Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh is driving me mad with his backache

49 replies

hownowbrowncowhow · 13/08/2012 12:40

It started about 3 months ago. At first i was sympathetic, but he has become all consumed with it. Spend a lot of time moping around, lying on the floor stretching, sighing etc. He has taken painkillers, seen an osteopath, etc. but nothing helps and i am selfishly perhaps, at the end of my tether. Please help me find a way to be patient.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 13/08/2012 13:04

Bloody hell. Well - perhaps be grateful it's not you? I lived with chronic pain from a slipped disc for a year and it was appalling.

sugarice · 13/08/2012 13:10

Oh your poor dh, back pain is debillitating and soul destroying. Take brisk walks to get yourself out and about during the day but try to be patient with him.

AMumInScotland · 13/08/2012 13:16

Is there a limit on how long people are allowed to be in pain then? I'm sure your husband would love to be able to decide not to have any more pain since it's obviously such a struggle for you to cope with Hmm

Pain is all-consuming when it is your pain. Because it just damn well hurts.

Thumbwitch · 13/08/2012 13:19

Yes, imagine how much worse it would be if it was YOU with the pain, that might help you. Hmm

Sounds like he's tried stuff to fix it - perhaps he should try going to the GP and getting a referral for an x-ray or MRI to see why it still hurts - could be a number of different things and it needs to be addressed so if he hasn't already been to the GP, make him go. And make him insist on a referral.

HellonHeels · 13/08/2012 13:52

Constant pain is hideous. I had a bout of shoulder pain for months that was very difficult to treat. The pain is debilitating, frustrating, disabling and it HURTS. Even getting dressed, turning over in bed, lying down - the things you take for granted - are painful.

So your DH's back pain might be driving you mad, but at least you're not suffering it, constantly in pain, with no opportunity to go out and leave it behind, the way your DH is.

happyAvocado · 13/08/2012 13:54

research better treatment for him

Mumsyblouse · 13/08/2012 13:57

It is difficult living with someone who is grumpy and stressed due to pain, but I have also been that person in pain and it just affects every moment of your life. All you can do is be as sympathetic as you can (I sometimes snap back at my husband when he snaps at me or is grumpy 'I'm sorry you are in pain but please don't take it out on me) and help with practical things. But it's not ideal for everyone.

Do you think he's milking it, though, your op slightly implies he is. I know my husband isn't and I've give anything for him not to be in constant pain.

Thumbwitch · 13/08/2012 14:00

Actually, if he's already drawn a blank at the GP, then he could try an acupuncturist. They're very good at pain blocking. But he should still seek some kind of investigation into why his back pain is so recalcitrant.

Mama1980 · 13/08/2012 14:03

My back and hips are held together by pins and the pain is unreal sometimes. Has he seen a consultant? Been referred for a MRI? That should tell them exactly what and where the problem is. Then physio? Acupuncture? mine is kept under control with injections around my spine to relax the muscles and kill the pain. A pain clinic could help with that. I would push for further investigations tbh. I know I can snap. When the pain really bites but try to be patient and make sure you get out of a bit. Good luck

PeppermintPasty · 13/08/2012 14:12

Perhaps you need a different perspective. You may also need to get used to it, as sadly back pain doesn't just go away.

My dp helps me with my back, but sometimes he takes the (gentle) piss. My problem involves legs giving way suddenly etc at different times, which is a right pain in the, er, back. But it can be quite comical, I tend to try and laugh it off. I don't want to worry the children too, so we use humour a fair bit.

Has he had physio at all, that may help. Pilates class? I've had acupuncture but was a bit hmmm about it.

I think it may feel fairly new to him, all this pain, and this is why he huffs and puffs. The more the pain becomes part of his life (sadly), the more he may get used to it, and do a lot less sighing and moaning.

bonzo77 · 13/08/2012 14:13

After 3 months he needs to be more pro active about getting diagnosed and treated. If he really is in that much pain he'll do it. Sympathy is in short supply in our house, unless the ill person has made serious attempts to help themselves. Same rule for DH and his kidney stones, me and my morning sickness. We're a bit gentler on DS as he is only 2.5, though even he knows he needs to calm down and talk instead of just moaning now.

throckenholt · 13/08/2012 14:15

Back pain is awful. It is also often eased by keeping moving gently (which can be knackering because you don't get to sit down and veg). Do certain chairs, beds etc make it worse ? DH for example can't sit in a sofa, or a computer chair - he has to have an upright (dining room) chair.

TruthCanHurt · 13/08/2012 14:19

I think a proper diagnosis is vital, if it hasn't been done OP

I don't want to depress you about 20 years ago but an old family friend had back pain for a couple of months, and eventually was diagnosed with advanced stages of cancer. He lived about another 4 months.

Hopefully not that but help him get is sorted out.

EldritchCleavage · 13/08/2012 14:28

Bit mean to complain about him being in pain, but I sympathise a little since it doesn't sound as though he has really got to grips with sorting it out. Encourage him to see the GP and push for a referral to a back specialist. I would also see a physio to see if there are any exercises he can do to alleviate the pain.

inabeautifulplace · 13/08/2012 14:58

My issues have been recurring for almost 5 years now. I'm afraid your 3 month tether could be extended considerably. As suggested, the best way forward would be to gently encourage him to seek a variety of treatment. He should press his GP for a referral for an MRI to see if there are any disc issues etc.
I will say that being in constant pain and not getting as many endorphins from exercise lead to a dip in my mental health. I didn't get adequate sleep until I started taking codeine every night but that's not a great solution. Best thing for me so far has been a yoga class, which is something you could go to together.

WinstonWolf · 13/08/2012 15:18

I really didn't understand nor appreciate quite how all consuming pain could be until I suffered from back pain (and I had one of those horrendous 46hr labours with complications so don't say that lightly).

Why not try talking to him? You need to make an effort to understand just how much this is affecting him. Then you can make a plan together as to how you're going to try and make the situation better.

The thing with back pain is that there's really no escaping from it. Your back supports the entirety of your upper body and so it's not as simple as resting it as you would for a broken foot, or a pulled muscle in the arm.

Are you less sympathetic than perhaps you might otherwise be as he {perhaps?} doesn't have an official "diagnosis" for the cause of the pain?

frostyfingers · 13/08/2012 15:56

As others have said chronic pain is exhausting. As a long term sufferer with shoulder pain for almost 10 years, hip pain for 2 and now back pain it is very hard to be cheerful and chirpy and not moan. There are times when I am weeping with pain, usually at night and luckily I can get up and wander about without disturbing DH, however he is always sympathetic if I can't hide it. I do consciously try not to complain as I'm aware that it can be very boring, but am not always successful.

Not knowing why you are in pain is horrendous so please bear with him, help him get to the cause of it, and support him as much as you can. If you can get involved with sorting it out, it might help your patience because then you at least know what is going on. If you suspect hypochondria is involved make sure you accompany him to the gp/specialist so that you get the answers at the same time, and he can't dress it up or pretend something is worse than it is. I'm not saying that he is making it up or exaggerating, but get the feeling that you think he might be - if I'm wrong, apologies.

Dogsmom · 13/08/2012 16:20

You should get him to pester the docs and not rest until something is sorted, my Hubby had a bad back when we first met and had the usual preliminary docs appts, physio, osteopath etc but nothing helped.

He isn't a pushy person and so lived on ibuprofen and moaned a LOT which did get to me as he wouldn't go back and insist on proper tests, in the end I made him an appointment and made him go, the doc sent him for a scan and it turned out he had a bit of disc squeezing out and pressing on the nerve, he had a small op to trim it off and was pain free from the moment he woke.

If it's still bad after 3 months your husband may have something similar and unfortunately it wont go away by itself, mine paid for a private scan as he couldn't wait for the nhs, he paid £180 and it was done the same afternoon.

Original poster
hownowbrowncowhow · 13/08/2012 16:20

Thanks for the replies. The problem is that i think he is being OTT about this. We have had an ambulance here before because he thought he was sure he had weils disease but had just got carried away and had a panic attack. He cannot cope with being ill / having a bit of discomfort without becoming hysterical. Luckily this is really rare, but i am sure this is what is happening now.

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 13/08/2012 16:24

I can understand being annoyed with him then, but the advice still holds good-GP appointment (for his health anxiety as well as back pain).

One thing I know-recovery from any health-related issue normally has to be worked at, so do encourage him to be positive, and activist.

Original poster
hownowbrowncowhow · 13/08/2012 16:29

How can i convince him that every thing will be ok and he will get better but he needs to relax and stop thinking about his back all the time? He just won't listen to me.

OP posts:
sadwidow28 · 13/08/2012 16:39

My DH had back-pain and I was most sympathetic at first, then I thought he was milking it (and I feel ashamed about that every day now). I took him to a Chiropractor 3 times - in between my very, very busy work life and was given the hint that it was not skeletal.

3 months later he died of Stage 4 lung cancer!

I only share this with you so that you can help yourself and DH to get a grip of his situation. It is not intended to scare you at all - but please don't think that 'he will shake off the back pain' if you virtually ignore him or chivvy him!

Your DH needs a proper diagnosis, but the pain he is suffering may stop him from making his usual proactive decisions. Even the thought of having to walk from the car to the Chiropractor filled my DH with dread. He knew his pain - I didn't.

sadwidow28 · 13/08/2012 16:43

Oh - the other thing OP, the GP was unable to diagnose what was causing his back-pain (gave him pain killers) and when I insisted he was referred, the hospital got it wrong for 2 weeks and treated him for Gilliam Barre syndrome.

Just do some jumping up and down with both DH and the doctors to get to the root cause.

Good luck! And I send you prayers.

scummymummy · 13/08/2012 16:44

I am clearly in a minority as I sympathise completely with you. It's so miserable living with someone who is constantly grumpy, down in the dumps and unable to participate in family life because of pain or illness. And it's so easy to forget that it's not their fault. If he's got a histrionic/hypochondriacal streak it's still not his fault but is all the more annoying! I agree with giving yourself plenty of time away from him and making sure he is being proactive about seeking help. Good luck on your quest to keep patient.:)

Yama · 13/08/2012 16:47

Oh Sadwidow - that just stopped me in my tracks. I am very sorry.

HowNow - I have a spinal condition. Was operated on years ago - major surgery.

I know what makes it worse (small children/lifting/prolonged standing/generally overdoing it).

I find acupuncture really helps. My Mum often suggests I should go to GP and get re-referred. I may do in the future.

My dh is always sympathetic. I do appreciate it. I must tell him.