divorce is on the horizon. as is my first affair.

[Muttsmom]

I have been contently married for 20 years. Happy? Sometimes. However my husband is in his mid 50's and I am in my late 40's. We don't at all want the same things for our future and quite frankly, I've had enough of settling. I have given him numerous chances to change his ways (mild drug use, drinking, extremely unethical behavior, disrespectful to me in front of kids, and much more), but he has not. We have two great kids 17 and 19. The 17 yo has one more year of school at home. I am thinking of leaving my husband after the holidays this year. Ideally I would love for it to be a year from now, however I have met someone whom I know I want to be with and I know he wants to be with me. I am not naive. We have known each other for 25 years. Whether it works out or not remains to be seen, but I am not putting all my eggs in that basket. I don't feel it would be right to carry on an affair for the next year to get my daughter off to school. My husband will be blind-sided and very angry. But only because he would rather keep his head in the sand (and his money in his bank account). But I know he will meet someone else eventually. I am really trying to keep the divorce and the affair as two separate ideas in my head. I had been seeing a counselor and contemplating divorce before I even ran into my old friend. The question is...should I start and continue the affair for a year or start and leave right after the holidays? I know my children will be upset, but don't think I can keep up the charade too much longer or that it is healthy for them to do so. They can definitely feel the tension. Thank you, thank you, thank you for any advice!

Well you know the answer to whether you should have an affair dont you?

Your children will be even more upset to find out that you were having an affair for a year (to "protect" them from divorce this year ), and it could affect your relationship with them long term. You only have to read threads on here from MNers who's parents had affairs to see that.

If this man really wants to be with you then he will wait, and hopefully respect you more for refusing to have a relationship with him before your marriage is sorted out.

As for the divorce, only you can decide whether now or in a years time is better. If you really feel that you cant get through another year then do it now but make sure you protect yourself and your assets, as you imply that your STBX will not want to give up anything. Make sure you get copies of bank statements, house deeds, mortgage payments etc so that he can suddenly decide to hide money.

Do you have a job? Would you want to sell the house and split the proceeds, stay there or find your own place? do you have money in the bank to buy again or rent and refurnish if needs be?

You need to think of the worst case scenario of how your STBX could be and prepared for that. So starting from scratch if neccessary.

Sorry, "so that he CAN'T suddenly decide to hide money"

Also, will he contribute to your DCs at college or will he refuse?

these are all things you need to think about and prepare for.

Never lie to your teenagers or grown up kids about this stuff - it will come back to bite you. I have seen it in my own family and have a friend who has not seen or spoken to her father in over 40yrs because of it.

Tell your husband you want a divorce and that the catalyst (but not the reason ) has been meeting someone else and then tell your children the same thing.

Finish it off with your husband first.

What you described would be enough reason for a divorce.

If you so much as sniff in another man's direction whilst still married, I think you can expect all manner of problems with your children. Put yourself in their place...just don't do it!

Stop your marriage first, then take stock. If your OM is decent, he'll wait for you. If not, then he's not much of a catch, really. He'd be truly the OM. Not a cool epithet, I hope you'll agree. And you'd have had an affair. Is that the role you truly see for yourself?

Read some affair threads on here to remind yourself how that all works out. It would muddy the waters incredibly.

You haven't said... IS THE OM MARRIED?

Financially it is a little tough. I have never had money in my own name, although I have asked numerous times. I could live off a credit card for quite a while until things are settled. We already have the money saved for colleges, so that shouldn't be an issue. It is in the kids' names. To be honest, I have so much dirt on my husband that would destroy him, but I would never disclose it unless he puts my back up against the wall. And he is smarter than that. And I would never tell my kids or speak ill of him. I am going to consult an attorney this week. I would like half of all the assets, minus the house. I don't want it to affect where the kids live. I totally agree with not lying to the children and that is a good point. If I do start the affair, I would only see him once or twice until I leave my husband, as he lives in a different state. Rationalizing, I know. I do agree that right after the holidays would be the best time to leave. I need to make copies of everything important, get my passport, etc. However, I don't have access to the safe deposit box and don't know what is in there. This should be a lesson for all other women who have been somewhat controlled throughout their marriage.

No, he's not married.

Well I would say that if you do separate, do it sooner rather than later. It sounds like your marriage is amicable and there are not major arguments going on. If so then it may come as a huge shock to your daughter who presumably is going to A2s or similar?

My wife left 2 years ago and we had been arguing. Our DCs thought it was a good thing, but my daughter, who has been living with me and is now doing A2s, has definitely been affected and her results will suffer because of it.

You are obviously in a difficult position so I sympathise but it sounds like your H will have a bad reaction whatever. Maybe you should hang on a year (sans affair!) till your daughter has finished.

It depends how bad things are in your home. I think your feelings about leaving are being accelarated as a result of being in touch with the OM. So you are on the verge of having an affair, which as others say, will damage everything.

I think, whatever order you decide to run things, you need to take the kids into your confidence as top priority. I think children feel more betrayed & resentful if they are kept in the dark, having to fill in the gaps. If you respect your children enough to speak to them honestly and openly, I think they may be more supportive than you expect. It isn't 'speaking ill of' if you are telling the truth.

Truthcanhurt, I totally agree about the kids. It is an awful position and I know I will have to get them couselling. I feel so guilty. But should they really think that it is okay to be treated like this? No. It is unhealthy. I can't last a year. I just can't. As it is every time he touches me or tries to be somewhat nice, I want to scream. Until I get all my ducks in a row, I have to behave normally. I have been packing up 1/2 of everything (1/2 of tupperware, 1/2 of tools) quietly under the guise of cleaning out stuff we don't need. He would never notice anyway. I am taking it to a storage unit during the day. To top it off, I really can't talk to my girlfriends about anything. I don't want it to come back on them and I don't want anyone to spill the beans.

Cogitoergolympics, that would be hard. Their father has really done a number on them and they are very loyal to him. They see me as a b a lot of the time. I think the thing that really held me back from proceeding with a divorce was trying to win them over. When I realized I was never going to win, I was at peace with that and decided to really develop the relationships individually with them and make the best of it. An example would be wanting to paint the walls after 7 years in the house with 2 dogs and 2 kids. They were chipped and dirty and awful. My husband decided they were fine so I decided to paint them myself and not hire anyone. My daughter declared that I was wasting money and being ridiculous (her father's words I'm sure). I'm sorry. A house needs a certain level of maintenance and just because he can't see it, I'm not a b. I know that in time they will realize he is not perfect, but I may bee 100 by then! He constantly undercuts me and there is nothing I can do but be the adult.

What bothers me about this is the secrecy. Whenever you tell him it's over, he'll be annoyed so there's nothing you can do about that. But if it comes as just as big a shock to your kids and then they find out that you've been making preparations for months ahead without their knowledge, I don't think they'll take it very well at all. When my aunt skipped out on her DS's... youngest 16 at the time... they took it really hard because, even though their father had been abusive, she disappeared without telling them where she was going. They literally searched the area thinking she'd been killed in an accident.

You need to find someone you can trust and I think that has to include your kids.

I think if it were me, I'd want to leave, divorce then begin a new relationship. I'd do this because of my own ethical standards but also mainly because if I wanted the relationship with this man to work well for my children (ie he to meet them and create a relationship with them) I think that would work best if they were not resentful of him as a factor in their parents divorcing.

If things are too bad to continue at home it would be better for your daughter's results if you left asap.

But, Cogitoergolympics, that is a great idea and I will talk to them individually. I can't lose at this point.

Unfortunately, I can't leave. Where we live it would be abandonment. I will double check with the attorney this week though.

Who would be being abandoned and what are the implications?

Hi muttsmom. Understand you need a different life. However, have you been following the thread 'Chutney' (previously Please Please Help)..some, but certainly not all, similarities in that op found ex had suddenly and calculatingly removed so much of their lives (possessions etc)..not the best way. I agree, your children will be more hurt that you planned and did this without them knowing. My Dad had affairs and the bit that hurt me was feeling rejected and not part of his life. We are ok now as he has been a fantastic Grandpa to my children. Do what you can to maintain your integrity..affairs may feel exciting and fresh, but cause hurt..so if you need to leave, leave now I say x

Don't know. I know my sister couldn't leave the house or she would be abandoning her 10 year old. She had to stay for quite a while. But I'm not sure at all about a 17 yo. Will ask the attorney.

I am truly only taking what is mine and not ours. Although if we have two hammers, I am taking one. I am not taking big things or things that would ever be noticed. I ordered a program to convert vhs to dvd and am making copies of all of them for the kids, myself, and my husband. We have 1000's of photos. I am going through them, scanning them and will leave them here. It is a huge job, and quite frankly will take time. The kids know this is not a perfect marriage. When they ask me later, I will tell them that I wanted to leave the house exactly how it is/was and that unfortunately, that took some planning. I think they are wise enough to know that my husband would/will make it very difficult for me. I will still have to go through stuff after I make the announcement, like furniture, etc. But I don't want to drag it out going through the minute stuff that no one will ever notice and takes a long time.

Could someone please tell me how to find 'Chutney' please, please help as recommended by dippydodah? Thanks.

If you've waited 20 years what's one more? You will be putting your 17 year old through hell and please don't minimize this - it will be a massive massive issue for her to deal with, In the MOST important year of her schooling. The final year is what all her work has been leading up to. I hope you can live with yourself for putting her through this because YOU want what YOU want with the other man.

If the domestic situation was damaging the kids (abuse, constant rows, poisonous atmosphere) then it would be better for them if you divorced buy it does not sound like that is the case.

In this situation I think it is the height of selfishness to break up the family at such a time.

My cousin had an affair which was discovered during his eldest sons exam year. The boy failed his exams having been predicted great results because he was so distraught and because he was trying to provide emotional support to his devastated mother. He never went to college and now has a menial job he is very unhappy with and has never ever forgiven his father.

If the man truly cares for you he will understand your responsibility as a mother to put the interests of your kids before your own and will wait until June next year when your daughters schooling is done.

I don't think it matters when the OP leaves her husband, provided she's up front with the children and squash this 'b*' business once and for all. I seriously doubt anyone can be accuse of 'abandonment' with a 17 or 19 year-old.... even less so if they are up to speed with the full story.

You don't think it will affect the daughter one iota then cogito?

How about reading this book first and how to help your children cope with it all. Then decide what's best? I.e. another year, or walk away now. I've found that book invaluable.

Actually re reading your follow on comments, it sounds like you're ready to go. But do read that book, no matter the age of your children, it truly is an excellent book.