It pays to be aloof, never make an effort, and to not bother with people

[Crosstraineraddict]

I am sick to the back teeth of being treated disrespectfully by people. I think I am too nice. I never get thanked by people when I do them favours. If I make a comment on someone's Facebook status or photograph mine will often get overlooked but others that reply get thanked profusely.

My best friend that I was at school with treats me disrespectfully too. She seems to have a certain tone that she uses with me and I can just tell she respects others more. She'll often speak badly to me or be snappy with me, yet she isn't like it with other people.

Those people that I do know that are aloof, and rarely make any effort with anyone, and just talk about themselves seem to have people flocking around them, everyone trying to be in with them, and everyone trying to be their best buddy.

I've always tried to treat others as I wish to be treated myself but I am very close to thinking stuff the lot of them and just not bother with anyone again. There doesn't seem much point when I get treated badly.

hmm, well, whilst I agree that some people have a kind of charisma that allows them to SEEMINGLY get away with treating other people disrespectfully, it certainly wouldn't work for ME! I have to be nice to people if I want them to be nice back to me. But then luckily I don't find that too hard.

There was a mum at my children's school who emigrated to America. I had honestly believed that people all universally adored her before she left. I used to think less of her myself for various reasons, she forgot to thank me at a fundraising event (But remember to thank all the movers and shakers) and because she had invited a close friend of mine to her party (only having known her a short time) but not me, knowing we were friends! also, she was always looking over my shoulder on the rare occasions she spoke to me. But for some reason I carried on 'trying' with her because I believed she was so popular and wonderful. I bought in to her own hype. Funny thing is, now she has left and so many people are relieved and whilst nobody has actually been trashing her, reticent admissions have been heard that perhaps she wasn't as wonderful as she believed everybody thought she was.

So,,,, my point is, even the people who SEEM to be getting away with being shallow and disrespectful can only treat people like poo for so long.

I don't think you have to play it cool - you have to be cool. If people are nasty to you and take you for granted then withdraw a bit and go and do your own thing - don't be so available for them. If they are being disrespectful or hurtful then it's about them not you - unhook yourself from caring and use the time to have a look at your own self esteem and do things you enjoy.

A person with a healthy sense of themselves might steer clear of poor behaviour, challenge it (the famous mumsnet 'did you mean to be so rude', or ignore it and rise above it. You have choices and knowing within yourself that you don't have to put up with any crap (because you value yourself and expect better) alters your attitude and body language on the outside and people sense it and are less likely to treat you badly.

wasn't it eleanor roosevelt who said something like 'people will only treat you how you expect to be treated'? (makes note to self)

I totally relate to what your saying, and yes, imho, the people I know who have people flocking around them to be their friends are the most self-centred, up-their-own-arse, talk to peple like shite because "I tell it how it is because I'm so fucking rude and lacking in people skills straight-talking" people ever.

I console myself by thinking yes, I have many flaws [many many flaws] but I'm basically a nice person, who likes to do kind things for people and not treat them like shit. I have very few good friends, but they're worth a million times more than the fawners.

If this is a problem you've encountered more than once then you need to look at how your own behaviour might be contributing to it. It might be that you've met more than your fair share of assholes but in that case you have to think about why you're attracted to people who just aren't nice. A relationship needs to be give and take right from the start - you can't make a person like you by serving them and doing them favours - you build a rapport first with mutual respect, that takes time, and then you help each other out.

If you do do something nice for someone you need to do it on the assumption that the favour won't be repaid. Not that you should assume that people are going to use you, but you need to do it out of genuine kindness and willingness to help someone because you like them and respect them, not because you want them to like you more or for them to owe you something. Basically you need to be on an equal footing with a friend - not kowtowing to them in order to gain favour.

Hi all

I just wanted to thank you all for your replies.

I think that yes, I am actually very very much to blame for the way I have been treated. Several reasons really: low self esteem, being desperate for people to like me, being afraid of being myself, taking things very personally when someone treats me badly rather than seeing it as their problem. I don't think I am very emotionally resilient at times in all honesty. I do things to ingratiate myself to people when really I need to take a step back and just be me, don't I?

I believe the above mean that I do attract an above average share of arseholes, and also people that don't seem to dare treat others in an arse-holeish way still treat me that way, probably because they can. Sorts of things I mean are things like cancelling at very short notice, excluding me from plans, speaking to me when they feel like it and ignoring me at other times, not thanking me if I do anything for them, just using me for favours but not bothering with me for anything else. A week ago 3 other friends mentioned us all going out for a drink last night (Friday). I said I would be up for it. One friend said she would contact me if they decided to go out. Didn't want to pester her so I didn't contact her as she said she would contact me. As I heard nothing I assumed the night out wasn't going ahead, until late last night I saw Facebook photographs they had put on there of the three of them in a pub last night. So they did go out, but they either forgot to tell me or deliberately didn't. But then I guarantee one in particular of these will be on the phone to me first of all the second she needs another favour.

I think I know the answer to my own questions really: I need to take a huge step back from everyone apart from my DH and DCs for a while, re-group, think about what I want in friendships and then move forward from there. At the moment I feel like I don't want anything to do with anyone ever again.

As soon as I see that people are desperate to be liked, it puts me straight off them. I just sense trouble and clinginess, I don't want to be in an emotionally-intense friendship with someone like that.

It's not that I like arseholes, I just prefer people who are less needy.

You do not 'forget' to invite a friend out a few days later - are they goldfish? Also you should be comfortable in phoning a friend if you haven't heard from them to ask what's happening - that is not 'pestering'. An evening out was talked about, you said you were interested, perfectly reasonable to phone for update. They don't sound very nice tbh and I wouldn't be available for any favours after treatment like that.

Think you are on the right track with considering your self esteem levels and why you put up with poor behaviour. Are you afraid of being on your own? You might like to do some reading on healthy boundaries and how to set them so that you will react appropriately when they are pushed. Are you following a pattern from childhood?

I relate to you totally OP.

I have reached the point where I would rather not have friends than be faced with social situations which hurt or confuse me eg friends cancelling or leaving me out.

My mother has very poor social skills (shes an intelligent woman but is a bit mental and very in denial) so I think its from lack of seeing her in social situations that has left me with no clue. She has no friends. And a very woe is me attitude.

I also have low self esteem. I remember starting secondary school and wondering where the other girls learnt how to act, what was acceptable etc.

Dont really have any advice, just wanted to let you know you arent alone!

Yes I think I am afraid in being on my own. I didn't have a very pleasant childhood, my parents used to tell me I was evil, and a horrible person and didn't seem to like me very much. I think that is where my low esteem and sense of self worth has come from. I feel like I've always just been very grateful whenever anyone wants to talk to me or be my friend and then I end up desperate for them to like me

wannabedomesticgoddess, it truly sounds as though we have the same mother!

I think you need to work on liking yourself before you worry if others will.

Also, if your family were mean to you as a child then you are maybe surrounding yourself with people who will treat you in a similar way. Either because thats all you think you deserve, or thats really all you are used to.

Yes I think that deep down I think that that is all I deserve and am worthy of

I think you need to be very brave and spend a month by yourself, just chat to strangers etc, if you can do two weeks holiday, you won't have anyone at work either. No fb, no, email, no text. Learn who you are and that its ok to spend time alone.

God what fuckers not inviting you after mentioning it? How old are they, 13?

If I were you I'd find some new hobbies/interests and mix with adult-minded people. I go to art classes and salsa jive and have met some great people there. Also I go to a church (Spiritualist) and have great friends there. Some arseholes too at all these places but I just avoid them as best I can. But what I'm saying is finding new avenues may help you find people on your own wavelength? And there's nothing wrong with being nice just don't be a pushover.

I've found since I moved away from my home town, some friends haven't bothered as much and I've detached myself from them because of it. A lot still do bother which is nice but you do find who your real friends are. They're the ones who ask how you're doing and don't just talk about themselves. The others come when they want something.

People can sniff out low self esteem and it frequently either a) puts them off getting to know that person as they might be a bit needy or draining, or just not good company OR b) means that they realise they have found someone they can take advantage of, or treat badly and they'll still come back for more, thus raising their own self esteem in a horrible way.

Of course there are lots and lots of people who DON'T act that way, but if you are busy wasting your time with people like those mentioned above, you won't get to know them.

I think your instinct to drop the lot of them is probably spot on, at least in the short term. Work on your self esteem, get out and do interesting things (learn a language, take up a hobby, go to a regular dance class etc) and realise that you don't need anyone else's approval because you are a nice person and you won't be messed with. Don't be in a hurry to do favours for people - in fact don't even think of doing anyone a favour for at least six months. Don't always be available for other people. Consider whether you like someone and whether you want to do anything they suggest before you rush to be friends/go out.

I hardly know any of these aloof, horrible sorts of people. I know that they exist but because I am happy within myself and surround myself with nice people that I want to know (and they mostly have nice friends and acqaintances), I don't meet many - and when I do, I don't wonder 'how do they do it'? but actively avoid them and their silly hangers on.

You sound like a nice person and I am sure that you will meet some like minded people

I think the above advice is excellent.

I think as someone who people have shown their true self to, I can now spot a nasty bastard a lot easier on someone who never had a full reveal.

Marking my place, as I am like OP.

Yanbu op, there are a lot of rude people about. Not inviting you on that night out after telling you about it was shitty. Is it just me or are people becoming more and more rude or am I just getting older and seeing more of it?! Where do you live op? I met a new 'friend' recently - she seems really nice and we arranged to meet up with the kids last week and on the day she said sorry she could not as was meeting one of her other friends! Eh?! We arranged this last week? Seemed really rude to me and I'm not sure if I want to make the effort again as I just don't get that kind of way of doing things? Am I overreacting?!
Whereabouts are u OP? Maybe you can find some nice people on here!

WRT to the going out thing - with my friends it's pretty normal for someone to mention going out, and then after that it's up to the rest of us to follow it up and check what the details are. I wouldn't expect my friends to chase after me and give me the details, I would ask them what the plan was.

Passive friends who don't say "Oi what's going on?" but just let things slide and then seethe about it are a massive pain in the arse. I'd much rather have a friend who says "look you pissed me off," so we could resolve the problem.

Hi all

Thanks for the replies since my last post.

50shades, I think that is very rude of your friend and it would put me off from wanting to meet her again.

CailinDana, I know what you are saying, and I probably would have called but the one organising said expessly "I will give you a call or a text if the night out goes ahead". Either way, these friends aren't always the nicest of people. They have done several things that haven't been nice to me. I think this is the final straw for me where they are concerned.

Hmm, I relate to this post. The thing is, if there is something in you that people don't warm to, what can you do, other than be lonely? What do you do when you think of yourself as sociable, but other people aren't interested? I found myself in the situation where my relationships were all one-sided and I was making all the effort with little or no response from them. I arranged nights out and parties and superficially had a great time. But I got fed up with never being invited back in return, made a decsion that I would not chase people any more and let them do the running(I found even my close friends left things for me to organise). Hey presto, zero socaial life! And this became a recurring pattern. I made new friends, but they left me to make the effort, I got fed up with things being one-sided and decided I coudln't keep doing the chasing, and I'm now left friendless again.

I'd like to put it down to them being shallow and I'm best off without them, but it's not true. There just seems to be something in me that people don't want to make an effort for.

Sorry I am adding to your post - empathising, I guess, rather than helping, but I just know from experince that 'losing the users' doesn't necessarily make you happier.

You said the nights out didn't give you that great a time though deep down. I spent many a night like that with people I was uncomfortable with, they aren't fun.

Make your own happiness.

Faultlines - use the extra time for you and do some things you really enjoy or get to know yourself better. You will be so busy having fun you won't be bothered about your social life and you'll probably head off in a new direction and meet people that you wouldn't have otherwise who may be more to your taste (and you to theirs). Being able to enjoy your own company gives you a great sense of independence and freedom - time for you is precious not something to be endured!

Faultlines - oh no, please Don't let a few nasty arsey type people let you think it's you! It's not you, there really are a lot of arses around!

Op - I think you are doing the right thing binning those people.