Dh is driving me mad with his backache

[hownowbrowncowhow]

It started about 3 months ago. At first i was sympathetic, but he has become all consumed with it. Spend a lot of time moping around, lying on the floor stretching, sighing etc. He has taken painkillers, seen an osteopath, etc. but nothing helps and i am selfishly perhaps, at the end of my tether. Please help me find a way to be patient.

Back pain IME is like depression - GPs simply can't cope with it in most cases. No matter how many times you present with the same symptoms you end up with the same diagnosis and treatment. I have spent a fortune on chiro and osteo over the years and my back doesn't significantly improve. I am now reliant on a TENS machine that I bought, stretches and exercises and preemptive painkillers when things are bad and I know an activity will worsen it.

I think it's a bit mean to complain that he isn't doing enough. It can be like banging your head on a brick wall TBH.

But I guess pain, like depression, makes you selfish and I can understand how that will get a partner down.

If there is no identifiable root cause (orif there is but it is not amenable to a quick fix cure), a referral to the pain management clinic may be helpful. I always hear great reports of them.

I sympathise too op. when I'll, my DH becomes a different person, nasty, snappy, won't talk nicely even to the kids. It really fucks me off. My meals are thrown away, my bedroom becomes out of bounds and forget any help with anything. Two Christmases ago me and dd didn't see him from boxing day until new years day except for to take him meals on a tray. He had a cold no worse than anyone else's. He couldn't even bring himself to speak to me, I had to try and guess if he wanted food, drink or medicine and he would grunt!

The anxiety isn't likely to be helping him so he does need an investigation. I injured my back when I was a teen and the pain was unbearable so I know how awful it can be. Also if he is taking pain killers it can impact the stomach so after a period of time you start to feel generally unwell.

I echo what everyone else says - a scan or xray so that the underlying issue is resolved, without that he could be making the issue worse. I have found ostepaths's better than chiropractors but find you have to shop around for someone who can actually deal with the issues. A great one will be able to diagnose and help your husband.

What is the GP diagnosis,op
what was his personality like ,particularly around being ill,before his back pain.

sadwidow28
It is right that if we dont have the pain ourselves,we dont really have much idea how the other person is really feeling.
sadwidow28,dont keep blaming yourself.You werent to know,and my guess is that your DH wouldnt have wanted you to still feel ashamed.

amillionyears - you have just made me cry!

I am 11 years on now - 11th Anniversary on 19th August so I always recall the days as if they were yesterday at this time of year. On 13th August 2001 (a Monday) he had had the most briliant Sunday ever! I pushed him in his wheelchair to a local club and he bought a round of drinks from a £20 I put in the top pocket of his shirt. (He had never wanted to carry money whilst he was ill). Monday 13th was the day he said, "I don't think I can fight this any more love." I had to respect that decision. It simply broke my heart.

Oh so sorry sad What a tragic story.

So sorry to read that, sadwidow.:(

Well, back to the OP.

My advice is to get a proper diagnosis - and insist on a referral for scans.

In the meantime, sympathise as much as you feel able - but take yourself off for a long soak in a bath to give yourself some head space. I used to cry in the bath - nobody knew what was bath water and what was tears. It was my safe haven where I dissolved and then got myself strong again. I also had a small CD player and played soothing music that emptied my mind of the daily stresses............... oh - and a glass of wine!

sadwidow28

Sad widow you are very brave x

My MIL was maddened by back pain too. GP fobbed her off. It was cancer, and she lived only a very short time after eventual diagnosis.

About the whole hysterical thing.

It may be that he becomes hysterical when he feels the pain because it's another sign that it hasn't gone away, it's still there, it's not stopped. Just drip, drip, drip. More pain, more agony. Words can't really sum up the absolute terror you can feel at points when you think this pain could be with you for the rest of your life. Or, God forbid, get worse and worse. It makes you sick to your very stomach to think of it. All you want is for it to go away and nothing is working and it's still there. That's all.

I also sympathise, I'm another who lives with back pain and have done for the last 17 years. 2 of my discs are damaged, which also causes sciatica thank you bastard epidural and it's not fun.
I always have some level of pain and used to rely heavily on strong painkillers and was often just so pissed off with my limitations and moaned and whinged :(
Dr's wouldn't operate due to it being too risky, my age and the fact I have mobility.
A few years ago after a shitty break up I lost loads of weight (4 stones) the one thing I thank ex twunt for :) and it improved so much that I stopped most of the painkillers, I just take 2 on a morning now to loosen me up and take the stiffness away. I exercise a lot too, weights, kettlebells and HIIT workouts, obviously being very careful ** Yes it hurts and I could cry sometimes but I won't let it beat me nor put me back to feeling so down about it.

** I asked my consultant if it was possible to damage it more and he said so long as it feels comfy, I don't feel any pain any worse from my sciatic nerve whilst exercising - then it's fine and will actually strengthen the back muscles which could help too.

OP - help your DH to be positive, encourage him to move and exercise. Keep going to the GP, ask for a appointment at the hospital for an MRI. Be careful in what you say as if he feels like you aren't supporting him or blaming him when he genuinely can't help it then the depression will creep in/worsen. I hope he does improve soon x

Sadwidow ((hugs)) ((kisses)) So sorry.

So :( to hear that sadwidow.

OP - you have made your mind up that your DH is malingering. He may be, or he may have something quite serious going on, from bulging discs to cancer. I would seriously suggest you get him to the doc, instead of playing down his pain like you are doing because unless you are a back specialist doctor, you cannot KNOW that he will be ok if he "just relaxes".

Yes I sympathise with you too. My dh has been the same. At first I felt awful for him then I realised when the osteopath was giving him exercises to do he would do two then stop. He is now seeing a physio who has also given him back strengthening exercises but all he has done so far is sit in the armchair yesterday and do two stretches! My sympathy has lessened I'm afraid. It has cost a fortune so far and he does not seem to be doing his bit to change it.

for all those saying go to the GP, my dh went to gp to talk abou his slipped disk, he started off saying i have a slipped disk, then the dr said "what do you want a sick note" and my dh was like "erm no? treatment!" and that was end of appointment, the GP didnt do anything except offer a sick note.

un suprisingly my DH hasnt been back, that wa about 2 years ago.

Bloody hell Nailak - go for another GP appointment! He should have been referred for physio - and possibly cortisone injections. Is he still in as much pain?

Sounds like my db who has sciatica and disc problems.
He is 3 stones overweight and does little exercise. I have suggested Pilates as that really helped my back issues...the physio recommended it too...but he refuses to contemplate it as theat's for wanky women carrying water bottles.

It drives his wife mad.

I have had chronic neck and shoulder problems (spreading down my back) since I had an accident at 18, I'm now 42. Age, children, stress and poor posture have all made it worse over the years and I have been to the GP so many times over the years when the pain has peaked to the point of being unable to function. I have had just about every treatment possible (!!) and none of it really works for me. I was referred to pain management but again it didn't really help. Now I just visit a Mctimoney (sp?) chiropractor every couple of months - they are less physical than the normal ones! - and take strong pain killers when it starts to get bad. I complain about it quite a bit but try not to as I understand that it is wearing to hear it.

Living with chronic pain is horrendous and can affect your entire life so please be a bit more sympathetic to it.

Sadwidow so sorry to hear about your DH.

Another thought - I went to see a homeopath for general unwellness after my 3rd child was born, I was permanently having infections requiring antibiotics and was beginning to wonder if I was imagining things all the time. The best thing about the homeopath was the talking - she encouraged me to really talk through every element of each illness I had, thoroughly, and didn't rush me or move me on. The fact that I could talk to someone without feeling guilty about boring them, that they listened and weren't judgy made a huge difference to my mental state (and minor obsession that every sore throat was going to become laryngitis, again!).

If you feel his problems are not all physical, it may be worth exploring that route as well. It is hard work, and it sounds like you are going to have to be the driving force to get it sorted - but I hope you and he can work it out.

Thank you for all your really encouraging replies. I am so sorry sadwidow - you are so brave and have really made me put this into perspective. I think i was having a really intolerant day yesterday, but you have all made me rethink my behaviour. I will definately make sure he gets the right help - whatever the cause. Thank you all, you have been a big help.

Jesus Nailak! that's unacceptable from a GP, can your DH not go to another GP practice? I know sometimes Doctors are reluctant to send people to hospital straight away and often go down the physio route first, then there's the term "mechanical back" when GP's have no idea what's wrong which isn't really helpful.