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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Oh bugger, I wasn't suppose to actually fall for him :(

43 replies

Yogagirl17 · 09/08/2012 22:02

Had a really crappy year. Long story short - XH had an affair at the end of last year, we separated in Jan, been through hellish nightmare of lawyers, crazy, horrible unstable X, losing my job & having a tough time finding work etc. But I have a fantastic support network around me & I've always been a really positive person, so not one to sit around feeling sorry for myself I subscribed to an online dating site. I needed a little fun, (a little sex!), something to look forward to, someone just to talk to and hang out with...what I did not need was to seriously for a really fantastic guy only to realise it was never going to work.

We spent several weeks emailing and talking on the phone and planning our first date - the build up to it was huge and I was really nervous when the time came. But he was totally lovely and put me at my ease straight away. The chemistry was great and we arranged to see each other again straight away. After that first date he told me he was a little concerned about the distance between us - only about 60 miles but when you factor in kids and school and exes into the equation I guess it can become pretty unmanageable. He warned me, he'd been in this position before and wasn't sure there was a good solution. But we both agreed we wanted to see each other again. I knew what I was getting myself into...or at least I thought I did.

We saw each other only a few more times, but every time I saw him I just liked him more and more. He "got" me in a way I'm not sure my XH ever did. I saw him with his kids and he had just the most fantastic relationship with them. Before i knew it I was gone - totally, head over heels, gone.

And then it was over. He could see where we were both heading and said he felt we needed to put an end to it before we got any more emotionally involved than we already were. I know he's right - neither one of us feels it would be fair to even consider moving our children away from our exes. I keep telling myself that I've only known him for a few weeks. I keep telling myself that it would only be harder to end a few months from now. I keep telling myself it's the only possible solution and that anything else would be totally unfair to both our families. But it doesn't matter, I'm just heartbroken and it's not fair.

OP posts:

Houseofplain · 10/08/2012 10:01

You'll find mr right. Just weed them out quickly and you'll be set.

Pinkforever · 10/08/2012 10:24

I assume you are not a teenager op?-because quite honestly you are sounding like one...

You barely knew this man-he is not the great love of your life. He is a player who likes to pretend he is emotionally available because it gets him sex.....

Move on-he was not that into you

Mumsyblouse · 10/08/2012 10:38

Ahhh, I do feel for you. It's hard when you see someone and like them, then they move on.

BUT: I think the 60 miles is a total ref herring, you are talking as if getting serious means moving the kids and everyone's lives. Why? Surely, for a couple of years, you could have just met up every now and again without moving anywhere, just on nights that you could both get free (if children with other parent).

In truth, I don't think he was even up for that, and it is disappointing.

I would try to put some brakes in your own mind on what meeting and dating might involve, I really don't think moving should be coming into it for many years and this would allow you to have fun, but with stability at the same time.

I also have friends who find online dating really emotionally too traumatic, they fall too hard too early for people who aren't that into them, and also get very upset because often these men say things they don't mean (e.g. let's meet up then cancelling). One of my friends has just stopped for that reason, she can't face the casual rejection, and I don't blame her. If it's not for you, and you are not the casual type, don't feel bad, you could take a break from it and just enjoy your freedom in this year.

Tressy · 10/08/2012 12:16

Sorry OP but it does sound like he was after something casual. He told you in the beginning that he'd been in this situtation before so was warning you not to get too involved. It's always wise to listen to what these guys are actually telling us.

I do sympathise though and have been through a rough time with someone recently. I have come to my senses and am no longer hankering after him as I saw the light so to speak but I had to let him let me down again to do so. So keep talking to him if it helps and I think things will ease off when you realise that perhaps he wasn't that great.

Original poster

Yogagirl17 · 10/08/2012 14:12

Thanks Pink - another reminder of why I get so fed up with MN. Must remember - MN is NOT a supportive, understanding environment. Right, got it.

And no, I'm not a teenager but maybe there's something to be said for acting like one for a while. I was with the same man for 18 years & it's been quite the wake up call to remember what it's like to feel all these amazing highs AND really crappy lows. I'm probably feeling so hurt right this minute because it's been so long since I've really opened up to someone and that's left me a bit vulnerable and a bit fragile. But I don't regret it - I know I'll get over him and it's been a great reminder that I can feel all these things.

Tressy - I actually think it was just the opposite, he was after something very serious very quickly. But you're absolutely right, I should have listened to what he was telling me before I got so emotionally involved.

OP posts:

pchip · 10/08/2012 18:37

Hugs. (hope that doesn't get me banned ). It's hard to find that feeling that "someone gets you" - but don't beat yourself up that you've lost it as quickly as you found it. The nice bit about dating is that every first date is an opportunity to maybe finding that feeling again. Now that you realize YOU don't want to date long distance, don't reply to anyone who's not local. It's a learning curve and you've been out of practice for a while.

KatieTaylor · 10/08/2012 18:54

I feel for you too OP. It's all so different after you have kids isn't it? The man I'm seeing and I had a conversation where we both admitted to each other that we did not want to marry the other, like, ever! It sounds so blunt when I type it. And the thing is I was relieved, but also simultaneously a tiny bit offended.

I know some people are saying what's 60 miles, my dh travelled 3000 to see me once (and so on) but when you are juggling everything, if you've had a busy week, you can think to yourself, "one more thing to juggle". I KNOW the man I'm seeing had a wobble like that three months in. I sensed it, I was waiting for the news. I didn't contact him. I wouldn't have been devastated but I would have missed him I think. To begin with anyway. I'd have got over him fairly quickly! But still. People can't really compare things their DH did before he had children with distances / time this already-a-father-with-a-job can give over to a relationship!

I don't know. Some people will say if there's not a mutual coup de foudre (with respect) then dump him!! Or maybe the difference between you and me is that I simply can't imagine feeling that strongly about anybody ever again.

garlicnuts · 10/08/2012 19:18

Oh, look, you can't always choose who you fall for. But you can choose what to do about it.

In reality, you 'fell' petty quick, didn't you? Therefore I'm assuming the sex was really good and you managed to talk to each other enough :) All you need is for him to possess a few of your triggers - you know, the ones that tickle your 'chemistry' - and you're slap-bang in the middle of an infatuation! and , obv.

Long-term relationships (with few, enviable exceptions) do make you forget exactly how that feels, especially if they end badly. Cast you mind back ... way back ... much younger ... ... to the first boyfriend you really felt something for. What was his name? Remember how you thought about him ever second, wrote your first name with his surname on the back of your Maths book? Do you recall that sick-in-the-stomach butterfly kick when you saw him smile your way? :) and :) and :) When it ended ... remember the devastation? No boy could ever be his equal ... you may even have felt suicidal for a while; I'm certain you wept buckets. Come gently back to the present now ... For all the emotional turmoil, how do you feel about your first schoolgirl love affair? Indulgent, I bet, and a bit nostalgic. Now you know the pain fades and the good memories remain; there are other loves after all. It was worth it.

Yeah, it's a bit of a surprise to feel all that over again now you're grown up, isn't it?! But, hey, how exciting! It was a crush; it was too fast to have been anything else. I don't feel he "used" you, certainly no more than you "used" him: it was all mutual, wasn't it? He sounds rather avoidant. If it wasn't 60 miles and the ex, it would have been something else. To be fair to the guy, he didn't mislead you about that and he warned you off quite reasonably. Now you are allowed to feel your broken heart. Soppy movies, too much wine a large tub of ice-cream may be in order. (But take the battery out of your phone before the wine!)

I'm happy you had such a wonderful experience. I'm sorry for your pain. On the whole, though, I think it's great that you've re-introduced passion, hope and fun into your life :)

No, I don't think it's wise to stay 'friends'. Put him in a memory box.

Original poster

Yogagirl17 · 10/08/2012 20:30

Katie and pchip thank for the hugs & the supportive messages!
Makes me feel like I wasn't just being stupid and used. Whatever else he may or may not have been after, he really did 'get' me. Katie - the relationship you have now sounds nice and easy and fun and probably what I really needed at this stage! Lucky you.

garlicnuts I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head. In fact you hit all the nails on the head! It felt exactly like falling for that first boyfriend all those years ago. Talking for hours and learning all about the other person, the shockwaves that go through your body every time you kiss, not being able to keep your hands off each other, wanting to share everything with the other person (which is why I think it was mutual and why I think he let me meet his children - he wanted to share an important part of his life with me but then realised we were heading down a dangerous road. He does not introduce his kids to "all his flings" as others have suggested)...and then that totally crushing feeling when it's over. I hate how I'm feeling right this minute but I do love that I have that feeling of passion back in my life. And unlike when I was 15 I have the experience and the insight to know that I will eventually get over it. But for now I just feel like wallowing and feeling sorry for myself a little bit longer.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yogagirl17 · 10/08/2012 20:30

OP posts:

joblot · 10/08/2012 22:57

garlicnuts you should make a cd. I'd. buy it, you had me hooked

DoItOnce · 10/08/2012 23:07

Ohh garlicnuts you are good. I don't feel I need to write anything now other than to wish OP well. Chalk this one up to experience and take things slowly with future dates.

Houseofplain · 10/08/2012 23:14

But...but...you don't know what he's done. Risky involving his kids when he says it's a no go.

I'm not some old dried up married ya know. I'm 31 and met my 2nd, yes 2nd brazen hussy husband on the net. You've got a whole lot more of teenage feelings to come. So don't waste the, on losers ok?

Tressy · 10/08/2012 23:16

Yes garlicnuts, very good post.

Yogagirl, plenty of wine and ice-cream helps. I do think though that once you need to ask advice from strangers you probably know what the answers are going to be. FWIW the guy who I broke up with recently and I had the most amazing connection. He said I 'got' him, also 'cured him' but was it enough? was it f--k and he was still on the hunt for someone better, the loser!

I hope you are feeling OK.

solidgoldbrass · 11/08/2012 00:37

You weren't seeing him for very long, and it's probable that he simply decided he didn't want to pursue the relationship and is using the distance as a polite way of extricating himself (it is, after all, more polite than saying 'Actually I've decided I don't fancy you that much/I've met someone else I prefer').

It's miserable to be dumped, no matter how short the relationship was, but that's just the way it goes sometimes. Let it go and move on.

LucieMay · 11/08/2012 00:44

Why didn't you put boundaries who you'd meet? I date online and am very strict about only dating within about
30 miles due to my life. My worst nightmare is meeting someone perfect and they live too far away.

Teansympathy · 11/08/2012 07:20

You have my very big sympathy , i MET A GUY 100 miles away we had a relationship lasted 15months he totally swept me off my feet wanted me to move up with him, The reality was he did not own his house was in debt and was looking to me to FIX his life , yep it hurt but I now feel I have had a lcuky escape , lesson learnt and I met him online doh , so please be reassured and knock this on the head long distancedoes not work, take care hope this helps you

Original poster

Yogagirl17 · 11/08/2012 08:55

Thanks Tea, so sorry you got hurt like that. This whole relationship thing is so flipping hard, isn't it? Lucie - you're right, I should have put stricter boundaries in place and will do in future. Problem was I didn't expect to fall for him like that, and if it had stayed more casual the distance wouldn't have been such a big problem.

I've been thinking a lot about this and I think maybe you do things differently the second time around than when you're 20-something (and I am most definitely no longer 20-something). As one of my friends so eloquently put it - there's less bullshit. You have a clearer idea of what you want, what you're willing to compromise for it, what your priorities are. But it also means you get into things faster...and in some cases end them faster. Which I think is exactly what happened in this case.

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