split due to abuse but everyone thinks he's a saint!

[freemanbatch]

My friend posted about me a while ago on AIBU but this is my first post so sorry if I get something wrong.

Months ago my husband made three attempts to rape me in one week, he'd never done anything like that before but he has been very controlling and only since the thing happened have I really realise how much. I asked him to leave a few months ago and he agreed to speak to his parents and move to theirs but then he came home the next day and told me he'd changed his mind and was staying.

My family and his think he does everything but it's only when people are around and I let him because I never do things right and he'd only redo them anyway but they've all been telling me for years how lucky I am to have him to look after me.

I am educated to a post grad level but I have never been able to work properly because he's screwed things up or let me down for picking the kids up or looking after them for interviews.

So here I am, unemployed with two kids to look after on whatever the state will give me until I manage to find a job (believe me I am determined to find a job as soon as the kids are settled with things) and he's staying with his parents for free with masses of ready cash and everyone thinking I've gone mad to kick him out and I won't possibly cope without him to look after me.

It's going to be a long and lonely road ahead I feel

I believe you. And hurrah! You cut the cord. You will be fine it just doesn't feel like it yet. Now he is not safely concealed in a relationship he will show the world his nasty side - didn't take my exp long to shock people and he is a super control freak!

You will find a job and you will get back on your feet x

Good grief, you are NOT a 'crap person'.

I understand your concern for your children finding out about their Dad. This kept me frozen for such a long time and I wish I'd taken steps earlier, it would have been better for the kids, me (and him, not that that makes any difference to me).

BUT, he won't change....if my experience is anything to go by.

My 2 biggest regrets:

1. Marrying him

1. Staying with him far far too long. I have lost 17 years of my life (the time when I had the first big alarm bell to leave him until the time I had to call the police (long overdue)).

By far, my regrets over 2 eclipse 1.

I am still struggling. He refuses to co-operate with the divorce process, does not pay anything in maint (yet, I am working on this). My kids are 18 and 15. I should've left him when they were 6 and 3...and they have had to put up with so much crap between us 2 (arguing, violence (from him), atmosphere).

My kids are with me and support me and give me so much love. Honestly, life for the 3 of us is so much better. I can now breathe properly for the first time in years.

Don't apologise or beat yourself up freeman. There's no time limit on these things, it's easy for us outsiders to see things matter of factly but it's much harder on the inside. The important thing is you got out and you have made those first difficult, terrifying steps. You have achieved so much already!

I know fuck all about divorce/seperation etc so forgive me if I'm talking rubbish but aren't there contact centres or something where supervised contact can happen at a neutral third party location? Could that be an option for you to allow him to see the children in a safe and structured environment? Or could he see them at your parents house or somewhere similar?

Go to the CAB. Then arrange a (free, initial) meeting with a solicitor.

Any/all legal process will have the childrens' interests uppermost - it will be all about them. You are your kids' best ally.

I'd knock the visit on the head for a few reasons. First, because I don't think you're quite ready for that yet mentally and you shouldn't rush into anything that you may regret. Second, because I think it will do you good to assert yourself, knock him back a little, change arrangements at short-notice and be in control of him for once. It will reinforce your position. Do get legal advice as soon as you can.

Please don't have him in the house.

Take your friend, take the kids to a nearby park/soft play/cinema and he can see them there. You and friend hang around having a coffee from a distance, while he has time with them.

He's dangerous to you, and it's better to be in public.

I believe you too Free, well done for taking back your freedom

Don't pay any attention to what other's think, You know the truth.

Anyway, people are quick to make first judgements but when they really think things through and start questioning ( as in your case..if the relationship was so good, to others on the outside, and he done everything for you then it makes no sense why you split, does it?) they will eventually get to some form of the truth. Unless you want to tell them the truth of course, then they have it straight from the horses mouth.

My split was like this, ex played the poor me card, had been nothing short of a saint in front of others, gave no cause to ever think he was capable of D V, E A and pretty much everything else in between. When I eventually ended it he made my life hell and turned best-part of MY OWN family against me. I had chosen not to say anything to them about his treatment of me, thinking I was saving them the worry and heartache but all I done was play right into his hands :( they know now, they remembered bruises, black eyes, broken ribs and trips to the hospital and some of the excuses I'd used too but it just didn't click as apparently I'd appeared so normal and convincing. note to self, look into becoming an actress

Stay strong and please keep yourself safe, don't be alone at home with him.
Even if the road is long and sometimes lonely, it's WITHOUT him and just for that reason, the road can be one million bloody miles long xxx

Thanks everyone

I have had a lovely visit from my friend today and we've had fun but we've talked about things quite a lot as well. I haven't yet told my parents anything, they are away on holiday as I'm waiting till they get back on Saturday. I'm going to tell my dad all that I can face telling him and then my friend is going to ring him and talk things through with him for me if I can't manage to say enough or if he wants to talk about things I can't face.

She told me I was guilty of trying to sort everything out so I can present it to them as not being a problem so they don't have to worry about me and I think she may be right. I have been panicking about sorting things and it's only been a few days really.

I have managed to set up two new current accounts, one for anything he gives me and one for everything else. I figure if he ever asks how 'his' money is being spent I can show him without him really seeing much. I think I've also decided that I'm going to ask his parents if the kids can go there one night in the week for tea to see him rather than him coming here. On Saturday afternoons he can come to the door and pick them up and drop them off without coming in I hope or that might move to me dropping them at his parents as well.

In some ways this has felt like a very long week but in others it has flown by!!

I'm glad you are doing so well Freeman you know where I am but the people here will be far more useful for information than I am I'm sure.

xx

I believe you

I know someone who has a boyfriend I HATE, she's "so lucky" that he has learnt to cook "for her" etc....
reality: she used to cook for family and friends all the time, it was her thing, her way of gathering people around her, it made her happy. After a lifetime of not cooking he learnt a few basics and basically kicked her out of the kitchen... and took away her excuse to have friends and family around her... and her hobby... isn't she 'SOOO LUCKY"
he's a controlling bastard she is not lucky!

Yours sounds worse!
xx

WOmen's Aid will be able to advise you as well. With a man like this, don;t give an inch and get solicitors involved as soon as possible. He has proved himself to be completely untrustworthy, and shown that he is your enemy so it's a waste of time trying to negotiate with him on a 'friendly' basis; do everything legally. Best of luck, you are well rid.

Freeman, if a stranger tried to rape you three times in a week you would contact the police wouldn't you? Especially if you knew he might be able to get into your house and even insist on living there with you. You are entitled to the protection of the police and the law - don't underestimate how much that could help your peace of mind. I would urge you to contact them for advice if nothing else.

It sounds like you have a vastly improved future ahead of you. Well done and good luck

I've told my parents!

Well to say that, I told them he'd left and then my friend rang my dad and told him everything and that I wasn't really in the mood to talk about it myself so he hasn't tried to ring me just a text saying you know where we are. They are talking about maybe coming up to see us tomorrow but who knows.

it's been a very long week but I've come so far in my head in the last week that hopefully all will be well in the end even if i have a few ups and downs along the way.

You have all been so lovely to me it has really help me make it this far feeling positive so thank you very very much

xx

Well done Free, take all the support you can get, it will help you.
Take care of yourself xxx