My Mum, my sister and me, Help!

[caramel1]

This could be long, so I apologise in advance.

My Mum has been diagnosed with MND, so she wants me and my sister to get on.

The trouble is, my sister has never liked me, for as long as I can remember. When she fell pregnant with my niece, I tried to build a bridge because I had my son first. Nope not interested.

She moved to Leeds, I moved an hour and a half away from her and invited her over. Nope a mattress delivery was more important.

In 2005 dad died unexpectedly from cancer, I was there, she wasn't, I tried to build bridges. Nope, not interested.

In 2008 I split from my husband and ended up with clinical depression, she ended up with Bipolar2 (supposedly). It got to the point where she was one of my triggers.

Last year, she and her husband split up, I sided with him because I knew how she was (plus he's our cousin). I think she thought I was after him

During this time I finally flipped, called her all sorts and told my Mum that after 20 years of trying I'm not doing it any more. She can do the bridge building.

So today I see my Mum and as she left she told me that my sister id due to come down for a week at the end of August, would I come over and see her. I'm like, I don't know, I'll see how I feel and it's very difficult to build bridges with someone who doesn't want to know.

I don't know what to do, I know that what Mum wants is a good thing, but I've had my efforts slung back at me for so long I don't want the rejection anymore.

I'm sitting here, typing this and am on the verge of tears. I've always wanted a proper big sister, but even when we were at school she never looked out for me.

I do want to try, but I don't want to be the one who starts it off.

What do I do?

Your sister should be the one asking for reconciliation not your mum so it doesn't sound too promising.

Who is telling you what sis says/does? eg that she said she had bipolar. that she thought you were after her ex.

It sounds as if you are getting info about her second hand and forming views on what you hear which is not such a good idea.

Do you think this is going to wreck your own health if you do try a reconciliation.
No the reconciliation is unlikely to work,but if it wont harm you,then I think you should attempt it for your mothers sake.
You will have seen to have tried.
You and your sister could also try being pleasant to each other in front of your mother.That would help her feel more peaceful.

Nobody is telling me what she does, she has used facebook and her mobile to threaten me, her diagnosis came just after stephen fry did his documentary and now she's supposedly better.

It's already affecting me. I don't know whether I can be nice to her infront of Mum.

What does your mum say about your sister?
Does she think that the sun shines out of her,or is she fully aware of her faults?

It doesn't bode well ime. I'm no expert in mental health but some people have difficult lives which appear to be entirely their doing, they are 'ill' and lose their jobs, they are reckless and have no money, they are unhappy and it's all someone else's fault, never theirs. I don't know why this happens but possibly your sister is one of these and her 'problems' are blamed on you.

And ime these people don't change so I don't think there will be a reconciliation unless she changes and decides she wants one. So I would say sorry to your mum because as things are you don't feel there is any point trying reconciliation (only if you agree with my post!)

I would say give it a go - you have told your mum that its up to her and now she is doing something about it. But have strategies in place and talk to your mum about this first. For example, decide in advance how long you can stay (start with something you can manage - an hour?) and ask you mum not to pressurise you to stay longer. If its going well, you can indicate that you will stay a bit longer. Keep the conversation neutral rather than trying to get it all fixed in one go - that isn't going to happen.

She married her cousin? I thought that was illegal.

It's a very hard thing to come to the final decison that you are done.

Maybe this could be your last try, do this and then draw a line under it? For the sake of your own mental health.

That way you can please your mum and then get the most out of the experience to get closure for yourself if you don't get anywhere with your sister.

I think that if it did not affect my mental health I would give it one last go.

However, could you write her a letter and try and work out WHY she dislikes you so much?

It would bug me to hell to know my sister hated me sooo much and not know the reason why.

If you do go, you know you will have tried. If she is vile again, ditch her.

Does your Mum know the problem?

Do you think your sister is jealous of you?

Fairenuff
It's legal

Fairenuff It became legal to marry cousins in 1975. I know this because I looked it up.

The last time I texted my sister, I asked her why she hated me so much. She had even told her cousin some nasty stuff about me, but since they have split he has discovered that I'm not what she says I was.

She may well be jealous, I'm not sure why though. The only thing I can think of is that I live closer to Mum than she does, but even that doesn't make sense because I only see Mum once or twice a month if I'm lucky. Another reason I don't go round when she's there is because I feel that they should time together without me there, but I'm still, selfish and horrible.

She told my 2nd xh that I was childish once and that I should be treated like a child, this was after I'd had a complete melt down with him because he wouldn't listen.

I have a 7 year old son and the one thing that TERRIFIES me is, having a melt down and being unable to function enough to look after him. He doesn't see his Dad and I have no other family close by who could help.

I think I need to focus on other stuff, it doesn't help that my boy is on holiday with his other cousin.

I do need to speak to Mum, do I tell her that I'm worried that this will push me over the edge?

I would tell your mum that you understand what she's trying to do, but you want to stay away when diss is there as you know the atmosphere will be uncomfortable at least, devastating at best and you'd rather both you and your mum to avoid that unnecessary stress.
Also at this time does your mum really want to risk being dragged into a long standing argument between her daughters and potentially have to side with one of you if any discussion does ensue when she's there?
That's not to mention the fact that your health us impeded and potentially your sisters too. It's seems best for all around for you and dsis to keep your distance tbh.

I would tell her,but you havent said what your mums opinion of your sister is.

Thanks for clarifying the cousin thing. I have also been wondering what you mum thinks about your sister.

Whatever, there is no point in making yourself ill over this. If you want to try and build bridges that can be done another time, when you are stronger. I think you need to take care of yourself first.

I think she believes everything she tells her. When I explained to Mum, about all the stuff my sister had done, she went immediately on the defensive on her behalf. Everybody has to tiptoe around my sister in case she gets upset.

She has also defended my niece, who has always been a nightmare, to the point of getting my oldest son in trouble for something that was not his fault.

The only positive is that my nephew and my 7 yr old get on really well.

They both have very similar temperaments, very materialistic whereas I tend to be more family orientated.

Thankyou everyone for your input.

In which case,take care of yourself first.
After that,if you can be nice to her in front of your mother,ok.
If not,you know why not,and the reasons why not.

My mum and dad were cousins married 1969 so was legal before 75

It doesn't sound entirely one sided to me tbh but if you don't want to reconcile you need to tell your mum sooner rather than later.

offred How do you mean its not one sided? I have spent the last 30 years trying to build bridges with my sister, trying to get on with her, trying to be there for her and be a shoulder to lean on in times of conflict only to have it either ignored or thrown back in my face.

When my Mum and Dad split up, when I was 17, I tried to have a conversation with my sister about it. At the time I hated Mum, she told me she didn't want to talk about it.

How many of you, who have sisters, go out clubbing together, watch each others backs, argue and make up? I've never had that, not even when we were kids.

She probably hated the fact that I was born and has carried that resentment around with her ever since.

I would love to reconcile with my sister, but history says it won't work, not even with the death of a parent. I'm just not sure I could go through with pretending to reconcile until Mum dies, then be pushed away again.

It rarely is entirely one sided and you took sides in her marriage break up, are snobby about her choice of husband, her mental health problems and her child. You come across as having the belief that she is entirely wrong and you have been a perfect sister even though in your own words there are ways you have behaved that are less than perfect.

If my sister spoke about me the way you do about her I would not want to be around her either, taking sides against her in a marriage break up is pretty hard to forgive in my book.

I do agree with Offred that it probably isn't one-sided. You say you sided with her exH because you know what she's like. That's the same as her saying you are a child to your exH.

I have a sister, we love each other but we don't always like each other. Looking at my own experience I would say that you probably both trigger each other, you each think the other is the problem and neither of you really understands the root cause of your issues, the foundations for your relationship were probably laid in childhood. It's complex and not always possible to resolve. My own mum died without ever having reconciled with her older sister.

My sister and I both work hard to get on these days and it starts with exploring the root cause of our tense relationship (for us extereme sibling rivalry tied up with our relationship with our mum!) and then acknowledging that we have both behaved badly towards each other. We find it much easier to apologise to one another now instead of defending our position to the bitter end.

Snobby with her choice of husband, Fuck off! He's my cousin and we have always got on well. She was beginning to go down the same route as his ex, denying him access to his son and after every penny she could get, why shouldn't I support him when no one else was, why shouldn't I tell him to see a solicitor ASAP. Her mental health problems as far as I am concerned are there, but I do not believe she has bipolar, since she broke up with her OH she says she is better and no longer has to take any tablets, I know that you never get rid of bipolar!

Her daughter is a nightmare, always has been and as far as I am concerned, when someone deliberately gets another person in trouble, that is unforgivable.

Her son, however is a good lad, hard work and always busy, but a lovely child, he and my son get on really well.

I have never said I am perfect, I have no idea what went wrong, I want to know, but as yet, even when asked outright, she won't tell me.

As I said before I have spent over 20 years trying to get somewhere with her and have not succeeded. The only thing she has ever done is pretend there is nothing wrong when we are together but bad mouth me to other people behind my back.

My Mental health is more important to me and so is my son, than some feud with my sister, yes I could apologise, but failed miserably when our Dad died, what incentive do I have?

Sounds like you've already made up your mind what you're going to do - or not. Are you just looking for validation on here?