My dh can't stand my parents :-(

[maxomummy]

Apologies if I ramble a bit...my dh really dislikes my parents and finds them very awkward to be around. They have made some mistakes over the years (like the family feud with my sister and brother and not telling me about my half sister from my Dad) and they can do tend to off load on me which can be hard...but they're my family and I love them. We live in Bristol and they live about 180 miles away so we always have to see them overnight and it always causes a row with my dh either before, during or after the visit. The latest is that I arranged to go see them in September, we are going in November as well to go to one of my sister's (the new one!) 40th and mum and dad are having our twins for us so when dh asked me if my mum had mentioned Christmas he flipped! I had forgotten that she'd asked us to go up then - not for Christmas day because dh won't have that and my mum knows it - but before or just after so they can see the kids. Since they were born my parents have always come to us - but not Christmas day because that's just for our little family fo dh's sake - and it's getting too much to do in a couple of days because my dad is 72 now. So my dh flipped and said 3 times in a row isn't happening and they're selfish and why can't they come to us etc. and then it all started again with "they don't treat you properly and they're selfish and why don't they bother more" and this stuff really hurts me (partly because I know some of it is true but still...) We've been married for 10 years and this is the only thing we argue about and it always gets really nasty with me saying he doesn't care about me and him saying I always put my parents first. I don't know what to do but the kids are going to suffer if we don't sort it out and I can't stand the arguing but how much do I have to give up to please him?
Sorry again about the long post.

I have reread the entire thread again.
One or two posters asked whether you are "allowed" to visit your own friends without him?
Also,do you think he may be a bit narcissistic,ie everything is all about him.You may need to look up about that,to get a better understanding of it than I can give you.

As regards the shouting.You say he would never hurt the children,and he is not violent to you.What is it that upsets you so much about him shouting.

My dad used to shout a fair bit,but like your DH was never violent.As I got older,I learnt to ignore the shouting and just respond to him as if he had talked normally.He eventually realised that there was no point shouting at me,because I just reacted in exactly the same way as if he had talked normally to me.So his shouting lost its power.In fact,he came to respect me more because of it,because he knew he had acted wrongly,and that I wasnt going to accept his nonsense.

He has no problem with me seeing my friends without him, in fact he often suggests it...but he does say nasty things about them and when we've arranged things together he gets to the day before then says he can't be bothered.

What sort of things does he say about them?

It sounds like he gets on very well with his own family.Is that true?

If he has deep anger issues,have you any idea what he could be angry about.

Personally I dont know much about tempers,so dont know whether people have tempers because they are born with them,dont know how to control themselves,choose not to control themselves,or have deep seated anger about certain things,

He's trying to cut you off from your friends and family. Its common in abusive relationships. I know you have said he doesn't hit you, I've no idea if its likely to escalate but just what he is doing right now is bad enough.

I have had two previous relationships like this. They both would sneakily try to stop me going out and seeing people, by saying horrible things about them or telling me lies about them or saying they didn't really like me. Or coming up with reasons he said were in my best interests and only because he cared. Such as that i might have an accident or get mugged or attacked.

The thing is it is up to you to decide what it in your best interests, not him. You are not a child and he is not there to protect you. You are no more likely to have an accident on your own then with him in the car.

Its also a lie, because he isn't worried you will have an accident, but that's a convincing argument. He just wants you where he wants you.

In my case both relationships escalated to violence, one rather bad the other minimal but i got out before it got worse.

In my case i found that i it was easier to keep him happy, not rock the boat so i stopped doing the things he didn't like and seeing the people he didn't like. It didn't take much manipulation or arguing, fuss etc on his part because by then i could just tell how things would go. A look would be enough.

I have also seen this happen to a family member who is male. His wife has cut him off from all his friends and family but coming up with imagined slights. He now has no one but her. She had hit him the last i heard.

Only you know the ins and outs of your relationship OP. I suspect that you know everything we are telling you in the back of your mind is true. But until you can see it clearly for yourself theres not much anyone can do.

I hope you see it before it does escalate. If you need to post again no one will judge you for not seeing it before.

He may have good qualities, you may be happy for a lot of the time. But (and this is extreme) in the case of Ted Bundy, who murdered prostitutes, even the judge was astounded at his likeability. It is often a feature of the most manipulative that they are extremely likeable and charming.

Thanks everyone for the advice and support, it seee#ms I have a lot to think about. xx

Do you think there is any truth in what posters are saying OP? That he's being controlling and trying to distance you from your friends and family?

Hi everyone, poopoo I'm not sure tbh. Since last week my dh seems to have taken some of the things I've said on board eg. he's not saying I can't take my dcs to my parents on my own anymore...he does keep changing his mind about whether to come with us or not the next time we go. I keep telling him it's best if he doesn't so he can have some time to himself and he seems ok with that at the moment. My sister and her boys came and stayed with us last week and he was fine with that, very different to my parents actually, we had a nice time. Also a nice weekend with the kids so a big improvement. There are times when I do feel he is trying to distance me from others but I'm now starting to wonder how much of my current problems is because I've let him get away with it. Maybe I need to be stronger at these times and he will meet me half way as he seems to be doing at the moment? Feeling better though and thanks again to everyone who's posted their thoughts, it feels great to know you are out there and supportive. xxx

Op did I read right that you are not allowed to visit your parents without him? Are you allowed to go to other places on your own?

Oh FFS!
They have made some mistakes over the years (like the family feud with my sister and brother and not telling me about my half sister from my Dad) and they can do tend to off load on me which can be hard...

We live in Bristol and they live about 180 miles away so we always have to see them overnight and it always causes a row with my dh either before, during or after the visit. The latest is that I arranged to go see them in September, we are going in November as well to go to one of my sister's (the new one!) 40th and mum and dad are having our twins for us so when dh asked me if my mum had mentioned Christmas he flipped!

in a fit of spite I gave the ticket to my colleague anyway

The thing is I have other family there too, my brother my grandparents and another sister and I never get to see them anymore. Not solely but partly because we go so rarely that I end up just seeing mum and dad. It's so difficult! We see my in-laws all the time becuse they are local and it's so unfair because they get on my nerves sometimes

i) your parents upset you
ii) you have to travel miles to get there
iii) when you do get there you won't see other rellies

Couple of questions
How long do you spend with his relatives? Do they do any kid looking after etc.

Why don't they come and visit again? 'cos DH hates them? I prefer snotty rellies on either side to come to visit us, so they can have things explained to them on our turf.

Oh, and I think all the "He's a controlling brute" "Think of Ted Bundy" posters may need to take a deep breath.

wannabe I live so far away because I chose to move here before I met my dh.

So, you wanted to put some distance between you and the parents, too?

The "you might have an accident" sounds a bit much, but from bitter experience of XW who spent loads of time with her family, if you don't go along what comes next is "Oh, sorry we weren't in, we were at dad's/auntie's/gran's/sister's" . I always thought it was a bit mean, as XW got kids on her own... and when I wasn't working they were at her familiy's. She wouldn't take kids to her family while I was at work... I used to love it when she was on nights...

Possibly he's worried you'll keep scarpering off to your families and he'll see less of the kids. Does he like spending time with them?

Hi everyone, I just thought I'd update you all after you took the time to read my post and give me your advice, which I really do appreciate. Things are much better with my dh since I last posted. We've had some heart to hearts and an evening out together in the last few weeks and my dh even mentioned how he feels he may need anger management sometimes this came from him without either of us mentioning the words 'bullying' or 'controlling'. I also went to see my parents with my girls and he stayed at home and this seems to have worked well. He missed us like mad and we missed him too but I really feel it was better this way and has given him some space from my family. I've made a great effort not to complain about them to him as much and if/when I do he's alot more understanding and says comforting things for me rather than angry things for him. So all in all I feel like we've turned a corner Thank you everyone for your advice and for being a much needed safety valve when I was feeling . xx