Breastfeeding, libido and kids. Do you ever really get your relationship back after it all?

[eatssleepsfeeds]

I've a lovely DH who I'm v sexually attracted to and have 2 DCs, 2 year old and 6 mths. Both breastfed. Stopped feeding 1st child but still feeding second and hope to for another yr. Not been a time when not been breastfeeding since first child born.

Breastfeeding had a major impact on my libido first time round. No interest in sex and, more to point, absolutely zero lubrication so v v difficult to have sex. KY jelly etc just didn't work. (Sorry for tmi!) We did find a way in the end and got bit easier, hence got pregnant again! Finding same prob now 6 mths after DD2.

Took 10 mths to get a period after DD1 and only after then cd I feel my body slowly starting to feel a bit more normal again arousal wise after that time when I started ovulating. Expect it'll take the same amount of time again this time. Because I got pregnant again though, I don't really know how my body would have gone, sexually, if normal circumstances.

This is where I'd like some words of wisdom pls?!

Got our baby sleeping in our room and it has to be silent when we go to sleep after her last feed of night so as to get her to sleep. I then get woken up for a few feeds during the night still.

Utterly knackered and know this isn't life ever after. Baby will go to her own room during the next 6 mths and hopefully night waking goes away like our DD1's.

I'm busy with the kids all day and so don't think that much about it but really, I feel pretty crap about my relationship, sex wise. DH and I had the most amazingly charged sex life before kids came along. Now there's just nothing and he doesn't even really try with me anymore as he knows it such hard work.

I don't even think about sex now ever. ( I used to. Used to ALL the time!)

It's not me feeling self conscious about my body. Luckily been left largely unscathed by pregnancies and look pretty much like I used to. It seems to be utterly hormonal as I just don't even think beyond being a mummy now.

I'm a SAHM. My life is totally focussed on being a mum and everything I do all day is about the kids. I have no family near us who can babysit or help generally. My DH works long hours. Leaves house before 7am and back after 8pm. No fault of his own. He has demanding job (I used to have same job so totally understand the pressures) and I don't give him stick for that at all as that's not an issue. Only mentioning this for you to appreciate there's no let up in me being 'mummy' 24/7.

I listen to myself sometimes when I spk to DH and just think what a bore I've become. I've nothing to talk about except the kids. I'm everything I wd have laughed at before I had kids. Even piss myself off with all the nagging and general chat. God knows my DH must be bored of me despite his assurances to the contrary (bless him).

After all this info, guess what I'm asking is - do you ever really 'get it back' to how it was pre kids and stop being a neurotic mum or is it a different life forever now?

I'd like to be the carefree drunken nymph that I used to be.

Understand that right now, it's the hardest.

Be gentle with me. You know what answer I'd rather have... But please - just be honest?

Thanks. X

Hi eatssleepsfeeds

I didn't want to leave you hanging on for a reply and completely understand how you feel! I have DS1 (2) and DS2 (7mo) - 21 months between them and its surprised me just what a toll its taken on everything.

I've just finished BF and can feel my libido slowly coming back but these things do take time. Have you spoken to your DH? I am very fortunate that DH and I have always discussed things openly and he has always been v understanding of how tired/shit/unsexy I've felt these past 12 months (had a very tiring pregnancy) and has always said he's happy to wait for me to get myself back on track.

It is hard with 2 small DCs but you will find the time and it will get easier. Look back on the last few months and see how far you've come already! Find a friend who you trust that will babysit - thats what we do, also have family that live too far away. You may go out and only talk about the kids but at least you're out and its a start!

Talk to your DH, tell him how you feel. Reconnection is as much about communicating as it is about the physical side of things and becoming a couple again.

x

I have been trying to decide whether to post a very similar question Op. I have namechanged for this. It's horrid I just don't recognise myself now. My Dp is amazing but works long hours so i hardly see him and then we're both shattered. Ds2 is 7 months so i probably won't bf for much longer butI'm scared that this will be the death of us. Sex just isn't on my register any more. I don't think about it at all. Unfortunately i do have scars from pregnancy and labour and my boobs are unrecognizable . I feel so self conscious about it and i was always confident about how my body looked.

I can't offer any advice but i hope it helps to know that you're not the only one.

Thanks allibaba.

Yes, DH is really understanding and we talk about everything including my useless lack of hormones. He's just as hopeful as I am that this all just rectifies itself in time.

We*ll defo be trying to get out at some point soon. Maybe stay with relatives and leave little ones with them if all ok. X

You will come back out of this. Give yourself more time. Your body & mind are presently caught up with babies/very demanding small children.

You can find the old sexual yous again. It can take some effort but don't be too hard on yourselves when you have tiny tackers. Things will be different and your focus is different, because it has to be.

Remember, you both (in the relationship) chose to have a family and that inevitably has consequences for your sex lives. You have to adapt and talk and be patient with each other. It's not gone forever.

"This too will pass"

it won't always be this way.
I breast fed my three for extended periods, worked night duty five nights in a fortnight and dh was working as a nurse tutor and doing a MSc at the same time.
There were weeks when it felt like we hadn't spoken let alone made love!
I look back on it now and wonder how we ever found the time or the energy! We often used to set the alarm early to catch a few mins together before the kids woke up-it was difficult to keep me awake long enough at night for a kiss let alone anything else!

But it is a short time, in the timeline of a long relationship. Dh told me he loved my body whatever it's shape-heck it was our children that made it that way and he loved me for it.
We had a couple of nights away together once a year, once they were all happy to go Grandma's to stay, and worked hard to make those times romantic, rather than a time to sleep!
Our children are all grown now. and as they grew we found more and more time together-the exhaustion lessened and became more inventive about creating that time together.
Our relationship and sex life has become better and better as the years have gone by, based on shared experiences and deep love.
I'm 54 now and he is 10 years older and I promise it's better than ever!

Thanks d. Your kind words are touching and hopeful. X

Julienoshoes - that is the exact thing I wanted to hear right now. Mumsnet is a really amazing thing. Instant answers/comfort to a present problem. Thank you so much. X

TwoLeft - missed your post somehow. Glad I'm not alone but gutted for you that you're looking for answers like me. Feel sure this is a temporary thing though and feeling inspired by these kind ladies who are confirming that hope. Feel guilty even whinging about life really. Have 2 lovely little girls and am complaining about me not getting my end away. Just want it all, I just get frustrated that DH and I are not as good as we were. X

It'll come.

[hehee]

I'm 9 years on from where you are now, it took until DD was about a year to really get my libido back. As we also co slept DHand I found the sofa, shower and other rooms in the house were the ways to get things fun again.

Once DD was sleeping thought the night and no longer BF everything went back to being better than before.

There is hope, but not as you know it

Give it time. The good new is that after BFing for ages lots of women find their nipples become really sensitive (in a good way ). Good to know all those months of finding the idea of a man near your breasts hideous has some recompence in the end.

I'm chuffed. Thanks everyone. X

yes, it did for me (us)

it took a while

but it happened, with bells on

I have an 8 year old and a 9 month old. So not quite as full on as 2 close in age but still this time around we're reminding ourselves it does come back and things will get great again as it did before.

OP, you read my mind! Everybody talks about how soon or not you can have sex after birth, not whether you'll want it or not! This is our 1st baby so I'm v relieved to hear it gets better, from other ladies.

I had stitches this time, as I told people, I don't generally check if a wound has successfully healed by rubbing a penis vigorously against it. And that's besides the tiredness and breastfeeding!

thank you for asking what i wasn't brave enough to op. And thank god for mumsnet. I knew bfing had a contraceptive effect but this isn't what i was expecting. I'm so relieved that it's probably just another phase and will.hopefully wear off.

It is the BFing, it has killed my libido both times.

I am still feeding DS2, 16 months, and I've not long had my periods back but my libido has resurfaced a little and sex is back as part of our lives again - thank goodness!

I have 3DCs. I wished ante-natal classes addressed this issue head on as a priority over some of the stuff that we did.

Tbh I don't get why you all think it is hormonal and down to breastfeeding?

Having a small baby who doesn't sleep through, dealing with changed feelings about or in your body, dealing with the SAHM isolation is much more likely to be the cause I think.

Either way it will be temporary, I think it gets worse if you make it into a big thing in your mind. I think also sex is very often man orientated in the past this might have been enjoyable for you but if there have been big barriers put in the way and you are exhausted and unhappy clearly and obviously you are not going to care about his orgasm as much and if you have been having children crawling all over you all day you may not want to be touched, you likely won't be fantasising about it either.

This shouldn't be a problem, if you don't want sex at the moment this is fine. If you miss it then the ways you can normally feel more in the mood are often nothing to do with sex but involve getting more of yourself back by having outside children hobbies and by having a partner that helps with housework and childcare so you don't feel quite so subsumed by the children.

This I write as someone who breastfed twins to 2 years old and had two older children who were 3 and 4 when they were born.

I think people make the connection between breastfeeding and libido loss because the intense period of BF coincides with the newborn/young baby phase when you are dealing with an intensely needy newborn/young baby who doesn't sleep and is actually practically more work... As well as the physical changes and birth being more recent.

I mean I actually feel like it is a bit crazy to want sex in that situation. Intimacy doesn't need to completely revolve around sex and I actually think it is bad for a relationship if it does.

I get what you mean Offred. There's a lot going on after a new arrival. Sleep deprivation, possible body issues, that groundhog day feeling when you're at home with little people and not necessarily used to it, and all the hormones. I used to get irritated with DP when he would want a cuddle as soon as i had put down dc, it wasn't always that i didn't want to cuddle just that i wanted two sodding minutes with my arms free and my own space. It must have got better at some point though cos we now have ds2

I didnt bf with dd1 but I am currently with dd2. We have still been having sex the same though as luckily I had a quick labour with no stitches and we were back to normal after 3 weeks. I am dryer before we start but as soon as we are in to it I am not.

I think it depends on your mindset really. I have no problem with having sex then if we get interupted going back to it. I have seen posts on this forum saying that puts some people off. We also text a lot of sexy things through the day and are very huggy/kissy when at home. All that gets us both in the mood.