Practical help, please

[onesixonetwo]

I'm a regular but NC to protect my RL identity.
It's been a shocker of a weekend.

I have to dash to work so will explain more later but trying to be practical please can you help me to answer these questions.

If me & DD go to a refuge can they force me to change DD's school?
She's in the middle of her GCSEs and I just can't do it.
He wouldnt try to go to her school or approach her.

How is housing benefit calculated?
I just want to work out whether I would be entitled to it and if so how much.

Does anyone know anything about the scheme whereby local authorities lend people in need the deposit for a privately rented property?
How does this work, please?
We are already on the housing register.

Finally, I don't mean to feel sorry for myself but I feel so alone.

Your dd needs to be at school when in a refuge, so will depend on distance. It should be fine if you can get her there even if you move out of catchment. I currently do this myself

Housing benefit and deposit scheme depends on your local council. They all operate differently

Once a child has a place at a school, that's fixed. The exception would be if you moved so far out of the area that it makes it impractical to keep going to that school.

Housing benefit is worked out individual to the local authority's policy and is based on average rents in the area. Best to get in touch with you local housing department and ask about your specific case. At the same time you could mention deposits. Women's Aid not only provide refuge, however, they also provide practical advice on this kind of thing.

It's OK to feel upset and downhearted if you're the victim of DV. Is there no-one in real life you can call and talk to?

As your DD is in her GCSE years the local authority might provide transport for her. They can't force her out of the school.

Are you absolutely sure he would not approach her at or near school? If there was a chance he might approach her en route you might have a stronger case for a transport provision.

Hope you're ok, you sound really stuck x

Also some refuges might be hesitant to take someone local if there is a chance he might come to the refuge, just something to bear in mind.

Are you in immediate danger OP? If so that takes precedence, you both need to be safe

They wouldn't make her move school even if you're outside of area. Also let the school though your concerns and they can make sure the only person who can come and collect her etc is you or a person arranged through you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

A bit of background:

DH and I have known each other for decades, we went out in our teens, then in our early 20s.
I finished with him then because he was a functioning alcoholic.
We both eventually married other people.

As a functioning alcoholic the emphasis is usually on the functioning.
He has never been out of work, his family didn't know until more recent years, I've never known him to hide bottles in the house or drink during the daytime.

Neither of our first marriages worked, when we were both single he came to find me again, I agreed to get back together with him on the condition he went to AA to seek help and also got some counselling.
It's been a rocky road but he has done very well over all.

Trouble is as an alcoholic he has never really learnt how to cope with his emotions.
So when anything big happens and there have been a few lately he gets rolling drunk.
Sometimes when he is drunk he is abusive.
He has pushed me but never hit me.
Instead, he is verbally abusive and sometimes throws things.

There has been a family tragedy recently.
His family have locked together which is fair enough but to the exclusion of me, his wife.
I suggested calmly that I was hurt about this and he went off the rails.
Drank, nasty, verbally aggressive, not letting me sleep.

DD doesn't know because he is fine with her.
Sorry this is so long.
I would appreciate your thoughts?

My thoughts are that I wouldn't wish an alcoholic on my worst enemy. IME they rarely quit successfully and, even if they do, they never really tackle the behavioural and mental problems that they used alcohol to suppress. i.e. They are messed up people whether drunk or sober.

I don't see a way back from this if he's drinking and abusive. He may not be able to 'control his emotions' but that doesn't give him permission to take it out on the person closest to him. Pushing and throwing things counts as physical violence and he's had more than enough opportunity to clean up his act. I think you need to explain to DD exactly what's been going on, if she hasn't worked it out already. Then make your plans to get him out of your life.

Its definitely abusive and risky. I am a DV professional, here is my advice.

Ring your local Police dept and see if they have IDVAs (independant dv advocates) who will conduct a risk assessment on you. If not, the police themselves will do it.

Based upon what comes out, a plan of action can be suggested to you, which you do not have to follow but which might help.

It might involve a) staying with him until an incident occurs again, and then ringing 999 and having him taken away and then applying for civil orders (which you could do yourself or via the Nat Ctr for DV - look it up) or best case, thro a solicitor. Civil orders may mean that he is ordere to live elsewhere, or a criminal order meaning he is bailed elsewhere. You get to stay at home and your daughter gets to carry on at school.

How come she is in the middle of her gcse's in August btw or do you mean 15 going on 16?

Have you suggested you divorce him? I would really get professionals involved for some proper advice because without an assessment of the risk you are facing we ought not to advise. A refuge may not allow your daughter to go back to the school you see, what with the risk it would bring on a daily basis to everyone else in the house plus you two.

You may be better off to adopt coping strategies at home until he commits another offence and then you can take the civil path - but this is risky and what risks are you dealing with?

Police my dear - DV professionals xxx

Brilliant advice, thank you.

Im on my mobile now so apologies for spelling mistakes.
The 'trouble' is that he only gets drunk once in a while, it's been months since he last did so it could be a long time before this happens again.

Also our house is rented & I couldn't afford it on my own so I know DD & I will have to move.

OK taking that one point at a time then -

1. If he only does it once in a while, that increases your safety. But do think about ringing 999 if he does it again. Meanwhile -
2. Are you going to separate? In which case, you will need to work out your finances, and you may as well start that now. Women need money and friends they could rely on in a crisis. Can you siphon off any money? Save any? Earn a bit more? Start looking at places you could afford to rent yourself?

Sorry you are going thro this - you CAN do it yourself. Maybe you will earn part of the rent and HB will cover the rest? You may need a deposit tho - so get a grand tucked away, safe from him. Can you do that if you are married? Do you know a way to get that sort of money where he can't touch it?

Make lists, keep them private from him. Will he agree to separate or will he kick up a fuss? If the latter, don't tell him. Mind how you go with names on rental agreements etc if you plan to flee.

If you want private help, pls pm xxx But I do think a professional who can do this all 'over the counter' for you is better than me here. Letters written and so on to support your needs x

Sorry, try again.
Back on laptop.
He came home then went out again.

While I was trying to post on my mobile DD came in & said who are you texting?
I said .
She said you'd better no be having an affair I won't speak to you again, at least (DH) just gets drunk quietly.

Now she won't speak to me.
I'm not having an affair, I was posting on MN.

I know he won't try anything funny at her school as he is terrified of being socially embarrassed.
Which is ironic as when he is drunk he is shameful.

How is your daughter towards you most of the time? Have you sat down and spoken to her about all of this? Is she blaming you / angry with you?

Have you got time to ring 101 and speak to someone at your local safer neighbourhoods team - dv professionals often work hand in hand with them and you could be on someone's caseload by the end of the day today.

Also, to think about benefit entitlements, get your payslips sorted out and take them to a CAB appt or your local jobcentre and find out how much you would be entitled to in housing benefit.

Deposits are often provided by councils, but sometimes they give a letter saying that they will make good wear and tear, not damage. So lots of private landlords don't want that. Hence I say it would be better to get cash together yourself. Do not underestimate me when I say that money is going to be your friend - can you take on any more work and save the cash? It is the simplest way to get out of trouble - pay your way out of it. He can fuck off.

Also, be very careful when living with someone abusive that they don't catch you out with your plans. Can you siphon stuff off to your Mum or a friend? Letting him catch you making plans to leave is risky. xx

Yes I can siphon off money but it will take a long while to have enough for first months rent & deposit.

My daughter loves DH and I, we have a good relationship.
She is angry and blaming me at the moment.

He came in from work and was devastated, crying etc.
I took the dog for a walk, told him to calm down and that I would talk to him when I came home.
Came home and he's gone.
Don't know if he's gone for a few minutes or a few days, expect him to get drunk.
So frustrating.

Do you know the number for the local Alateen group? I think you will find that this has affected her far more than you have acknowledge so far. Her comment seems to indicate that.

She is likely to be angry because she may perceive that you could change your behaviour in order to prevent his from worsening. This is exactly why you should not stay, and this is why your DD will need some support in the aftermath. Do speak to refuges locally, as they have this kind of support in house

Start saving anyway - you will need money no matter what. Don't bury your head or expect someone else to sort you out. This is important.

Often children do blame the 'safe' parent. It is easier to brush things under the carpet. Also, does he say that what he did, he did because you this or you that? ie does he blame it on you and she is following suit?

If he gets drunk, do you have anywhere you and she can go tonight? If not and he kicks off, ring 999 and give your location immediately. You don't have to put up with this or tiptoe around it. Take good care my dear, you are worth it and you don't deserve this x

Yes I will save some money
DD has gone to stay with her friend for the night.
Im at my friends house for a chat.

I can't think straight at the moment.

Hello my dear I was worrying about you last night. How was your night in the end?

Oh thank you so much for asking!
I was thinking about starting a new post.

Last night was awful.
He went out, came in so drunk he couldn't walk properly so I kept out of the way.
Made himself food at midnight, when he was in the sitting room I slipped into the kitchen to check everything was switched off, he'd cut himself, there was blood over the kitchen, I cleaned up adn went quietly back upstairs.
He came to bed at about 1.15am.
He was crying, screeching and howling literally like an animal. He was in a state of massive distress.
I thought about ringing the dr out of hours or police but didn't know what they would or could do.
I considered him a danger to himself.

He went to work later this morning.
Since he left I have spoken to my local IDAS, they were great but we live in a rural area and the nearest place they have somewhere that DD and I could go is an hour away, they said if I moved there they would discuss with me whether I should stay in my job or leave and go onto benefits.
As my self esteem is already crashingly low the last thing I want to do is give up a job I enjoy and which helps me to feel independent.

Also the distance would mean DD would have to give up her school as the distance is so far but I don't want her to do this as the disruption will be so great.

I spoke to my local housing department, they will get back to me this afternoon.

I telephoned out drs who are going to write DH a letter to ask him to come in for a 'health check'.
You may think I am being weak in helping DH but he is in a really bad way.

No no I don't think that at all - well done you. Loads of really good things have happened then, let's have a think.....

What is the state of your communication with your husband - can you talk to him? Can you text him?

If what you are saying is that you are sort of thinking about staying at home until you can maybe be rehoused, what damage limitation could start?

Can the IDAS people help you safety plan for staying at home? You did BRILLIANTLY to stay out of his way - that is exactly the right thing to do - I would add that you might have to lock yourself in a bathroom if he turned on you at any stage, say he caught you creeping about, so you need to think of your mobile phone at all times when he is about - it needs to be fully charged, with credit on it and hidden on your person. Don't wave it about where he can see it and potentially take it off you. If he turns on you, and you go for the bathroom, and he blocks you, you need to get the phone out and ring 999 and give your location.

The next thing is, what support can you get in place for yourself? DV is never your fault - never - and the impact on you can be reversed if you tak it through.

Re housing, keep us posted re what they say as I am well versed on the law in this regard, altho it is wise to work with them.

I do not think you are being weak at all, I think you being exceptionally brave, standing in the middle handling it all. xxx

If he gets like this again, yes you could ring police. He might need to be assessed under the Mental Health Act.

Thank you.
I think he needs a mental health assessment, I have spoken to the dr and will ring the police if he is 'ill' again.
I can't really talk to him at the moment as he is so inconsistent.
He goes between angry, desperate, crying, confused, pleading and I don't know which one is going to walk through the door at any given minute or the response I will get if I speak to him.

As far as damage limitation goes I am staying out of his way, keeping my phone with me and I will call the police if he becomes violent but really he goes out rather than get to that so he's not breaking the law as such.

IDAS are going to ask one of their advisors to contact me to give me advice.

My Mum is good for support although I cannot tell her the full extent of it all because she will worry and she currently has a lot to worry about besides me.
Most of our friends are mutual friends because we grew up together but I went to see one of them last night, she was great.
I also rang my SIL this morning - his brother's wife - she works with victims of DV so she is good. I want her help & support. DH had asked me - in fact ordered me - not to speak to his family but he will need some support so i don't feel bad about speaking to her.

If I can be selfish for a minute I feel terrible. I have a headache and my brain feels weird, I can't take the details in. I shake and cry, my eyes are weird.

You are, obviously, under massive stress. Take something for the headache, try to get some horizontal rest. Let your racing thoughts (if they are racing) just do their thing.