Do i have anything to worry about or am i paranoid

[ihatefb]

Hello after a little advice. Im a regular poster but have namechanged.

I have been with DP for 2 and a half years and we are planning our wedding. I have dcs from another realtionship. Everything has been great and he gets ongreat with dcs. They have never been around another man and they adore him as do i. Anyway a few months ago he left his fb open on a page where he had messaged a girl. He knew her from childhood. He started off saying she looked hot in her pics and then went on to ask if she still sees his sister,what she does for a living etc.He then told her he was working away(which he was)and asked if she fancied meeting up.He said he would pay for drinks. Most of the meeting up messages were sent when i know for a fact he was drunk(no excuse just saying). Then in the sober morning he ended with a message i like what i see you like what you see lets meet up and see what happens. She never replied. I confronted him. Told him to leave. After promising it would never happen again and deleting most of the women of facebook as well asgenuinely trying hard at the relationship and talking it through we decided to stay together.

Anyway fast forward 3 months. I know his fb password. He has messaged two of his exes. One just saying hi hope you are ok and recovered(she had an accident)love to your family.No kisses. They were together 11 years. He also messaged one he was with 9 months hshe cheated and left him.He asked how she was and said nice to see you have a nice fella and glad to see you happy.He asked where she was living these days and he said good luck with that wouldnt fancy it there.Also asked what she does for a living now and how one of her friends is.No kisses she sent the last message and they havent spoken since so far.

Sorry for the long post.What are your thoughts please.

I couldn't help feel he was scouting for potential offers, given his history. Sorry.

I think that given what he did before, he should have cancelled his FB account. It (naturally) makes you neurotic. I would always check up if I thought something was going on, but I really couldn't live my life always checking. It must be so draining.

Well the messages are fairly innocuous. I suppose your trust must be really dented by what happened before, so you're bound to worry if he starts messaging people.

I think you should have counselling together before you marry, because there seem to be trust issues. Would you consider that?

MagicHouse Yes i would definitely consider that.

I want to ask him to delete his fb account but at the same time i then panic and think then i wont be able to check. But that is no way to live. I think if someone is going to cheat then they will no matter what.

I think that is a very valid point. If he wants to/is going to cheat, he will find a way. I really would not be planning a wedding at this point :(

I don't think the answer lies in you asking him to delete the account - like you say, that's not solving anything. I would put the wedding plans on hold too. Tell him you really want this to work. Say you looked at the FB account and saw his messages. Say you can just see they're just friendly, but you couldn't help worrying because of what happened before. Then you could ask him if he would have counselling with you, so you could get to the bottom of why you find it difficult to trust him.

My guess if he's planning or thinking of meeting anyone else he will be all aggressive or defensive and accuse you of being paranoid. If he loves you and wants this to work he will support the idea of counselling because you've explained it would help you.

PS - I always think gut instinct is a powerful thing - and something made you log into his account, so don't dismiss what you did as paranoia. Is anything else making you worry?

The only other thing making me worry is his lack of communication. He oten goes quiet and im a talker. I have also been very hurt in the past.

Why is he even contacting ex's? are there children involved? if not then there really is no need to keep in touch.

Why are you marrying a man you don't trust ?

Thats what i think why? Especially the one that cheated on him and he supposedly hates. No there are no children involved he doesnt have any.

Well if there are no children, there is no need to speak to ex's, they are ex's for a reason, i dont speak to any of mine.

I wouldn't marry this man, he sounds like a slimey cheat.

Sorry

Dont be sorry. Thats why i started the thread i wanted other peoples opinion.

Facebook is not the problem. A website can't make someone cheat.
The problem is that your partner is a cheat. Facebook or no Facebook.

Im pretty sure he hasnt cheated on me. We only ever socialise together amd speak on the phone all the time. I just don't understand why he messages girls yet will be the one paying for most of the wedding. Why commit to a wedding? Im so confused i don't want to make a big mistake. I really love him.

Does anyone think its just an ego thing or do you all think he is capable of cheating. If i had found out he had cheated i would leave no two ways about it. Its just that this is just meSsages and i dont know whether to leave over messages or if thats a huge over reaction.

I wouldn't be too worried about the last messages to his ex, but then again I wouldn't have to be as I would have left him after the first sex meet up message.

I would have kicked him into touch before now, sorry. I certainly wouldn't marry a man I had these sorts of worries about.

It will be much harder, and more wrenching, to leave a marriage if when he does it again

So you think i did the wrong thing in the first place? Imade the decision to give him another chance. Like i say im 99.9 per cent sure he hasnt done any actual cheating. I know some people forgive their partners for cheating.

If you are still so worried, then obviously he hasn't done what he needed to make you feel secure

"forgiveness" only works if the dodgy partner makes it clear they are trustworthy by their actions

do you think he has done this ? If you think he has, why are you here ?

If your partner is 'just' messaging women it is still a betrayal and massively disrespectful. Why would you be willing to accept that? You sound very thoughtful and reasonable, I hope you can see you are worth more than that.

I do appreciate all the advice. Im just having a hard tim at the moment and my head is all over the place . My ex Dp is trying to get access of our two dcs as i stopped access due to him constantly shouting at me in front of children and he was violent whist together but thats another story.

seriously? the OP needs counselling because of HER trust issues??? Im sorry but i woudlnt trust him as far as i could throw him

I don't think you have done anything wrong OP, but your 'd'p has.
He actually propositioned another woman for sex, that is most definately not respectful to you! If you think he has form to do it again then stop torturing yourself and leave him. Or at least postpone the wedding until you feel genuine trust.
It sounds as if you've got a lot going on and he is just adding to your worries.

Another one here OP saying I also wouldn't trust him as far as i could throw him.

Call off the wedding at the very least sweetheart.

I thought i had found an opposite to my exp. I have moved away from all my friends and family to be with him. So other than on here i literally have no one else to talk to. I have met a lot of people here but i wouldnt say any of them are a firm friend. The dcs are so happy the happiest they have ever been.