ex having op wants to stay at mine- AIBU?

[sillymummy11]

My husband moved out last week. We're going for a separation. Originally, I told my solicitor that I thought it was only fair to ask him to move out after his operation/recovery- he's having work done on his ear and will be off work for 3 weeks. I'd planned to run around after him for a week even though I knew we were going to separate on the basis of just being decent to another human being.

However, he decided to move out earlier. The kids have got used to it- I've got VERY used to it. When he has come around (he's been over a few times to see kids in evening/help with bath) I've felt rather stressed out with all his shouting...he does tend to shout at the kids a lot. I feel more relaxed when he's not here.

He's asked to stay over after his op. He would have to sleep in my bed- he thinks I should sleep in it too. I think that this is unreasonable. I have offered to camp out over night at his flat with the kids (he has a spare bedroom). I am worried that if he comes back in- then he won't go again. Today he was going on about how lonely he is, and how much he misses me and the kids....I just don't get a good feeling about this at all. I, unfortunately, am not missing him.

FYI he moved out due to his behaviour....nothing really awful...would get drunk and talk s**t and get angry that I couldn't understand, or stay out all night without telling me he was going to do so or where he was and leading the kids to believe he would be back....also he lied repeatedly, since before we were married, about his financial situation (debts) until the mortgage started bouncing...then I had to go out and work full time whilst pregnant and with 2 kids under 4 to try and retrieve the situation (I have always had a job with kids- just usually part time). He has never been particularly understanding of my own health problems when they occurred- mainly severe postnatal depression when I was basically told to get on with it "because I had to" as he was working away all over the country at the time. I am generally a 'caring' person- I work in social care and love people....however.....that love is not extending to him at the moment and I'm not really sure what to do. I've got a bad feeling about this situation and I'm not sure why.

Any advice would be much appreciated. And if I am being a heartless bitch please tell me- I really won't be offended.

Doesn't he have a family member or friend to look after him? YANBU at all.

Good point - why can't he stay with someone else? He still sees you as his 'looker after' I think. That goes with the relationship though, and he needs to understand that no relationship = no looking after.

I would add that my ex, when he asked me to bring him home, was unable to drive or walk himself and it was a good hour's trip each way what with all the fuss and bother of getting into the car.

But he was also seeing someone new! Part of me was thinking, Oh poor thing, I am his friend, I really ought to help him out, and the other half of my brain was saying, hang on a minute - why can't he ask her?

Perhaps it was because he didn't want to bother his new girlfriend with the hassle of looking after him, while asking me was no problem. That made me a bit angry - I did feel used.

Just an example again but don't let yourself be used.

Seeing as you have already "left the bastard" may I suggest the "get the far side of fuck equation"

"He has never been particularly understanding of my own health problems when they occurred- mainly severe postnatal depression when I was basically told to get on with it "because I had to" "

And that sentence sums up exactly why he should be recovering elsewhere and without your help.

I honestly don't understand when women continue to feel some sort of alien sense of responsibilty to these selfish men

you owe him nothing

don't do this to yourself...you are your own worst enemy if you do