split due to abuse but everyone thinks he's a saint!

[freemanbatch]

My friend posted about me a while ago on AIBU but this is my first post so sorry if I get something wrong.

Months ago my husband made three attempts to rape me in one week, he'd never done anything like that before but he has been very controlling and only since the thing happened have I really realise how much. I asked him to leave a few months ago and he agreed to speak to his parents and move to theirs but then he came home the next day and told me he'd changed his mind and was staying.

My family and his think he does everything but it's only when people are around and I let him because I never do things right and he'd only redo them anyway but they've all been telling me for years how lucky I am to have him to look after me.

I am educated to a post grad level but I have never been able to work properly because he's screwed things up or let me down for picking the kids up or looking after them for interviews.

So here I am, unemployed with two kids to look after on whatever the state will give me until I manage to find a job (believe me I am determined to find a job as soon as the kids are settled with things) and he's staying with his parents for free with masses of ready cash and everyone thinking I've gone mad to kick him out and I won't possibly cope without him to look after me.

It's going to be a long and lonely road ahead I feel

I believe you
The best abusers trick everyone into thinking they are lovely. Does your family know what he has done re: attempted rape?
You are doing the right thing! A life of fear is no life at all.

Where in the world are you?

What an awful situation. Does he give you child support? How often do the children see him?

I think the only thing you can do is to be brutally honest with people. So if they say, "Oh but he's marvellous," you have to come back with "Well, not really. He used to rape me. Can you understand why I had to leave?"

I'm in the UK puds11

he only went a couple of days ago so I have no idea if he'll pay me anything but I hope we'll sort something out some how. We live miles away from all of my family so I have very few options that don't involve completely uprooting the kids and that's if my family would have me. I find the idea of telling people what's gone on really hard because it's my word against his really and all the evidence they have is of a good family man.

If your in derbyshire i am if you need a friend

That's exactly how it is but you know him better than they do so don't worry about what people thinks of him and do what is best for you and the kids.Stay strong.

Congratulations on your freedom!

At the end of the day it doesn't matter what people think or say. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone.

If everything was fine and dandy in the freemanbatch household you would not now be separating.

If anyone says anything all you have to do is say that is your opinion on my marriage you weren't living it I was. End of conversation. No explanation. No reasoning. No excuses. It is none of their business.

You will manage fine. Cupboards do not have to be set with the labels all pointing 30 degrees north. Skirting boards do not have to be dusted every 4 hours do you hear me mum.

The world will not fall apart and your children will not suffer because you don't do things to anal level.

I believe you, as well

I understand you not wanting to talk about the rape, but he's the one who should be ashamed, not you.

Once you are out from under his shadow, people will see you succeeding at things without him to "look after you". Believe me, you are a whole lot better at everything than he has led you (and others) to believe.

You are fantastic, and you can do this!

I once told my domestic abuse support worker: "you wouldn't believe how charming he is, everybody should be blaming everything on me"

Her reply:
"Of course he is absolutely charming, most abusers are, how on Earth do you think they get away with it???"

If it helps, it took years to get to this point but, it has really helped for me to stop caring about what other people think, if they believe him... they are not my friends, and I don't need to justify myself to people who don't deserve my attention anyway...

Incidentally, despite my ex's huge salary, the state has been more benevolent on us than he ever was. While I was with him I needed to save for 2-3 weeks to be able to buy a lipstick, and DS was growing up on charity shop finds. Nowadays, I am still using the charity shops but it is out of choice. And I don't go out of balance if I spend the princely sum of £8 in a lipstick.

See this as an opportunity. As soon as you find a job, you may find yourself in a better position than before. I have been asked repeatedly if I regret divorcing my ex considering how well he is doing financially and how screwed up I am at some points... my response: "Now I have worries, before I felt dead". So I am better off and I'm sure you will as well :-)

Yes this is all classic of abusive people - I remember my mother had me behind the kitchen door with one arm bent right up my back while asking the guests 'One lump or two???' with a big smile.

What is hidden in winter shall become manifest in the summer, you mark my words. xx

So forget him, what about you????

Cartagena, my husband is not abusive but I have lived in his shadow for so long. What you say about feeling dead just struck a chord with me because that is just how I feel and somehow, hearing it from someone else makes me feel less alone.

Freemanbatch, I just want to wish you the best for your new life, I admire you for leaving and wish you strength and happiness ahead.

Glad you've found the courage to rid yourself of this man. The more time and distance you can get between you, the stronger you'll become. Don't assume others bought his nice guy act btw. When you're married to someone, people can be very reluctant to say what they really think about them for fear of causing offence. Now you're separated, your friends won't have to pull their punches.

Re money... get as much fire-power on your side as you can with a good legal representative and, even if you can't get him convicted for the attempted rapes, you can make him squirm financially. If he has no outgoings and piles of cash, they'll expect him to cough up.

Good luck.

Hopefully, we've all got a long road ahead but as to whether it'll be lonely is a matter of personal choice. FWIW I don't have a live-in partner, I value the time I spend alone, and I never feel lonely.

Should anyone ask why you've split up, I suggest you use IB's words to tell them in a matter of fact manner. If they don't believe you that's their problem and you don't need to elaborate any further.

My fear for you is that controlling and abusive men rarely have the ability to let well alone and he may choose to return to the marital home without prior warning in the near future, particularly if he sees that you are coping perfectly well without him.

Please make an appointment asap with a rottweiler solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and who offers a free half hour initial consultation. If you should need a recommendation or have any immediate questions, post on the Legal matters board.

If he should return you may need to seek an occupation order which will enable the police to remove him from your home and require him to stay away.

As for working, it's simply a question of getting yourself organised which it seems you should have done some time ago. You knew he couldn't be relied on and you could have taken steps to arrange the alternative childcare that you will need if you are to return to the workplace.

However, I would suggest you put thoughts of working on the back burner until you've got the formalities of ending your less than satisfactory marriage underway and the dc are settled into your new and happier way of life.

You'll find this board a great source of support and some here will become your friends in rl as well as in the virtual reality of the net.

Post on this thread whenever you feel the need and you'll be able to look back on it as you go along to see just how far you've come since you were able to get out from under his control.

In the meantime, have fun with your dc. Being able to please yourself without fear of censure from a controlling partner is liberating and, once you've experienced it to the full, you won't want to be a slave to any man again.

Thank you all of you :-) puds11 I'm not but my god you made me smile :-)

We have had no tears at all from the kids and but for the eldest wanting to crawl into bed with me in the morning to start the day with a hug nothing has changed with them except they are smiling more.

I have spent so long worrying it would be bad for them not to have us both together that seeing them happy and smiling and so much more relaxed makes me wish I'd done this a long time ago.

I've spent the time since he left doing all the jobs I wasn't allowed to do because I did them wrong as well as the ones I don't like doing and he told me I needed him for and playing with the kids, it feels very weird but I don't seem to be relying on caffeine to keep me awake followed by alcohol to make me sleep so that has to be a good thing.

I have no idea what I will have to pay the bills with but I like the fact that it will be mine to spend as I need and want and I will find a job but it will have to be a month or so before i look into that because I think the kids have had enough change for one month!

thanks again :-)

OP, when you wrote this about him doing things - I let him because I never do things right and he'd only redo them anyway - that is not true. It's all part of his control, lying and abuse. He's got you believing that you're useless and need him and blahblahblah what a crock of shit. Redoing things is not about getting them done better, it's a form of debasing you and inferring that you're inferior and useless.

So what if others have fallen for his act of being Mr Wonderful? If they're that gullible and like him that much then they're hardly great people to be around in the first place. Don't stay with a controlling sexual abuser because you fear others thinking you're making a mistake or are in the wrong. You've done brilliantly, but you need to stay strong and move forward now.

I'm so glad you are feeling better freeman, and if you ever want to chat feel free to pm me.

Your children will be much happier and healthier with an abuser living with them. You have made the right choice. You may have a tough road ahead, but it will be a free road, punctuated with laughter and happiness

My love to you and your family.

You're all going to be smiling more and you will feel as if a great weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

As time goes by and your dc become confident that he won't be returning, they'll come into their own - happy, content, and able to become all that they can be.

Feel the 'lightness' of living free of his controlling and abusive ways and resolve never to let him rule you again.

From this day use alcohol in celebration of good things. Here's to your infinitely more fulfilling new lifestyle

Thank you :-)

I already feel a lot calmer just for not having him in the house, as far as I know I have all the keys but I'm leaving keys in locks just for added reassurance.

thanks for the offer puds11 I may take you up on it at some point :-) I'm sure I'll come back bugging you all with my successes and disasters over the next little while!!

Glad you're securing the house properly. Bullies rarely give up control at the first hurdle. They give it a few days, gamble that you're feeling lonely or your resolve is weakening a little, and then the texts begin or they stroll back expecting you to be so grateful that you greet them with open arms. Keeping your home safe helps your resolve.....

I remember your friends post, I thought about it often and wondered how you were. I'm so very glad you've taken the first steps to a better life for you and your kids. Believe it or not the hardest part is over! Yes it will be difficult but you will get through this.

Thanks Stuntgirl I know it's taken longer than it should have to get him out of the house but now I have I'm determined he's not coming back. I have said he can come here to see the kids one night in the week so he will be here but I have my friend down the road on standby to come and remove him if he doesn't leave when he is supposed to.

I don't want them going with him anywhere just yet because I simply don't trust him with them and time just him and the kids never ends well so I think, with someone to help if I need it, him coming here is going to be best for now.

I might actually get my friend round for a brew the whole time he's here, that would probably be better wouldn't it?

It most certainly would be better if you have a pal on standby in your kitchen.

You got him out OP that's the main thing. I'm a bit concerned about your arrangement for him to visit the kids at yours though. Is there no other way you can do the controlled access bit? Pigs like him have a way of weedling their snouts back in.

I would certainly not let him back in the house - he might refuse to leave, then what? You cannot share the same space with a man like that. Does he have keys to the house - if he does, change the locks. Your physical safety, and that of your children, is paramount. You are entitled to change the locks.

I have been/still am in a similar position and I have changed the locks.

The Citizens' Advice Bureau people might have some good advice about your financial situation and would signpost you to any benefits you might be entitled to eg if he is not there, you might be entitled to Council Tax benefit.

Seek a free initial appointment with a solicitor to establish your legal rights in this situation.

Report the rapes to the police.

I'm hoping in the long term to find some other way of supervising his time with the kids but this was all I could come up with right now. I know there will probably come a time when I have to let him take them but right now I just can't even think about that.

I'm not sure I can face reporting him to the police Samwidges I know that makes me a crap person but the idea of it is horrible and the kids are more likely to find out about it if I do and he's still their dad.