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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ex having op wants to stay at mine- AIBU?

30 replies

sillymummy11 · 09/08/2012 22:26

My husband moved out last week. We're going for a separation. Originally, I told my solicitor that I thought it was only fair to ask him to move out after his operation/recovery- he's having work done on his ear and will be off work for 3 weeks. I'd planned to run around after him for a week even though I knew we were going to separate on the basis of just being decent to another human being.

However, he decided to move out earlier. The kids have got used to it- I've got VERY used to it. When he has come around (he's been over a few times to see kids in evening/help with bath) I've felt rather stressed out with all his shouting...he does tend to shout at the kids a lot. I feel more relaxed when he's not here.

He's asked to stay over after his op. He would have to sleep in my bed- he thinks I should sleep in it too. I think that this is unreasonable. I have offered to camp out over night at his flat with the kids (he has a spare bedroom). I am worried that if he comes back in- then he won't go again. Today he was going on about how lonely he is, and how much he misses me and the kids....I just don't get a good feeling about this at all. I, unfortunately, am not missing him.

FYI he moved out due to his behaviour....nothing really awful...would get drunk and talk s**t and get angry that I couldn't understand, or stay out all night without telling me he was going to do so or where he was and leading the kids to believe he would be back....also he lied repeatedly, since before we were married, about his financial situation (debts) until the mortgage started bouncing...then I had to go out and work full time whilst pregnant and with 2 kids under 4 to try and retrieve the situation (I have always had a job with kids- just usually part time). He has never been particularly understanding of my own health problems when they occurred- mainly severe postnatal depression when I was basically told to get on with it "because I had to" as he was working away all over the country at the time. I am generally a 'caring' person- I work in social care and love people....however.....that love is not extending to him at the moment and I'm not really sure what to do. I've got a bad feeling about this situation and I'm not sure why.

Any advice would be much appreciated. And if I am being a heartless bitch please tell me- I really won't be offended.

OP posts:

dequoisagitil · 09/08/2012 22:34

You're not being heartless. You have split up.

At basic level, this means he doesn't get to sleep in your bed with you. Reasonable people would understand this as normal (he's not reasonable).

You are being generous to offer to run him round and help him where you can.

You would be daft, in my opinion, to let him back into your home. He has a home of his own. You will have the devil's own job to get him out again if you let him back. You don't owe him this. You have your own life now, and he is your dc's father, but that is all. You are not his carer and you are not his partner anymore.

MushroomSoup · 09/08/2012 22:37

Completely and utterly agree with ^^

nocake · 09/08/2012 22:41

If he owns part of the house he has a legal right to live there so if you let him move back you may find it difficult to get rid of him.

If you do decide that he can stay you should set down clear rules. For example, he stays for a set period, not a day longer. He doesn't sleep in your bed with you. He doesn't drink a single drop of alcohol. He doesn't raise his voice to the kids. He doesn't talk about being lonely or getting back together. If he breaks any of the rules he's out.

NatashaBee · 09/08/2012 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MushroomSoup · 09/08/2012 22:42

Tell him to fuck off and hire a nurse.
That's not you.

letseatgrandma · 09/08/2012 22:43

I really wouldn't let him back to sleep at yours. He sounds like an arse and you'll have great difficulty getting rid of him again!

In the words of Zammo-'just say no!'

Lucyellensmum99 · 09/08/2012 22:44

He doesnt have a life threatening illness - you would be MAD to let him back, he wont leave!!! He is playing the sympathy card - it would be wrong for the chidlren to have him back.

Original poster

sillymummy11 · 09/08/2012 22:56

Thanks a lot gals- I feel more confident now that I should stick to my guns and not let him stay here...

OP posts:

MrsTomHardy · 09/08/2012 23:49

I agree . Do not let him move back in.

ChasingSquirrels · 09/08/2012 23:54

nocake Thu 09-Aug-12 22:41:08
If he owns part of the house he has a legal right to live there so if you let him move back you may find it difficult to get rid of him.

presumably in this case you would also have no right to stop him moving back in?

I agree with everyone else - say no, no, no, no, no!

But, if he does own part of the house (or have his name on the tenancy agreement - don't know about this???) then he would actually have a legal right to move back in I thought.

HeleninaGoldChariot · 10/08/2012 00:01

No, no and no some more. He was an arse before he let, can you imagine how dreadful he will be when he is officially ill? He doesn't need to stay with you, he can stock up on ready meals take care of himself like millions of other single people do. Some of these people manage with children, he only has himself to worrry about.

It's your home now, you've made the big break the kids are used to it and you are happy. Keep it that way

cocolepew · 10/08/2012 00:07

No, no, no.

izzyizin · 10/08/2012 02:54

With a twat like him you can't be heartless enough, honey.

He's changed his mind and wants to be back home. If you let him trick guilt you into letting him stay after his op, you'll never get him out again.

It's time for you to get back to your solicitor and put contact arrangements in place that will end him fetching up a few times a week to shout at the dc and generally disturb the peace of your home.

MusicForTheMasses · 10/08/2012 05:34

YANBU I did this, as STBXH had a knee operation. It was a mistake, a big mistake. Please don't make the same mistake as me. x

MrGeresHamster · 10/08/2012 05:46

No... You are his children's mother not his mother, don't allow him to confuse this.

Inyourhippyhat · 10/08/2012 06:00

If you let him in it will be extremely confusing for your children. He may refuse to go again. Sounds as though he hopes to wheedle his way back in. He won't just want to 'sleep' with you either. You are liberated from what sounds an awful situation - remember what it was like going back to work pregnant and with two small children?

Miss you he might but it is his own doing. In his situation many people would fill up the fridge and cope on their own and he should do the same. If you let him stay in the house while you camp at his it will be equally confusing for your children and he may refuse to move out again.

Be strong. You do not sound one bit like a heartless bitch, just a woman who now has some kind of life after having been treated abominably.

3kidsand4cats · 10/08/2012 06:37

i think you feel guilty because there is a nurturing side to you that is very strong and tells you that you have to look after him. but you really don't! you have split from him, and it would unsettle the kids to have him back again, and already you think he might want to stay, and you've said you don't want him back. you sound relieved reading between the lines, that he's gone. so i would stay firm and say that under the circumstances of you splitting up earlier than planned, you won't be able to have him in your home to nurse him.

Springforward · 10/08/2012 07:22

You're not his mum. I wouldn't agree to this, personally.

Leverette · 10/08/2012 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EmilieFloge · 10/08/2012 07:36

He sounds awful, and his behaviour sounds selfish and inexcusable.

He's such a dick, I don't know why you can't see it

On no account let him stay and please try and get some formal arrangements through a solicitor so that he leaves you in peace in your own home.

You are not obliged to let him visit at all - if he has his own place, the children can go there - or just out somewhere with him.

Honestly I have a bad feeling about him too and I don't even know him.

So sorry you are going through this. Don't fall for it - he knows exactly what he is doing, it's called emotional blackmail and no one should ever stand for it.

Be polite and civil by all means but be very firm...your feeling is correct, your boundaries just need a bit of work x

EmilieFloge · 10/08/2012 07:42

and yes, if he is in recovery it will involve the sort of intimacy you get when you are nursing someone - I don't mean anything romantic but nursing a person is an intimate thing and he knows that you won't be cold towards him - he wants a bit of love I think, in whatever form he can get it.

It is not your job to provide this.

I had an ex call me asking me to collect him from hospital a few months ago - he was literally post-op, needed to get home, and for some reason, asked me, and it really put me on the spot.

Basically I had done the same last year when we were together, and the nurses had all assumed we were married, and my children were all ours, as a family iyswim, and he had not corrected them (we were barely boyfriend and girlfriend really) so it was an intimate situation, and I had to look after him, help him to bed, that sort of thing.

I was seeing someone else when he called this time - and he knew that - so I actually thought for five minutes, then replied saying no, I was sorry, but I had to be elsewhere.

He was nice about it and somehow, obviously, got home - but the fact he asked me to do it again when he knew I was with someone else struck me as very odd.

In short, it's a way to try and get back with you I think, on some level, and you should definitely say no.

Lueji · 10/08/2012 08:11

Definitely don't do it.
It's just an ear, as well, not heart surgery.

MNsFavouriteManHater · 10/08/2012 08:13

I don't understand

Does having an op on his ear mean he will lose the use of his arms and legs ?

Should you do this ? Fuck, no

sugarice · 10/08/2012 08:15

Please don't let him back, he'll have his feet under the table before you know it and you'll regret it.

Abitwobblynow · 10/08/2012 08:18

If anything proves that some men see us as 'things' who should be available for their benefit, it is this post!

I remember after bomb drop (finding OW) and working out that I was still in his life because wifey troll made a good housekeeper and nanny whilst he got his excitement and admiration from somewhere else, asking him this: 'are we just THINGS to you?' - the sulky 'no' and sulky silence said a lot.

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