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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Isn't it a bit odd for a mum not to bother congratulating pregnant DD?

41 replies

threeleftfeet · 08/08/2012 11:59

Saw my Dad last Thursday, told him I'm pregnant with DC2. My mum came back from a holiday on Saturday.

She hasn't called, I wondered if Dad had forgotten to tell her (he's getting a bit absent minded these days) so I called.

But no, he did tell her. She's been a "bit busy catching up" after her holiday apparently so hadn't called.

This is an AIBU really. But posted it here as not sure I can cope with the visciousness of the real AIBU!

So ... AIBU to think this is a bit odd and unkind? Wouldn't you congratulate your DD if you found out she was pregnant?! MIL for example was delighted!

There are no underlying issues about me having babies or being with DP btw - they love both DS and DP.

My mum's just never really had much time for me. When she worked she said it was because of her workload. But now she's retired there are a million other excuses. It seems she's just not that interested in me - although she's always been interested in my academic / work achievements.

AIBU to be sad about this or should I just try to get over it?! I am nearly 40 after all!

OP posts:
HeathRobinson · 08/08/2012 12:05

Maybe she was hurt to learn the news 'secondhand' from your Dad. Couldn't you have waited and told them at the same time?

It's not wrong if you're sad or upset about it. Your feelings are your feelings. I wonder if you and your mum don't communicate too well, though?

And congratulations! Thanks

DappyHays · 08/08/2012 12:06

My mum didn't congratulate me second time round after being over the top excited first time.

She didn't get over herself until my DD2 was born.

DappyHays · 08/08/2012 12:07

Sorry I meant to say, I think the reason was that she wasn't first to know after DH, as per first time round.

Original poster
threeleftfeet · 08/08/2012 12:11

Thanks for the reply, but that's not my mum's style at all. i can honestly 100% say she doesn't care that I told my dad first. She wouldn't care if I announced it on the 6 o'clock news without telling her first.

I possibly rather she didn't call because she was in a huff about something, at least it'd show she cared!

I just don't think she's that bothered really. I don't think it would even occur to her that I might be looking forward to her calling and sharing the news with her.

OP posts:
ValiumQueen · 08/08/2012 12:12

My Mum didn't congratulate me with 2 and 3. She was delighted the first time, but very worried the other times. She did not think I would be daft enough to do it again, as I was very ill the first time. She was dealing with her own issues, but did come around.

I could understand her being upset as she heard from your Dad, not you though.

Original poster
threeleftfeet · 08/08/2012 12:16

"I wonder if you and your mum don't communicate too well, though?"

I try. She rejects me. It seems she's just not that interested in me, or my life.

She's interested in things like my job and my house sale.

She's not particularly interested in my views, thoughts, emotional well being, relationships or plans (outside of career plans).

Most of the time I don't care too much these days, but on occasions like this when I have big news, it makes me feel the rejection I felt as a child again.

She has no idea what it is she "should" be doing or why this kind of thing upsets me. God knows I've tried to explain it to her many times.

She'll have no idea she's upset me this time, as I didn't let on. Simply not worth it.

OP posts:
dondon33 · 08/08/2012 12:17

I would have been upset too Aufaniae, it is a bit odd.
Don't let it bother you, it sounds like you're well used to her behaviour by now.

ThanksCongratulations Thanks

Original poster
threeleftfeet · 08/08/2012 12:18

"I could understand her being upset as she heard from your Dad, not you though."

I promise you this isn't what's going on! She's not upset. This is about a lack of feeling, not too much!

I couldn't have told her myself as she was away, and refuses to have a mobile so no way of contacting her.

OP posts:
Original poster
threeleftfeet · 08/08/2012 12:19

ValiumQueen I'm sorry to hear you were ill with your first.

There are no such issues here however.

OP posts:
Original poster
threeleftfeet · 08/08/2012 12:19

Thanks for the congrats people :)

OP posts:
Original poster
threeleftfeet · 08/08/2012 12:23

To give you another idea of her emotional coldness.

I remember I came home aged 15 and announced I had a BF. Mum said "oh".

I said "aren't you going to ask me anything about him?"

She said "What am I supposed to ask?" Shock

I can't imagine being so uninterested in my DD's life to not even want to know her BF's name or age!

This is odd, no?

OP posts:
Original poster
threeleftfeet · 08/08/2012 12:26

Her brother's got aspergers I think (his dad and MIL thought this too - although it's undiagnosed). I sometimes wonder if she's very slightly on the spectrum, although you wouldn't notice unless you knew her very well.

I read an article a while back which said that siblings of people with aspergers sometimes shared some of the traits. This really rang a bell with me.

Although if this is true then I have no right to get cross with her do I?!

OP posts:
Original poster
threeleftfeet · 08/08/2012 12:58

It's the way that she doesn't seem to get what she "should" be doing that makes me think it might be something deeper than just lack of interest.

Is that fair, do you think?

Or am I trying to find a reason other than just that she's simply not that bothered?

OP posts:
Triffiddealer · 08/08/2012 13:40

she's not particularly interested in my views, thoughts, emotional well being, relationships or plans (outside of career plans).

I think the problem you have OP is accepting what you know is true. We all want a loving, caring mother - all of us, but life isn't fair and we can't always have what we want. Can you accept that your Mum isn't the Mum you would wish for, feel sad about it and then let it go? (I know that's a big ask with pregnancy hormones - I used to cry at adverts).

I have a really close relationship with my kids, and I feel sad for my Mum that she never experienced the happiness that mother/child relationship can bring (well mother daughter specifically). I only managed to accept that my Mum never loved me the way I needed to be loved, (if she loved me at all) after she died. But once I accepted it, it was like a weight off my mind.

Congratulations on your wonderful news. Thanks

Triffiddealer · 08/08/2012 13:42

Just remembered that my Mum didn't congratulate me on DC2 either. She was just upset for DC1!

ladyWordy · 08/08/2012 13:42

Aufaniae, I think you are spot on with your last two posts.

Asperger traits came to mind, as soon as you mentioned your Mum's focused interest in your career, as opposed to other aspects of your life. As if she IS interested in you, but in the way she understands.

I do share the personal view that one or more ASD traits can appear in families, where there has been a professional diagnosis of ASD somewhere within that family.

Dealing with ASD and ASD traits can be hurtful, as empathy can be turned down very low in the person concerned , and it can come across as coldness or deliberate rejection. It's not. They just do not know how else to be.

Now... no-one would or should seriously try to diagnose from a forum post.... but if you researched ASD a bit you might find some aspects which explain your Mum's behaviour. Among this would be some real, honest doubt from her about what she 'should' say or be feeling. It sounds as if she doesn't know, and this may be the simple truth. And she might be quite deadpan about asking you what to think!

If you have lived your life in the shadow of someone giving you cold or unexpected responses... you can feel very confused and self-blaming!

So if it helps to research whether this is a possibility ? maybe it will bring some kind of understanding?

Aussiebean · 08/08/2012 13:47

I'm sorry to say it but you are not alone.

I told my mum about a boyfriend and she changed the subject. I got engaged and she hasn't congalratated my DF or welcomed him to the family. Hasn't asked one question about the wedding.

But my mum is a narc, so there was lots of emotional abuse in there as well and it doesn't sound like she is abusive. Just uninterested

I am sorry. It really sucks. But at least you know what not to do in regards to your own children.

fluffyraggies · 08/08/2012 13:50

My mum can be odd.

In the past i've dyed my hair a drasticaly different colours, had extensions which lengthened my hair by 10", lost 3 stone over 6 months, and various other things, it all goes unmentioned by my mum, who i see weekly.

It's a bit of a running joke in our house that i could grow another head and she'd pretend not to notice.

With regards to her first reactions to pregnancy announcements from me - no1. - "Oh, never mind", no2. - "Was it planned?" no.3 - "Again??" (should add i was married with my own home for all 3).

It's a thing i've never understood - just the way she is. It used to be hurtfull, but i've learned to laugh about it now. Try not to take it to heart OP.

YusMilady · 08/08/2012 13:52

Sorry OP, I think your mum sounds quite droll. I'll swap you!

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

mercibucket · 08/08/2012 14:08

My brother is aspie and my mum is as you describe. I think she's a better functioning, female aspie and try not to take it personally. Very similar about pregnancies. She loves me and the kids just shows it in funny ways sometimes. It does hurt. I maybe use the aspie thing as an excuse, I don't know, but I know I parent in a demonstrative way and she never used to be tactile at all

mercibucket · 08/08/2012 14:08

My brother is aspie and my mum is as you describe. I think she's a better functioning, female aspie and try not to take it personally. Very similar about pregnancies. She loves me and the kids just shows it in funny ways sometimes. It does hurt. I maybe use the aspie thing as an excuse, I don't know, but I know I parent in a demonstrative way and she never used to be tactile at all

Triffiddealer · 08/08/2012 14:11

One more thing OP. It's not always helpful telling people how they should be/act. If you do want to improve your relationship with your mother, then saying how you feel about it might be more successful.

So not :
Why didn't you congratulate me, you're my mother, that's what mothers are supposed to do!
But:
I felt quite hurt that you didn't congratulate me on the baby, Mum.

If she's shocked / concerned that you felt that way, then aspergers may be an issue. However, if she dismisses your feelings or tells you to stop being so needy, she's just a cow. (Who said you couldn't diagnose on the internet Grin)

Ephiny · 08/08/2012 14:16

It does sound a bit odd, but if she's always been this way, it's unlikely she's going to change now. So unfortunately I think you do have to accept that it's just how she is, and yes, get over it.

Congratulations though :)

ValiumQueen · 08/08/2012 14:45

My brother has Asbergers, only diagnosed this year age 48. I always knew he was intense, but figured it was Bi-Polar. My Dad has traits, but at 80 years of age it is not worth seeking a diagnosis.

likeatonneofbricks · 08/08/2012 15:51

Vallium what do you mean by 'intense'? I thoughts aspergers makes people detached/cool emotionally, not intense - or did you mean anxious?
OP it crossed my mind at once that your M may be on the soectrum, unless she has a bee in her bonnet about women's repression and despises everything that women do traditionally (have kids, show emotions), whereas career is something praiseworthy in her mind.

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