How to keep a failed marriage going?

[OhTheGlamour]

Could anyone give me some help? I'm a regular MNer who has name-changed for this thread. I don't love OH and don't like him much a lot of the time. He has an incurable illness and is also passive aggressive. (sorry - don't want to ramble on too much but those two facts will hopefully give some idea of what I'm dealing with). I can't/won't leave him because of the DC's and I know he won't leave (I kind of wish he would though).

Has anyone else decided to just soldier on and if so how on earth do you do it?

Do you think Relate will help? Are things salvageable at all?

I'm normally of the 'life is too short, get out' school of thought, but for some reason I'm really feeling your dilemma here. If you're not sure anyone would be happier if you split, why do it? Maybe you can find a way to sort of have seprate lives within the same house.

It sounds like you have separate finances though, what's up with that? That sounds worrying, especially if he has these kinds of health issues.

"stayed because it wasn't bad enough to leave, and I know other women in RL who do it too. As you say, the consequences of leaving appear to be worse than staying, so we stay.

I survived by getting a life. I retrained so that I would be able to support myself if the day came that I needed to - and anyway it gave me a focus. ... I wasn't totally miserable - it just wasn't the marriage and happily ever after that I thought I was getting, even though I didn't have a disney view of what that should be (but maybe I did?) but I did take my vows of "better or worse" seriously as no-one in my family gets divorced"

And me. I understand this too. Giving up my hopes accepting that love and openness and sharing is not going to happen for me, but he simply isn't bad enough to leave. 'If only' he would work on his ishooos is a futile wish, because he simply is not going to. We could be so happy, if he did.

Regarding the weekend, the trick is to get to a place where he simply does not affect you any more, and that takes a LOT of 'me' work. One book I am finding invaluable (on my Kindle for permanent reference) is 'Enough about you, what about me?' which is how to maintain your sense of self around self absorbed people. So when he starts, you can abslutely know that he is being a twunt and it is his problem, know this in the marrow of your bones, and say calmly 'how sad you feel that way' - as you walk out of the room. It is called 'delicate detachment' because you stay respectful of yourself and of him, and you don't get caught up in reactions which are as bad as his. Passive Agressive people WANT you to get angry, so you express what they are denying, and so that they keep their sense of power. When you stay calm you absolutely foil this and you decline to play. What they do with that is entirely not the issue (because that focusses on them and becomes a power struggle, which they are masters of winning). The issue is what you do.

Yes, why do you have separate finances?

Relate was recommended by the counsellor I saw today about one of my DCs. The conclusion was reached that DC had overcome the sleeping issue that had led us to family counselling in the first place, but that I should seek advice from Relate. So I called them this afternoon and got an appointment for Monday. I've no idea whether it will be of any help, but the counsellor today suggested it might help me to discuss what possible effects the state of the marriage may or may not be having on the DCs.

I would like to sort of have separate lives within the same house - or ideally in two separate houses next door to eachother. Would be perfect! Although he would still drone on about money at every opportunity. "I've just had a massive Barclaycard bill you know. " when I remind him we need to get some presents for DC's birthday. I say "it's ok, I will pay for the meal in the (cheap) restaurant that DC wants to go to with 2 friends." Him: "oh I feel bad, I'll pay for it." Me: "ok then." Him: "I can't go on spending money like this you know." Me: "I said I'd pay." Him: "I feel really bad ..." and on and on and on, excecpt that this doesn't really portray how angsty and resentful he sounds.
And then, DC: "please stop arguing about my birthday!"
Sorry I;m rambling now.
Yes, we have separate finances and always have done.

If you did leave, could you continue to live fairly near each other so the DC could spend time each week with you both?

Do you have a job with good prospects? If not, maybe that's something you could gradually work towards, like ohyes, it'd enhance your options.

Small flats really are not so bad!

Sorry, but are you married OP?

Separate finances aren't so terrible I guess as long as stuff is roughly fair?

V sad for the DC to hear their father quibbling over paying for a birthday treat.

Oh Abitwobbly I crossed posts with you - thank you so much for that post.

I am going to get that on my kindle NOW.
the kindle that I can't live without, and that HE bought me for my birthday. [conflicting feelings etc]!
what you say is helpful.

Why do we have separate finances... I don't know, we always have! It suits me as much as it suits him though. I like to sometimes spend my money on things that he wouldn't really approve of and that;s my business...

yes, married.

DC wants the laptop to watch something on catch-up and I'm going to let her have it now... will check back later and thank you everybody who has posted, every post is helpful and there are some that are incredibly understanding of something that simply is not a black or white situation

Why would you have to rent 2 places? If he has his own income and you separate should he not be renting his own place?

Also, are you part time or full time - could you take on more work if you were separated? Do you spend a lot of time/energy on his needs/ do all the housework etc?

I'm not trying to push you towards any decision but just to give you some alternatives to think about, my personal situation is nothing like yours so I may be talking complete crap so please forgive me if nothings useful, it is intended to be! (on my own, teenage dd, work full time, never any involvement of any sort from ex). Perhaps because I'm quite cheerful to be on my own it holds no fears for me, so I can be a bit forceful about the joys of a single life!

I so feel for you Glamour

A lot of people like to see things in black or white ... you know the "Leave the bastard" line of posting. But life is often so much more complicated than that, and there are a lot of grey areas I find. In fact sometimes you feel you're living in a right fog ?!

My DC's are teens/ pre-teens too. I know how you feel (at least sometimes) ... and know what it's like to consider different options and scenarios both now and for the future

For me basically I find DH's behaviour sometimes completely unacceptable - not often but regularly over 25 years. Where I go from there with two pre-teens to consider as well I really don't know.

I guess I mainly keep hoping he could change his occasional erratic bad behaviour, and like you am also partly biding my time too x

Hmm your last posts change things a bit -- you had implied the DC were fine with things but it sounds like in fact your marriage is having negative effects on them as well. That might be more of a reason to leave.

My parents used to argue about doing things for me and it was awful, it has really messed me up quite a bit long-term. If you do stay please at least try to have these kinds of arguments out of their hearing.

I said renting two places because my dh is not working due to illness and since the OP's dh is also ill, I thought we were in a similar situation. May not be so, of course.

onthebottom do you mean that OH would move out and rent somewhere and I would stay in the house with the DCs? that doesn't seem at all fair to me, I could never do that. For a start, he owns half the house by law...and also, most of the equity is his anyway.

my OH is still working, btw.

Why doesn't that seem fair to you?

The fairest thing is for the children to stay in their house. If you are the primary carer then you would stay with them.

I think you may already know this (and DHs personality may have always been like it) but PD and the medication used can have profound effects on mood and temprament and personality.

Its thought that at least 50% of PD sufferers have a moderate or severe level of depression due to both dealing with the prognosis and the chemical effects the disease has on the brain.

If you hadn't though of viewing his behaviour through the lens of 'hmmm, I wonder if he's depressed' then please would you try it for a while?

If this is totally irrelevant to your situation then sorry - and hope you find a way forward x

Timetosmile - that is completely relevant to the situation, thank you for bringing it back to this ..... yes, he is depressed and yes he has been depressed for a long while as far as I can tell. Unfortunately he refuses to do anything about this. OTOH I am on fluoxetine because it works for me and has done for 10 years now because I take responsibility for my own health because I know how it affects those around me if I am not well. Sorry if I'm sounding bitter now. It's just that he doesn't view his illness in terms of how it affects others, whereas any illness that I might have I automatically have it in context of the whole family IYSWIM.

Have you tried the Parkinsons Society for some help /counselling specific to your situation? They're often very helpful.

Also your local authority will have the details of organisations local to you who can help / advise teens caring for/living in a family with chronic disease if you think that might help.

I'm sorry I don't have any easy answers and dont think there are any

thank you Timetosmile, I know about the P.Society but will look into local help for the teens.

Separate lives has worked for me as my ds is disabled and thankfully we both felt that it was important to stay in the same house for his sake. To take my mind off misery I studied and completed my qualifications (how I did that I now find hard to comprehend, it was a strong drive at the time). So I think it helps to do somethig to create more of a goal - and distance - in the process.
I have since bought my own small place and when my ds is not around I depart there.
I also went into marriage for better for worse, but sadly not my OH.

Have you thought about separating but staying in the same house?

Mushroom, how would that work then?

Went to relate today. The counsellor is going to give me strategies for coping with OH.

I was talking to someone a while ago and she and her dh had sold up the old family home and bought two one bedroomed flats with a connecting door between. They each had their own kitchen etc. She said it was that or divorce and they decided to move nearer kids and grandkids, with this arrangement, instead. Not a practical solution for most of us, but clearly some people come to arrangements which don't include divorce.

My DH is a grumpy git quite often, feels quite ok with dumping his anger over anything on me, doesn't do this with his friends or work colleagues, just me. And I have been getting more pissed off with it but that is not really why I am responding but I am interested in the responses.

My father was a miserable, grumpy alcoholic, drunk once or twice a week but over 50 years that is more than enough. So my Mum put up with this. I can remember thinking through what would have happened if she had left him (which I, naturally, thought she should have at the time).
There would have been the guilt and worry about leaving him on his own (couldn't even make a cup or tea), then moving to a new area near my mother's family, new school, and as my mum was a sociable type, eventually a new man in her life (not good from my view as a teenager), and I came to the conclusion that probably it might have been teh right decision for her to stay with him, from my pov not hers.

So - difficult for the OP. But I would say, and I am trying to do this myself in my own marriage which is good when he isn't being angry (DCs left home and comfortably off), that OP needs to form her own life not including DH. Hobbies, interests, new job, new qualifications. Perhaps get help in the house so you can go out and away from him more, work longer or whatever. So DH's behaviour is a minor irritation, not a depressing weight on your enjoyment of life. (this is sort of what my mother did, had interests and friends outside the home).

Apart from that I would suggest talking to DCs, not to condemn DH but to explain that you are finding DH difficult (They MUST have noticed this) and explain that you are trying to find more things to do outside the home to get a break (or whatever you say to explain things to them). I say this because nothing was EVER discussed when I was young, and your imagination makes things worse and the fact that you are never given the opportunity to express your anger or anxiety over what is obviously an unhappy situation is bad for you, your DCs might benefit from a chance to open up, I know I would have.