My Mum, my sister and me, Help!

[caramel1]

This could be long, so I apologise in advance.

My Mum has been diagnosed with MND, so she wants me and my sister to get on.

The trouble is, my sister has never liked me, for as long as I can remember. When she fell pregnant with my niece, I tried to build a bridge because I had my son first. Nope not interested.

She moved to Leeds, I moved an hour and a half away from her and invited her over. Nope a mattress delivery was more important.

In 2005 dad died unexpectedly from cancer, I was there, she wasn't, I tried to build bridges. Nope, not interested.

In 2008 I split from my husband and ended up with clinical depression, she ended up with Bipolar2 (supposedly). It got to the point where she was one of my triggers.

Last year, she and her husband split up, I sided with him because I knew how she was (plus he's our cousin). I think she thought I was after him

During this time I finally flipped, called her all sorts and told my Mum that after 20 years of trying I'm not doing it any more. She can do the bridge building.

So today I see my Mum and as she left she told me that my sister id due to come down for a week at the end of August, would I come over and see her. I'm like, I don't know, I'll see how I feel and it's very difficult to build bridges with someone who doesn't want to know.

I don't know what to do, I know that what Mum wants is a good thing, but I've had my efforts slung back at me for so long I don't want the rejection anymore.

I'm sitting here, typing this and am on the verge of tears. I've always wanted a proper big sister, but even when we were at school she never looked out for me.

I do want to try, but I don't want to be the one who starts it off.

What do I do?

Probably.

My point is only that if you choose to do all that then don't come on making out that she is evil and you have done nothing but try. You are perfectly able to choose to do all those things but you can't have it both ways. You sound a right pair.

There is no law that says you have to get on with your sister but equally you don't have to make excuses and blame her entirely for the fact you don't get on with each other and as a consequence have both chosen not to have anything to do with each other anymore.

Offred,are you her sister?
I normally agree with what you write,but I cant see quite what you think the op has done wrong.
She has repeatedly tried to mend things with her sister,but there are some people who you could try to build bridges with for 200 years,and you still wouldnt get far.

I don't disagree. I'm just saying the things she has written do not match up with "all I've done is try but she is just horrible for no reason" which is what I thought the op is trying to make out. Fine not to be around people who affect your mental health, not necessary to make out you have done absolutely nothing to upset someone when you have. It stuck in my craw.

Offred Not once have I said she's evil. She has her issues, the same as I do. The difference between us, is that I accept I'm not perfect and have made mistakes.

Tell me how I'm supposed to right whatever wrongs there are between us when I don't know what they are.

There were times, quite often, when we were growing up, when we had the usual sibling crap. The only way I could deal with it was to lash out, she used to wind me up all the time and rely on the fact that I was too terrified of Mums reaction.

One instance, small but significant for me, my sister called me a cow, so I called her a bitch. No idea what started it off, but guess who got told off.

Maybe she thinks I'm the golden girl, not sure how though because I don't ever remember being the favoured one. It took me until I was 34 to tell my Mum that I was bullied at school, she was gobsmacked when I told her the reason I never said anything back then, was because I was afraid she would tell me off.

I could never get away with saying I was ill to get out of going to school, I had glandular fever when I was 12, instead of going to the dr my Mum decided to use some antibiotics from the vets where she worked, I was ill for a week before I saw a dr and I spent 6 months recovering from it.

I twisted my ankle once, Mum made me walk home and never took me to the dr for that either.

How does that make me the favoured one?

God, how I wish family life had been what everyone else terms as normal, I wish I still HAD a family.

What is your realtionship like with your mum now.
Sounds like your mum did not bring you both up in a "normal" way.
Have you looked on the long running toxic parents thread?

Sorry to burst your bubble, but there's no "normal" family. every one is a bit nasty on the inside.

But I don't think you need to find out why she doesn't like you, it doesn't really matter, does it? She doesn't. You aren't very fond of her actions, so call it even and don't subject yourself to her nastiness.

this is how many families resolve these types of issues, through avoidance and distance.

And if you Mum can't see that there're problems and wants you to effectively walk on a sprained ankle of emotions, then she can just do without your presence. You are an adult and can do what you like now.

This is what (in my experience) normal families do. Exactly what you are doing. You are normal.

I will tell you that I don't have much family, but my DH and friends make up for that. Family doesn't have to mean blood related, it can be bigger than that.

Yes, it sounds like, and I thought that it must be that, you have both had an insecure upbringing. I am not saying you need to maintain any kind of relationship with anybody. There are things you have written about that will undoubtedly have upset her, the way you write makes out like you actively deny any of that because you feel what you did to her was reasonable and justified. It may not be the case but it may also be the impression she is getting too and one reason you have not been able to fix it. Tbh none of it matters does it really? Why your sister makes you ill or why you have offended her so much she doesn't want to see you is irrelevant. Neither of you want to make up. I suspect you are only trying because you are wanting to please your mum but you have demonstrated why this urge is not healthy.

You don't have to have anything to do with each other, you don't have to have anything to do with your mum or make up just because she wants it. You should be able to make your own choices about your own life. That is perfectly fine. However I do think you have listed a few ways that you have treated her badly and think of her badly and so it is not one sided.

I think what I will do is grin and bare it, then after Mum dies see what happens, although I won't be doing the bridge building this time.

Maybe we need one last face to face slanging match and move on from there.

Tell me how I'm supposed to right whatever wrongs there are between us when I don't know what they are

Maybe you could say something like 'I know we have not been getting on well and that makes me sad. If there is anything you want to talk about I'm willing to listen. I'm sorry for all the mean things I've ever said or thought about you. I would prefer us to be able to get along. If you think that's at all possible, I would like us to forgive each other and be friends. I have felt hurt and if you want to talk about that I will tell you. But if you would rather we leave the past behind us and start afresh, I am happy to do that too'.

But only say it if you mean it. If you need to talk about the past I think you should see a counsellor. Some people just cannot cope with other people's feelings.

You will need to be willing to accept that you may have said and done things that upset your sister, whether you agree with her or not. You will need to be prepared to validate her feelings.

But above all, if you really think that this will disturb your mental health, it is just not worth it. You do need to look after yourself first, so that you can look after your children.