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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Question re free dating websites

30 replies

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 06/08/2012 13:43

My recently divorced sister has signed up to one or two (maybe more) free dating websites. She is not looking for a partner, but rather just to have some fun. She told me her user name and (rightly or wrongly) I googled it.

I was really shocked to see that her details are on MANY sites, some of which are really seedy and vile.

i am too embarrased to tell her that I googled her (Daft, I know) but I wonder whether she has any idea that she is all over these other websites, too. Some of them are very graphic and base.

My question is - if you sign up to a free website such as this, is your information automatically shared with other sites or would she have had to sign up for all of them? I appreciate that it is none of my business but I am concerned that she is playing with fire. She has had lots of dates and lots of sex with various men (her life, I know) but I worry that one will be a maniac and do her some harm.

She says that she is very careful and does not open the door if they do not look like the picture that they sent her - this means that they coming to her home!

Do I tell her what I found? Would she know she is on all these sites?

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Original poster

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 06/08/2012 14:20

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Lueji · 06/08/2012 14:24

I suspect she does know. And it could be safe to assume that otherwise she would pick up men at pubs and clubs. They pose the same risk as online men.

Houseofplain · 06/08/2012 14:33

Actually there are some really dodgy companies. Who offer free, what seems like respectable dating services.......then share your profile around less savoury websites under their umbrella. Which many agree too by ticking the I've read the 200 pages of t&cs.

Original poster

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 06/08/2012 14:45

That's what I was wondering, Houseofplain. It could well be that she has no idea.

Lueji, of course you are right! Anyone from anywhere could pose a risk. What makes my sister's behaviour more worrying, though is that I don't know if anyone knows where she is going or when anyone is coming to her house.

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HeftyHeifer · 06/08/2012 14:57

Yes, the details can be swapped around with other sites. Houseofplain is quite right. They also lift pics from profiles etc.
I think I'd mention it to her in a very non judgmental way, just ask if she knows that this goes on.

Original poster

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 06/08/2012 15:09

Her picture does appear on these other sites, too. Perhaps I should raise it with her, Hefty.

I hope to high heaven that I don't upset her by telling her that. Wish me luck...

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Original poster

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 06/08/2012 15:19

by me telling her that, of course.

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Lueji · 06/08/2012 15:25

If it makes you feel better, men intent on hurting women can and often do it without invitations to their homes, or are already in relationships with them.
Her behaviour is not necessarily riskier than yours.

Lueji · 06/08/2012 15:26

Also, maybe you can mention that you were curious, mention all the sites where she showed up and say that you didn't know there were so many?

If she knows, she won't be surprised. If she doesn't, then she can check herself and act upon it.

Numberlock · 06/08/2012 15:32

I would never consider telling anyone where I lived until after several dates. Not just because of the danger factor but:

(a) I'm not interested in men who think that turning up to my house is the required level of effort to have sex with me (even if just looking for no-strings, it would have to be much more 'classy') and

(b) it's bad enough getting endless text messages from the odd loon I've picked up over the years, but if they'd also known where I lived...

There's nothing wrong at all with her just wanting to meet men for no-strings but as a minimum she should be meeting them in a public place beforehand and telling someone where she's going.

As for some sites putting your profile on other dating sites, yes this happens.

But her safety would be my main concern.

She says that she is very careful and does not open the door if they do not look like the picture that they sent her

This does not constitute careful behaviour in any way.

Original poster

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 06/08/2012 15:45

Of course her behaviour is not safe in any manner, Number. I agree. She said that she meets them usually in a coffee shop but has said that she does not open her door if they do not look like they did in the photo. She also says that she does not have sex with all of them - sometimes her decision and sometimes theirs.

From what she has told me, some of these men have gone to her house. It is always for no strings attached sex and that's fine with me - her choice.

But her safety is a worry (I understand what you mean, Lueji, but if no one knows where she is or who she is with it sort of adds to the possible menace, I feel).

I cannot stop her doing what she is and I certainly have no intention of even trying. It is none of my business. But I think I will raise with her the matter of the numerous websites that she is on.

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Lueji · 06/08/2012 15:51

Anyone can be followed home or attacked on the street.

(although, I am debating myself whether to and when to bring current man home, and if it's safe or not. )

Numberlock · 06/08/2012 15:55

Well let's focus on the positive. It's really good that she has confided in you and you can use this opportunity to get things out in the open.

You don't need to tell her you have googled her profile and the number of sites she is on isn't that relevant.

Instead you can tell her that you're really glad she's told you about what she's doing and the just having fun thing isn't a bad idea after coming out of a relationship. And that because you care about her, you would be happy to act as her confidant with regards to the dating. So you would be happy for her to run any concerns about any of the guys past you and would just ask that she lets you know when and where she is meeting people and that she is home safe afterwards or that they have left her house if that is where they are meeting. (Obviously try to discourage this but if she insists on still doing it you would rather know the truth than feel she has to hide it and lie.)

This is the same of course that you would ask her to do if she was looking for a full relationship.

You sound like a lovely, caring sister and that you have a good, open relationship already.

Original poster

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 06/08/2012 15:59

Yes, I appreciate that, Lueji, but she is increasing the risk of something bad happening. We are all at risk of harm to some extent or other, but certain behaviour can increase that risk - your own behaviour, too. What she is doing in incresing her risk of harm.

As for your predicament, you are being really sensible! Far more than I was in my single days. My blood runs cold thinking how reckless I was when I was younger.

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Numberlock · 06/08/2012 16:03

although, I am debating myself whether to and when to bring current man home, and if it's safe or not

Lueji - that's a tough one isn't it. I guess if you're considering it as a possibility and you can trust your gut instinct, then perhaps start with jsut a takeaway/cook dinner for him first before going for a full night at yours.

How many dates have you been on? Have you been to his place?

Lueji · 06/08/2012 16:09

I really don't want to highjack the thread.

We have started contact almost a month ago and have met four times. Once at his friends', while on holiday.

He has been nothing but respectful and a good person, so far.

DS is away on holiday for the week.

But, I'm going through a bad divorce and I really don't want more drama in my life, if he turned out to be a creep.

(probably best to discuss it further in the dating thread, though)

Lueji · 06/08/2012 16:10

And yeah, I think I want to go to his place before bringing him to mine.

Numberlock · 06/08/2012 16:13

probably best to discuss it further in the dating thread, though

Will do, Lueji, in the meantime, I think the fact that you've met his friends is positive.

Original poster

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 06/08/2012 17:08

I am not worried about a hijacking of the thread! I have had great answers and suggestions to my dilemma so go ahead! Not a problem for me at all.

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Original poster

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 07/08/2012 07:43

I spoke to my sister and she says she is aware that other dodgy sites take the info. She is not bothered at all. Says that she is very careful and can suss out a lot from chatting first before meeting the men. Also says that she always meets them away from her house first. She says she is very good at learning about people through chatting online.

Ah well, her life and all that.

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Numberlock · 07/08/2012 07:57

Morning, Alliwant. Did you mention the point about asking her to let you know when and where she was meeting people and letting you know she's safe afterwards?

Original poster

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 07/08/2012 10:48

Numberlock, I am in the northern hemisphere and she is in the southern hemisphere and in completely different time zones so I would be of no use to her at all.

I think she does have friends where she is, but I am not sure how much they know about what she is doing. I reckon at least one of her friends knows, though. She has had self esteem problems since forever and is revelling in the attention that these men (some married) are giving her.

It is all very messy but there is nothing I can or want to do about it. Her choice. She is adamant that she does not want a relationship, just fuck buddies. To me, that seems such a lonely life.

Thanks for the advice and support, though.

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Numberlock · 07/08/2012 11:03

You're welcome, Alliwant.

I think I can understand her thinking on the fuck buddies thing.

She's recently divorced so doesn't want another relationship straight away but doesn't want to miss on out male company and sex. Perhaps at some point in the future she'll be ready for more.

As I've already said, you sound like a great sister, so all you can do is keeping checking in with her to make sure she's OK and continue to offer the support which you are already giving her.

She is adamant that she does not want a relationship, just fuck buddies... that seems such a lonely life

As an aside, the times in my life when I've felt the loneliest are when I've been in a relationship with the wrong person.

mercury7 · 07/08/2012 12:16

'Says that she is very careful and can suss out a lot from chatting first before meeting the men.'
Alliwant I think that if you are level headed and with a bit of practise you do develop an instinct for this sort of thing.

I've used 'no strings dating' websites, idiots are very easy to spot, nothing bad ever happened:)

It might seem like a lonely life to you but really I cant be bothered with relationships, but prefer not to do without sex.
Horses for courses:)

Original poster

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 07/08/2012 12:57

To be fair to my sister, I have also had times of no strings attached sex so I am certainly not judging her. I appreciate what you mean, Numberlock about being very lonely in the wrong relationship. She has had 2 bad marriages and is not interested in anything along those lines at all.

Mercury, I am really pleased to hear that!! I was very dubious about her comment in being able to suss out weirdos! Thanks..

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