How do I tell him?

[justtryingtodomybest]

After much heart searching I have decided that my marriage is not working and it would be better if DH and I split up. We haven't been married very long and there are no DCs involved so it should be fairly straight forward.
However I just don't know how to bring the subject up with him. I've spoken to him before about how I feel and he's always been totally shocked that I'm not happy. He seems to think that if he does a bit of hoovering now and again everything will be okay.
I know he'll be hurt and I don't want to make it any worse than it needs to be. But how I can say that I made a mistake and we should never have married ?

Just tell him be honest.

You just have to tell him. There's nothing else you can do. Tell him and leave.

You say you've talked to him but have you told him that you are so unhappy about X, Y and Z that if they don't change - you can't continue in the relationship? or was it oh, I am sick of you never hoovering...

Did he understand what you were saying to him? Did you tell him what you need in order to be happy?

If so, then it should come as no surprise.

I think your last sentence says it perfectly. Best to be straightforward and saying you have made a mistake and should never have married is something that cannot really be argued with.

If you are trying to find a way to say it and him not be hurt, well...not possible I'm afraid.

Be brave and just tell him, and yes of course you will feel bad, and he will feel hurt but that is unavoidable.

In the future he will be able to look back and say well thank goodness she told me, and thank goodness we didn't have any DCs.

Best of luck.

Well if you've not been married for long, didn't you feel like this before you got hitched?
What has changed so much so recently that is making it untenable? You seriously think you can do this without hurting his feelings? Would you consider Relate before throwing in the towel?

I have talked to him about it a number of times and tried to explain that I don't feel our marriage is working, I feel more like his landlady etc. Without repeating it all, I think this thread gives the background.
I'm not really sure what more talking will achieve - he won't open up to me and just agrees with me that things need to change, but they don't.
I appreciate that I can't do this without hurting his feelings but I don't want to do anything to make it any worse than it already is. This is not what I wanted - I didn't get married thinking it would go wrong. But it has, so surely it's better to end things so we can both move on?

Have just looked at your link to previous thread.

Sounds like you should now just get on with it and stop dragging it out.

Then move on.

Hmmm. One sentence you wrote on that thread stands out. I paraphrase.... there's not enough emotion left to argue.

I REALLY don't often say this OP, I really don't.... I think your marriage has run its course. I personally think he is preventing you from living a full life, no matter what course that might take.

I'd call time on it. I think that is only the second time I've ever said that.

Really sorry. I hope you come to s decision that you're happy with asap. Life is there to be lived.

Yes, it is. You have the right to be happy. you both do.

And if you have reached your decision, then there is no sense in putting it off, it just prologues the agony.

I'm sorry your relationship has not worked out.

I've done it twice, with young children the first time, and an extremely ill child this time. You look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud 'I am worth more than this' and then you sit him down and say it is over between you. You tell him you are divorcing him and you get on and do it.

My first divorce took me ages to work up the courage as I felt terrible guilt for breaking up the marriage (I didn't - it was a decision forced on me, I just took the first legal steps). This time round I have recognised the signs earlier and with experience on my side and with a seriously ill child I know that life is short and I deserve to live it either happily on my own or happily with someone where there is mutual love, respect, intimacy and laughter.

Respect yourself and be brave enough to do something about it.

I hope that last sentence did not sound too harsh. I understand how difficult it is to start the conversation but I remember well the relief I felt first time (second time overshadowed by my DS illness) when I spoke it out loud my intentions and I knew I would go through with it.

I knew a new life was there waiting for me.

Hi minmooch - it didn't sound harsh at all. Just what I needed to hear.
I think I have done everything I can to make this work but have finally realised that it's not going to because we are not right for each other.
It's taken a bout of depression followed by some counselling to let me start to think that I deserve better.

Have you absolutely decided that there is no way forward in this marriage. Do you think he is unhappy because everything is in your name. Not saying you should have put it in his name if you paid for all of it. But maybe he feels like a lodger rather than a husband. I wonder why things have got so bad in such a very short time. Do you think maybe you had different expectations of how marriage should work?

I don't think he's upset at all that everything is in my name. I think he's delighted because it means he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything or make any decisions.
I've realised now that we did have different expectations. And that's something we should have discussed before marriage - but we didn't so we are where we are.

Do you see, it's not in his interests to understand your point of view. If he continues to play dumb and hurt he hopes things will carry on the way they are now, which according to your other thread is massively in his favour (you providing everything, paying the bills with a minor contribution and doing nearly all the work). Of course he's hurt if it looks like his meal ticket is about to walk off. I'm not saying he isn't genuinely fond of you, I don't know him, maybe he is; but that fondness doesn't include mutual respect. Warm fuzzy feelings don't compensate for not even trying to pull one's weight.

I think you have to just do it, but if you want to do it kindly, tell him it's because you aren't suited, rather than because he's an idle self-centred cocklodger. It's no good him trying to insist that you must be suited because he's happy. You aren't happy, and your feelings are just as valid.