How to keep a failed marriage going?

[OhTheGlamour]

Could anyone give me some help? I'm a regular MNer who has name-changed for this thread. I don't love OH and don't like him much a lot of the time. He has an incurable illness and is also passive aggressive. (sorry - don't want to ramble on too much but those two facts will hopefully give some idea of what I'm dealing with). I can't/won't leave him because of the DC's and I know he won't leave (I kind of wish he would though).

Has anyone else decided to just soldier on and if so how on earth do you do it?

You vcan't, why would you want to?

I remeber my parents marriage in it's final throes, it was goddawful being in the same house as either of them. Don't inflict that onto your children. Don't they deserve happy parents?

I haven't done this but my grandparents did and my DH's parents are doing it.

It brings nothing but suffering and misery for at least one of the parties in the marriage, and the fallout for the wider family is huge.

"Doing it for the DCs" might seem noble and/or imperative but believe me, DCs are not blind, deaf or stupid. They notice things. DH and his brother are permanently affected by their parents' sham of a marriage. My mum was f**d up beyond belief by her parents' sham of a marriage.

I suspect that the illness is playing a key part here. Are you worried that your DCs will hate or resent you for splitting up with their dad? Or do you think that your OH is a good father and that he should have a daily part in their lives? Because if he's passive aggressive I suspect he isn't much of a role model. If you feel guilty about splitting the family up while OH is (terminally?) ill I understand, but if he is making the marriage unbearable you don't owe him anything.

It isn't clear whether your OH is likely to live a long time with his incurable illness or whether you are waiting for the inevitable to happen within the next couple of years ..... But it is your life too. If the marriage is over, it is over, and an incurable illness cannot change that.

If he was well but still passive aggressive, what would you do?

P.S. A bit more detail about my ILs. MIL is staying with FIL even though she doesn't love him, has had a miserable marriage and is desperate for him to just die and leave her to get on with what's left of her life. FIL is blissfully unaware of this; adores MIL yet treats her like shit has her waiting on him hand and foot (he has massive issues - can't and won't bore you with those).

What I'm saying is - FIL is happy at MIL's expense. Why should she have to put up with that? What gives him the right to be happy at the expense of his wife?

thanks for responding and giving me the opportunity to talk this over! I have an appointment (on my own) with Relate on Monday too.

yes I'm worried DCs will hate and resent me for splitting up with their beloved dad. No he's not much of a role model, but DC's know he's ill. They are early teens.

Yes OH is likely to live a long time - he has PD. We aren't happy but I can't see how either of us would be happy apart, either. I'm not feeling noble about staying together, just feel there's no alternative. for a start, if we sell the house, there would not be enough to buy 2 houses or even a house and a flat. I couldn't take the DCs to a hostel - that would be far worse than what they are going through right now.

Crikey why would you want to stay?

If you find him miserable to be with and don't like him, what makes you think your children do? (or will, once they get older)

I honestly believe that life is too short to spend it living with someone who makes you unhappy. And by association, your children will be or become unhappy. How old are they? Children are remarkably resilient and you may find they cope far better than you think they will. Better as a child to live with one happy parent than two miserable ones.

But Sidge, I am happy a lot of the time, when with the DCs etc. They are 13,14 and 16 yrs btw.
Why would I want to stay? Because, I can't leave - the logistics are impossible.

Your children will not thank you in the long run for staying with your husband. Indeed it is a horrible burden to put on them, that you sacrificed your chance at happiness for them. You must be brave and find a way out, there is a way if you look hard enough.

Do you think you would be able to leave when the DC leave home? They'll all be gone in not too many years, and it will just be you and your H rattling around together. I imagine that might be really unbearable.

In which case, it is not so much about staying forever, but finding a way to stay on decent terms for another five years or so.

I don't think it's the best thing to do but then again if you don't really have other options, it could be doable. BUT you and your H would have to be on the same page about it, you would have to be open about the fact that you are just trying to coexist and find ways of getting along.

Sorry to be dense but what's PD?

I've NCd to answer this one.

I did it - stayed because it wasn't bad enough to leave, and I know other women in RL who do it too. As you say, the consequences of leaving appear to be worse than staying, so we stay.

I survived by getting a life. I retrained so that I would be able to support myself if the day came that I needed to - and anyway it gave me a focus. In the end I didn't need to leave as he did and I think if he hadn't I would have stayed for ever. I wasn't totally miserable - it just wasn't the marriage and happily ever after that I thought I was getting, even though I didn't have a disney view of what that should be (but maybe I did?) but I did take my vows of "better or worse" seriously as no-one in my family gets divorced . As you say, it's perfectly possible to have some very happy times, particularly with the DCs and for me, even with him.

I hope the relate session helps you to clarify what you should do. I am certainly happier now, but even in hindsight I don't think it would have been right for me to leave until the DCs were independent.

Why would anyone want to keep a failed marriage going when it's infinitely better for all concerned to end it?

Living with someone you don't like and don't love is an exercise in futility that will depress your spirits and turn you into a pale facsimile of what you could have been.

If you don't already, you'll end up resenting him and regretting that you squandered years of your life on a lost cause.

It seems that you're using your dc as an excuse to avoid taking control of your life and living it as its meant to be lived, and you should be asking youself what example you're setting them for their future relationships.

Do you want them to settle for considerably less than second best too?

dreaming - PD = parkinsons disease. yes I often speculate about later on when the DCs are a bit older. That could be the way forward. I'm not sure about discussing the idea with OH though.

glasto - i haven't sacrificed my chance of happiness, I do have happy times, and as Ohyes says, sometimes even with him. Thank you Ohyes - your post is really useful. And I also come from that type of family.

You can't, and your children will be a lot worse off if you stay together. My BIL/exSIL stayed together well past their marriages best by date, and their teens knew it. Basically the boys were all spending as much time out of the house as they could by 14, and its only now that they have split up that the boys have come back to it

Won't the PD get progressively worse? If so will your dh become dependent on you. In a loving partnership that is difficult enough. Will the dc feel you are walking out on their ill dad?

FWIW here is an example of the sort of thing I am putting up with.

I ended up going on a city break with OH the other week. a long story, but one of the DCs had been going on a summer camp type thing there, I'd booked a room so I could stay nearby and have a bit of a holiday too. turned out DC couldn't go so I suggested that rather than waste the pre-booked train tickets and guesthouse, OH and i go instead.

I had envisaged a chilled time wandering around and reading in coffee shops (he isn't that active and loves reading etc) but OH made it pretty miserable really. I would have enjoyed it far more on my own, as originally planned. Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I asked him for some cash so I could put petrol in car. He knows I'm penniless til Monday (I won't go into why, but something out of my control meant I'm £400 down). He made a major deal about this, and of course dragged up the week we had away together, saying we should never ever have gone because it cost him a fortune.

anniewoo yes I am sure the DCs would feel that way, and that's why I won't leave - at least not yet. Perhaps when DC's are older they would be able to understand why I left?

I feel like I do love him, but in the same way you might love a really really annoying/draining brother. IYSWIM!

Logistics can seem insurmountable but in reality may not be.

A very good piece of advice I saw from another poster re : not being able to buy 2 houses in the event of a split was as follows -

'Sell the house. Split the equity. Use some of it as a deposit for a rented house. Keep the rest as an emergency fund. Don't let the worry about not being able to buy another house keep you in a bad marriage. Is it worth more to you to own a house than to be happy, and for your children to be happy, when you could have a good life of your own in a rented house?'

I think we all put blocks in our own way in difficult situations where big change is scaring us, but there are very rarely situations which are absolutely impossible to change (otherwise abused spouses would not walk out to a refuge with only the clothes on their backs). Not saying you are in that situation, but just making the point that however bad it is, you can get out if you really need to.

I was unhappy and just created a kind of sub life for myself and was happy there but not as his wife iyswim ? I was lazy and comfortable and didnt know where to start in terms of ending things

Luckily he had a bit more OW backbone than me and left doing us both a huge favour

It seems like mission impossible but isnt and from what you say your marriage has run its course. Dont get me wrong those first few months were agony, splitting even when its for the best is heartbreaking. Now though , soooooo worth it at whatever price

But onthebottom equity is one thing, but having to rent two places, even if they were both 1 bedroom, would leave me, for example, having rent of minimum £2000 a month to pay, out of a salary of £1250. suppose you have 2 kids and therefore perhaps need at least one of the places to be 2 bedroom. where is the income going to come from? If I still had more than £16000 equity left I wouldn't be eligible for housing benefit. I have no idea how people afford to split up.

You love him like 'an annoying brother'. There's more to life than that, a lot more. You wouldn't want to spend the rest of your life living with an annoying brother would you? Of course not.

You say you can't imagine either of you being happy apart, I think that's a bit of a cop out. You'd be much better off apart.

What I'm saying is - FIL is happy at MIL's expense. Why should she have to put up with that? What gives him the right to be happy at the expense of his wife?

Well if you don't mind me saying so, that's the MIL's lookout. If she's dumb enough to stick around in a miserable half life of a relationship, waiting on him hand and foot and waiting for him to die then quite frankly she deserves what she gets. The FIL is not responsible for her happiness. She's copped out and handed her own responsibility for her own happiness to someone who doesn't value it. What does she expect will happen?

You need to realise you only get one life and as the cliche says 'you can't make a silk purse out of a pigs ear' The marriage is dead, give it a decent burial and move on.

I know two people whose parents split up soon after the youngest Dc left home, where it emerged that one or both partners had been unhappy for years but stayed until the DC had left home. They were angry and hurt, and felt that their teen years had been a sham. One had been aware of problems and tension. They felt responsible for their parents' choice to stay together "for the children".

Dozer, yes I've heard of that sort of thing too.
It's so difficult.
But, realistically, what joanofarchitrave says rings true. I have 3 DCs - even if 2 of them shared a room (having been used to their own rooms) I would still need a 3 bedroom house.
And they might want to stay with dad, anyway. In which case i am on my own.

Scarletfoya, I don't think OH would be happier apart from me and DCs, if DCs came with me that is.

Yes but his happiness is not your problem. Yours is the only happiness that you are responsible for.

But I would have no possibility of my own happiness if I left and the DCs wanted to stay with their dad. I would rather stay in the relationship and put up with the passive aggressive shit and the poor little me stuff that I get shoved down my throat morning noon and night.