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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any ideas on how I can manage my mum?

35 replies

TortoiseshellCat · 09/08/2012 17:37

I've just found out I'm pregnant. Very early days so DH and I are quietly happy. Will believe it more in a bit!!

I'd love to tell my mum. I have a complicated relationship with her, she's more on the bonkers side of life than the abusive - but she doesn't hold back from saying what she thinks. Think Hyacinth Bucket - she's all about appearances. She's very supportive but has a habit of making things all about her and twisting things to suit her.

But I'm holding off due to two particular instances with my SIL. SIL and DB live on the other side of the world, I live about 10 miles away from my parents.

One is that Mum told pretty much everyone at my wedding that SIL was pregnant with her DC2 and that the pregnancy wasn't viable - which she didn't want people to know (she was at 8 weeks and no heartbeat). So not only has my lovely SIL ended up having to have an op and deal with all that emotion, but also with a maelstorm of emails which my mother has told people she would really appreciate all talking about her 'little predicament' - my mother's term for her pregnancy. SIL has sent a rather strongly worded email to Mum explaining about boundaries.

The other instance is that my SIL in her first pregnancy asked Mum not to tell anyone that she was pregnant. She just wanted to have her first scan and then it was fine. But Mum told our side of the family early. SIL let it go but was fairly annoyed.

Bearing this in mind, I'm inclined to hold off telling her because I don't want everyone to know before we're ready. And I don't want her to refer to it as my 'little predicament'! Also I'm not ready for her to tell everyone if something does happen and I don't get to 12 weeks - as she has done with various friend's children - almost glorying in being the one to tell me.

But then I think she'll just be so hurt if I don't tell her - and I would like to tell her in a couple of weeks when it's sunk in for me and DH - but I don't trust her not to tell people.

And I don't think it's fair to tell SIL and DB, because it's unreasonable to expect them to keep the secret if Mum and Dad don't know.

But this is the woman who upset me on the day I got engaged, and on my wedding day - I don't want her to ruin this for me too!!

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
TapirBackRider · 09/08/2012 17:45

I'm sorry to say, but your dm obviously can't be trusted to keep things to herself, and certainly with something this important.

Managing the information that you tell her would be my number one priority; if this means telling your SIL and DB but swearing them to secrecy for a few weeks, then so be it. You need to do what is best for you and your dh first, before you consider anyone else.

TheHouseofMirth · 09/08/2012 17:45

If you can bear to, why not just keep it to yourself until after the scan? You could even let her think that you'd only just found out so she doesn't think you've been keeping it a secret. It is exciting when you tell people but especially the first time it's quite lovely when only you and DH know.

TheHouseofMirth · 09/08/2012 17:46

Oh, and congratulations!

NoMoreWasabi · 09/08/2012 17:47

Don't tell her.

NatashaBee · 09/08/2012 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

danteV · 09/08/2012 17:48

If you tell her, she will tell everyone. If she is upset you haven't told her, tell her why.
I am very close to dbro and he knew first (out of everyone) about both my pgs.

Original poster
TortoiseshellCat · 09/08/2012 17:54

What makes me hesitate more (than usual!) is that there is a big family lunch when I'll be nine weeks. The temptation will be too much for her. I know what will happen - I'll be getting my food, or having half a glass of wine, and someone will say 'ooooh, I don't think you should be having that' with a coy look and I'll realise everyone knows but has been sworn to secrecy.

Sigh.

I'm going to have to not say anything at all, aren't I? And prepare for a strop of major proportions.

And thanks for the congrats, House!

OP posts:
ipswichwitch · 09/08/2012 18:01

We kept our pregnancy secret for a few weeks, and to get past the whole "why are u not drinking?" pressure I just said I was taking antibiotics. That shut most people up. Of course if your DM is the type to grill u at length as to why you're on them it may not work

OhGood · 09/08/2012 18:07

Really tricky.

Would not telling her and dealing with the strop be of any help in starting to define boundaries for her as a grandmother?

Also, WOW about the SIL thing.

mercury7 · 09/08/2012 18:07

if I dont trust someone I try to never give them an opportunity to hurt me, and if I cant rely on someone to behave rationally I tend to keep them a little at arms length and regard them as not quite a grown up.

(I also had a difficult mother who responded very unkindly when I told her I was pregnant)

I'm not sure how the strop should be dealt with, unless you can just rise above it or not take it seriously?

pippop1 · 09/08/2012 18:12

Tell her you were very worried and didn't want to tell anyone at all until you'd had the scan.

She won't be able to resist telling otherwise. But when you do tell her, make a big deal ask her over and make it a celebration. This will divert her from thinking why she didn't know before.

ovenchips · 09/08/2012 18:14

Congrats tortoiseshell! What lovely news.

Sorry but given every single thing you've said about your mother, I think if you do tell her, you will guarantee yourself very sore shins from all that kicking of yourself you will do.

mummyonvalium · 09/08/2012 18:21

If it were me I wouldn't tell her. If she asks why you didn't tell her sooner you have an easy way out by saying that you didn't tell anyone in case anything went wrong. I don't think it is mean at all.

mummyonvalium · 09/08/2012 18:22

and congratulations

TheHouseofMirth · 09/08/2012 18:22

Good advice form pippop1 and agree totally with what ohgood says about boundaries. Pregnant women seem to be seen as "public property " at the best of times and it will only get worse. especially if you are only 10 mins down the road. If she is hurt that you didn't tell her sooner then maybe it will be a good opportunity to explain why you didn't feel able to tell her sooner?

ChooChooLaverne · 09/08/2012 18:25

Another one here with a mother like yours. I work on a need to know basis. If it's something I don't mind the world and his wife knowing about then I'll tell her. If it's not I keep it to myself and to hell with how hurt she might feel if she finds out later.

When going through a difficult time leaving XH my DM asked me if I was going to tell her why I was leaving him. I wouldn't tell her and told her it was because I didn't want her gossiping about it to everyone!

And if your DM acts hurt, you can tell her it's because of her actions that you are unable to tell her something that you'd like to because you can't trust her to keep it to herself.

Thymeout · 09/08/2012 18:29

Don't tell her. You could say that after your SIL's experience, you wanted to spare her the worry of the early weeks.

mummyonvalium · 09/08/2012 18:33

Or alternatively you could pretend that you did not find out until you were like 13 weeks or so, if you are afraid of the strop. If it is a big family lunch I am sure it will be easy to slip under the radar and just say that you have not been feeling well.

Original poster
TortoiseshellCat · 09/08/2012 19:28

Thanks everyone - good to know that I'm not overreacting to this! DH and I will think very carefully.

Is it unreasonable to tell his mum and not mine? I love my MIL and she is capable of keeping secrets!

Oh - and we'll be careful of post birth photos too - she emailed round photos of my SIL mid-C-Section. She has a very big issue with boundaries.

Thanks for the congrats too!

OP posts:
Original poster
TortoiseshellCat · 09/08/2012 19:30

PS The argument would centre around her being hurt, not around why IYSWIM - she wouldn't get past that, and would be all hurt and turn everything else to do with this into a big 'ooh am I allowed to tell' thing - which might be more annoying in the long term!!

OP posts:
ModreB · 09/08/2012 19:42

Another one with a mother on a need to know basis as I can't trust her not spread the word far and wide. It's all "You didn't mind that I mentioned it to Mrs Smith at Church did you. She said she would ask the Vicar to pray for you on Sunday in the service. I know you said not to say, but she doesn't count really does she. Oh and I told DAunt, she doesn't count either" Angry

Yes. If I say please don't discuss it with anyone, it means please don't discuss it with anyone

But, CONGRATULATIONS Thanks

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/08/2012 19:44

Your mother has no idea of boundaries, you are going to have to raise your own personal boundary re her a lot higher than they are currently.

Ignore all strops, its being done by her to get attention and your attention.

It sounds like your mother likes all the drama and making it all about her, such types revel in other peoples discomforture.

I would also suggest you read up on narcissistic personality disorder, the website entitled daughters of narcissistic mothers may well be helpful to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/08/2012 19:46

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Would agree with the others to not say anything and keep as much information to your own selves re your own lives.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 09/08/2012 19:48

Don't tell her and if she does the whole upset routine explain to her that she told people about SIL's pregnancy when she expressly asked her not to and because of this you wanted to wait until you were past the 12 week period.

If she chooses to be angry about this then that is her problem which she has caused for herself.

If you tell no one else then she will have less grounds for feeling hurt.

Original poster
TortoiseshellCat · 09/08/2012 20:24

Modre, that's exactly it!!

Thanks for the book recommendation Attila.

We're going to keep it to ourselves til post the family lunch at least. Thanks for support.

OP posts:
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