Isn't it a bit odd for a mum not to bother congratulating pregnant DD?

[threeleftfeet]

Saw my Dad last Thursday, told him I'm pregnant with DC2. My mum came back from a holiday on Saturday.

She hasn't called, I wondered if Dad had forgotten to tell her (he's getting a bit absent minded these days) so I called.

But no, he did tell her. She's been a "bit busy catching up" after her holiday apparently so hadn't called.

This is an AIBU really. But posted it here as not sure I can cope with the visciousness of the real AIBU!

So ... AIBU to think this is a bit odd and unkind? Wouldn't you congratulate your DD if you found out she was pregnant?! MIL for example was delighted!

There are no underlying issues about me having babies or being with DP btw - they love both DS and DP.

My mum's just never really had much time for me. When she worked she said it was because of her workload. But now she's retired there are a million other excuses. It seems she's just not that interested in me - although she's always been interested in my academic / work achievements.

AIBU to be sad about this or should I just try to get over it?! I am nearly 40 after all!

thought

ha Triffiddealer, I think it is OK to diagnose cow-ness online no ethical prob with that at all!

fluffyraggies you said you can laugh about it now, so hope you don't mind that some of your post made me laugh. It rings a bell somehow. It must have been very baffling and disorientating at the time though.

Aspergers presents in many different ways. He has had a proper diagnosis, not an Internet DIY thing. When he told me, I did not believe it, as he is an extremely sensitive, loving wonderful person, intelligent, successful, women love him etc. I knew very little about it, and it still does not quite make sense, but he is my brother, my big hero fabby brother, and that is how I see him, and always will. He explained it that his brain is wired up differently, and he finds things difficult to understand, especially interpreting other peoples emotional responses. He said he went through life thinking everyone else was wrong, but now he knows it was him so yes, intense in his emotions, and in his responses, with a good measure of anxiety thrown in.

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses, and also for the congrats :)

"I think the problem you have OP is accepting what you know is true. We all want a loving, caring mother - all of us, but life isn't fair and we can't always have what we want. Can you.. feel sad about it and then let it go?"

Triffiddealer, you're right, I do need to find a way to let it go. I did go for counselling recently to try to do just that, but only had a few sessions so far so not seeing any results yet.

ladyWordy "I do share the personal view that one or more ASD traits can appear in families, where there has been a professional diagnosis of ASD somewhere within that family."

I read an article not so long ago about some research which suggested exactly this. I forget where though. The Guardian perhaps?

I think you're right that some research into Aspergers could be very helpful. If I thought she is on the spectrum for sure it would change our relationship. It wouldn't hurt nearly so much I think if I had an explanation for her apparent disinterest and rejection of my feelings.

Although my uncle has not been professionally diagnosed, my gran thought he had aspergers, and she was a psychiatric social worker so I imagine she had a pretty good idea what she was talking about.

mercibucket "she never used to be tactile at all"

That's another weird thing actually. She cuddled my little sister when we were young, but not me. To the point that when my best friend moved away when we were 10, my friend cuddled me and I tried to cuddle her back but made a hash of it (my arms were really stiff!) as I simply didn't know how to cuddle as no one did it to me.

This next bit might sound silly but I'm absolutely serious: I'm very grateful that we had cats when I was little as they gave me a lot of affection. Had we not had them I would have grown up pretty much devoid of touch and I imagine that wouldn't have been good psychologically.

I am a very affectionate, loving person by nature and my DS gets lots of cuddles.

Triffiddealer believe me I've tried!

"I felt quite hurt that you didn't congratulate me on the baby, Mum."

I didn't say it this time, but I've said the same kind of thing numerous times before. She just doesn't get it. if I manage to communicate to her how upset I am, she thinks I'm totally overacting, she can't see why what she says or does should be upsetting. I honestly think she reckons I'm unstable, highly strung and bonkers! As on the times I let the mask slip, and let her see how upset I am, she has absolutely no understanding of how she might have caused it, even after me trying to explain it to her.

I remember the first time I brought one of my friends home (a rare occasion as they were not exactly welcome), my friend said "why's your mum cross with us?". I said "She's not, why do you think she is?" My friend said "wow, if my mum spoke to me like that, I know I was in big trouble!". It was around this time that I started realising that my home life wasn't normal (not that anyone's is of course!).

Ephiny yes I guess I do need to get over it!

You know I think having my own children made me think about my relationship with my Mum more (and realise how much it was lacking), so I'm not surprised this is affecting you now.

It sounds like it's pointless trying to understand it or change it and that you've done all you can. I think acceptance is the only way - and knowing that you will never be like that with your own children (who are lucky to have such a caring Mum)

Thanks for your kind words :)

And same here, being a mum has brought a new perspective to it.

I do need to accept it, but it's not easy!

I'm very grateful that we had cats when I was little as they gave me a lot of affection. Had we not had them I would have grown up pretty much devoid of touch

That's not silly, but sad and poignant aufaniae. So you didn't even get cuddles from your Dad/father figure, grandparents, aunties to make up for it.

That's not just a distant parent you're struggling with but rather more, from the sound of it. :( Thank goodness for cats.

I'm sure you are a wonderful Mum to your children, despite this difficult start to life.

My mum did that to me too, shes a narcissist and very attention seeking and emotionally cold with a fake exterior for the neighbours and people she knows who think shes all friendly. She coos over everyone elses kids and acts oh so excited for pregnant women even if she only vaguely knows them.

My mum said "and is this good news?" when I told her I was pregnant with 2nd dc.

My MIL's reaction to being handed our pregnancy scan was "oh you're not are you".

I was 36 and STBXH was 44.....

Her next comment was "what are you going to do about it?"

I wish I had walked out but for the sake of H I didn't.

Then she said "your bits obviously work then"

(he didn't think he could have kids so the news was extra special to him.

She later excused it by saying that she already had six grandchildren so wasn't that excited by the news.....

I never really forgave her .... She later referred to my daughter as a horror..

My MIL was told by a very excited DH by handing over the first 12w scan pic. She said "preggy?" and that was it, carried on with the conversation as if it hadn't been said.

I was heartbroken for DH who'd been very excited to tell his folks. We had to travel 3 hours to go see them. I'd said beforehand we should maybe them ILs over the phone first but DH insisted on doing it in person.

MIL had spent a huge part of our wedding day going on about not wanting to be a granny. A huge part. I told her to speak to DH as he was broody and wanted to start trying very soon. She got what she wished for as she died not long after DD1 was born.

• tell not them