Internet dating - getting second/third date

[OhWesternWind]

I have just started on this malarkey so I am reading all the dating threads with a lot of interest. I have had two dates, neither of which I wanted to take forward (nor for that matter did the men). So, I have what i think may be a promising date lined up for after my hols. Does anyone have any tips for what I can do to help things move on to a second date and beyond if I ever do meet anyone I think has potential? The first date thing does feel a bit like a job interview so I suppose there must be techniques to "pass" a first date just like there are with an interview!

Any advice much appreciated.

With the other two if you didn't want to take them further then surely you ate doing nothing wrong save for maybe not asking the right questions pre date or maybe your profile doesn't reflect you that well.
In my experience which feels like a hundred years ago, Internet dating is something you have to persevere with for a while as its a quality over quantity thing

Also, you could ask a friend to look at your profile and see if they think it shows you how you see yourself - if you see what I mean?

The two dates were perfectly nice, just no spark. No weird behaviour or perviness!

My profile is pretty short but happy and optimistic. Pics are nice but not tarty or OTT. I think I look like what I am - professional, mother, early 40s looking for relationship rather than fwb etc.

I am so new to all this stuff though and I am sure like most things in life there are ways and means to get better results if you do Thing A rather than Thing B. problem is, I don't know what Thing A is - or what are really bad faux pas on a first interview date! Help is needed.

I think the first thing is to enjoy yourself.

Then, be interested in what the other person has to say, ask questions about it, whilst offering your own perspective and experiences as well.

It's a cliche, but be yourself. No point in doing something you don't normally do because you won't be able to keep it up for long.
Because you'd also be wasting your time.

And remember that you are interviewing them. Notice the little things.

If you like someone and have had a nice evening, finish with 'so when can we do this again?' or something similar to get that second date in the diary. If they agree on the spot, great. If you get 'I'll call you' or 'I'll think about it', move swiftly along.

I'd say the first date shouldn't fee like a job interview! You should be focused on seeing if you can have fun or have interesting discussions together and just generally seeing if you click. You need to find out the basics about each others lives but keep it light in the early stages.

Also, I read somewhere that we like our friends not for who they are, but for who WE are around them, and while I don't agree with this 100% I do think there's a lot of truth in it. I also think it applies to romantic relationships and dating; give someone plenty of opportunities to tell you their funniest and most interesting anecdotes, and they'll probably conclude that they enjoy your company. And if you can match these with your own then you're onto a winner! Ask lots of open questions and try to keep the conversation balanced, 50/50. Try not to finish speaking too often without first asking a question back.

This guy is a dating coach and has a website with all sorts of dating advice, from a man's point of view and specifically for women. www.evanmarckatz.com/

It's a numbers game. How high the numbers reach is a matter of luck I think! I agree that first dates are a bit like interviews - get the basic info, decide if they make you laugh and whether you'd like to spend more time with them. Then work out if they feel the same - I found it easy to tell when it was a 'thanks, but no thanks' on both our sides.

The only technique is to be yourself, corny as it sounds and as said by an earlier poster.

FWIW I was in the same boat as you (early 40s, professional mother looking for a relationship) and my track record at the internet dating malarkey was as follows: total number of first dates = 8, total number of second dates = 5, third dates = 4, weird 6-week thing with flaky man = 1, three month relationship = 1, wonderful partner for nearly three years now = 1.

Mutual decision not to have further dates = 2
They didn't want any further dates with me/chucked me (!) = 2
I didn't want any further dates with them = 3
Still putting up with me = 1

Good luck!

I'm seeing someone now I met online. The first date was nothing like a job interview - if it feels like that, it isn't right!

Ours was more like two mates meeting up for a laugh. We went bowling - I kicked his ass well and truly - we laughed about it - he said he'd never take me bowling again Before we left each other that night he said to me "Let me know if I can take you out again yeah?"

I left and 20 minutes later got a text saying how much he'd enjoyed the night and how he'd love to arrange date 2. Things have been going really well ever since.

Maybe the key is to not treat it like a date/interview and just treat it as a night out? a laugh? relax.

I dont know if the job interview comparison was a good one! I don't mean grilling each other with twenty questions but it is a bit like when you apply for a job in that it all seems good on paper but when you actually go along for the date/job interview it can all look very different. I turned down a job I was offered in the new year because when I went to the interview the company's style really didn't gel with what I was looking for, same thing if there is no spark or you don't hit it off on the first date. It's all about finding out if there's a "fit" in terms of personality, values, physically, what you want out of a relationship etc etc although of course this is done a lot more covertly than at a job interview!

I have some hopes of the next date being a good 'un and I don't want to cock it up unnecessarily especially if I am nervous! Have told the guy I am nervous and he's very understanding.

But you never know til you meet do you?

You are right, it is just a numbers game and a matter of luck but I do hope things sort out sooner rather than later as its not my favourite way to meet people. Sadly it's the only real option at the moment due to circumstances. Wish me luck please!

Oh and thank you all for sharing your stories too. It's so encouraging to hear about good outcomes. I will get there, I will

OhWesternWind I didn't meet my lovely DP (mid 40s professional with kids) through internet dating, but through a singles event. DP had done some internet dating and found it very disheartening. She had been to some singles events and found them better.

It was my first singles event. I was very recently out of a long marriage. I had just arrived at the event and I was talking to some really weird bloke some guy. Then I saw her coming down the stairs, laughing. (She was laughing at what a dive the venue was.) I thought I wanted to talk to her. Her reaction on me getting her a Diet Coke ("is this from an open bottle? it's flat. I'm going to get it replaced") was enough for me to know I wanted to talk to her for the rest of the evening.

We have now been seeing each other for almost a year. I like her more and more.

Long self-indulgent post is really just to say that there are some lovely people out there, and internet dating is not the only way to meet them.

Good luck.

So - it's tomorrow night for the date I am hopeful about (but not too hopeful, keeping things in perspective here) . . . Wish me luck, he seems a really nice guy. I have got another one, possibly two, lined up in case though, it's just a matter of finding enough babysitters to cope with this social whirl!

OhWesternWind - how did it go? I ask with interest as I had my 2nd online date ever last night too. Awful night. Uncomfortable. Rude bloke who was as obviously not interested in me as I was in him. However, I was still polite and asked a few questions. He on the other hand just told me all about himself and asked nothing about me. We couldnt get away fast enough - and we had got on so well before meeting. Funny old game....

How did it go OhWesternwind?

I,ve had about 15 dates now - here are my results

I liked - 4
They liked but i didnt -11

Im still fishing tho

I think you have to bear in mind that a large majority of men on dating sites are not looking for a second date. So it doesn't really matter what you do, or don't do, there's no way of changing it if that's their intention.

I haven't had a second date in 4 years (on & off) of internet dating.

That is in no way a reflection on me, but rather on the men themselves most of whom are still on the same dating sites they were months or years ago.

This year I've had 8 dates. One of those I didn't like, the rest I would have been prepared to see again. They all asked to see me again, indeed 3 of them arranged a second date before the end of the first. And every one of them disappeared, cancelled etc etc. Nothing I could have done differently, except perhaps not waste my time going in the first place!

Thanks for all your replies.

Sponge really interested by what you say. Why do you think all these blokes aren't looking for second dates?

Needles so did anything good happen with the four?

Puds. Sounds horrendous! I had one like this - he didn't talk about bitumen all night did he?

Date last night was good, had a little cuddle at the end, he said lets do this again, but today nothing, no text or message so I think another one bites the dust. I am not sure if I'd have seen him again or not, probably would if I'm honest but I have some more possibilities lined up. I am feeling a little bit disheartened really.

These are mine Westernwind:

Dates in last 12 months: 16

I liked but they didn't, or turned out they just wanted a shag (no thanks): 4
They liked but I didn't: 10
We both liked each other: 2

But out of these 2:
1 - turned out to be a psychopath (yes really!!)
1 - after first date which I thought went well we tried to rearrange second date. 3 times he cancelled at last minute and I wasn't getting good vibes, found him a little odd, so ended it.

Westernwind having been on dating sites for a year now I think its just a case of keeping going and hoping that eventually you'll find someone you click with. Someone once put it to me as trying on pairs of shoes until you find the pair that fits. I quite liked that.

western it's the conclusion I've had to draw from my experience - and that of a few fellow daters who either never or rarely got beyond a first date. Personally, and without wishing to do a Samantha Brick, I have an awful lot going for me - if ANY of the men I had dated genuinely was looking for a woman to date there is no reason why they would not have dated me more than once, or indeed gone ahead with the dates they arranged with me. For a lot of men it seems it's just the thrill of the chase, proving they can get a date/sex/whatever. Some of them are just after sex - but again, not looking for a FWB or any kind of repeat, just a one off. Others are just happy with some occasional company, still more never even go on dates, they're the ones who are message/message/message, suggest a date then cancel last minute (had a few of those too!)

I was very lucky internet dating, messages from 3 men, 1 date, still together a couple of years on, and very much in love (well, I am)! He's the best £30 I ever spent and he says the same about me.

He felt like a mate the whole way through and although we were both nervous, it was a good laugh and I had no doubts about seeing him again.

I liked him because he was honest and not trying too hard to impress. We broke the cardinal rules of what not to talk about on a date, and still got on like a house on fire. If he's spent the evening bugging himself up to impress me, I would have run a mile.

I am feeling a bit low about all this stuff tonight. I just want someone of my own who's here for me (and vice versa) without having to go through all this cocking rubbish to get there. Usually I am fine but tonight I just feel really lonely and sad and unwanted. Have had a bit of a rubbish day and no-one to moan to who really cares.

Got another bloke wanting to take me out at weekend but haven't the heart to reply tonight.

Hey Westernwind I've been feeling the same today, I hear you. Most of my friends are married and have no idea what this feels like. Most of the time I just get on with it and try and focus on other things I am trying to achieve in my life, but sometimes it just really gets you down doesn't it. Especially when you put in so much effort on these websites then date after date is a disappointment and it feels like such a fricking waste of time. Which is why I'm on a break right now. But at some point will prob go back to it as I live in hope...

Hi there Soon and thanks for your messages. Bit worrying about the psycho guy, lucky escape there.

I just can't understand why you go out on a date with people and then if things went well ie no red flags or major conflicts in attitudes/priorities in life, why you wouldn't arrange a second date to get to know that person a bit better. If people are expecting a thunderbolt of passion and love, I think that's possibly a bit unrealistic and they might be waiting a long time. Surely by the time you get to your 40s you realise that relationships need time to grow? It's the disappearing without a word thing that I find a bit rude and unnecessary especially if at the end of the date they are saying they would love to see me again and suggesting things to do later in the week. I have had this happen twice now and don't know what this is about. If they don't want to see me again, why say they do? I won't be offended, better that than being strung along.

I guess I just don't understand men!

I just want someone to love and be loved by but some days it seems hopeless. Still I am generally an optimistic person so onwards and upwards, maybe just not today.

Hope you are feeling better about things soon too.

I think reasons for this could be either they weren't interested but were too polite to say. OR they were juggling several options re women and were just keeping their options open with you. OR they just wanted a shag and sensed that you didn't want same. One date I had was being very flirty, I thought we got on well. At end of date he said didn't think we had a spark did we - I was gobsmacked - texted him later for explanation since was getting all the good vibes - he said if we saw each other again it would only be for sex nothing more, clearly this is all he wanted from the start!! Gits!

Yes feeling better today thanks for asking even if I do end up alone with ten cats :) Hope you're feeling better too.

Hi - I met my DH through internet dating (together 6 years, married 2 years, baby daughter of 10 months).

I think it's a great way to meet people and forge great friendships ( I still keep in touch with one of my 'dates' - there was absolutely no spark but we ended up great mates).

Ideas for how to get a 2nd date - if you feel a chemistry or spark then be honest and say something along the lines of "I've really enjoyed your company and would love to do this again". You both know what to expect, you can both be honest and grown up about whether you want to meet again. I was always honest with guys I dated, no point getting hopes up if you feel it's not right.

You are correct about it not being realistic to expect a thunderbolt of passion.. when I met my DH, I didn't feel that....he was a sort of 'grower' and it took a couple more dates before I thought "yeah, this guy is great, there could be something here"

I suppose, just be honest with him and, above all, yourself. All the best and enjoy!