Oh bugger, I wasn't suppose to actually fall for him :(

[Yogagirl17]

Had a really crappy year. Long story short - XH had an affair at the end of last year, we separated in Jan, been through hellish nightmare of lawyers, crazy, horrible unstable X, losing my job & having a tough time finding work etc. But I have a fantastic support network around me & I've always been a really positive person, so not one to sit around feeling sorry for myself I subscribed to an online dating site. I needed a little fun, (a little sex!), something to look forward to, someone just to talk to and hang out with...what I did not need was to seriously for a really fantastic guy only to realise it was never going to work.

We spent several weeks emailing and talking on the phone and planning our first date - the build up to it was huge and I was really nervous when the time came. But he was totally lovely and put me at my ease straight away. The chemistry was great and we arranged to see each other again straight away. After that first date he told me he was a little concerned about the distance between us - only about 60 miles but when you factor in kids and school and exes into the equation I guess it can become pretty unmanageable. He warned me, he'd been in this position before and wasn't sure there was a good solution. But we both agreed we wanted to see each other again. I knew what I was getting myself into...or at least I thought I did.

We saw each other only a few more times, but every time I saw him I just liked him more and more. He "got" me in a way I'm not sure my XH ever did. I saw him with his kids and he had just the most fantastic relationship with them. Before i knew it I was gone - totally, head over heels, gone.

And then it was over. He could see where we were both heading and said he felt we needed to put an end to it before we got any more emotionally involved than we already were. I know he's right - neither one of us feels it would be fair to even consider moving our children away from our exes. I keep telling myself that I've only known him for a few weeks. I keep telling myself that it would only be harder to end a few months from now. I keep telling myself it's the only possible solution and that anything else would be totally unfair to both our families. But it doesn't matter, I'm just heartbroken and it's not fair.

Oh crap, no, it's not fair. Not sure what else to add...

One it's never to good too have a big build up...or this happens. Date em quick. Weed em out.

I would say, I don't think he was as into you, as you are to him. As with jobs, exs, etc. 60 miles is nothing. It's a tiny commute. If he really, really liked you as he said. Then it's not even a speed bump.

I have to agree with H-o-p, I don't think he was as enamoured as you were. Sorry. 60 miles is nothing.

Better off out of it.

Prior to my last post. Another reason why I do think you have had a lucky escape. That he got what he wanted then ended it.

Was you were talking, massive build up....I presume he knew where you lived? So why wait until the first date to air his concerns? Build you up to knock you down? Very cruel.

I must admit I was thinking the same as I was reading your post ..... sorry, he's just not that into you.

60 miles is hardly an insurmountable distance and would no way get in the way of love and lust if it was mutual.

Sorry OP, it's bloody horrible, isn't it?

Oh OP, I almost feel your pain. Knowing whether the distance is a real issue or what the other posters are saying won't take your pain away. It's a short fling and try and see the pleasure you had and it shouldn't take you too long to get over it. See it as one of life's little interludes; you'll have lots more, I'm sure.

I agree with the others. The 60 miles sounds like an excuse.

It is a bit weird that he still met you knowing that in his eyes you lived too far away . . . and introduced you to his children as well. It must be confusing for them if they are introduced to all his flings. Perhaps that's a sign that he's not as great as he seems?

I'm seeing a man, we live about an hour's car journey away from each other so it's not impossible, but we both know that we could never end up living together. I'd never relocate my children and change their schools and he wouldn't want to move further away from his job/kids. But in a way, we find it easy because we are more like friends (althogh not quite!) and we are not falling for each other although we like each other. SO, the distance isn't great but at the same time, we just like meeting up and getting together when we can. Luckily neither of us would ever be in to introducing kids and treading that tightrope.

Chocolates and drinks gladly accepted, thx!

Katie - I think that's what I envisioned when I met him, that we would just be a bit of fun & a distraction for each other, meet up when we can, "friends with benefits" - in which case the distance wouldn't be a problem. But for something more serious, I think 60 miles is actually a big deal. Like you say, I wouldn't want my kids to have to change school or be unable to see their dad as easily (right now he only lives a few miles away so they can and do pop in for quick spontaneous visits in addition to his 'scheduled' weekends). It's the same for him - his kids live with their mum but he gets to see them all the time. If he moved 60 miles away he would suddenly become a 'weekend dad' which he doesn't want. He absolutely adores them and would do anything for them.

Concentrateonthegood - it was a lovely, wonderful interlude. It just seems so unfair after the year I've had. Sigh...I forgot what it feels like to be heartbroken over a man. (I was heartbroken at the ending of my marriage obviusly but that was different because he was such a f&&ing bastard at the end). I hear what all of you are saying but I really believe this guy was genuine, which only makes it harder.

60 miles? Erm my dh lived 300 miles away when we met.......... 60 miles we've commuted more than that a day for work!

Look I don't think you are cut out for fwb types....you seem to get too involved. So date early. Figure them out.

I don't think he was genuine. Stringed you along for three weeks, knowing he never wanted anything more than fwb. Told you on the first date and introduced you to the kids, knowing you were not sticking around? Does not sound genuine.

Your ex chose to leave you. Sod his feelings

Agree With the others. He knew your location why carry on?

HOP - my DH lived 3000 miles away when we first met but there were no kids in the picture yet. As much as I would quite happily tell my ex to F-Off, it wouldn't be fair to the kids. They like being able to see their dad and their grandparents frequently and often spontaneously - DD rides her bike over to her gran's house after school, or they go out for tea or shopping together if the mood takes them, and their dad picks them up after work just to drive them to their various extra-curricular activities. All of this is outside of his scheduled time with them and they would lose out if they could only see him once a week.

As for meeting his kids, yeah that was probably a mistake, but it was a beautiful day and it was kind of spontaneous - we just spend the afternoon hanging out but we both should have known better.

Hi Yoga
Online dating is tricky, is he the first you've met? Did he tell you his history at all? Are you still in contact now, texting etc?

Sorry you're feeling so horrible about it x

Hi Missy. No, he wasn't the first guy I met, just the first one I really liked. There was a guy a few months ago who I saw a few times - it was fun, nothing serious, just someone to help me get over my ex I think! Then a couple of guys I just met for coffee but knew straight away there was no chemistry.

Yes, I know his history - his marriage, his divorce, relationships since then etc. I know a lot of people on here seem to think he was just messing with me but I knew what I was getting into. I honestly just don't think either of us expected to get so emotionally involved so quickly. And yes, we've still been in touch, texting a bit but trying to keep it low key. I probably should just make a clean break of things but finding it really hard to let go.

I had kids.....60 miles is a tiny commute. Sounds like he got what he wanted a shag and dumped you. Why bother meeting he knew all along it was too much?

I do think you need to wise up to e dating tbh or keep getting hurt. He does not sound great.

Sorry to hear. Wonder whether he would say yes to offer to continuing casual relationship.

Ok, Hop, I get that you think he was using me. Maybe you're right. And maybe i need to take things slower next time. But I happen to agree with him that 60 miles is not a tiny commute when it comes to the children. Otherwise I would have just said that if it was going brilliantly in say 6 months or a year from now I would consider moving. But it's not an option for me any more than it is for him. So why is he the sh&t? Sorry I just don't get it.

I also remembered why I stayed away from MN for so long - came looking for sympathy and got a lot of annoying self-righteousness in the mix.

I don't see how anyone is being self-righteousness.

Or self-righteous!

Sorry. It I've been where you are.

If you wanted lots of xxxx hugs xxxx what a great guy. Then yes it's the wrong site.

If you wanted practical, realistic advice, correct site.

See, for most, 60 miles really is not anything even with kids. You don't even have to move at all. He strung you along for 3 weeks, giving you the big build up. Only to tell you in the first date, when you are all excited. He does not see it working, due to distance. Very cruel. He then introduces you, his casual fling, to his kids. How confusing for them. How many women does he meet, amd introduce to the kids? He's got no decent boundaries. He's not that great. You've had an escape here.

That is why when online dating, the best thing to do is meet quick, weed them out. Get rid of the losers. Don't do the whole building up thing as in reality, when you meet it can be a disaster. He had 3 weeks to tell you about distance. But he let you get sucked, further amd further in. It's also an easy way to stop this by dating quickly. Things become reality quickly and you can't over romanticise things.

But annoying self righteousness carry on getting drawn in and hurt by time wasters.

My iPad did that too poo...as well as amd. It's going soon as it just makes me look illiterate

Well you can't have your ipad make you look illiterate, the bastard!

Ok, sorry for calling anyone names but yeah, i guess I was looking for hugs & sympathy more than anything. And yeah, I do see what you're saying that he should have said something sooner. But the long build up was mainly because I went away on a long holiday just as we started talking/emailing so we actually met as soon as we possibly could have. Just bad timing that way. Lesson learned for future. But for now, it still sucks. I'm just tired of having such a crappy time this year and would like something nice to happen for a change. I guess I thought this was going to be something nice so even more disappointing.