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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my life is a mess and dont know what to do for my dc, please help

26 replies

jaynel · 12/08/2012 20:25

7 months ago i left my husband, weve been together for 11 years, married for 7, and have 4 dc between us (2 together). he has never really been interested in the children and is a very moody,stressy man who became harder to live with, the only thing i can say is he adores me, but thats my problem, he will not leave me alone, constant harrassing, saying things infront of the children, putting rubbish on facebook, generally making my life hell. ive told him i dont love him anymore and dont want to try anymore but he will just not leave me alone.

i will admit i met someone 5 weeks after we separated but it ended a few months later. i never cheated at all in my 11 years with him, just stopped loving him.
i did get the police involved at the begining who gave him a warning but since i filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago things have got so much worse. im so depressed and misreble, my family make me feel like i should go back and im trying so hard to proctect my dc but feel im failing them terribley, i want to go to the police again but really dont want this to affect my dc, i feel like ive been a bad mum already by leaving there father, i dont want to make it worse, i just cant cope with all the harrassment and everytime i see him the comments in front of the children, its awful.

he found out i was seeing this person by hacking my facebook and reading my messages, ive told him im not with him anymore but he doesnt believe me and constantly accuses me of being with him. my life right now is hell, i was misreable when i was with him but not as much as i am now, should i just go back and try harder for the dc or go to the police, carry on with divorce and hope in time things will get better?

OP posts:
TheSilverPussycat · 12/08/2012 20:30

Do Not, repeat Not, go back to him..

I have no personal experience of this, but I'm pretty sure those who do would say yes, go to the police.

I doubt he adores you, btw. He's just annoyed you have escaped him.

CommunistMoon · 12/08/2012 20:31

You have obviously left him for good reasons and there is no way you should consider going back to someone who treats you this way. Harassment can be a criminal offence and I think you need to keep in contact with the police. Does your solicitor know what is going on? Could you arrange access visits with a 3rd party present, e.g. relative or friend? You've done the hardest bit, keep going and keep posting.

dequoisagitil · 12/08/2012 20:35

Love isn't harassing the person you supposedly love until they give in and do what you want. This is control and ego and meanness in him, not adoration.

He's getting worse because he's afraid you're moving on. Don't go back, go to the police, get a restraining order or something like that. Get legal advice.

For access, you can do handovers through a third party. If family aren't supportive, perhaps through friends or a contact centre. He can't spout shit at you in front of the kids if you're not there.

You have a right to be happy and free.

Original poster
jaynel · 12/08/2012 20:43

He has started to drink everynight, has been told by the dr his had a breakdown and is on antidepressents, which is all my fault, his made no effort to change but says if i come back he will change, i cant bear to look at him anymore and i know when its time for him to drop the dc off or i pick them up i get really nerves because hr doesnt care what he says infront of them

OP posts:
Original poster
jaynel · 12/08/2012 20:46

thank you, i feel like ive failed so badly, i married in and should have kept trying, he says i should have got him throught it and helped him. i gave him so many warnings but he just didnt listen. would a 3rd person not confuse the dc anymore, i just want to be strong for them but im really begining to weaken

OP posts:
dequoisagitil · 12/08/2012 20:58

He may or may not have had a breakdown, but that's not your responsibility. You have a responsibility to yourself and your dc first and foremost.

The dc don't need to see a dysfunctional relationship, where their mother is browbeaten into maintaining a relationship with an abusive man. That's not the sort of example they need.

And he is abusive, if he will do all these things to try to force you back to him. If he loved you, he would want to show how good he can be - but he can't be good to you, can he? He's just trying to intimidate and make your life hell.

dequoisagitil · 12/08/2012 20:58

His drinking/mental health problems are his to solve. No-one can cure anyone else, it has to come from inside.

AnyFucker · 12/08/2012 21:02

cut contact with him

texts only, strictly in relation to arrangements for the dc

do not enter into any more dialogue

you do not need to know about his mental state unless it directly involves dc, and if you feel they are in danger withdraw it

detach

Original poster
jaynel · 12/08/2012 21:11

he doesnt want to try and change, his life he wants people to feel sorry for him and he wants people to persude me to go back.
His never hit me or the dc, but he did start get get a bit of a temper, my dd had a friend to sleepover, they kept putting the hall light on to go to the loo, so he had to get up 2 or 3 times to turn it off, the last time he did it, it did it with such force he cracked the light fixing. He used to get up at 630am to have a shower before work my dd go in before him so he was hammering on the bathroom door waking me with a startle "you f***g bitch get out the shower im meant to be going to work!
when she was little 5-7 years ago he'd say to her if me and yr mum split up it will be yr fault.
He would never show much interest in any of the dc and would quite happly let me do it all. it used to say he couldnt wait for the dc to grow up so me and him could have a life

OP posts:
Original poster
jaynel · 12/08/2012 21:13

thank you for your support, feel like my best friend is the only one there for me right now, im so confused and lonely. just want to do right by my dc

OP posts:
dequoisagitil · 12/08/2012 21:18

He's a rotten father as well as husband if he has no interest in them, swears at them, breaks things to frighten them and tells them they'll be responsible if their parents split up.

How precisely would having him more in their life benefit them?! He's an awful father and horrible husband, and exhausting ex. But better an ex.

CommunistMoon · 12/08/2012 21:18

Well, now you and your DC can have a much better life without him. Stay strong and talk to people in RL too. Have you told your family what he is really like? I'm hoping you haven't, because if you have and they think you should accept this sort of marriage, they are twunts.

Original poster
jaynel · 12/08/2012 21:26

yes my mum knows everything, (theres more) but they can all see how much his hurting and feel sorry for him!

they strangest thing though is now they adore him, my dd would sit in her room every night so she wouldnt get told off or told to shut up so he could watch tv and my ds would bearly speak to him, never really bothered with him now he wants to be with him all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
jaynel · 12/08/2012 21:28

amd my dd wants me to get back with him, she says i should try again because he loves me and he is going to change.

i just dont understand why they have become so loyal to him

OP posts:
dequoisagitil · 12/08/2012 21:33

Because he can behave better towards them when he's not with them 24/7, and of course they love him, he's their dad. He can act a part and he's capable of being charming and loving - otherwise you'd never have got with him in the first place. It doesn't mean he's a good father. Of course children want their parents together, it's what they know. But they're children, you're the adult and you know better.

CommunistMoon · 12/08/2012 21:38

Of course children love their parents unconditionally, this goes for bad and even abusive parents too. Children don't like change but they are too young to make these kinds of decisions and to protect themselves, so it's your job to do that. You are doing right by them, so don't worry about that.

Does your mum have low expectations of men generally, or does she think that women should put up with things to keep the family together? Do you think the man or men in her life have treated her well? Just wondering if her perspective is all that it might be...

Original poster
jaynel · 12/08/2012 21:54

my mum loves my dad but my dad has been awful to my mum, (not abusive) and i saw and knew a lot, they split up quite a few times but she loved him and always took him back, id never put up with what she did, but she loved him. i dont love my husband but they cant really see that, they dont understand how one minute i loved him the next i didnt. it wasnt like that, was over a period of time, i thought i could do it for the dc but realised i couldnt.

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 12/08/2012 22:01

Firstly, you are the adult here and you have done the right thing leaving him. Do not under any circumstances go back to him. Your DD doesnt get to call the shots.

You need to go to the police and start documenting every abusive text, phonecall, fb update etc. I know your DCs seem to want to spend more time with him now, but he is abusive towards them and it is up to you to protect them. He is manipulating them in order to hurt you.

As for your family. Ignore them when they say you should go back. Or tell them to STFU. Its none of their business and they should be supporting you not him.

Can you arrange for a third party to do the handovers so you dont have to see him? If you have no one willing maybe you could give SS a call? I think you need all the support you can get right now.

Please do not blame yourself. That is what he wants you to think. You have done the right thing. I know it all seems so daunting right now, but you really are a great mum. Its him who is the problem.

CommunistMoon · 12/08/2012 22:02

It makes things easier if you no longer love him, but no-one should accept love as a reason to let someone treat them badly. Sounds like you are making better decisions than your mum did. Good luck and well done for getting this far. Keep talking to your friend, and your solicitor!

Original poster
jaynel · 13/08/2012 09:52

thank you, my dd told me last night he told her i was a dirty slut whos had more men in her bed than had hot dinners,and i wouldnt care if he ended his life id pay for the coffin!

This was my final straw so im going to the police today, he sent me a long message last night basically saying once ive picked the dc up today his going to end his life. i am worried for my dc saftey so i believe the police is the best thing to do.
Thank you for all your nice comments

OP posts:
Mytimewillcomebutwhen · 13/08/2012 10:12

Jaynel

You're being incredibly strong - you've already said that your mum has put up with things that she shouldn't have, so it's no wonder that she can't understand your strength. Hopefully though, in the future, your dd will be able to look at the example that you've show her and never question that she deserves better, just as you do now. Please take care, of yourself and your children, as these are your responsibilities. He is not. Dont forget that x

Angelico · 13/08/2012 10:20

Jayne don't let your kids go with him if he's making those kind of threats. There have been too many stories like this on the news in the last couple of years where a bastard ex kills his children to get back at exP, then kills himself. Not trying to scare you but you do have to protect your kids. Get police involved asap and withhold contact until you can arranged supervised contact. Keep those texts, especially the one from last night.

TheSilverPussycat · 13/08/2012 11:37

Seconding Angelico.

I always advise reporting suicide threats to police. It takes the responsibility off you (if you feel it is yours). They will visit him. This could save his life, or, if he is being manipulative, make him think twice about playing that game.

Original poster
jaynel · 13/08/2012 11:43

thank you, im going to the police this afternoon, and i have thought about that, its all that goes through mu head when he has them. I thought i knew him but after 11 years i really dont think i do.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/08/2012 12:12

jayne you are doing the right thing by going to the police

let the authorities deal with him now

don't let your chidren go with him, if he turns up, call 999

if he threatens to do himself in, call 999

whatever you do, do not get sucked back in

if he kills himself it will be one less twat in the world so be it, that is his choice

but he won't...these tossers rarely do, it's all grandiose posturing and the last attention-seeking resort when they realise all their other manipulations are failing

ignore it...let the police sort it out

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