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Original poster

not sure what this means for our relationship

49 replies

olympicgirl · 12/08/2012 12:30

Hello
i have been with DP for 2 years .I have a rented flat and he has a cottage he bought with a payout from ew so she could keep the family home.
He was/is struggling with mortgage and has put the cottage up for sale and when ever i have brought up the subject of living together he has always said wait until cottage sold
It is under offer at last so i have obviously started looking at what we can afford etc however this week he said that when the sale goes through he plans to use the money to buy his son a house near uni and rent out the other rooms to students for income.He says he will probably move in with his mum until this makes money then look at getting something together then
everyone is telling me he is stalling
he really does not want the conversation with me about this and says he is doing what ir right for his son
what should i do
Thank you

OP posts:
Musomathsci · 12/08/2012 12:31

He is stalling, sorry.

omfgkillmenow · 12/08/2012 12:33

Ask him outright "do you want us to move in together?" It sounds like you assumed he would but he has never actually said he wants to?

MushroomSoup · 12/08/2012 12:34

He is stalling but it doesn't mean he doesn't want your relationship. It means he doesn't want the joint financial implications which I think is understandable - once bitten, twice shy etc.
Is it so important to you that you live together?

MsKayGee · 12/08/2012 12:35

For whatever reason, he doesn't want to live with you.

minmooch · 12/08/2012 12:39

I am sorry but I feel he can do what he wants with his money and do what is right for his son.

If you were married and/or had dc with him then it would be a decision that you would have both talked about and hopefully resolved together.

He maybe stalling but also maybe doing what he feels is right for his son. If you do not feel comfortable about this you need to discuss it with him.

izzyizin · 12/08/2012 12:39

If he's going to be putting his son through university his plan sounds sensible, but the fact that he's saying he intends to move in with his dm rather than ask if he can move into your rented flat suggests that he really isn't into you.

If I were you, providing he's gib I'd keep him as a fuck buddy and keep my options open with regard to om and I'd be totally upfront with him about his new status in my life.

But if you're hung up on him I suggest you end it because it ain't gong anywhere in this lifetime and you'll end up regretting wasting so much of your valuable time on a man who's not willing to commit to you.

TheDreadedFoosa · 12/08/2012 12:40

It may not be stalling because he doesnt want the relationship to progress but maybe he has different views to you re finances and stuff?

When you talked about getting a place together, how would that have worked? Bought or rented? In both names or just his? How would it have been funded?

Is it possible he saw it all as financially messy but you had rose coloured specs on?

Whatever it is he should be being honest and upfront with you.

Original poster
olympicgirl · 12/08/2012 13:16

Thank you
tbh we have never had an indepth discussion, because it was always no point in discussing it until cottage is sold, i assumed it would be pooling of our finances and see what we could afford.My flat is very much a single flat, would be very tight for 2 and no where if his son wanted to visit
i feel stuck, he does feel he was ripped of financially by his ew when she bought him out of the family home but he has never said we won't live together just we will have to wait until cottage sold, and now it almost is it seems he has differant plans :(

OP posts:
Original poster
olympicgirl · 12/08/2012 14:16

How long is it reasonable to wait in a relationship to move intogether , at this rate it will be another 2-3 years and then i think living together then has the potential to be difficult as we get stuck in out own ways,
I really thought this was it, feel bit angry towards son who doesn't like me any way.
When we are togehter we really get enough but so long as we do not discuss anything emotional in depth.He says he cares very much for me
i am so gutted, i had been looking through next and Marks and planning rooms etc, he must have seem me doing it
sorry for the rant

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 12/08/2012 14:21

Being angry towards his son is completely out of order.

handstandCrabForwardRollGold · 12/08/2012 14:25

I would think after two years seeing as though you are both adults you would be in an informed position to decide to move in together, keep it as is or move on. I can't imagine a grown man wanting to move in with his mum rather than his girlfriend if he was planning to live together in the future.

I think you need to accept that this is what your relationship is and/or move on if what you are looking for is a man you can share your whole life with.

TheDreadedFoosa · 12/08/2012 14:34

Realistically, how much would you be adding to the 'pool' financially? You say the logistics havent been discussed but he may well have already worked them out and decided its too risky?

Just thinking that if all these plans you had would require a lot more of his finances than yours, and youre not married so no kind of agreement to be together foever, then i think maybe he is just being sensible and not wanting to tangle up his affairs with someone hes been with only two years. I know two years feels a lot but it really isnt.

Is he older than you?

girlonabicycle · 12/08/2012 14:34

he may be stalling but also he may just be trying hard to get himself out of financial mess/ or make back some money after ending up badly off following split with his ex.

My perspective on this is that my child is about to go to Uni in London in sept and i can't begin to tell you how expensive rents are , halls of residence are sky high ,same for a room as i pay on rent for my 2 bed flat, (i'm south coast in a popular nice area an hour from London)- we just cannot afford that. My child will likely end up in a not great area, but i won't let them go anywhere actually dangerous. Also rental agreements we are finding are all for a 12 month contract, so they pay throughout the summer holidays- even if they come back home (unless they sublet). It is a very hard position to be in as a parent, you want a safe stable environment for your child to be in. I would love to be in the position of being able to buy a property for DC to move into , i'd get rent, they'd be safe and with a good landlord!

TenaPenny · 12/08/2012 14:35

the fact you cant talk about this shows how weird your relationship is.
bin him and move on

Houseofplain · 12/08/2012 14:35

You've got no right tobe angry with the son.

He's just not that into you. Two years? He's stalling you much like a man to an ow....when the kids have left, when they've done uni, she. The mortgage has ended, etc, etc, etc.

Either end it or, accept this is it.

MrMiyagi · 12/08/2012 14:44

He doesn't want to live with you, yet. You need to find out why. (Though were I in his shoes, a tendency towards unreasonable anger at my son would be a damn good reason to "stall").

Original poster
olympicgirl · 12/08/2012 15:02

OMG no anger towards his son is a comment on here i have not and would not say that to him
i just felt i could move on with our life and yet again it is either something to do with son or even ew that seems to stop up but the cottage selling i finally thought my luck was in and this would be where we could start properly our life together
please don't think i bear his son any ill will. I have never met him as he blames me for the end of his parents marriage but i would love to get to know him ans ensure we bought a home where he could feel at ease and welcome

OP posts:
RecklessRat · 12/08/2012 15:29

He doesn't want to move in with you.

His plan for his son sounds sensible to me and he is unselfishly doing what is right for his child, which in my view is the right thing to do. You do seem to hold some anger and resentment towards his son, despite your denials, which perhaps your partner has picked up on? Even if you haven't said anything to him about it, he's probably noticed.

I think you have to accept that it's time to move on. It doesnt sound as if you discuss important subjects properly together so communication is clearly an issue. If you've spent two years together I doubt this will improve.

bloodyfurious · 12/08/2012 15:33

he doesnt want to be in a serious relationship with you,he "cares for you" isnt he loves you

get out of this while you still have some self respect

bloodyfurious · 12/08/2012 15:35

actually you shouldnt be contemplating living with a man who doesnt love you and you cant talk to

rightchoice2 · 12/08/2012 15:49

He probably has not incentive. If you are always available, just like you were married, share a bed together with him staying at yours when ever he wants, unless he is thinking of lifetime commitment why would he want to tie up all his money (again) after extracting himself so recently. Your relationship is what it is, some relationships are just that, good for now, but not going anywhere, because they have already arrived. The thought of you and him 'moving forward' probably is the last thing on his mind, otherwise for sure he would have told you.

My advice, ask yourself if you like the arrangement too, if now how did it get to this point without you taking charge of what you want. If it is not how you want to live, make a decision, have a good heart to heart; you certainly cant force him to buy with you as that would be a recipe for disaster. It is almost as difficult if not more to extract yourself from a joint house purchase as it is to get diviorced. Dont beg, don't tell him how to treat you, watch how he treats you and you decide from there.

dequoisagitil · 12/08/2012 15:50

If he says he cares a lot about you, that's nice, but it's not the same as saying he loves you, is it? I don't think you're on the same page.

Original poster
olympicgirl · 12/08/2012 15:54

thank you for the comments.our relationship is difficult to exlpain we see each other every other weekend, we get on fantastically we never argue (if i'm honest the physical side is not fantastic )but he seems my solemate and i do really see us being together for a long time
maybe we can achieve this without living together , its just i thought that was our next step

Thank You

OP posts:
bloodyfurious · 12/08/2012 15:58

you get on well because you are accepting his limitations and emotional coldness, my guess is you arre/were OW and think this is all you deserve out of a misplaced sense of guilt

JUbilympiX · 12/08/2012 16:05

If you want a long term committed relationship, hearts and flowers etc, then this sn't te man - at the moment. How long you may have to wait for him to be ready to make a commitment again, no one knows, including him. It may be never.

Do you want to take the risk? Bearing mind that quite often people will have a 'transitional' relationship after a broken marriage, so he may settle with someone else entirely in the end.

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