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Original poster

what was it like between you and DH soon after you married?

31 replies

skiesmylimit · 09/08/2012 19:07

Just wondering, we keep arguing. We got married on the 28th july.

We have some stress, 2 young kids (3 and 14weeks). We are putting through applications to buy a house.

We just had a HUGE argument, I was cooking dinner (as usual), he was sat playing on his phone. I said to him I don't think the chips are perfect as their oven ones, he turned n said well don't put them on my plate, which I then replied why not? Do it yourself if your not happy with it. He then tried to push me out kitchen so he could finish it off, I said no I've done it and don't push me, so he started screaming F*ck off to me, I said don't say that to me, he kept repeating it to me, so I lost it and threw his dinner in the sink!!

He's now stormed out and god knows where he's gone, dressed up :(

It was a very stupid argument. But I don't think he should talk to me like that.

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 09/08/2012 19:09

Not like that.

joanofarchitrave · 09/08/2012 19:10

Blimey.

Was it anything like this before you married?

Beamae · 09/08/2012 19:13

I'm not sure what to say about the argument. It obviously out of control. But what I will say is that just because you are recently married doesn't automatically mean you are going to be in some loved up fairytale. Might happen for some but with an established relationship it may also just be back to reality.

JustFabulous · 09/08/2012 19:15

How were things before you got married?

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 09/08/2012 19:16

Tricky. Very tricky. For the first year I think one or other of us was packing our bags on an almost weekly basis. We argued over the most ridiculous things (but not quite in the same way you describe) but we've been married for 23 years now and we've weathered one hell of a lot of storms along the way without too many arguments.

Beamae · 09/08/2012 19:18

Also, we are in the process of buying a house and this has led to some ear splitting screaming matches! Over very little too. I know that they are not indicative of any serious issues though and we make up pretty instantly. Arguing over chips might fall into the same category.

floramckitchen · 09/08/2012 19:18

I didn't notice any change from before we were married but we had lived together for 8 years beforehand. They do say that the first year of marriage is the hardest and I'm sure he'll apologise when he comes home. Silly to act like that over oven chips! What will he be like when there is a real ishoo to argue about??

Houseofplain · 09/08/2012 19:20

It is serious though.

He pushed her and repeatedly screamed fuck off to her. He's physically as well as verbally aggressive.

Houseofplain · 09/08/2012 19:20

Silly to act like that over oven chips! What will he be like when there is a real ishoo to argue about??

That's is when he will escalate I'm afraid.

Original poster
skiesmylimit · 09/08/2012 19:26

He's now txt me saying its not working. WTF.

We wernt great before, but not like this. We had arguments, we always have. Wev been together 4 n half years, both young (22) and a lot has happened in our relationship. We have overcome MANY serious fall outs. And that's because I love him always will.

OP posts:
floramckitchen · 09/08/2012 19:27

Maybe he is daunted at the prospect of being a home owning husband. It could be the weight of all that responsibility and a family too thats putting him on edge. Maybe he just needs time to adjust and get his head round it all.

dontlaugh · 09/08/2012 19:30

My parents were like this. Still are. It was my greatest wish that they would separate so we could have a childhood not filled with screaming violent hate filled arguments. Maybe ask yourself what things will be like in 5/10/20 years time, if the answer is 'the same' then what are you getting out of this relationship?

Houseofplain · 09/08/2012 19:32

Yes, it's not working. So you shut up, behave, apologise, be a good wife. You should be the one calling the shots as he physically assaulted you. So he's emotionally blackmailing you now.

He is abusive. He will escalate. Not like this before? It's escalating.

Stress my foot. Does he get through the working day without physically pushing his colleagues and screaming at them to fuck off? Yes? So why does he do it to you in company of his dc's?

floramckitchen · 09/08/2012 19:42

I think Houseofplain has a point. He is trying to manipulate the situation so that you are the one doing all the apologising. Be careful and don't be a doormat or you will be a doormat for the rest of your marriage.

tb · 09/08/2012 20:15

Hell due to obnoxious mil who thought that her precious last born (who'd paid all the bills for 5 years prior to marrying) should go 'home' to the outskirts of Liverpool when we were living in Wirral.

He walked out once, walked around the block and came home 20 mins later. 35 years on, retirement is another matter!

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/08/2012 20:25

Well we had arguments, we had been together for 5 years, never spent more than 14 hours apart etc but no it wasnt like that.

We've had some proper shouting arguments but he's never pushed me.

Houseofplain · 09/08/2012 20:35

Op you've gone quiet are you ok?

This man is abusive. Do you have anyone on rl to talk to? Call WA.

Original poster
skiesmylimit · 10/08/2012 09:45

Sorry, yes I'm ok. Just been a bit busy with the kids.

He's on nights so was at work last night, and bed all day today. Wev not really spoke more than one word to eachother.

OP posts:
Spice17 · 10/08/2012 09:56

Did he seem to have any doubts before the wedding? Or raise any concerns with you beforehand? Was there pressure from family about getting married?

Maybe he's scared of the responsibility of it all (not sticking up for him at all) Perhaps he feels he made a mistake? Shouldn't take it out on you though!

HellonHeels · 10/08/2012 10:05

When DH and I first married we had a LOT of arguments and shouting, something about realising the potential finality of it seemed to ramp up the pressure somehow, so I don't really think arguing or rows per se are that unusual.

However your husband's behaviour is not OK at all. Pushing and shoving you is violent and abusive. Where were your children while this took place?

When you say 'we have overcome MANY serious fallouts' did these involve violence, pushing and shoving you and swearing at you?

NicknameTaken · 10/08/2012 11:48

Yes, my first year of marriage was like that. The marriage lasted less than 18 months. This idea that "the first year is always the hardest" was very confusing for me. I thought if I could get past the first year, it would get better. Well, it didn't.

Physically pushing you and screaming at you is not good, not good at all. I decided that I was not going to live like that or permit my DD to grow up in that environment.

needsomeperspective · 10/08/2012 16:01

First year was tough, difficult to get used to being together constantly (had a LDR for part of the time before marriage). Lots of arguments, often about nothing or manufactured by him. It was very stressful. Every year since has been better and better. Now have 2 kids and married 4 years and have learned how to discuss instead of row. We hardly ever fight and get on like .... well like an old married couple and are very very happy most of the time.

floramckitchen · 10/08/2012 16:33

Hope you're ok op.
Maybe you can try and have a talk with him later if he's not on nights.

good luck

Original poster
skiesmylimit · 10/08/2012 16:44

Thankyou all,

I don't want to give up, he is very concealed, as in he won't talk and keeps things to himself. I try talking as I find it better to express my feelings and concerns, yet he doesn't, and certainly doesn't want to confront any problems we may have.

He is on nights tonight :( last one of the week! But we have an extremely busy day tomorrow but I have a feeling that it will help us.

We are at an uncles wedding, starts at 1, the church then a meal then the reception. The kids are stopping at a friends for the day and night. So we have some 'us' time. I think ill try and have a chat to him tomorrow night, when we're at reception when we're both a bit tipsy

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 10/08/2012 16:47

I would strongly advise you do not have a "talk" with this already physically abusive man. When you are both under the influence of alcohol.

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