Any ideas on how I can manage my mum?

[TortoiseshellCat]

I've just found out I'm pregnant. Very early days so DH and I are quietly happy. Will believe it more in a bit!!

I'd love to tell my mum. I have a complicated relationship with her, she's more on the bonkers side of life than the abusive - but she doesn't hold back from saying what she thinks. Think Hyacinth Bucket - she's all about appearances. She's very supportive but has a habit of making things all about her and twisting things to suit her.

But I'm holding off due to two particular instances with my SIL. SIL and DB live on the other side of the world, I live about 10 miles away from my parents.

One is that Mum told pretty much everyone at my wedding that SIL was pregnant with her DC2 and that the pregnancy wasn't viable - which she didn't want people to know (she was at 8 weeks and no heartbeat). So not only has my lovely SIL ended up having to have an op and deal with all that emotion, but also with a maelstorm of emails which my mother has told people she would really appreciate all talking about her 'little predicament' - my mother's term for her pregnancy. SIL has sent a rather strongly worded email to Mum explaining about boundaries.

The other instance is that my SIL in her first pregnancy asked Mum not to tell anyone that she was pregnant. She just wanted to have her first scan and then it was fine. But Mum told our side of the family early. SIL let it go but was fairly annoyed.

Bearing this in mind, I'm inclined to hold off telling her because I don't want everyone to know before we're ready. And I don't want her to refer to it as my 'little predicament'! Also I'm not ready for her to tell everyone if something does happen and I don't get to 12 weeks - as she has done with various friend's children - almost glorying in being the one to tell me.

But then I think she'll just be so hurt if I don't tell her - and I would like to tell her in a couple of weeks when it's sunk in for me and DH - but I don't trust her not to tell people.

And I don't think it's fair to tell SIL and DB, because it's unreasonable to expect them to keep the secret if Mum and Dad don't know.

But this is the woman who upset me on the day I got engaged, and on my wedding day - I don't want her to ruin this for me too!!

Any thoughts?

tortoiseshell, my MIL told all my SIL's (DH's brother's wife's) family when we were staying near them on a short break.. I was about 8 weeks, and really sick, and was supposed to be at a BBQ. She announced to everyone why I wasn't there. I hated it. Only our parents were meant to know, even my beloved grandma didn't know at that point, and yet a whole party of aquaintances had been told. She was well and truly told off by my DH.

Everything went well with that pregnancy, but I have had 2 miscarriages since. I am currently pregnant again, and thankfully she has not repeated that past performance.

If you know she is going to blab, dont tell her. It's scary enough without a big crowd of people knowing...

My apologies OP, I replied to your original post just as I was leaving for work, and omitted the and a big congrats on your pregnancy!

Thanks for the words of advice everyone.

Sadly I've had a miscarriage. I'm trying really hard not to tell her, but all I really want is my mum. DH away with work but has been fantastic, but agrees that it would just make it harder to tell her.

What will be will be. I don't want everyone knowing so therefore I can't say anything - I just have to accept that it's a shift in our relationship.

Oh not good.

If it helps, I lost my one at 11 weeks, but I had told my mother. the world then found out about my miscarriage and it was all about her losing her DGC, not me losing my baby.

If you don't think your mum could just support you without telling the world, keep it to yourself. Could you talk to your SIL for some support and make it clear after what had happened to her you don't want your mum knowing? I'm sure they would respect that given the history.

sorry that should be

DH and I told no one each time until after scan (and until we had blood test results back with scan, so probably until 14 weeks) - just don't say anything, if she later asks why, just say that you wanted to wait for the scan to be sure everything ok. And we had no reason to keep it quiet as both my parents and parents in law would have been able to keep it secret.

Tortoiseshell I'm so very sorry to hear that (((hugs)))

thanks folks x

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage Dontmind, that's exactly the sort of situation I want to avoid. I don't think it's fair on my SIL in all honesty - and my DB isn't very good at keeping secrets, for all that he's on the other side of the world!

Sorry - I wouldn't think twice about this - Don't tell her.

If she does have the gaunt to get upset when you eventually tell her then simply ignore it, don't rise to her hideously selfish behaviour and just be happy that you have a new baby to be excited about!

Congratulations by the way