Sorry, this is long. Namechanged. And I'm well prepared to be flamed.
A bit of background: I'm 25, I have a DD after a LTR, ex-DP and I separated a few months ago. I took four months off to have DD last year and in that time my head of team left, and a new head came in. He's twenty years older than me with a DP and kids.
Our team is small and we're not formal at all. We often have nights out which usually involve a lot of alcohol. He and I have always gotten on really well - I'm irreverent and cheeky - we share a sense of humour. When ex-DP and I broke up, I confided in him about it. But in my mind that's all it was - 'office banter' and a good working relationship.
But, a few weeks ago on a team night out, we ended up dancing together for most of the night - drunk - and I was aware that something was happening that probably shouldn't be. Nothing happened, it was just ... not right. The next day at work, I confided in a friend who essentially said, "yes, people were wondering about that!" But nothing happened, so I didn't mention it, and we carried on as normal.
Now that I look back, we have been getting closer - too much eye contact, constantly talking, I think I've been in denial about that. And on work drinks, we're always chatting away, and I know people have noticed that. I've been trying to take a step back because I know it doesn't look good, but he's always there.
I didn't feel out of my depth until earlier this week. We had a team night out, which ended in going out dancing. Eventually it was just me, another colleague and him left. Other colleague was very drunk and I wanted to keep an eye on her while she was chatting with some random guys. So he and I were sort of left alone quite a lot, and it all started again - I let it happen, I am absolutely aware of that - I suppose initially I didn't want to turn around and make things difficult in case I had misread things and he took offence, or something, I don't know. Anyway, at a nondescript point in the evening, he leaned over and kissed me. I froze, and pulled away, muttering something awkward - then I went to the loo and had hyperventilated.
When I came back, predictably my colleague had disappeared, and he was there. We went outside to talk, and didn't say much, and then he kissed me again, and I didn't stop him at all. I know I should have done, part of me wanted to and didn't know how, but to be honest part of me did want to kiss him. I don't really remember the intricacies of what we spoke about - I remember getting very irritated at one point, and him calming me down. We walked, and we held hands, it was very out-of-body. We decided that we wouldn't mention it again, and would just carry on as normal.
Which is what we've done. Except now, I'm having panic attacks, and I feel guilty and nervous, and just horrid. I know I should feel that way. I confided in the same friend as previously, and she said she'd seen it coming. She was very non-judgemental - said we'd always had obvious chemistry, and that he lets me get away with murder. And now I see I've been blithely going around flirting with him, not realising all this crap, just being an idiot, thinking nothing of it. She asked if it would happen again. I said no, but to be honest I would have said it wouldn't have happened in the first place, so what do I know?
She asked if I felt taken advantage of - I don't, but I do feel powerless, and like I have no control over anything. I want to talk to him, and ask him what exactly ... I don't know. What the fuck? Is this something he makes a habit of? Can we still work together? But I can't - well, I could, but I feel like we're in a very precarious situation and if I do anything, everything will come tumbling down.
I've applied for another job, and if I get it I'll seriously consider taking it, because I don't think I can handle this. I know it was all of my own making - I honestly thought that nothing would ever happen because he's head of the team, and so much older, and so I thought it was ok to just chat away, but it wasn't. I just don't know what to do. I'm usually so confident and self-assured, but now I'm acting like a wet blanket. I'm trying to galvanize, take responsibility, and deal with this, but I don't know how.
I don't know what sort of advice I want - I just can't talk to any of my friends apart from the one girl who I know won't freak out about it, so I'm asking you guys! I think I should talk to him - I need to clear the air, and there's a team night out soon, and I need it to be clear before then. I guess, I'm wondering how others (with more experience and sense) would deal with this.