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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

HELP BEFORE THE MORNING

75 replies

rightchoice2 · 06/08/2012 22:47

I know this is is the wrong section but think it is likely to get more answers here than on any other as it gets more traffic. I know you are mums mostly, and I am not but need some good sound advice by the morning. I was birthing partner to a friend she had the baby early hours of Sunday so still only one day old. I have never had children and am much older and am a very willing helper. I have taken a week off work to help and tonight is her first night home. I fed my friend, and held the baby and changed him. She is BF the little one and because of a 18 hour labour is tired and very very very tender, all sorts of things happened which were mind blowing.

Anyway I am going back tomorrow morning to help, what is the most important thing I can do to be the most help without interfering. Sadly her mum passed away a long time ago and by the way she is doing this whole thing alone.

OP posts:

Original poster

rightchoice2 · 06/08/2012 23:25

Thanks ladies. I am not sleeping there, but prepared to be there and be at her beck and call until I go back to work. I will take all your sound wisdom and do my best tomorrow to put it into action. Good night all and thank you so much.

OP posts:

HeleninaGoldChariot · 06/08/2012 23:27

The best thing you can do is continue to support your friend as you are doing. She feeds the baby, you can feed and water her. Make sure she has breakfast, plenty of snacks, healthy(ish) meals and a supply of food in the fridge that she likes. Maybe keep surfaces clean, hoover, change sheets, take the baby whilst she showers/has a wee or poo etc. She will need rest, rest and more rest in these early days. It's the smallest things that can make a big difference.

With winding, as long as you put the baby on your shoulder and just rub his little back his burps will come. This can take a while but you will get to know when he is done. Any other baby info, just ask the midwife.

You are marvellously good friend, lovely.

ImperialBlether · 06/08/2012 23:28

I agree about not taking hold of the baby. Only do it when she's going to have a bath.

I used to get really tearful when anyone (except my husband) had the baby for any length of time.

CuttedUpPear · 06/08/2012 23:34

Every time she puts the baby to her breast, hand her a doorstep sandwich and a cup of tea.
This is what my mum did for me and it was amazing.

Like the others say, take baby so she can have a poo/wash her hair/nap.
If she is napping while bay is asleep then try to get some quiet housework dome for her.
Clean sheets are a wondrous thing.

And you are a lovely friend.

Musomathsci · 06/08/2012 23:35

She may be grateful for a break from the baby, but I also remember panicking about not coping when I was on my own later and hence not wanting anyone else to settle the baby. It's a roller coaster of hormones and emotions, and I know I was inconsistent and irrational!!
Empty the bins. Make sure everything is within reach wherever she is doing nappies (including spare baby gro -amazing how they manage to pee all over everything). Essential for Mum's sanity to bath/ shower regularly, but as long as fed and changed regularly, no need for baby to have a bath every day.
Encourage your friend to sleep when the baby does, feed baby on waking, then you do burping, changing, cooing while she has 10 minutes to sort herself out. Discourage frantic activity as soon as baby falls asleep!

Woofsaidtheladybird · 06/08/2012 23:41

Get her some lactulose and glycerin suppositories. My first labour poo with DD was a few days later and it hurt like hell as I was so constipated from all the codeine. It felt like I was giving birth again, it was awful. Loooooots of water!!
I agree with everyone else - you're amazing

Woofsaidtheladybird · 06/08/2012 23:42

Oh and get her out and about in some fresh air (if it's not tipping it down) for a little walk, even if it's only for 5 minutes. Does the world of good.

EMS23 · 06/08/2012 23:45

To add to the great advice already given, some longer term things you might be able to help with:
Note presents received and do thank you cards/ notes.
Fill in Child Benefit, Tax Credit forms.
Find out and assist her in registering the birth.

Paperwork was such an insurmountable task for me for the first few months!!

You're a lovely friend, probably better than a lot of DP's at this time!!

MrsHoolie · 06/08/2012 23:48

You can get extremely tearful on day 3/4/5 when your milk comes in. I was in a right state with my first baby. I was happy and sad all at the same time.
Just a warning!And totally normal.

Canihavesomemore · 06/08/2012 23:49

Yes to bed sheets! Covered in breast milk from leaky breasts and sick and pee and poo needed changing every couple of days. Nipple cream because when it starts to hurt it really hurts breast pads and a baby sling/carrier are great gifts. If shes doing this alone some first year books will help like baby whisperer or what to expect first year

Toddle · 06/08/2012 23:52

My ds is now 8 weeks and those first weeks of being glued to the sofa with a baby feeding are relentless.

I found the best thing for drinks were bottles. 1.5l of flavoured water then just filled up with juice and tons of them. Where ever she feeds put one and try to keep them topped up and 1-2 for over night on the bed/bed side table. It felt like I could have drank a ocean and that way I didnt have to worry about bending down to pick up/put down a glass the bottle could lay next to me on the sofa.

Also if she has any medication to take pain relief, iron etc keep track of what she's taking and when she's due her next dose as if Dp hadn't brought me them I honestly would have forgot.

I found for the first 2 days it was so much better to feed in a rugby ball position rather then a cradle hold across my stomach. as when your uterus contracts back down when your feeding and your baby is pushing down on it, it made the pain worse. For me it felt like labour contractions again and I'm sure she would rather forget what that feels like for a while .

You sound amazing

ImperialBlether · 06/08/2012 23:53

Oh MrsHoolie, that's a good one to remember. I remember crying and crying and not knowing why. If you tell her in advance, at least she'll know to expect it. And get some weepie films in so that she can really go for it!

ImperialBlether · 06/08/2012 23:54

And keep saying, "God, you're fantastic with him. A real natural" even when she's nearly dropped him down the loo!

MrsApplepants · 06/08/2012 23:55

No further advice but what a lovely person you are!

Charbon · 06/08/2012 23:59

If she's had a difficult birth, she might still have swollen legs and difficulty getting into the bath or shower, depending on her set up. If neither you nor her mind that sort of personal care, offering to help with that or asking if she needs assistance would be good. She might also need an extra cushion to sit on if the hospital haven't provided a 'ring' and she's very sore. She might also need lots of sanitary pads in the early days and weeks.

Always put the phones beside her when she's breast feeding.

Encourage her to eat and drink a lot and if you can, prepare snacks and drinks for the night when you won't be there.

What a lovely friend

Hopeforever · 07/08/2012 00:00

What a wonderful friend and loads of good advice, only thing I can add is have the number of a Breast feeding advisor, NCT helpline or similar to hand should she need it.

NCT Breastfeeding Line 0300 330 0771.

leguminous · 07/08/2012 00:00

I'd wind after every feed. (Muslin/small towel over the shoulder to avoid having to change her top at every feed - v. important! :D)

Keep food and drinks coming. Foods she can eat with one hand, and she should ideally avoid having hot drinks/bowls of soup etc. when she's holding the baby as hot spills on newborn skin can be very nasty. I lived on hot cross buns, fat sandwiches, chocolate, bananas, milk and Lucozade for the first week or two. No wonder I couldn't poo until day 8.

You could also keep on top of laundry for her, and/or do some batch cooking of casseroles etc. for the freezer if that's possible so that in a few weeks' time she's still got quick nourishing meals ready made. Tell her how brilliantly she's doing, and encourage her to sleep when the baby does. Play host to visitors so she doesn't have to.

Keep a running shopping list and keep an eye on the level in the nappy pack (assuming she's using disposables) so she doesn't end up running out at 2 am when Vesuvius has just erupted in her baby's backside.

Oh, if you've got any great DVDs (nothing too upsetting, probably, as she'll be getting tearful) then lend them so she's got something to watch when she's up in the night doing endless feeds.

Hopeforever · 07/08/2012 00:01