divorce is on the horizon. as is my first affair.

[Muttsmom]

I have been contently married for 20 years. Happy? Sometimes. However my husband is in his mid 50's and I am in my late 40's. We don't at all want the same things for our future and quite frankly, I've had enough of settling. I have given him numerous chances to change his ways (mild drug use, drinking, extremely unethical behavior, disrespectful to me in front of kids, and much more), but he has not. We have two great kids 17 and 19. The 17 yo has one more year of school at home. I am thinking of leaving my husband after the holidays this year. Ideally I would love for it to be a year from now, however I have met someone whom I know I want to be with and I know he wants to be with me. I am not naive. We have known each other for 25 years. Whether it works out or not remains to be seen, but I am not putting all my eggs in that basket. I don't feel it would be right to carry on an affair for the next year to get my daughter off to school. My husband will be blind-sided and very angry. But only because he would rather keep his head in the sand (and his money in his bank account). But I know he will meet someone else eventually. I am really trying to keep the divorce and the affair as two separate ideas in my head. I had been seeing a counselor and contemplating divorce before I even ran into my old friend. The question is...should I start and continue the affair for a year or start and leave right after the holidays? I know my children will be upset, but don't think I can keep up the charade too much longer or that it is healthy for them to do so. They can definitely feel the tension. Thank you, thank you, thank you for any advice!

I am so torn about the kids. But having sex for another year???? Can't do it. And once that stops, it will become very nasty. He will know it is over. So what's worse. Now or later? Ugh. I will download the book on my nook, thanks!
Height of selfishness? Seriously? My husband's behavior has been the height of selfishness and hopefully the kids will realize that!!

I think if you know the marriage is very unhealthy and it's not salvageable, it's right to walk away, rather than allow your children to think that this is a normal marriage and ok. I dislike the cliché that children are resilient, especially as I am divorced and I watch them struggle with it. That book helps me a lot.

My only suggestion is you try not to begin the affair until there's been a good gap if possible. As it will inflame the situation for your H and kids. It's tricky though. Your marriage sounds very unhappy

For what it is worth, I don't think that your situation is the really the same as the one on the Chutney thread. You may need to quietly protect some of your personal items by removing them in advance of separation from your husband, but I don't think that means that you do a complete vanishing act in the same way as Lou's poor excuse of a husband did so callously to her. But if that is what you are contemplating - please don't - for all the reasons everyone mentions.

You clearly do have to think through carefully what the impact of your break up with your husband has on your kids. If my guess is right you are in the USA and so the pressures of the final year of school may not culminate in the kinds of exam pressure that we have in the UK. Pressures may come in different ways and at different times - and your daughter certainly deserves as much stability to give her the best chance she has of getting accepted by the colleges she wants.

Whatever else you do or don't do, I would try and make sure your childrens' interests are best protected - whether through communication with them or waiting a year or whatever it is.

From the little I know of US divorce law, it is all very variable depending on the state, but I have the impression that the longer the marriage (and certainly 20 years plus) is likely to give a much more equitable alimony settlement to the wife (assuming the husband is in a financially stronger position).

"But having sex for another year???? Can't do it. And once that stops, it will become very nasty."

Things will get "nasty" if you won't have sex?

Jesus.

You know what we call being coerced into sex, right? :(

And no, you can't do another year of that.

For any reason.

I just know that if the sex stopped, it would not be the norm for us. Maybe that's wrong on some level, I don't know. But if your spouse suddenly starts turning you down time after time, I think anyone would be suspicious and I don't know how he would react. I do go to the lawyer Thursday. Yay!

"You don't think it will affect the daughter one iota then cogito?"

I think it takes very little to 'affect' a 17 year-old who, probably as a result of growing up on a bad atmosphere, already thinks her mother is a bitch. She's already upset and looking for attack points so, whether mum stays or goes, whether she waits until before or after the exams, she'll find something to reproach her for. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. The only way to disarm that kind of situation and retain the moral high ground is to be entirely candid.

Buy a big external hard drive to copy all your digital photos on to, take the rest and sort it later. But you know that this obsession with tupperware, hammers, furniture etc is just a distraction?

It sounds like your divorce will be tricky at best, I'm not sure why you're contemplating sabotaging yourself with an affair right now either. You've known each other 25 years - great - wait a few months eh?

See your lawyer about how to get your paperwork in order, and then try and seperate with the minimum of drama.

The reason everyone is advising you of this is that it's TRUE.

Statements like 'The question is...should I start and continue the affair for a year or start and leave right after the holidays?' come across to me as so cold and calculating. I take it you know for certain the other party wants an affair with you then?

You leave now. Your kids are not babies and you sound like you can't stand your husband. The fact that you were contemplating Divorce before this old friend turned up suggest to me you have been putting this off for years, probably due to money.

You put this proposed affair on hold until you are secure. If he cares enough about you i'm sure he can wait a bit longer and so can you.

I am not planning on vanishing. My kids are my #1 priority. I honestly don't hate my husband...just don't want to keep living like this. Not healthy for any of us. "Get busy living or get busy dying".
Cold and calculating? I guess some would see it that way. I call it planning. Cold and calculating would be a moving van while his away or draining the bank account. I would like this to be as amicable as possible.

And your right, if the OM is worth it, he will wait. This might all unravel faster than I would like it to, but after visiting the lawyer, I hope to be more prepared. Wish me luck and thanks for all of the advice. I will let you know how it goes!

The thread I mentioned earlier is different to yours do not very helpful, think I was just meaning to not suddenly do a mass disappearance