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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DO VIOLENT MEN EVER REALLY CHANGE???

51 replies

missscarlett · 09/03/2006 20:11

My bf has only been with her partner for two years and they've just bought a house together. He's a total w*nker and has been 'roughing her up' during drunken arguments -( threatening her, swearing pushing and shoving, got her round the throat a few times) from the beginning, but a few weeks ago actually ended up punching her and knocking her down and kicking her in the face. She's taken him back and seems convinced that he was so shocked and ashamed by his behaviour that he'll never do it again. Is it possible? Has anyone ever had just one really violent outburst from a partner who never did it again?

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 09/03/2006 20:12

My teenage boyfriend's brother was like this, I think. He hit his girlfriend once. She kicked him out of the house immediately. AFAIK, he didn't do it again.

I also had an ex who had hit a previous gf, but he was never ever violent with me, no matter how angry he was.

expatinscotland · 09/03/2006 20:12

IME, no.

expatinscotland · 09/03/2006 20:13

also, this fella's been abusing her - it sounds like - fairly frequently.

he won't change, but she will at this rate. she'll become a corpse.

Original poster
missscarlett · 09/03/2006 20:15

I don't think he will change either - particularly in light of fact that she was back with him beinbg all loved up within a week (and his previous form re: 'roughing her up). But how can I make her see this is something that's going to keep happening?

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NotQuiteCockney · 09/03/2006 20:16

He doesn't sound like he's going to change.

I don't think you can convince her of this, she will have to see it on her own. Unfortunately.

Original poster
missscarlett · 09/03/2006 20:17

also (pulls hair out) they're talking about having a baby

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gothicmama · 09/03/2006 20:18

you can't she has to see it for herself - never make her feel that she has to defend him or put her in a position where she feels she can't leave cos of pride (not that you would but she may feel this) abusers mess with emotions and friendships as well as being physical and this is teh damage taht takes longest to heal

Miriam2 · 09/03/2006 20:20

My father was violent to my mother for 30 years, every time he broke down in tears afterwards and apologised and swore he'd never do it again. They eventually divorced and she's finally safe and happy. That's all I have to say.

Original poster
missscarlett · 09/03/2006 20:21

you're right, it's just the whole thing's so sad because she's so outgoing and gorgeous but she's gradually getting more and more miserable...oh well , have resigned myself to the fact that the more i nag, the less likely i'll be to hear about him doing it again...trying to be sensible and 'there for her' but feel like just sending round dh's rugby mates to give him a taste of his own medicine....

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Original poster
missscarlett · 09/03/2006 20:22

though of course realize this would ultimately make everything worse (it is quite tempting tho')

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gothicmama · 09/03/2006 20:24

yes it is tempting resist carry on as normal with your friendship don't let him undermine it even if she calls off or there is an atmosphere when you visit

Miriam2 · 09/03/2006 20:24

Yes but only because he's a pathetic coward...

gothicmama · 09/03/2006 20:25

she is lucky to have afriend like you I list many of my friends when in an abusive relationship cos no one knew what to do and I did n't maintian friendships cos x got jealous

Original poster
missscarlett · 09/03/2006 20:27

i'm not going round there when he's there as i think it's beyond my limits of diplomacy to sit there and make light chit chat to him but am keepnig in close contact with bf via phone and going out...

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Original poster
missscarlett · 09/03/2006 20:30

well luckily although she's rubbish at picking boyfriends she's actually quite a fiesty fun girl so it's not hard to want to stay in touch

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Miriam2 · 09/03/2006 20:32

You are a great friend, she's going to need you. Agree with gothicmama in that my mum had no-one she could tell and that made her feel it was her fault..

gothicmama · 09/03/2006 20:33

good keep reminding her of that if she starts to change

Original poster
missscarlett · 09/03/2006 20:33

what finally made u decide to leave? also was ur x violent from day 1 or did it creep in gradually ?

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gothicmama · 09/03/2006 20:38

gradual progression from mild verbal developing in stages to physical abuse and each time getting worse. It was very gradual and in teh end destroyed my self confidence so I felt he was teh only person who cared (mad or what) I left cos I hit rock bottom I saw a woman in town with really sad eyes and looking very uncared for - I then caught a glimspe of my refelection and I had exactly teh same look so I found teh courage to stand up to him and asked him to leave or finish me off luckily he burst in to tears and left this gave teh strength to carry on but it took time to get over teh emotional crap

Original poster
missscarlett · 09/03/2006 20:41

well it's fantastic that you did, I think it takes a lot of courage to leave - i'm sure a lot of why my bf stays is she's scared to be on her own - just hope she mangages to get out soon before anyhting awful happens - i just keep thinking of stats of 2 women p/w murdered by partners/exes......

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Original poster
missscarlett · 09/03/2006 20:43

also I think it is a confidence thing - i think deep down she believes she doesn't deserve better, this bloke (although he's the worst so far) is one in a long line of total w*nkers she's been with

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Original poster
missscarlett · 09/03/2006 20:45

and it's totally nuts because she's the last person you would think of as insecure etc as she seems v. bright confident etc

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gothicmama · 09/03/2006 20:48

she sounds a bit like I was - I hope she finds her way to leave

Original poster
missscarlett · 09/03/2006 20:55

well hope so...anyway haven't spoken to her for a few days so I'm going to give her a call now. Thanks for advice/opinions - i've never been in this situation before and it's good to hear from others who know something about it. Hopefully if myself and our other mates can support her it'll help her find the confidence to get rid of him....

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notasheep · 09/03/2006 21:45

Leopards dont change their spots-I would be petrified.
Hope you can have a good talk with her very soon