I am so lonely in my relationship

[Broodymomma]

Dh and I have been married 10 years and together 13. He is a wonderful man who I totally adore but the last year has just been awful for me and I can't see it changing.

I literally come last in his world with everything seeming more important than his relationship than me. He works constantly and when he is here he is either glued to his phone or ear plugs on with his laptop. I swear he walls about the house with his phone infront of his face, eats looking at it and goes to the toilet. This is all on the rare occasion he is home.

Sex has just stopped. 3 weeks ago he promised .. Tomorrow night, despite trying I am still waiting. I am sick to death of feeling unwanted and unattactive to him. I tried really hard to get our sex life going and he has turned me down everytime saying he is tired but he has energy for work, golf, mates. We sit here in silence most of the time but he does not seem to think their is a problem.

What's brought it to a head is when our ds age 5 was talking about dh dad to my mum. He died before he was born and my mum said you can ask daddy all about him and ds said "dads not in much I don't see him much". It was like a wake up call and broke my heart that I have allowed this to go on so long.

I work part time and dh never seems to arrange to be around when I'm off. For example he has ds today as I was working till 1, I get home and he is gone with him to his mums (who has already seen them both this week twice) with a note saying he will be back about 6. I know ds will have been left there as he goes off and does his thing and it makes me so angry. There is no thought yet again to me sitting here waiting on them getting home and as I get up at 3am for work I'm in bed by 8pm. We literally go days without seeing eachother and no matter how hard I try I seem of no interest to him.

I have told him how i feel and he said he would make an effort to be here more when I am off for family time but it never happens. When it does it often feels lonelier than when he is away if that makes sense.

I feel so taken for granted and like I have a flat mate as oppose to a husband. I feel sorry for ds that he rarely gets time with the 2 of us. It's like I am a inconvenience to him. No matter how many times I tell him it has never changed just got worse. I seem to cry most days and I am so lonely. What would you do? How can you make something better with someone who thinks things are fine as they are. He really does not seem to notice how unhappy I am.

It's just not bloody good enough. Sometimes men like this need it spelled out in words of one syllable while you're bashing their head against a brick wall

'I Am Not Happy. Fucking Do Something About It or Fuck Off!!!'

Okay one or 2 words with 2 syllables there but you get my drift.

Look, he considers saying 'I love you' the equivalent of rebooting the machine; it stops that funny whining noise for a while. He's not remotely bothered about you being unhappy because he doesn't really think you're a person. As far as he's concerned you're a 'woman' which is a kind of well-trained domestic pet that does domestic work, that's what it's for.

Broody, hate to say it, but join the club.
I read your OP and thought I had written it. Am currently 'disengaging' myself from DH as it seems to be the only way to go.

Actions speak louder than words, corny old classic but very true! As Solid says he's says he loves you it keeps you quiet for a bit, but he continues to act in exactly the same way, my exH did this time and time again! It's simply not enough op, not in the long run!

Yes, it does appear to be the case in most relationships that more sex = happy hubby. For them it seems to fix everything.

I wish it were that simple tbh.

Oh my h did just this, for a good few years, I would say. Finally I also discovered he was sexting other women on the net too, and that had happened for a while. I suppose the withdrawal/doing his own thing mY Hve come first, I cant be sure.

When it all came out, and he knew I was going to leave, he did finally start to hear me, and realise he couldnt just sweep my views about our life under the carpet anymore.

Looking back, and putting the OW issue to one side, I was bloody stupid to think I could get change by asking for it.

The only solution is to change yourself. Even Relate uses that mantra.

Tough, of course, but you need to state your boundaries, tell him what you think is fair(unless he is mature enough to negotiate, which I doubt), and then spell out what you will do if things dont PERMANENTLY change. Otherwise you will get what I had, two weeks change and slipping back again, because he is not really committed, doesnt care, or things that you will always put up wit it in reality.

And if he doesnt change- and you know that asking for change doesnt deliver it, then you have no choice but to make plans to get him out, and see how that gets his attention. It will (or he never was going to change).

may have come first

You have to get his attention and you may have to pull a few out-of-character stunts and take a few personal risks in order to get it. Put yourself #1 and discover your inner diva.

Means getting annoyed.... with him rather than wondering what it is you're doing wrong. Means ripping out the head-phones or unplugging the lap-top when he ignores you rather than tippy-toeing around frightened to say boo. Means getting right in his face and demanding to be heard rather than waiting for him to notice you. There is currently no downside to his behaviour so you have to create one by threatening to leave if he doesn't buck his ideas up. Be persistent and don't take no for an answer.

Of course the risk is that he tells you to get lost. But at least then you'll know where you stand rather than this horrible limbo.

I understand exactly how you feel OP. I supported my husband's career progression by being a SAHM whilst he worked extremely hard, studying, working full time, being promoted, travelling the world with his job and generally being there in the background helping him by being his 'rock' and the stability for our two children. We were essentially a 'team'. OH constantly reassured me that he could never have been as successful without my input on the home front.

We did however, have a 'wobble' somewhere down the line when, 'golf' came into the equation. The straw that broke the camel's back for me was when a weekend's golf was arranged for him and his golf buddies/colleagues that happened to fall on a weekend of my birthday. He had been working round the clock all summer putting 12 hour days in at work ( the company he was working for had been taken over, he was essentially the boss. His intense input was necessary then - I understood and supported it). The golf thing lit a fuse inside me which burned quite fiercely. I could see that if I smiled sweetly and allow myself to be completely sidelined in his life and accept his hobbies essentially take him away from the small amount free time he had as well as his career, I would effectively be living a life as merely the domestic appliance with benefits attatched. I told him how I felt by writing him a very long letter outlining my grievances and ultimately gave him a chance to think about his neglect of me as a woman/partner/lover. I wrote a letter because I didn't want to become across as over hysterical/emotional/nagging etc.

He got quite a shock as he had been so busy, working hard (for us all) that he had lost track of the balance of work/life and had no idea how I was feeling -(my fault as I had painted a smile on my face and had never articulated how I felt before).

Essentially my communication worked. He stopped playing golf. He altered his working patterns and we eventually became a happy family again. I have never since kept my negative feelings to myself. That was about 23 years ago. Kids have fledged. He is still working hard but I am now able to travel ( when it suits us) with him. We are now planning for him to retire....he has just bought himself a set of golf clubs and a Harley Davidson motorbike and luckily for me has taken a huge interest in cookery.

If he hadn't sought to include me/ us in his busy life and listened to my distress at the time I would have moved on. I was very determined not to be a doormat.

It is encouraging to hear that you both came through what we seem to be facing now. I know I need to toughen up and make in roads to getting this sorted each day that passes I just Feel lower and lower.

Today I went to work at 5am and went to collect ds after work to find he had had a accident resulting in his face being a real mess and a bad bang to the head . He is completely fine but I took him to a&e to be checked what with the bang to the head. I was upset as the accident happened when my elderly dad fell on top of him so it was a double scare. I phoned dh and told him i was going to the hosp and when would he be home. He replied saying he was going for dinner with his boss and would be back around 8. Am furious as ds got upset saying daddy promised he would watch tv with me. I am past being angry I am hurt for
Both me and ds. So hurts to see his little face like me just wanting a hug from daddy. He was only on his way for a meal at 6.30 so very much doubt he will be back at 8 then tomorrow I'm working 5am again so asleep early and now he tells me he is working tomorrow night and he is away Wednesday. So bloody fed up.

9pm still not back!

{{{Hugs}}}, Broody. Have sent you a PM.

Is he back? Hope all ok

It's a little late now but, when you get up early in the morning, get him up as well and start the ball rolling. It's so low to put 'dinner with the boss' above an injured child (no boss would insist you kept the appointment) that I would be very suspicious that was indeed where he was. That, the late work Tuesday and going away Wednesday are your first chance to put your foot down and call time. It's too short notice.

I can relate to this. I was with my now ex husband for 15 yrs. We were together since I was 17 we got married after being together for 12 yrs. Had my DS. My husband was always on the computer or ay the gym. Even when I had DS he still did the same things. I got pissed off as I would not see him all night. He ignored me and DS as the game on the PC was far better. I waited 2yrs and asked him to go to councilling. We went for 1 session where the lady said he was driving away from the relationship. We never went again I used to leave my wedding ring on the PC. I left and went to my mums. I cried for 2 yrs on and off feeling so low and not wanted. I worked full time and looked after our DS on my own. I did stop washing his clothes as I got pissed off with it all. I made sure me and DS were ok. We split up got divorced. Now 4 yrs down the line he is with someone else and has a baby girl. Im with someone else with a baby boy. So dont be afraid to move on. The hardest bit is admitting to your self its over and u need to move on. I loved my ex husband and we are lucky we are like old friends now. His partner is lovley and my DS now has a baby brother and baby sister. I wish I could help u to make it easier. I might have to leave my current relationship but for very different reasons. I have a problem with my partners mother...... good luck and be strong you deserve to be loved and wanted. Everyone deserves to be loved by someone. :)

I do think a family 'conference' is in order and a few home truths given. Good luck OP

People can work things out and I am a believer that people can change hence the name :)

Sometimes people cannot see the wood from the trees and sometimes people need things to get bad for things to get better

Remember when you first got married and the good times that you had

It is possable for even the worst relationship to flourish and for people to change

So many people will try to tell you to do this and to do that and many of the posts here are of the opinion just leave and things will be better this is not always the case

If you once loved you can love again talk it is with communication that things will get better

Sure if he is violent to you or to the kids then you have to think of your safety and for the safety of your children

Good luck

Broodymomma I know this has been a while but I'm interested to know how you have got on??

Hahaha ODFOD

I think he has been having an affair for a long time OP.

I could have written your OP a few months back. There was no real affection, no sex in 3 months, I used to go to bed much earlier because the alternative was to just sit next to each other on the sofa in silence, if I kissed him he would 'peck' me back and if I tried to cuddle up after a few mins he would say he was too hot. I gradually stopped bothering and we were more like lodgers. I asked him to stay at a friends for a while so I could think about what I wanted and in that time our DC barely noticed he was gone as he had barely been there anyway (work hours/gym/out with friends) and that cemented it for me that he really added nothing to our lives. We've been seperated since just before Christmas and I honestly have felt like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I feel free, my evenings are now relaxing and our days are happier.

Him not coming home when your DS was in hospital is awful my ex was a rubbish partner but whenever the DC needed him he has been there in a heartbeat.
Good luck

Is he addicted to porn?? Could be why he is constantly on phone and pic?