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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DO VIOLENT MEN EVER REALLY CHANGE???

51 replies

missscarlett · 09/03/2006 20:11

My bf has only been with her partner for two years and they've just bought a house together. He's a total w*nker and has been 'roughing her up' during drunken arguments -( threatening her, swearing pushing and shoving, got her round the throat a few times) from the beginning, but a few weeks ago actually ended up punching her and knocking her down and kicking her in the face. She's taken him back and seems convinced that he was so shocked and ashamed by his behaviour that he'll never do it again. Is it possible? Has anyone ever had just one really violent outburst from a partner who never did it again?

OP posts:

7up · 09/03/2006 21:59

like gothica says you or anyone cannot make them split up, she has too see it for herself. my xh was physically abusive on quite a few occasions. my friends got quite grumpy with me and kept telling me to dump him but i didnt coz "i loved him and thought he'd change". my friends got fed up seeing me battered and bruised and after a couple of years of it and ending up in hospital i finally saw the light. when i walked round tescos with my mother with a fat lip, broken nose and busted finger i bumped into my doctor and the look on his face said it all, i never went back. but sadly over 15 years on i still say he was the only man i ever truly loved

MeerkatsUnite · 10/03/2006 07:06

missscarlet,

Think your friend is lucky indeed to have a friend like yourself around.

One of the sections goes into why women stay - I think your friend is thinking much along those lines that they write about.

On average two women - per week - in the UK are killed at the hands of their partners or ex.

I would suggest you read the womens aid website as there is much good information on there:-

www.womensaid.org.uk

Why do you think she continues to choose poorly in relationships - this sounds like another in a long line of rubbish ones.

Nightynight · 10/03/2006 08:00

missscarlett, can you show your friend this thread?
domestic violence is such a no-no that it is unusual to be able to talk freely about it.

fwiw, I agree with the others. He wont change by himself.

He's hitting her because she is weaker and cant hit back. If she could beat him up, he wouldnt do it again, plain and simple.
Maybe she could scare him into stopping by calling the police, if he believed that she would press charges another time.

I bet she's been in denial, seeking comfort from the man she thinks she knows and loves...unfortunately its likely that shes got years of being hit in front of her if she stays with him.
best wishes xxx nightynight

Nightynight · 10/03/2006 08:03

7up, me too, there is no shame in loving a man who behaves like a spoilt brat at times...but if he is impossible to live with, you just have to move on

Original poster

missscarlett · 11/03/2006 08:23

I will show her this thread because she hasn't told many people about this incident - only me and her mum and her partners family know. Apparently his family are acting as though nothing's happened (no wonder he's screwed up) & life should carry on as normal now so it's only me & her mum as the voice of reason. I think a lot of why she's staying is that she likes the 'highs and lows' (cos the bad bits are so awful, it makes the good/normal bits seem really good) and because she feels like they're in deep because they've bought a house. It's a frustrating situation because I've come to realize that I can't make her leave. Even though I've spent ages with her talking it through and she agrees with me, we make all these plans about what she's going to do and it all seems sorted and then I phone her the next day and she's out with him....

OP posts:

Original poster

missscarlett · 11/03/2006 08:28

but at least she has somewhere to go (her mums), she's financially independent and she's promised that they won't start tring for kids for at least one more year. So hopefully in that time he'll either sort himself out or he'll do it again and she'll see the light and go.

OP posts:

alliebaba · 11/03/2006 08:46

morning.. how awful for you to have to sit back and see him destroying her confidence. he will get worse, as he has shown from roughing up to punching... the problem is as gothicmama said, unless she wants to leave she won't, and he's obviuosly messing with her head as well..you sound like a lovely friend, and all you can do is just be there to pick up the pieces. chin up love x

Turquoise · 11/03/2006 09:30

I worked in a dv programme in the states and one of the workshops was a group therapy session for abusers. The failure/reoofending rate was horrendous, largely because most of them had been sent there by court order. Of the few who took anything from it, and changed, they were mostly people who had self-referred and already wanted to change - so IMO I guess it depends on how genuine that shock and shame at his behaviour is.
Can she suggest that to prove his committment never to do it again, he has a course of counselling to look at his attitudes to control?

Turquoise · 11/03/2006 09:46

Hve read the whole thread now not just the op.
That bit about his family sounds very ominous - convince her to talk to women' aid if you can. Abuseres don't pick women who look like 'victims' - they pick strong feisty women like your friend and systematically destroy them.
You sound like a really good friend, she's lucky to have you.

INLOVEWITHEXSQUADDIE · 11/03/2006 10:45

My DH has hit me three times since we have been married. 8 yrs

These have been drink fuelled. He is normally a gentle loving man.

I am not the forgiving type and i have warned him once more and i leave.

ruty · 11/03/2006 11:23

i've been in a violent relationship and i don't think those people change. i really don't.

starshaker · 11/03/2006 11:40

i do think SOME can change i was in an abusive relationship and got out and i know he wont change but my best friend dp hit her and she knocked him out and let him lie on the floor. when he woke up she just said you wont do that again will you and he never has. but thats cos she is strong and puts up with nothing. your friend has been putting up with it so he will think he can keep getting away with it

notasheep · 11/03/2006 12:36

ILWES-OMG!

Twinkie1 · 11/03/2006 12:46

No he won't.

There is a list somewhere you can print off - someone did for me ages ago - about how men control you and the pointers - they are all true - but it takes a strong person to realise that it is going on - maybe you can ring the police - they don;t need her to press charges to charge him - I think that right so they may be able to step in but I am sure other MNs will know more!!

salsa · 11/03/2006 12:50

No. They hit and abuse then apologise and buy gifts and everything is lovely for a few days and then they hit and abuse and buy gifts and everything is lovely for as few days and the...................................

This hasn't personally happened to me but to a member of my family. They never change and to be honest would you really want to be with someone who did that to you just once?

Tamz77 · 11/03/2006 16:29

missscarlett: why don't you send round dh's rugby mates?! One of the reasons abusive men keep abusing is that they have all and bloody sundry legitimising their behaviour by ignoring it! Especially in the case of a woman who is not strong enough to do anything about it herself. If violence is the language he wants to speak, and you have someone handy who could rough him up for a change - while making the reasons clear - I bet he wouldn't be so quick to thump her next time he gets pissed off.

Sorry if this view offends anyone, but he has well asked for it, IMO. If your friend really wants to stay with him then he needs a short, sharp shock.

chipmonkey · 11/03/2006 17:14

I do know of one woman whose brothers came round and sorted her dh out. He hasn't hit her since.

maltesers · 12/03/2006 12:33

Have a similar situation with me. My partner is very fiery and gets mad at the smallest thing. We fell out this week and because i got angry back and would not be quiet he dragged me from the lounge into the hall till i fell over, I hurt my back and have a four inch scratch and bruise there. He says we must split and if it was not for our 5 yr old ds then i would. know what i should do and have been in this situation with previous partner but its so hard. My dp rarely gets physical but it has slightly increased recently.

rummum · 12/03/2006 12:37

Just wondered what his childhood was like, I mean if he was beaten up by his parents or saw his parents fight he may feel its normal.. its no excuse mind you...

shellybelly · 12/03/2006 12:42

NO, been in a not so nice relationship in the past so can sort of speak from experience, the thing is tho you can't tell her to leave him she will have to figure that out for herself (hopefully before there are any children involved) my family tried to tell me for a couple of years to leave my ex and there was a sort of (how can i put it) a boiling point?? where I just clicked and thought enough is enough but no one could have done this for me iyswim,

ruty · 12/03/2006 15:01

the problem is the making up period is so nice and such a relief, and you kind of get addicted to the high after the low. Also you start to feel it must be your fault in some way. Very hard to see the wood for the trees when you're in it.

shellybelly · 12/03/2006 15:22

xp actually broke a bone, totally denied doing it (even to my family) said i had done it deliberately spent the morning at A&E in the afternoon the bastard actually wanted sex, bought a chinese and a bottle of wine and that was his way of making up for it even tho he still didn't admit he'd done (he was plastered but still no excuse)

Nixz · 12/03/2006 15:44

missscarlet - i have only read your original message and felt i would just like to comment.
DP and i met very young, after a few great years i fell pregnant and moved back home to my parents (we were living down south and renting with a load of friends and dp is in the forces and was being posted to afghanistan) anyway, he commuted to work for a few years and we got a house near my parents. Our relationship went from bad to worse and over the years he became so possessive and really violent, at the end of our relationship it was happeneing a few times a week and i couldnt go out the house because of the bruises and cuts to my face and body.
After 18 months of being seperated we got back together 1 year ago and he is a different person, he is calm and fair and patient and he loves being a family man, i am also a different person and we are in love and we are all very happy. So in answer to your question, i beleive that people can change and mature and change the situations they are in and learn to compromise and respect each other if they love each other enough.
Hth - wishing your friend luck xx

ruty · 12/03/2006 16:09

i think your dp may be the exception and not the rule nixz

Nixz · 12/03/2006 16:35

Ruty - i understand that all stories dont end like mine but i felt i needed to say that occasionally there is some hope.

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