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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Opinions please re swinging nightmare

38 replies

80slass · 12/08/2012 01:25

Hi any help/opinions would be appreciated please. I've been married for 10 years with 1 dc and always known my dh fantasised about us swinging. I've never been into this however ive encouraged his fantasies verbally during sex as otherwise he would struggle to come. This does blur boundaries I suppose although I've never given him cause to doubt my loyalty although he has had at least one affair in the past.
Anyway tonight we went out with a couple who are our friends and have been for many years. I've heard rumours in the past that this couple have a bit of an open marriage but I've never really believed it as I had no reason to do so. Anyway I don't know what changed tonight but the wife really came onto me. I was horrified but made it clear I wasn't interested. However while she was propositioning me (for want of a better phrase) my dh came in and made it clear he was interested in having sex with her while she was having sex with me. I was horrified and said 'sorry to disappoint you both but I'm not interested' (or something along those lines) and then ran off to my room. He said 'leave it xxxx, she doesn't want it', then got rid of them and came up to me.
Given his past history of affairs my instinct is to leave him (if I had been on mumsnet in 2005 when he had his last ea we wouldn't have been together now) however his defence (!) (and he is very gutted) is that he thought I was into it too (although I think my body language was absolutely the opposite)
I'm gutted. The only thing stopping me kicking his sorry arse out right now is wondering if the blurring of the boundaries mentioned above has confused things and made him think I am into something I am definitely not. I would be grateful for any opinions as two hours ago I thought I was very happily married. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
80slass · 12/08/2012 01:26

Can I add that we were all pretty drunk (although I feel I've sobered up quickly)

OP posts:
sleeplessinsuburbia · 12/08/2012 01:30

Something like that should have been discussed with you beforehand. What you say during sex is irrelevant.
Sounds like it was planned to get you drunk and see if you'd go for it. Tell him. Lucky you were strong enough to not give in.

Musomathsci · 12/08/2012 01:33

Clearly he's still very much into the whole swinging idea, and I don't think he's going to drop it. He's already had one affair, and now this... How much more are you willing to tolerate?
Sorry, sounds horrid for you. Drunkenness / blurred boundaries are just excuses. He basically wants this and you don't. Time for a serious talk in the cold light of day.

Original poster
80slass · 12/08/2012 01:33

Thanks sleepless. He swears blind it was not premeditated (which would make it even worse in my opinion) and that he just saw his chance and took it. I do wonder if I'm being a complete fool here

OP posts:
carernotasaint · 12/08/2012 01:34

I agree with sleepless. its obvious that theyve planned this between them. The "leave it she doesnt want it" comment screams the fact that this was premeditated.

Original poster
80slass · 12/08/2012 01:36

Thanks mus, food for thought. You're right. I thought it was just a fantasy. Feel like I've lost a husband and a friend tonight

OP posts:
AhCmonSeriouslyNow · 12/08/2012 01:37

Maybe I missed something but it sounds to me that your husband reacted perfectly fine once you made it clear you weren't interested so his only crimes are thinking you might be interested and the affair. From what you say, the affair is in the past and his thinking you might be interested on swinging sounds like a bit of miscommunication between you two as you indulged the fantasies but he maybe thought you were more into it than that.

What makes you think you should end your marriage 'cause of this incident? Do you think swinging for him and you will be a deal-breaker for the 2 of you at this point?

Original poster
80slass · 12/08/2012 01:38

Thanks carer you've said exactly what my instinct was although he denies it. I'm such a fool

OP posts:
Original poster
80slass · 12/08/2012 01:41

Hi c'mon and thanks for a different POV. Yes his affair is in the past and I haven't had cause to mention it for more than 5 years now. He hasn't put a foot wrong since. I just feel let down as now I have proof that he would have sex with someone else(albeit with my knowledge) and that's not something I would tolerate

OP posts:
lowprofiler · 12/08/2012 01:42

Sounds to me like he was in cahoots with the other woman which is a bit disturbing as it means they have been pre-planning this behind your back. I'd try and get to the bottom (pardon the pun) of what exactly appeals to your DH about swinging and why he is so keen for you to get into it. A sober chat in daylight hours would be a good thing. Could you also talk to the OW and ask her if they had discussed it. You could say "listen I was a bit taken aback by how things panned out the other night, had there been some sort of discussion about it..." or something along these lines. Will also give you the opportunity to clear the air with her.

AhCmonSeriouslyNow · 12/08/2012 01:42

I agree, though, it does sound planned which does make it a big more unpleasant on their part but it does seem like they were not pushy - esp not your husband - which is good.

Talk will be required but I don't think it has to be the end if you are otherwise happy

lowprofiler · 12/08/2012 01:45

Just thought I'd add I don't know many swingers but the few I'm aware of, both parties are compliant and in your case, you clearly aren't comfortable with it.

Original poster
80slass · 12/08/2012 01:46

Thanks Low but I don't think I'll be friends with the 'ow' (as a long time lurker that hurts) any more- she said things like she has fancied me from day one and I must have known etc etc and it has changed things. She came up to me briefly before she left and said he didn't know anything about it and I was inclined to believe her ( but what do I know about anything?)

OP posts:
Original poster
80slass · 12/08/2012 01:48

Thanks for the last two posts- I think I may have given the impression I'm into it (to him not her) and I now know I'm definitely not.

OP posts:
lowprofiler · 12/08/2012 01:49

Well you have got to be very bold and have a free and frank discussion with your DH.

lowprofiler · 12/08/2012 01:51

Personally I wouldn't be into swinging as I wouldn't want to share the one I love with other people AND get it on publicly but each to their own. There are plenty of people who would and do.

MyinnergoddessisatLidl · 12/08/2012 02:10

It's not my bag, but I do respect it's others.

The important thing to establish here is whether it's yours, or whether you'd be compromising your beliefs to keep your husband.

Make yourself very clear, if you were only engaging in fantasies in the bedroom to get him to perform, he needs to know. Although I suspect he already knows this and might be manipulating the information to put you in a corner.

I have to say, if I was having a normal evening of drinks and a friends wife behaved like that, I think my husbands reaction would have been a bit different. It sounds like he had at least primed her with some information on bedroom fantasy.

Original poster
80slass · 12/08/2012 02:14

Thanks goddess its not for me and I'm not prepared to compromise for him. Finding out if it was premeditated is key for me.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 12/08/2012 02:41

You've known the couple for years and, even though the wife has allegedly fancied you for years, she suddenly comes on to you tonight which suggests that your h gave her the green light after some prior discussion with her on an indeterminate date.

And she denied any such conversation had taken place'? To paraphrase a famous saying, 'Well she would, wouldn't she?' T

The fact that she was a pains to assure you, unasked, that no prior discussion had taken placed between and your h speaks for itself.

If your h can only get his rocks off by fantasising about swinging, I suspect he has engaged in this activity at some point - perhaps before you met - and that he's got a porn habit a viewer of threesomes/foursomes/group sex on the net which he accesses via his computer/laptop or phone.

As for his alleged EA of some years ago, I very much doubt that this would have been a purely emotional affair.

It seems to me you need to do some serious thinking around whether you can stay 'very happily' married after tonight and then engage in a frank exchange of views with your h over the next few day/weeks.

arghhhmiddleage · 12/08/2012 02:44

I think if you've given him the impression that you are into it, as you said in an earlier post, you need to be realistic about how you approach this. If that's the case, he hasn't done anything so wrong, premeditated or not. It's ok to wonder, it's ok to back out, and it's ok to carry on. I'm not sure it's ok to wonder, back out, then get the heebeejeebees because someone gave you the option.

50shadesofslapntickle · 12/08/2012 07:30

You say he has had at least one affair you know about and you think this is a happy marraige? It doesn't sound like you know him much at all in some ways?

ErikNorseman · 12/08/2012 07:47

Is he alleging that swinging couple had no idea that he was into swinging too? That she randomly propositioned you, while your DH was present, with no idea of how either of you would respond? Rubbish. At the very least, there must have been a conversation between your DH and this couple to indicate that you both would be receptive to the idea.
I have to say, if he struggles to come without fantasising about swinging then that's a full on fetish and it's not easy to sustain a good sex life when you don't share a fetish.

Lizzabadger · 12/08/2012 07:49

Oh yuck. How horrible of them to try to manipulate you into this. You don't sound happily married to me.

BlackberryIce · 12/08/2012 11:28

What was this woman's husband doing? Where was he...

HeleninaGoldChariot · 12/08/2012 11:44

OP if you suspect your DH set this up in some way, you are probably correct. Trust your gut instinct here, none of this feels right to you and you have good reason to feel this way from both his track record and preferences.

If this is the case, it is a massive betrayal of your trust, your DH has effectively thrown you up as meat to others to get his own kicks. Vile.

Maybe it is time to tell him he tells you everything, including the full story about the EA and any others (although who knows if he will) if there is any chance of you staying together. Even if he doesn't come clean, his attitude will probably be speak volumes to you. You can then decide whether you want him in your life.

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