I've been taken for a mug

[justtryingtodomybest]

I'd just like to get some outside views on this. I know what my family and friends think but it's useful to hear from others. It could be quite long so apologies for that.

I met DH in January 2010. We got married in April 2011. Before that, I had been single for a long time. He had been single for 9 years after his first marriage ended in divorce.

We both owned our own flats - he moved into mine and, when he was unable to sell his, he rented it out.

I sold my flat in December 2010 and bought a house. The deposit for the house came totally from the profit from my flat. I paid for everything to do with the move - legal fees, removal firm, decorating the new house etc.

Everything in the house was mine already or bought by me. The only joint things are the TV (which we bought as a joint Christmas present) and wedding presents. The only things of DH's are his clothes and personal items.

I work full-time and also do the majority of all household chores, shopping, cooking, ironing etc. DH works 30 hours per work and spends most of his time at home either watching TV or playing on this PC. He has just had four days off in a row and all he has done is cut the grass and hoover. Any days off I have are regularly spent doing food shopping, cleaning, ironing etc. If anything needs done in the house then I have to arrange it, find a tradesman, pay for it - or it just won't happen. All the bills are in my name and paid from my account - I don't think DH would even know who are utility providers are.

DH gives me money each week as his contribution towards the mortgage, bills etc. However he refuses to set up a standing order for this and instead gets cash each week which he leaves in the kitchen - for some reason he can't even give it to me directly.

I feel like I am being used as a glorified housekeeper - who happened to come with a house. We don't spend a lot of time together or taking part in joint activities - we very rarely even sleep in the same bed.

Reading this back, the first question that jumps to mind is why did I marry him. And, to be honest, I struggle to answer that. I keep hoping things will get better but I'm beginning to doubt that will ever happen.

Does this sound like a healthy relationship?

[babyhammock]

If the house is in your name then tell him to leave now, and then you see a solicitor.

[izzyizin]

It seems that now that the rosy specs have fallen off, you've discovered why he's divorced.

Is the house/mortgage in your sole names or joint names?

It very much sounds as if your h has relegated you to the status of landlady. I suggest you give him notice to quit and, if you can't fund the mortgage payments alone, get a more considerate lodger.

[ImperialBlether]

Well, although you've wasted a lot of time with him, at least you have your house and your things in it.

Tell him you want to split up and that he should find himself somewhere else to live. It doesn't actually sound as though he'd be that bothered.

Just don't give him a penny more.

[justtryingtodomybest]

The house and mortgage are both in my name only

[janelikesjam]

Get legal advice as soon as you can. This is very important, as I think it really helps clarify your overall position. A good divorce solicitor should be able to advise you of your legal position re. who is entitled to what in one session, especially as your marriage so far is short and I assume you have no children.

[solidgoldbrass]

Yes, definitely consult a solicitor. If you weren't married, you could put this man on the street immediately and call the police to remove him if he wouldn't go; as you are married you need to do things a bit more efficiently. Actually, be thankful that he didn't set up a standing order, the fact that he leaves you cash on the kitchen counter is going to make it a lot harder for him to claim anything WRT the house.

[amillionyears]

Do you love him?
Does he love you?
Have you ever asked him to do things differently?

[amillionyears]

Oh,and do you have children?
And do you frequently argue?

[justtryingtodomybest]

To answer your questions amillionyears -

I don't know if I love him
He says he loves me
I have asked him time and again
We don't have any children
We don't argue - I don't think there's enough emotion left to provoke arguments

[amillionyears]

Sounds like you need to put your foot down.
Or even write down a list of things you are no longer willing to tolerate,and show it to him.
I suppose the real question is, what do you want to happen?And that may take you a few weeks to think about and decide.

[squeakytoy]

"The house and mortgage are both in my name only"

I could be wrong, but as you bought it before the marriage you should be safer than if it had been bought afterwards, but I do think you should see a solicitor.

[DartsAgain]

I suggest you check out the Legal board. I could be wrong, but as you are married, the house would be considered an asset of the marriage, regardless that it is in your sole name. However, I believe this would also apply to the flat he is renting out.

[solidgoldbrass]

Fucking hell, this has nothing to do with 'love'. OP this man is a total cocklodger ie someone who has taken advantage of the cultural concept that a woman is nothing without a man and therefore will put up with almost anything just to have A Man In Her Life.
If he was good enough at sex and charmingness for you to be happy to keep him as a kind of exotic pet, you wouldn't be posting on here. He's not. Get rid, and good luck.

[izzyizin]

You purchased your house and he purchased his flat before you married in April 2011.

You are in an extremely fortunate position in that he can give his tenant notice to quit and move back into his property and you can continue to live in your house.

The marriage is of short duration; you have not built up, or invested in, any joint assets and there are no children of the marriage.

In your case, divorce will be straightforward and I see no need for either of you to rack up solicitors' fees when you can divorce online for the cost of the Court fees which will be some £150-200 in total.

Visit //www.direct.gov.uk click on 'Government, citizens and rights' and scroll down to 'Divorce, separation and relationship breakdown'

If he agrees not to contest, there's no reason why you shouldn't be a happy divorcee by Christmas

[joblot]

How about relate/couple counselling? I think you 2 need to at least do some talking before you give up on your relationship

[AnyFucker]

yes, you have

not too late to sort it out though

get legal advice, pronto before any more time goes by

[Anniegetyourgun]

What relationship?

[solidgoldbrass]

Don't waste time or money on counselling OP. THis man is a classic cocklodger.

[izzyizin]

And don't bother wasting money on legal fees. There are no joint assets. He has no claim on your house. You have no claim on his flat.

Plus, as sgb has said, he'll have a problem proving he's paid you a penny towards outgoings.

If this is how it is after a year of marriage, you'll die of boredom after 2.
Hope you haven 't made a Will in his favour.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

This might sound harsh but the refusal to take responsibility for money matters and maintenance is actually abuse.

Womens aid and a FSW told me that a few years ago.

He is taking no responsibity for his life. You are not his mother and he is not a child.

[Fairenuff]

This sounds awfully familiar, OP, have you posted about this before?

Anyway, to answer your question, no this is not a healthy relationship.

Probably worth getting legal advice to make sure where you stand.

Then tell him to leave.

[justtryingtodomybest]

fairenuff yes I posted about this around 3 months ago. And I ashamed to say that nothing has changed since then. But I have a new resolve now.

[Teansympathy]

Sorry for your dilemia , but please take legal advice and cut your losses thank goodness the house in your name , we can all get got at when we have been on our own for a long time , and the partner we meet has to, it seems natural to want to make a happy union in the early days, I have just split from a man who
seems very similar to yours , hope you can resolve it all and split and get quick divorce , better off keeping your independence , peace of mind is everything and knowing where you are financially , especially when working so hard , take care stay strong.