My dh can't stand my parents :-(

[maxomummy]

Apologies if I ramble a bit...my dh really dislikes my parents and finds them very awkward to be around. They have made some mistakes over the years (like the family feud with my sister and brother and not telling me about my half sister from my Dad) and they can do tend to off load on me which can be hard...but they're my family and I love them. We live in Bristol and they live about 180 miles away so we always have to see them overnight and it always causes a row with my dh either before, during or after the visit. The latest is that I arranged to go see them in September, we are going in November as well to go to one of my sister's (the new one!) 40th and mum and dad are having our twins for us so when dh asked me if my mum had mentioned Christmas he flipped! I had forgotten that she'd asked us to go up then - not for Christmas day because dh won't have that and my mum knows it - but before or just after so they can see the kids. Since they were born my parents have always come to us - but not Christmas day because that's just for our little family fo dh's sake - and it's getting too much to do in a couple of days because my dad is 72 now. So my dh flipped and said 3 times in a row isn't happening and they're selfish and why can't they come to us etc. and then it all started again with "they don't treat you properly and they're selfish and why don't they bother more" and this stuff really hurts me (partly because I know some of it is true but still...) We've been married for 10 years and this is the only thing we argue about and it always gets really nasty with me saying he doesn't care about me and him saying I always put my parents first. I don't know what to do but the kids are going to suffer if we don't sort it out and I can't stand the arguing but how much do I have to give up to please him?
Sorry again about the long post.

What's he like about you going out with friends etc OP?

Because personally he sounds controlling to me and one of the signs is trying to cut you off from friends and family. The not letting you go in case you have an accident is also ridiculous. That really IS controlling. Are you some kind of fluffy incapable bunny who can't function without a big brave man to take control?

My ex was a controlling twat and he was just like this. Hated my parents but ONLY because they were so awful to me not really just human and not perfect, big tantrums whenever I said I was visiting them, forbidding me to let kids be alone unsupervised etc.

Think there is a lot more to this.

i think I have a different take on this to some posters.

I think,in his clumsy way,he is not trying to control you.My guess is that his family in no way have treated him in the same way that yours treated you.So,to him,what he sees is horrifying and alien to him.
I can slightly understand,as I come from a slightly shouty family,whereas my DH comes from a very quiet one,and he finds shouting of any description,even on soaps,a complete no no!
You say it is the only thing you argue about,so I presume the rest of the time you have a good marriage and he is not trying to control you.And probably not trying to socially isolate you either.

You say that he says "you always put your parents first".Do you for instance,frequently ring them,email,skype etc.Not saying you shouldnt,just wanted to get a fuller picture.

Should have added,that I think he is trying to protect you,as he sees it.
I dont think you saying he doesnt care about you is helpful.

I should call his bluff on the "he would worry too much about us having an accident".Tell him that you can all go together,then he can stay in a local hotel,B&B,stay with other realtives,or actually he can then go back home,and come and collect you when you leave.See what he says.See how he reacts.

Your DH is probably banging his head against a wall somewhere seeing how they treat you and you still insist on going back for more. I know, I've been there.

When you stormed out of the car on him, was he genuinely being cruel/making things up about your dad, or was it a valid point he made that you would rather storm off than acknowledge?

Some alarm bells ringing for me too. The thing is you don't really say how your parents are horrible to you? Do they shout at you/ are they unkind? The bottom line is, YOU want to see them, you love them and you know they love you. Your DH should support this. Not wanting to go OR allowing you to visit alone in case you have an accident is controlling behaviour, as is making visits difficult.

I think you recognise this, by saying "how much do I have to give up to please him?" and "he flipped", and Christmas is a little family "for dh's sake", and "should I tell them I'm not allowed?" (massive alarm bells with that quote - of course you're "allowed" - you're a grown woman)

It sounds to me like the only problem here is your rows with your dh, that in fact the visits themselves are fine? Not the relationship with your parents (who have offered to have your twins, who want to see you at Christmas.... - I don't really understand what the problem is with them?)

I was married to someone very controlling. Funnily enough he couldn't stand my mum either, and would tell me over and over what a bitter woman she was. (She's not!!) I used to visit alone though (when we were together) and we had lovely times - the stress of the visits disappeared without him huffing and puffing about everything we did. I think it's interesting reading about abusive and controlling men trying to separate you from family and friends - my ex certainly tried his utmost to break up my relationships with both my mum and my best friend, by telling me over and over again what terrible people they were. I left him eventually. In hindsight I can see just how much I did "give up to please him" and leaving him has made me feel I got my whole life and personality back. Not saying you should leave him, but just have a think about what exactly is going on here.

PS - not saying your husband is "abusive and controlling" - just that it makes interesting reading to learn about relationships like that.

We have a similar issue. My DHs parents (and mine) never really protected us as children.

I won't go into detail but the bottom line is that both of us have spent a fair few nights picking up the pieces after parents have been particularly bad or hurtful.

As a result, he doesn't much like my mother and I don't like his parents (or family!).

We have spoken about it and we understand that the reason isn't difficulty, it's that we genuinely can't stand to see people who spent 30 odd years essentially punching the other in the face (not literally) and we spent the last few years fixing their mistakes in each other.

He doesn't have to like your parents and I suggest you give him the way out to not attend. Or to meet them on neutral territory. He probably feels quite out of sorts with them - like he can't be himself. If you go somewhere neutral, he may not feel like he has to bend over for them.

Remember, he does it mostly out of love for you. Whether you think it's right or not.

I also don't really understand what is supposed to be so bad about your parents. What does your DH mean by saying that they treat you badly?

To be honest it sounds as though he wants to cut you off from your family. "Not allowing" you to drive there on your own is ridiculous - he's using it as an excuse for tagging along on visits so he can pick fights and have tantrums about "having to visit". It sounds to me like you have a controlling husband, rather than a toxic family.

Does he have a problem with other members of your family, or is it just your parents?

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!!! I just told my dh over the phone from work thath, "the bullying and controlling will stop!" He put the phone down on me. I'm in work, what am I going to do??? He has the kids, what am I going to do??!!

What is it that you are afraid of?
If he is perfectly fine in all other aspects of your marriage,this is just a row?
Or is there stuff you havent told us.

Are you saying there isnt a problem in other areas of your marriage,because you never make a fuss about the rest of it?

It's so stupid really. Work give us tickets for the zoo and he wanted to take the kids today with his brother and family so he wanted my ticket as well. Yesterday a colleague asked me to borrow mine so I checked with dh if his brother has his own tickets (long standing present from MIL) before lending it....but when I asked him he was really nasty and off with me because we had had this row about my parents so in a fit of spite I gave the ticket to my colleague anyway. Last night we sorted a few things out or so I thought then this morning he rings asking for the ticket and when I say I haven't got it he gets really angry about it then phones me back to tell me that he will have to tell all the children that they can't go to the zoo and that it's my fault! this is when I snapped and said that about bullying and controlling...because that's how I felt, something about the way he said it. But maybe I was wrong, I did believe his brother has zoo tickets when I gave my ticket over, but still...

Am I right in thinking it is a row.
And that probably your DH will still take everyone to the zoo,but may have to buy an extra ticket.

Dont know if you have time to read all the posts.Hope you do sometime.Sounds like you need time to sort some things out.Meanwhile, i personally would suggest you tread carefully with DH,maybe not saying too much,until you decide what is going on with the him and your parents situation.As in, he is controlling,or is he actually trying to protect you as he sees it.

Bloody hell! Of course the kids can still go to the zoo. Why can't you all go as a family at the weekend and pay for the extra ticket? Or one of you take them at the weekend. Or ask the colleague for it back - I'm sure you'd get it back if you said sorry you you made a mistake (but YOU have it and go with the kids).

You really do need to talk to him. His behaviour towards you is not nice. That's really not nice to tell the kids it's your fault they can't go when this situation can be sorted out so that they do.

What about suggesting counselling (later when you talk to him)? My fallback! But I always think it's not threatening because you're saying that there is a problem, but you want to sort it out because you want things to work. + a good counsellor can be really helpful.

Send him a text "sorry - I thought your brother had tickets. Tell the kids we will take them at the weekend, I'll take them with the tickets we have if you like, or you can. I think we need to talk about things later. I don't want to keep rowing with you"..... or something like that!

rushing out now, but hope you sort it out.

You seem scared of him OP.
I think he is controlling HE doesn't like your family so he will only allow you to see them when he says so, meanwhile you see his family several times a week. How can he say you put your birth family first with a straight face? Hypocritical oaf!

Whatever they have done your husband should be respectful of your relationship with your parents. Its your choice to still have them in your life not his.

Im wondering if its a control thing. It seems like he is trying to cut you off from them by not agreeing to see them but not wanting you to on your own either. That raises flags for me.

Sorry, realised i am massively behind!

Thanks magichouse I think I'll try that, I can email his mobile.

bleedingheart I think I'm scared of what I said and why I said it to him. Also I don't want to hurt him I love him.

Just sent email saying sorry for what I said, misunderstandng re tickets and didn't expect him to be so angry, need to talk later...just waiting for a response.

There is something not right here,but I cant put my finger on it.
How old are you op? How old is your DH?
Was he married before.
Does he have a temper.
Has he hit you before

You sound like you have deep fears of something
Are you terrified he will leave you.

Have you hurt someone before,and they have left you.

amillionyears I'm 34, dh is 36 (nearly), not married before, temper - yes but doesn't usually show it, never hit me.

Just had this response:
"Its ok. Im not angry any more. It just seemed a spiteful thing to do. We dont often row. Its just a phase which im sure will be gone today. Im sorry too for getting so cross. I told a you lost the ticket so cancelled. It doesnt matter. Id rather go with you anyway. Thetes nothing to talk about later. Its all fine. I love you more than you know and always will. Dont worry about anything. Call later xxx
Don't know what to make of it tbh !!

It sounds like to me,that he likes to sweep things under the carpet.
Maybe he is afraid of his own emotions?
Do you think he has other things he would like to discuss with you,but doesnt?

Do you get frightened of his temper even though he doesnt get violent.
Do you get frightened for the children when they are in his care,in case he does do somrething when he gets angry?

I'm never frightened he will hurt the children, he is a very good father and would never hurt them. It's more his tone of voice when he gets impatient/angry - he can be quite harsh, like with the situation this morning. It makes me very uncomfortable when he's like that.

Something really isnt right here OP. Im sorry but your scared of him. Why? What did you think he was going to do with the kids when you said that about the bullying?

I know you love him. I know you dont want to hurt him. But he is hurting you. Everyone has rows. The thing around the zoo doesnt seem odd. Its just a row. But your reaction and your fear...thats not normal.

I think there really is more to all this. I think if you were truely honest with yourself about the relationship you would see more issues. He is trying to cut you off from your family. I find it hard to believe thats where the controlling stops.