and I don't like to intrude. So most weekends I can go all weekend with no adult conversation at all. Which is quite hard sometimes.

Hi OC
Just wanted to say I know how you feel, been there etc. It is hard to detach, but please lean on your RL friends. You'll need them. they'll help you to stay strong. I'm sure they won't feel you're intruding. I feel very lonely at times too, it is horrible. Take care.

how old is your ds ?

do you have just the one child ?

Have you heard or read anything about codependency Orange? I think you might benefit from a Coda meeting (co-dependents anonymous). I completely identify with you and have, like aka, been in a very similar situation. Definitely have abandonment issues here!

• Or Al-Anon if there is no Coda in Nottingham. It is for people who have been affected by someone's drinking, but that can also include any addict or abuser and it will help you learn to look after yourself and detach from the person that you are having difficulties with.

Al-Anon is also for other stuff ?

I didn't know that

No I didn't know that either. My little boy is seven, eight in a couple of weeks. He is a superstar. But I don't think I am doing my best for him at the moment. I had actually gone to bed tonight when I had this horrible thought. All of the men in my life have hurt me badly, in one way or another. Not always abuse, as in this situation, but I have never had a positive male figure in my life. I suppose I have come to expect to be treated badly or indifferently by men and in some way, even if I am not aware of it, I must seek them out. I don't know. It's making my bloody brain hurt thinking about it.

Counselling will help you unravel those expectations

WRT you feeling so isolated and alone, are there any friendly mums from school that you could contact, just to go for a coffee or something ?

a neighbour to chat to ?

I don't mean to launch into all the heavy stuff with them, but to simply make a tentative start on widening your social life

he has made you feel unworthy of everybody and that is just not true

Anyway, thank you to everyone. I am going to try and sleep now.

all the best

and you know there is always someone here, don't you ?

Your posts are really full of insight, OC. If you are so clearly able to work out what's gone wrong in your past and in your approach to relationships, you will be able to work out what changes to make to start changing tack and stop the pattern you're in.

Counselling would speed up the process - it really is worth asking your GP to put you on the waiting list for counseling on the NHS if you can't afford private.

Good night.

Alon-anon is for people affected by alcoholism or someone else's drinking, but if it was a parent then the pattern is often repeated in our adult relationships -being attracted to unavailable or erratic people - so that could be an addict or an abuser of some sort. I went to Al-anon as a child of an alcoholic mother, but I was not living with her an infact she had joined AA and stopped drinking. One of the symptoms of the way I was affected was that I tend to get stuck in relationships with men who are addicts of one sort or another - work, sex, alcohol etc etc