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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

not sure what this means for our relationship

49 replies

olympicgirl · 12/08/2012 12:30

Hello
i have been with DP for 2 years .I have a rented flat and he has a cottage he bought with a payout from ew so she could keep the family home.
He was/is struggling with mortgage and has put the cottage up for sale and when ever i have brought up the subject of living together he has always said wait until cottage sold
It is under offer at last so i have obviously started looking at what we can afford etc however this week he said that when the sale goes through he plans to use the money to buy his son a house near uni and rent out the other rooms to students for income.He says he will probably move in with his mum until this makes money then look at getting something together then
everyone is telling me he is stalling
he really does not want the conversation with me about this and says he is doing what ir right for his son
what should i do
Thank you

OP posts:

RindersGoesForGold · 12/08/2012 16:05

You have been together for 2 years and he says he plans to move in with his mother rather than live with you. He has a son who you have never met (after 2 years!). And, the sex is rubbish.

I am sorry, but from where I'm sitting, this relationship is not one of soulmates. I would suggest to you to move on, but I very much doubt you will listen as its not what you want to hear.

JustFabulous · 12/08/2012 16:06

Is this really want you thought it would be like when you imagined being all loved up and in a relationship?

Why do you feel angry towards his son as you clearly do and are blaming him for the fact you are not shopping for bed sheets and pans together. It isn't the son's fault. It is your part time lovers fault.

RindersGoesForGold · 12/08/2012 16:09

Why do you only see each other every other weekend? You haven't met his son, but have you met other members of his family? His friends?

How old are you? I take it you don't have children? Would you like them in the future? Why does his son blame you for his parents breaking up do you think? Why do you feel so little from a man is enough for you?

Original poster

olympicgirl · 12/08/2012 16:12

In fairness i guess i was OW he left his wife and family for me but this was a very hard decision for him but we do get on well , with his ew they were alway arguing, he hated coming home and he loves the way we get on, no arguments, just enjoy each others company, i really thought the next step was moving into gether

OP posts:

bloodyfurious · 12/08/2012 16:14

he is taking the piss out of you and you are allowing it

get some self respect and get out of this, you were a get out clause, otherwise he would be living with you

he doesnt love you and if he doesnt by now he never will

bloodyfurious · 12/08/2012 16:15

every other weekend after 2 years, can you really not see this is wrong?

Ormiriathomimus · 12/08/2012 16:44

Sounds like a loving father to me doing the best for his son.

Hesterton · 12/08/2012 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

olympicgirl · 15/08/2012 09:55

Well after all that house sale has fallen through and neither of us seems to want to start the long term future discussion, it could take ages for house to sell now

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 15/08/2012 10:06

The house sale is irrelevant. If he's planning on moving in with his mother, he could equally move in with you, and could have done so at any time.

The uni investment sounds like a good plan, but that has nothing to do with him choosing to live with his mum rather than with you.

Also v odd that he left his wife/ family/ home etc to see you once a fortnight. It's easy to get on and not argue with somebody you see twice a month.

Helltotheno · 15/08/2012 11:20

OP you're not actually taking on board what people are saying to you. You've convinced yourself that this is right for you when in fact, everything that's happened and everything you've said on the thread makes it clear that he's not interested in you the same way (re moving in together etc) and that the relationship isn't that great anyway.

He doesn't want commitment, just a shag buddy or whatever. Don't read any more into it. Also, you broke up his marriage so don't expect to be able to build a relationship with his kids any time soon. Not to be harsh but you need to open your eyes a bit.

bloodyfurious · 15/08/2012 11:24

He is using you.

Every other weekend is not a committed long term relationship.

Get some self-respect and move on.

needsomeperspective · 15/08/2012 11:30

He is rightly putting his (probably fairly battered) family before you.

A relationship built on a once every 2 week meeting is not one which I imminently about to be one of cohabitation. If you're about to move in together you're spending most of your time together anyway - unless it's a LDR.

Wake up and smell the coffee. You're a dalliance not a prospective second wife.

Original poster

olympicgirl · 15/08/2012 11:33

Sorry realised i did not make it clear in my posting we live oppisite ends of the country which is why we cannot see so much of each other and if i am honest why buying something together is the obvious next step, his mother lives near his son

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 15/08/2012 11:34

Right, still in denial....

Offred · 15/08/2012 11:35

My perception is that you are one of those people who plans life and relationships to a timescale "after 2 years we should move in together" etc people move in together when they both want to live together, this could be 1 month or ten years. I don't understand why you would feel angry with the son or think him or Ew were preventing you moving in together, the only reason he isn't moving in with you is because he doesn't want to.

It doesn't sound like you have a great relationship at all, it sounds as if you don't discuss anything with each other, you lead separate lives and think you are having a completely different kind of relationship with each other than the other one thinks they are having.

Numberlock · 15/08/2012 11:36

Just wondering why you only get to see each other every other weekend, is this due to distance?

I personally don't get the whole soulmates thing but if I did, it wouldn't be someone where the physical side wasn't fantastic.

needsomeperspective · 15/08/2012 11:37

So you expect him to move to the opposite side of the country to be with you and away from his son?

Really?

You've already been the catalyst for dad not being around all the time and you now think he should see even LESS o his son by moving into your place. How considerate you are.

Offred · 15/08/2012 11:45

And if he left his family for you then I'm not surprised the son wants nothing to with you. He probably wouldn't if he had met you either if you are the kind of OW who falls hook line and sinker for the "wife doesn't understand me but you do" shit and blames his wife and son for his lack of interest in her, plans rooms in the house he will buy her with his money from his house without him ever indicating she is more than a mistress...

bloodyfurious · 15/08/2012 11:49

It gets worse and worse OP - my guess is there were serious problems in his marriage and you were his distraction while he got out.

The real issue is the fact you can't talk to each other - my dh is the other half of me - and I can tell him/talk to him about anything.

Are you younger than your partner?

DontmindifIdo · 15/08/2012 11:49

OP - it's been 2 years, his life is in an different part of the country, his DS is obviously more important than you, and quite frankly, that's how it should be.

If you want to be with him, then you need to be prepared to move close to your DP. If you don't want to move, then accept your relationship will only be on a 'every other weekend' basis until his DS is at least 18. That is your choice. He has made it clear he isn't going to move away to be near you, he's made his choice.

Now, if you feel you could move to his area, have you suggested moving in with him near where he lives? Or, renting near him so you can at least start dating a bit more regularly.

If you want a man who can move to the other end of the country to be with you, then you shouldn't choose a man who has a family who's location he can't change. If you want a man who will put you first, then you shouldn't have picked someone who has a family.

solidgoldbrass · 15/08/2012 11:54

He's Not That Into You. He may even have another girlfriend or two in his home town. Also, the sex is not that great, he won't talk to you - just how desperate are you not to be single if you are clinging on to this uninterested man?

MissFaversam · 15/08/2012 12:12

I can just hear all the utter bollox false promises tumbling out of this gob.

Sweetheart this is what you get when you dabble with a man wanting out of a marriage and using you to do so.

Learn from this. Make sure the next man you meet has closed one door before you try to squeeze him through another.

JennerOSity · 15/08/2012 12:21

Maybe he is wary of sharing finances again with anyone again.
Perhaps he loves you but likes his own space and a certain amount of distance for whatever reason.
Maybe he is putting his investment property plans first as needs to be thinking about retirement income.
maybe he is considering his children's feelings on the matter - it isn't as if he has a responsibility free existance as he may have if you'd met 20 years previously.

If you were looking it homeware stuff and he let you, but a proper (in depth) conversation had never been had, maybe he just didn't know how to tackle it (bit soft but wouldn't be the first)

DH and I were together 3 years before we were ready to live together - I don't think that is unusual.

I think you should just ask him how he sees your future together working practically and emotionally, then you can see if it is close enough to your own vision and if you can live with it.

Nothing beats proper communication in this situation.

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